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In love with someone I have little in common with [UPDATE Should I go to her place?]


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Hey all,

 

I hope writing this and hanging out on this forum will help me feel better. I was divorced (22 years) a year ago and started dating immediately. I was excited to be be out there again after an ugly divorce (she was an alcoholic). I knew the marriage should have ended years ago, but I couldn't give up.

 

I have met the most wonderful person. She is my world and we have been together almost a year. We went to costa rica together, san francisco, and Vancouver. She has opened up a ton of new experiences for me.

 

Our political views are both left. Recently, since the election, she has become an extremist and the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. This has caused a divide in us and now she tells me she doesn't feel connected any more.

 

She is inflexible and has nothing going for her. No money, tons of debt, doesn't file her taxes ever. She threatens to leave the country all the time and she is very capable of doing that......shes done it a couple times in her life.

 

I have a steady good paying job, a nice house, and money to play.

 

All this and I love her immensely. There is a quality in how she looks and acts that is really attractive to me.....I look at other, more beautiful women, and cannot feel attraction.

 

I will get tons of advice to move on.....I am sure. I don't want that, I want her. I don't care about any of her negatives.

 

( and before you judge her, she has lived as a homeless teen in her past......a reason that I have a tremendous amount of respect for her and her financial situation) amazingly she has bachelors degree and we are both teachers.

 

I got drunk last night for no reason, went to bed and got 4 hours of sleep.

 

I am lost and don't know what to do.

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Recently, since the election, she has become an extremist and the whole thing makes me uncomfortable.

 

I want her. I don't care about any of her negatives.

 

It sounds like you want her, but only on your terms. You can't change other people.

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It doesn't seem like you're lost.

 

You know what you want: you want to be with her. You're stating her "flaws" yet you're defending her telling us not to judge her. But you're looking for someone who's perfect and you won't ever have that.

 

If political discussions are getting on the way, then avoid them. If she has issues with money, maybe you should help her with that (not by giving her money, but helping her getting organized).

 

Learn how to accept her negative sides if you want to stay with her.

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Thank you for the advice. I do respect her completely. There is a lot more to this of course. She has changed because of the election. She has become militant and it has been tough for me to accept. We are already different and she moved further away.

 

It's just tough for me to adjust.... that's all. So much change in my life over the last year.

 

It is all true though! We were hanging out last night and it all came to me. I AM being inflexible! There are couples that are more divided politically then we are.

 

We are going to a hip hop show Tuesday and snow boarding Wednesday. Today I am happy that we have plans like we used to. That is her trying on her end to enjoy life again and reconnect with me.

 

Thanks again for the advice!

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My GF and I will have been together for a year. We have had fantastic times but recently politics have put a lot of stress on me. She also informed me that she can't move in with me because of 1) she is worried about living with my son, 2) because I have been having issues accepting her level of politics.

 

I have come to terms with the politics! It was actually simple for me to come around.

 

However, the other situation is that she wants to leave the country after she finishes her masters degree. Back when we were solid, she was happy to wait for me to retire.....

 

Now she isn't sure and can't tell me if she will be leaving next year. I take here seriously because she has already lived out of the country!

 

Neither of us feel that secure with eachother, me because she could just move away from me, and her because I broke up with her over politics.....

 

I don't know if I should work on this relationship or try to just get over her.....

 

I am really stuck, I because I draw blanks when I think of the future with her.

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It doesn't sound like you have much to work with here. She has a plan and goals in place she's not giving up for a man, pure and simple. She also doesn't want to live with your son and you don't agree on politics.

 

Not much of a foundation there. I'm sorry. I bet you can find someone more suitable.

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It doesn't sound like you have much to work with here. She has a plan and goals in place she's not giving up for a man, pure and simple. She also doesn't want to live with your son and you don't agree on politics.

 

Not much of a foundation there. I'm sorry. I bet you can find someone more suitable.

Thanks for the reply!

 

Honestly I have come around on the Politics. We both have the same party, same leanings etc. I just didn't (for the first 9 months) understand just how strong her politics are. Me being fairly apolitical, I was at first cautious with her in that regard. Now I am comfortable.

 

Her "plan" is, that she doesn't have one! She won't promise me that she will leave not the country. She gets angry at politics and threatens to leave all the time. This has to be taken seriously with her because she is very capable of leaving....

 

That said, I know she will be here for at least a year as she will be working on her masters degree.

 

I tell myself that she doesn't love me enough to stay?

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  • 2 weeks later...
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My X girlfriend and I still love eachother. We are split and taking space and we both hope things will work out. This just happened and I feel a little raw.

 

She invited me over for a few hours tonight. The thought of this makes me nervous and anxious, when I need to be chill and relaxed.

 

The problem was that she has so much stress in her life right now that being in a relationship that was having a few issues became too much for her....and me for that matter.

