Got dumped but Ex gives me hope

[StevenP]

Hi,

 

A little backstory. My girlfriend and I had been dating for about 1 year, nothing too long but enough for me to fall in love. I wasn't ready for a relationship, I was insecure and it came out in jealousy and controlling behaviour. I would feel uncomfortable with her sexual past, even though it was nothing compared to mine, and often times would cause problems out of thin air. I realized now that I have deep self-esteem issues, and I'm working hard on them with a therapist, books, and just working hard on myself in general. She broke it off with me about a week and half ago, and after speaking yesterday, she genuinely believes there's a chance in the future. I thought this was bull, but she actually believes that this time and space apart is the only thing that can save us.

 

I tried to just cut it off, tell her there's no future if she doesn't want to be with me soon, and she started crying and really didn't like that I wanted to never consider her again. She told me that we have to move on, see other people, but if in 6 months, a years , etc (there's no real timeframe, just time and space for change to happen), that we should reach out and consider dating again. I don't know how I feel about this, I know it's over, but she told me there's hope, and to have faith. She needs time to get over the negative emotions surrounding the relationship, and I need it to change and work on myself. It's hard to simultaneously move on, but think about that future point where there's a possibility. It hurts to think of her with other men too. It sounds like having your cake and eating it too to me, and I don't appreciate that.

 

She really wants to be with me, but I agree with her that if we got together now it wouldn't work either, on the count that it takes a while for personal change to happen. I just wish her answer would be space apart, with the guarantee we'll try again. The thoughts of her with other men really get to me, and I just want some advice on how to get over her/and the issue of breaking up to "save us" and what you all think about that.

 

As well as me thinking about her with others. I love her, and want us to have a chance at some point when I'm better at dealing with a relationship. I know I can change, cause I never want to treat someone the way I did ever again. Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

Edited January 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Formerfiveo]

Steven, my heart goes out to you. Good for you for having self awareness and doing something about it - counseling, books, forums...all good stuff. Keep it up - not for her, but for you.

 

What she's giving you is breadcrumbs. I'm sure she believes it to be sincere, but the purpose is self serving for her - the break up was hard on her, too, and she's trying to lessen her pain and guilt by feeding you breadcrumbs of hope because she knows you want to be with her. Giving false hope to someone, knowing they are grabbing onto it, is quite the ego stroke.

 

The only way for BOTH of you to heal is to cut all contact and focus on yourself and YOUR healing. And no, you can't just be friends. That will only feed the false hope.

 

IF you 2 are meant to be together down the road, then your paths will cross again.

 

Best of luck to you!

[StevenP]

Hi everyone,

 

I recently got broken up with for being too jealous and insecure, and it was driving my ex insane. I was never abusive or anything, but small amounts here and there eventually added up, and I realized now I have a problem I need to confront. After a lot of self-reflection, I realize that it comes from low self worth and made me become too dependent on the other person. I was wondering if anyone has any advice for someone who behaves jealous and controlling based on insecurity? I'm financially stable, but I wasn't working hard in school or work and led me to not feeling fulfilled, which led me to subconsciously think my ex was always thinking of other people, not into me, would leave me, etc... Please help. I'm already seeing a therapist, reading the Six Pillars of Self Esteem, and going to give it my all in school and find work. Ultimtaely I'm changing for myself, but my ex continues to provide me with hope for a future, even though we both are moving on anyways, so I'd like to be a different man in case that day ever comes. I'm a 25 year old male. Thanks

[LargoLagg]

My advice would be to find a way to love yourself even if you're not being all that you can be. All that stuff is good, but I don't think you're going to find the answer there. There is something more fundamental about you that bothers you. Find that, and you won't need to evaluate yourself on your worldly achievements.

[StevenP]

Hi,

 

So I posted a while ago when it happened but didn't get many responses. My girlfriend left me because I was growing too insecure, and as a result I became jealous and controlling in her behaviour. We began fighting a lot based on these insecurities, and I guess we had one last one that broke the camel's back. She wasn't perfect either, she was controlling herself and pretty neurotic, but I loved her regardless. I have a lot to work on now that it's over, and realized many of my mistakes and have taken actions to correct them. Does anyone have any experience with this? Insecurity caused by perceived lack of desire by significant other? She didn't make me feel very desired a lot, and it made me become way too emotionally dependent. I was never jealous to the extent that I would invade her privacy or anything like that, but I would voice my concerns when she'd go out with her friends and not invite me, or talk about her past partners and how I measured up to them. During our relationship I was seeing a therapist, but she didn't help at all and just listened to me vent. I wish I could go back in time and go to the one I'm seeing now, may have been able to save our relationship.

