First time posting, how long is too long [UPDATE: How to stop wanting daily contact]

[waiting_game]

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, we have hit a rough patch after recently talking children and her realising she wasnt ready. It has shook her up enough to request space. I kept giving it 1 day then i text or called her because it felt awful how we suddenly got this way. I know its my fault for not respecting her space and now have given it her. I haven't a clue how long is too long now? Its been 2 weeks where she may send me 1 or 2 texts per day and its to ask about our cat (as shes currently at her parents again now while we have space). ive kept it light hearted but she doesnt seem to be coming back. Never asks about my day and to be frank its painful just waiting for some good news. I feel like shes slowly pulling away from me and our house together. I just dont know how long is too long, how long before i click and admit its over and move on. Im kind of in limbo and ive reached a point where id just want an answer either way. The last time i asked we argued because she didnt want the pressure but this is torture. I know everyone will give me the same advice my friends have, move on, keep busy but its easier said than done when you havent a clue whats going on. She agreed that we could go on a date yesterday when we last spoke but said 'but not yet, lets let the dust settle first' so again now im waiting.

 

Its hard because i promised myself id never get in limbo with anyone, if they dont want me id just go but i feel now like i either end it and possibly throw away something amazing before shes had chance to think or i wait and may be in pain for weeks before she just dissapears

Edited February 13, 2017 by waiting_game

[Redhead14]

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, we have hit a rough patch after recently talking children and her realising she wasnt ready. It has shook her up enough to request space. I kept giving it 1 day then i text or called her because it felt awful how we suddenly got this way. I know its my fault for not respecting her space and now have given it her. I haven't a clue how long is too long now? Its been 2 weeks where she may send me 1 or 2 texts per day and its to ask about our cat (as shes currently at her parents again now while we have space). ive kept it light hearted but she doesnt seem to be coming back. Never asks about my day and to be frank its painful just waiting for some good news. I feel like shes slowly pulling away from me and our house together. I just dont know how long is too long, how long before i click and admit its over and move on. Im kind of in limbo and ive reached a point where id just want an answer either way. The last time i asked we argued because she didnt want the pressure but this is torture. I know everyone will give me the same advice my friends have, move on, keep busy but its easier said than done when you havent a clue whats going on. She agreed that we could go on a date yesterday when we last spoke but said 'but not yet, lets let the dust settle first' so again now im waiting.

 

When someone tells me/shows me that they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when/if they figure out what their problem is. And, if they take too long, they may find that they don't have a place to land their aircraft.

 

If someone does this often, I pick up the landing pad for good so they can't use it/me again.

[Vrunner1990]

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, we have hit a rough patch after recently talking children and her realising she wasnt ready. It has shook her up enough to request space. I kept giving it 1 day then i text or called her because it felt awful how we suddenly got this way. I know its my fault for not respecting her space and now have given it her. I haven't a clue how long is too long now? Its been 2 weeks where she may send me 1 or 2 texts per day and its to ask about our cat (as shes currently at her parents again now while we have space). ive kept it light hearted but she doesnt seem to be coming back. Never asks about my day and to be frank its painful just waiting for some good news. I feel like shes slowly pulling away from me and our house together. I just dont know how long is too long, how long before i click and admit its over and move on. Im kind of in limbo and ive reached a point where id just want an answer either way. The last time i asked we argued because she didnt want the pressure but this is torture. I know everyone will give me the same advice my friends have, move on, keep busy but its easier said than done when you havent a clue whats going on. She agreed that we could go on a date yesterday when we last spoke but said 'but not yet, lets let the dust settle first' so again now im waiting.

 

 

Why is she so upset? Did you give her an ultimatum or something? Did you let her know you are ok with not having kids since she is not ok with it?

[waiting_game]

Why is she so upset? Did you give her an ultimatum or something? Did you let her know you are ok with not having kids since she is not ok with it?

 

She has said 2 parts, 1. shes upset because isnt sure she can give me what i want now because isnt ready and doesnt want to hurt me and 2. The constant arguing the previous 2 weeks about how we seem to now be going backwards is just pushing her away.

[preraph]

Has she ever told you she may never want kids? If so, she probably will never want kids. This may be why she feels she has to really think this all through. Or she may feel she has to give up work she loves to have them. I think she's at a crossroads and you need to just be patient and give her space and see what she decides.