 

So should I go over tonight? We will probably just sit on the couch and watch TV together.....but the though of being with her is making me anxious.

 

Being alone at home isn't exactly fun either. I would probably drink.

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I'd say if you are broken up, then no. You need to make a clean break or this will drag on for months and months, prolonging the pain. I speak from experience.

 

If you really loved each other, there would be no break up, it would be a "challenging period" in your relationship.

 

Breakup means just that.

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For whatever reason, your gut is telling you not to do it and dreading it. So you shouldn't got. Just tell her "not tonight, but thanks for the invitation."

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Well I can state the obvious, you guys are clearly not in a healthy relationship. Something has got to give here.

 

 

Very true:

 

We are both very in love, but seem to have many problems for a couple that has only been together a year or almost a year.

 

One of the problems and one of the reasons that I am hanging on is that we have had an amazing time together. Already we have been to Costa Rica Panama, Sanfrancisco, Seattle, Camping in the redwoods.....the list of our adventures together is more then a lot of people do in 5 years.

 

We share the common dream of living out of the country when I retire in a few years. My retirement would support both of nicely in the less expensive countries.

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It sounds to me like she is really angry about the state of the nation. It also sounds like she's a really tough woman. I would not be overly concerned about her wanting to leave the country unless she is laying active plans. I would however be wary of making a big deal about how uncomfortable her talk makes you feel on that subject. If you say to her that it makes you uncomfortable when she talks about leaving the country, and she feels so strongly about her hatred for Trump, she might to see your concern as a threat to her beliefs. She's pissed. And she's tough. And the world is going to hear about it. Let her vent.

 

You said that there was just something about her. more beautiful women don't interest you at all. That is serious business my friend and if you think she feels the same way about you then don't be hasty.

 

Try this. Tell her that the thought of her leaving the country before you are able to join her saddens you but you understand how strongly she feels and would support her decision because you love her.

 

Find some anti-trump demonstration that is going on that you think would interest her and ask her if you would like to go to it with you. Start laying your own plans for the future to leave the country on your timeline. It sounds like you have your Affairs in order a lot more than she does and a well-laid plan could become very attractive to her over time given she has a healthy way to express her hatred for the establishment.

 

It seems like you have a couple dollars in your pocket so why don't you wait for Trump to show his ass again , (shouldn't be a long wait). Call her up and say can you believe this s***! ask her to design an anti Trump t-shirt or some stickers and have a couple hundred printed off.

 

Take her on a scouting mission of places you might like to live other than the USA for your next vacation.

 

You said you were looking for advice on how to stay together not be apart so this is my two cents. Gauge her reaction carefully. If she doesn't start warming up to your long-term plans and feels the need to be reactionary and impulsive there's not a lot you're going to be able to do about that but if you really think she's the one you want to wake up to for the rest of your life, do your due diligence first. Given the intensity of your feelings for her I would be wary of the feelings of regret that could arise from not feeling like you gave it your best shot.

 

Search your soul and be honest with yourself. You will make the right decision . good luck my friend

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Dude just accept she is what she is. She should never have been serious relationship girl. If you had spent more time recovering from your divorce you would know that.

 

She's date and play only material. You're pushing your luck now and if you keep at it you're going to get burned.

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Dude just accept she is what she is. She should never have been serious relationship girl. If you had spent more time recovering from your divorce you would know that.

 

She's date and play only material. You're pushing your luck now and if you keep at it you're going to get burned.

 

I dunno about this. Right she doesn't have her stuff together. But with out going into too much detail, she has given me and education and opened up the world to me. After a 22 year marriage I was so closed off and narrow that I didn't see it. Our talks were like teacher and student, though she didn't realize it. This really made me develop a ton of respect for her.

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It sounds to me like she is really angry about the state of the nation. It also sounds like she's a really tough woman. I would not be overly concerned about her wanting to leave the country unless she is laying active plans. I would however be wary of making a big deal about how uncomfortable her talk makes you feel on that subject. If you say to her that it makes you uncomfortable when she talks about leaving the country, and she feels so strongly about her hatred for Trump, she might to see your concern as a threat to her beliefs. She's pissed. And she's tough. And the world is going to hear about it. Let her vent.

 

You said that there was just something about her. more beautiful women don't interest you at all. That is serious business my friend and if you think she feels the same way about you then don't be hasty.

 

Try this. Tell her that the thought of her leaving the country before you are able to join her saddens you but you understand how strongly she feels and would support her decision because you love her.

 

Find some anti-trump demonstration that is going on that you think would interest her and ask her if you would like to go to it with you. Start laying your own plans for the future to leave the country on your timeline. It sounds like you have your Affairs in order a lot more than she does and a well-laid plan could become very attractive to her over time given she has a healthy way to express her hatred for the establishment.