 

So anyways, I'm having a really rough time today. It's been 2 and half weeks since she dumped me, and although things are getting better every day, I'm in a bad state cause I just received her Christmas presents in the mail (she dumped me on xmas eve essentially). What's been prolonging this pain is that she gave me hope. When she was breaking up with me she said that she was doing this so we don't end up hating each other, so that maybe some day there's a chance. I thought this was bull****, so one week later I told her to never contact me again cause my experience with her was too painful and I'd like to move on completely instead of holding on. She called me crying, saying I was gonna change for the next girl, and how she believes that if we both move on, work on ourselves, that there's hope in the future to reach out. She used examples of friends that have gotten back together after a long time apart, and really seemed to believe this fairytale stuff. I told her I don't think there's hope, and that by telling me that she's hurting me more, but she still said there was hope. At the same time, she told me we both had to move on and not wait around for each other. Sounds like a serious cop out. So now I have the presents, crying, and don't know if I should message her tomorrow to say thank you or not, or just move on. I'm having a hard time and can use the wisdom on this page. Thanks everyone

[fromheart]

Very common pattern, sounds like a relationship I had back in my youth.

 

First thing is first, you need to take control of your emotions as best you can. Close it on a good note before you walk away. You've been dumped for being needy and jealous, I'm not going to lie to you. She has also been controlling and insecure. A relationship can't flower like this.

 

Tell her that you are moving on now, thank her for the presents. She can let you know if she wants to be with you, but you can't wait as that will not be healthy for either of you.

 

Then move on, strict NC. Its the act of NC that will be most effective on all levels, not the last communication you have with her. Keep that brief and to the point.

 

Get to the bottom of your jealousy, where you the one bringing up her past partners? No need for anyone to bring up the past in that context.

[StevenP]

Ya, I was the one who brought up her past partners. I was incredibly insecure.. I would ask things no one should ever ask, and I regret it. I'm working on getting to the bottom of why I feel this way. I have low self worth because of a bad childhood.. I'm handsome, good shape, independent, relatively wealthy for a 25 year old, and have great friends and support. I'm back in school and get great grades too... But I still feel insecure. After this I will never let someone else be the source of my happiness, and I'll never push someone away like this ever again. Losing her is tough, but the guilt that I did this to myself is worse. I know it takes 2 people to make it work, and she had issues too, but damn I can't help but feel like I caused it.

 

I wish I could go back in time and just wish I never told her I loved her. I said I loved her REALLY soon. In my past relationships I said it 6 months-1 year in, with this girl I said it 2-3 months in. From that point, she had said she can't completely fall for me cause of all the fighting, and I agreed even though it was hard to swallow. It just made me more insecure from that point on, and she never really made me feel like I was that special to her.

 

I hate how she gave me hope... I know what she means, I have exs from years ago who are currently in relationships. But so much time has passed that the potential to rekindle is there, and if they were ever single I'd ask them for coffee.. and I think that's what she means by hope.. Time to grow and get over each other and maybe it can happen. But I will never contact her and I feel she won't contact me. I'm afraid of NC because I worry I'll never hear from her ever again, and that hurts. I know it's the right thing to do, I'm doing it after I say thank you for the gifts tomorrow (too emotional today to be texting her), but also part of me wants to say stupid things like "well, guess this is the last time we'll speak".. but I know that's just being controlling and I just have to say thanks and move on.

 

Anyone can relate to this?

[mightycpa]

I can relate to this:

 

I'm handsome, good shape, independent, relatively wealthy for a 25 year old, and have great friends and support.

 

and I can tell you that I had the time of my life for the next 7 years once I decided to not settle for just one girlfriend at a time while I was dating.

 

Once you get your head back where it needs to be, you'll see that opportunity abounds if you're simply willing to put yourself out there and go get it. I like the way Megyn Kelly said it - you have to decide to settle for more.

 

Don't worry about this last girl of yours - she sounds like she was a lot of work. It really shouldn't be that hard, you definitely don't want to have to work at it every day. A lot of a good relationship should come very naturally.

[StevenP]

Thanks for the support. You're right, she was a lot of work. But that made it so nice. I liked having someone high maintenance.. All my friends think I'm crazy for liking her, all of them called her a princess, but I was happy to make her feel like one. Just an example, she had pretty bad back problems (for a 25 year old girl, pretty abnormal, but I was accommodating), and just so she would be comfortable sleeping over, I bought a $3000 mattress. At the beginning we were fine sleeping together, but me moving in my sleep hurt her back. So I took out a mat and let her sleep on my bed while I slept on the floor for over a month. Eventually my bed in general hurt her, and only her bed gave her any comfort, so we weren't even able to sleep together anymore unless it was at her place (she still lives with her parents), but even then I'd have to sleep in another room or on the floor cause of her back. I'd always drive her to her appointments, and wanted her to get better.. But this caused a lot of fights in itself.. I wanted a girlfriend who I was able to sleep with, but she thought it was unfair because she was the one with pains, and made me feel bad about feeling that way.. Can't tell if I was insensitive or a good boyfriend.

 

And you're right on about the single life being good, I'm seeing the silver-lining slowly. This is a chance for self-improvement. I let a lot of my life go when I met her, made her the center of my universe, went from great shape to dad-bod, and didn't focus on my passions or school as much as I should have. Ya there are other girls out there who are probably better, but right now I still love her. I saw her on a dating app a couple days ago. I was hurt, but I'm also on it, and not really looking for anything but validation on it, so she's probably doing the same. I hope she is happier, but I also hope she realizes that this break up has motivated me like never before to change for myself, and I hope someday she comes sniffing around to see what she's been missing. Only time will tell, right now it sucks cause she did leave me that little breadcrumb of hope.