[Vrunner1990]

She has said 2 parts, 1. shes upset because isnt sure she can give me what i want now because isnt ready and doesnt want to hurt me and 2. The constant arguing the previous 2 weeks about how we seem to now be going backwards is just pushing her away.

 

Ok, gotcha. I mean if you still want her the only thing I would suggest is go no contact. You guys have a house and a cat together. She will be back if she thinks you have moved on or if she does not plan on dating again. Take the time to work on yourself. Workout, clean up the house, get a hot new haircut. She will contact you wondering why you have not been contacting. If she doesnt at least you will look good and have a bachelor pad for the new ladies

[waiting_game]

I won't go into detail and make this long but I will be 100% honest. Our relationship was perfect, we never argued and I mean never. The odd bicker but in 3 years not 1 major argument. We were perfect together to the point we started trying for children, we went for a meal just 5 weeks ago and she said 'I don't know what I'd do without you you're my rock' exact words. Fast forward a week and suddenly from nowhere she decided she wasn't ready for kids and it's scared her to a point where she isn't sure about us anymore. I was stunned, actually threw up because I just couldn't believe it. She asked for space and I no my only mistake was not giving it her, it went a day or 2 and I'd text to see how she was. 3 weeks later we've given up the house, she asked me 3 days ago if we can try going on a date and in.the past 3 weeks everytime we met we had sex and clearly loved each other. Today I said 'fancy a date wednesday' she said no and ended it for good. I'm just in shock. 33 year old and to go from having the world and it wasn't just in my head. I've been that shocked I actually read through nearly all our WhatsApp conversations from.day 1, scrolling randomly and wherever it landed was a funny lovey conversation. It just doesn't add up. Everyone says move on but I can't knowing it's the love of my life. How does that even happen? 1 argument and it's done? To say those words 5 weeks ago to ending it 5 weeks later. I know everyone says their relationship was perfect but this was. Even my family friends everyone said you've got the perfect relationship. It just doesn't add up. And when she ended it there wasn't even a tear

Edited February 14, 2017 by waiting_game

[SevenCity]

Sorry you are going through this. My ex said nearly identical words the day she moved out for good. It's BS. IT MEANS NOTHING.

 

Look at her actions. There is a similar thread here from SalParadise who had a great RL until she ended it.

 

Women often will not tell you the underlying reasons but they are there.

 

All you can do is move on and never contact her again.

 

Sorry dude.

[waiting_game]

Sorry you are going through this. My ex said nearly identical words the day she moved out for good. It's BS. IT MEANS NOTHING.

 

Look at her actions. There is a similar thread here from SalParadise who had a great RL until she ended it.

 

Women often will not tell you the underlying reasons but they are there.

 

All you can do is move on and never contact her again.

 

Sorry dude.

 

All my mates are saying there's someone else, I always defended her until tonight. She didn't speak all day then suddenly her Instagram was a screenshot of her mate texting her 13 times and then joking about her being a love God. For 3 years I'd never in a million years think she'd hurt me and now, today I've got this gut wrenching feeling I trusted her that much I missed something major

[SevenCity]

All my mates are saying there's someone else, I always defended her until tonight. She didn't speak all day then suddenly her Instagram was a screenshot of her mate texting her 13 times and then joking about her being a love God. For 3 years I'd never in a million years think she'd hurt me and now, today I've got this gut wrenching feeling I trusted her that much I missed something major

 

There usually is. Especially when they do an about face like that.

 

Was she insecure? If so she could have been lining up your replacement thinking things weren't going to work out but not wanting to be alone.

 

This sucks and it's the worst pain there is but it will get better. It takes longer than you want but it happens eventually.

 

Do some healing and get right back out there and start dating other chicks. Eventually you'll find someone better.

 

And stop following her on social media. Delete her from your life - just like she did to you.

[waiting_game]

There usually is. Especially when they do an about face like that.

 

Was she insecure? If so she could have been lining up your replacement thinking things weren't going to work out but not wanting to be alone.

 

This sucks and it's the worst pain there is but it will get better. It takes longer than you want but it happens eventually.

 

Do some healing and get right back out there and start dating other chicks. Eventually you'll find someone better.

 

And stop following her on social media. Delete her from your life - just like she did to you.