 

It seems like you have a couple dollars in your pocket so why don't you wait for Trump to show his ass again , (shouldn't be a long wait). Call her up and say can you believe this s***! ask her to design an anti Trump t-shirt or some stickers and have a couple hundred printed off.

 

Take her on a scouting mission of places you might like to live other than the USA for your next vacation.

 

You said you were looking for advice on how to stay together not be apart so this is my two cents. Gauge her reaction carefully. If she doesn't start warming up to your long-term plans and feels the need to be reactionary and impulsive there's not a lot you're going to be able to do about that but if you really think she's the one you want to wake up to for the rest of your life, do your due diligence first. Given the intensity of your feelings for her I would be wary of the feelings of regret that could arise from not feeling like you gave it your best shot.

 

Search your soul and be honest with yourself. You will make the right decision . good luck my friend

 

I like your answer! Thank you.

 

In the meanwhile I am struggling with the space we have taken. We are officially broke up and I believe she is dating or wants too. She denies it of course. Thats ok.

 

What approach should I take to this? I am thinking that I will limit my contact and let her call me. Also no serious relationship talk. Keep it light and simple.

 

sound good?

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I dunno about this. Right she doesn't have her stuff together. But with out going into too much detail, she has given me and education and opened up the world to me. After a 22 year marriage I was so closed off and narrow that I didn't see it. Our talks were like teacher and student, though she didn't realize it. This really made me develop a ton of respect for her.

 

I see where you're coming from I really do but if she didn't have her stuff together by now than she never will. You're looking at the best and nicest she will ever be right now. And I think what's going on here that you've got Rose colored glasses on.

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I see where you're coming from I really do but if she didn't have her stuff together by now than she never will. You're looking at the best and nicest she will ever be right now. And I think what's going on here that you've got Rose colored glasses on.

 

 

Funny, that is exactly what I am telling myself to try to get over her. I have to keep repeating it like a Mantra.

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Quick history here.

 

Up until last December I was married 22 years. Just over a year away from that now.

 

By March I had a new girlfriend. It was an intense relationship and we did a ton of stuff together, Costa Rica, Panama, San Francisco, Seattle, Vancouver BC etc.

 

That lasted almost a year.

 

Last night I had a wonderful evening with a beautiful woman, and I feel good about her.

 

Today I am a wreck. I went home and fell fast asleep but I woke up at 3am with anxiety. I made coffee (big mistake) now I am near panic attack.

 

I have to see my X girlfriend Friday and again Saturday to exchange some stuff. I am heartbroken and I don't want to see her.

 

Should I be dating even? I thought it would be fun and get my mind off of her but it hasn't worked. Even after making love to another woman.

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I have to see my X girlfriend Friday and again Saturday to exchange some stuff. I am heartbroken and I don't want to see her.

 

Should I be dating even? I thought it would be fun and get my mind off of her but it hasn't worked. Even after making love to another woman.

 

I always avoid this kind of situations. If you need to exchange all those things, use a shipping company. There's nothing wrong in admitting that you're not ready to see her. At least that's what I did when my ex-wife started picking up her stuff from our apartment. I always left, and I think it was a great decision.

 

As to dating, if it doesn't have the desired effect, it's definitely counter-productive. Perhaps you should postpone it until you're ready. Also, itt's not fair for the other part of the equation.

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Slippery slope.

 

I was helping my GF out and bought her a car. The original deal was she would pay me, in payments, for 1/2 of the car. The other half was a gift.

 

Later, when she couldn't pay, I just shrugged and said no big deal. All of this was to remove stress from her life.

 

Before you say it, I know that I am stupid. very stupid in fact and I learned a valuable lesson.

 

Later when she was pulling away from me I learned she was having an emotional affair. She denies that emotional affairs even exist. I read through the texts and that is exactly what it was.

 

She claims she ended it but I still see texts from Monday. The texts have become fewer and far between so she is at least trying.

 

I called her on it and told her we are done for good and BTW I want the car back.

 

She thinks I am crazy over the EA stuff and denies it.

 

I just want to do the right thing. Should I take the car? I am a nice guy (too nice) but 1/2 of me says stand up for myself and the other half says, "well you gave it too her stupid"

 

What should I do?

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doyathinkso

Of course! You paid for the car and she stiffed you on what she owed so it's your car.

Don't be a sucker.

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Of course! You paid for the car and she stiffed you on what she owed so it's your car.

Don't be a sucker.

 

 

Later on I blew it off though. I might have said, "just keep it" but I can't remember.

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Gifts are complete upon delivery. The minute you gave her the car, it was hers and hers alone. You relinquished all ownership rights to it, unless you have a writing signed by her where she agrees to pay you back. In the absence of such a writing, you can't take the car back because it's hers & you would be stealing it. If she voluntarily gives you the car back it's all yours.

 

 

At least ask

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