[whatdeww18]

Thanks for the support. You're right, she was a lot of work. But that made it so nice. I liked having someone high maintenance.. All my friends think I'm crazy for liking her, all of them called her a princess, but I was happy to make her feel like one. Just an example, she had pretty bad back problems (for a 25 year old girl, pretty abnormal, but I was accommodating), and just so she would be comfortable sleeping over, I bought a $3000 mattress. At the beginning we were fine sleeping together, but me moving in my sleep hurt her back. So I took out a mat and let her sleep on my bed while I slept on the floor for over a month. Eventually my bed in general hurt her, and only her bed gave her any comfort, so we weren't even able to sleep together anymore unless it was at her place (she still lives with her parents), but even then I'd have to sleep in another room or on the floor cause of her back. I'd always drive her to her appointments, and wanted her to get better.. But this caused a lot of fights in itself.. I wanted a girlfriend who I was able to sleep with, but she thought it was unfair because she was the one with pains, and made me feel bad about feeling that way.. Can't tell if I was insensitive or a good boyfriend.

 

And you're right on about the single life being good, I'm seeing the silver-lining slowly. This is a chance for self-improvement. I let a lot of my life go when I met her, made her the center of my universe, went from great shape to dad-bod, and didn't focus on my passions or school as much as I should have. Ya there are other girls out there who are probably better, but right now I still love her. I saw her on a dating app a couple days ago. I was hurt, but I'm also on it, and not really looking for anything but validation on it, so she's probably doing the same. I hope she is happier, but I also hope she realizes that this break up has motivated me like never before to change for myself, and I hope someday she comes sniffing around to see what she's been missing. Only time will tell, right now it sucks cause she did leave me that little breadcrumb of hope.

 

Think you're getting the point of it all. I'm in the same boat as you, this was my first real relationship and my insecurity shined through. We were long distance which really exacerbated things but I wouldn't sound happy if he went out among other things but it was more like I wanted to be there and never expressed that I disliked any of his friends. Anyways, as someone who is further along in the healing process from all this is that we are responsible for our emotions. 100%. I shouldn't have ever made him feel bad for going out, even if I wasn't aware of it. HOWEVER, my partner has every right to ask me if there is something wrong.

 

Although I doubt my insecurity would have gone away just like that, I would have definitely learned to take a step back and analyze the situation more. Jealousy, and controlling behavior are symptoms of deep rooted insecurity (I believe), and only we can fix that. However, proper communication and love can go a LONG way in fixing that. Don't take all the blame for the break up. When you can tell me all the good things you did in the relationship, and see the break up as 50/50 fault on both parties, you're in a good place.

 

I'm not even there but I'm getting close. My ex tried to do that with me saying he'd be willing to try again in the future. Cut the bs, you were made aware of the problem and can work on things together if she loved you. Maybe she does and the pain and everything is clouding her judgement? But in any case, she doesn't want to be with you right now and that's all that matters. You have to move on and work on yourself for yourself, like everyone has said. If she realizes that you actually took this time to heal, and she does indeed love you, you get the choice to decide whether things going forward with her is the right one.

 

Like others have said, it's not right for either of you stay in limbo either waiting for someone better or each other. Just keeps feelings lingering and not understanding if you truly love someone even after moving on or it just wasn't meant to be. Give each other the gift of letting go with love, and if you both come to realize you want to go back, really work at it!

 

(Also, a lot of relationships contain jealousy, and insecurity especially moreso in younger relationships. This is not unique. However, controlling your own emotions and having proper communication is key. For example, it's okay to be jealous of your partner that he/she gets all this attention when going out. But you have trust in them to not do anything and you still see them as that handsome/beautiful person and you are putting in effort to keep the love alive. It's not okay to be jealous of your partner when they are doing everything right and you accuse them of doing things when going out).

 

Wishing you the best,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[StevenP]

Thanks for the response. I just wish I could predict the future. I wish I knew she'd be around for when I get better, and she'd be ecstatic to give it another go. I told her, what if we're in relationships by then? She said she had a friend that was waiting to ask a girl out that's currently in a relationship, and that timing is everything blah blah.. I don't know, it's hard to move on right now, but it's the only option. I just wish this was like my other relationships where I was told flat out they didn't love me anymore. This girl in our relationship never admitted she was in love with me. She said with all the fighting it was hard for her to get there. But that she loves me as a person and all that bs.. Damn I'm just realizing that maybe both of us were looking for different things... But then why give that hope? I see what you're saying, if it's meant to be it'll be meant to be.. But it's a hard pill to swallow.

[StevenP]

We resolved our issues and are now back together! Apparently this whole time she'd been sad about breaking up, and that she was actually telling the truth about hope. Although we kind of worked things out early, it appears that a lot of my issues were resolved by listening to everyone, giving it a lot of thought, and practicing what my therapist taught me.

[dumbass2]

Good luck. Check back down the road and let us know how it's going and hopefully the issues have been resolved. Successful reconciliation is rare to see on here, so again, good luck.