 

For me i can't imagine it's anything but now. Can't see how she could go from 1 extreme to not even caring what I do in a matter of weeks. In the 3 weeks space she never even asked what my plans where or what I was up to. Just 0 interest. Time to move on

[springy]

This is a common occurrence even in seemingly perfect relationships. She may very well have started checking out a while ago, whether someone else is involved or not. The dumpee often has no clue, as there are still talks of the future and "I love you's" and the like that leaves the dumped baffled. Her heart is closed off to you now. I echo the poster who said cut off all contact, especially all social media. It will impede your healing seven fold. Two weeks of arguing didn't cause this problem. It has been going on in her mind for much longer. Sorry.

[SevenCity]

For me i can't imagine it's anything but now. Can't see how she could go from 1 extreme to not even caring what I do in a matter of weeks. In the 3 weeks space she never even asked what my plans where or what I was up to. Just 0 interest. Time to move on

 

Women do this a lot. Check out the others threads in the break up forum for examples.

 

 

As stated, they often had the breakup in the works, found someone new, and are just now informing you of the breakup.

 

The reason they can be so cold is they already went through the emotional pain and have come to terms with it. You just got punched in the nuts.

 

It says something sbout who they are. Instead of coming to you with her concerns she ran away.

 

My ex did this after 7 years. Nice.

[springy]

Women do this a lot. Check out the others threads in the break up forum for examples.

 

 

PEOPLE do this a lot. It is not limited to one gender.

[SevenCity]

PEOPLE do this a lot. It is not limited to one gender.

 

I have no experience dating men. But from what I've seen posted here it seems more common for women to profess their love and end things shortly after.

[RecentChange]

Why were you two trying for babies before talk of marriage? Had you talked about getting married and spending all eternity together? For me that comes before the baby making.

 

Well thank goodness the break up is happening before pregnancy, not after.

 

Sorry it's happening this way. But better sooner than later.

[springy]

I have no experience dating men. But from what I've seen posted here it seems more common for women to profess their love and end things shortly after.

 

As a woman who dates men I assure you it goes both ways.

 

OP, I know it hurts. I have been on the receiving end of this as well; it was impossible to comprehend. He was talking marriage, only a week prior had written a lovely poem professing his love for me and read it front of all of my family and friends at my graduation party.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

Edited February 14, 2017 by springy

[carriepalmer]

I would suggest you to wait. Its not at all too long, though it may seem to be. She will definitely return. Both sides need time to realise where they went wrong and recover.

[LitTunnel]

Bro, look. Your lady had a meltdown. It happens. It certainly doesn't excuse it but I'm just saying. Maybe she's just mentally weak, you know? Some people can't handle pressure when it gets too intense. Maybe she found some oddball dude who kinda tickled her fancy and she got prematurely smitten and decided like a little school girl to go and play in someone else's sandbox.

 

But look, here's the good news. You claim the relationship was perfect? Even though I don't agree but for all intents and purposes lets assume things were great. Well, this is good news for you because what this means is she'll be running back to you in a short amount of time. It could be weeks, it could be months, heck it might even be a year or two but I have a strong sense she'll be running back to you, begging to have your butt back. At this point you choose as you please; take or no take.

 

But for this to work just go total NC. I mean TOTAL NC. Disappear like Casper The Friendly Ghost. Maybe not now but in a short amount of time she's going to totally bug out and wonder where the hell you been. At this point she's going start having all these thoughts running around in her head about you. Soon enough, she'll snap and come back to reality. But none of this will happen if you keep contacting her. And if she does contact you, keep the convo light, short and uplifting. Always end the call first and don't grovel, beg, plead, talk relationship talk, NOTHING. Be as cool as ice bro. You'll get the last laugh. And hell, look at it this way, if she don't come back then that tells you this woman was seriously mentally sick for dropping a good dude like you. Any woman in her right mind would snatch you up in a heartbeat so don't sell yourself short. And yes, I know it's easier said than done because I'm battling my own demons now bro, so I feel your struggles:)

[ExpatInItaly]

I would suggest you to wait. Its not at all too long, though it may seem to be. She will definitely return. Both sides need time to realise where they went wrong and recover.

 

There is no guarantee of that.

 

Some people return, but plenty don't. I am speaking from both sides of that coin. If someone has truly checked out of the relationship, their interest in their former partner simply isn't there anymore.

 

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree there's probably more to this than she's letting on. It could be another guy, or it could be her having a major reality check that she truly isn't ready to commit herself to you forever at this point in her life.

 

What were some sources of tension in your relationship? I know you said everything was perfect, but that is rarely 100% true. We all have our flaws, and if our partners really know us, they know what those flaws are. So what were hers? And yours? Answering that might help us piece together why she made this sudden exit.

[waiting_game]

There is no guarantee of that.

 

Some people return, but plenty don't. I am speaking from both sides of that coin. If someone has truly checked out of the relationship, their interest in their former partner simply isn't there anymore.

 

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree there's probably more to this than she's letting on. It could be another guy, or it could be her having a major reality check that she truly isn't ready to commit herself to you forever at this point in her life.

 

What were some sources of tension in your relationship? I know you said everything was perfect, but that is rarely 100% true. We all have our flaws, and if our partners really know us, they know what those flaws are. So what were hers? And yours? Answering that might help us piece together why she made this sudden exit.

 

That's the thing. I know nobody will believe me when I say it's was perfect *or so it seemed to me) but the truth is ive broken up with other partners and I always knew in the back of my mind we had problems. This 1 I 100% cannot focus on anything to bring myself to move on because it was only mid December I paid for a hotel Spa break for us and it was perfect. We never argued and I mean that. Like I say 5 weeks ago she said I was her rock and don't know what she would do without me.

 

Just non of it makes any sense. I do also feel like it maybe that things got too much for her so she bailed. She would say how she can't afford to do things now we have a house but to me priorities where house cars etc. Hers in a matter of what seemed like days to me changed from all that into wanting to be single to drop all ties and responsibilities. I mean we have a cat, she even kept her old cats ashes because cannot let things go but in a heartbeat she let me go and our cat which i now have at my new home. I'm currently house sharing now with a friend as I'm going back to clear my old house. Cannot believe how quickly it went and the worse part is (I've never experienced this in any other breakup) I keep dreaming about her and it's waking me up at 3am 4am etc

[waiting_game]

1 major thing was she couldn't ever bring herself to tell me anything that might cause an argument. So to me she may have been considering this for months but then again if she was considering it for months why discuss and try for children? Why tell me I'm her rock? Why do anything that she did right up to 5 weeks ago?

[la74219]

Going through almost the exact same thing man. I'm also feeling the exact same way as you. I wish there was an easier way to handle this, but what I've decided is to just completely disappear. That's what she wanted so I'm going to give it to her. Maybe I'll hear from her again, maybe I won't. But at least I'll heal in the process. So I'm just going to let life run its course, and if it's meant to happen, then it will happen. I suggest you try to do the same. I know it's not easy, trust me. It's a struggle for me as well, but we will be okay. If you feel the need to talk to me about it, feel free because I know exactly what you're going through right now.

[waiting_game]

It's just madness how everything can go so quickly for some people or how they'd prefer to bottle up any problems to a point where it ends out the blue. I'd of happily discussed any issues and tried to fix them as I'm not someone who just throws stuff away. Breaks my heart the most that last night when she gave me the clear answer I said 'for my sanity then I need to block you on everything because when you text me to see if I'm ok I am getting the wrong idea and going back to square 1' the fact she just replied 'sorry' and didn't even cry or whatever just killed me. Don't think I'll ever get my head around trying for kids with someone and being told I'm their rock to suddenly 1 bad argument and it's gone, house, chance of kids with her, cat the lot just gone.

[la74219]

It's just madness how everything can go so quickly for some people or how they'd prefer to bottle up any problems to a point where it ends out the blue. I'd of happily discussed any issues and tried to fix them as I'm not someone who just throws stuff away. Breaks my heart the most that last night when she gave me the clear answer I said 'for my sanity then I need to block you on everything because when you text me to see if I'm ok I am getting the wrong idea and going back to square 1' the fact she just replied 'sorry' and didn't even cry or whatever just killed me. Don't think I'll ever get my head around trying for kids with someone and being told I'm their rock to suddenly 1 bad argument and it's gone, house, chance of kids with her, cat the lot just gone.

 

I'm sorry. I can definitely relate. Literally the exact same thing happened just 3 days ago. All I got was "sorry" as well. I wanted to talk about it. I accepted it, but disagreed with her reasons and just wanted to at least discuss it a little more. She then told me to accept it and leave her alone. So I did. I don't know if it's someone else, or she just felt differently, or whatever else, but quite honestly it doesn't really matter at this point. She ended it, and that's that. The only way she will think of you is if you completely disappear. That's no guarantee she will ever talk to you again, but at least you'll be doing it for yourself.