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Did I snuff out our spark in one blow?


datingacheater29

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datingacheater29

My girlfriend and I of 11 months got together for a night out together during the week. The night went great and was filled with our usual banter and conversation.

 

As she was heading to drop me off to catch the train, I asked her how her sister has been doing since being cheated on. Eventually I told her how I felt about cheating and cheaters. That it is unacceptable and people should break-up if they are going to cheat.

 

Well, she took a different side. She said she feels empathetic and understanding towards cheaters, even though it's still wrong.

 

I was surprised and asked how she could feel this way? She spilled that she has cheated on the last two serious relationships in her past. I knew of a cheating story of hers, but brushed it off at the time because, well, honeymoon.

 

She went on to explain she felt stuck in the relationships, things were rough and most days she felt like they were going to be bad days. Someone came along and was giving her nothing but positive attention, which she really enjoyed. She would enjoy their company and then when he made his move, she kissed back. She did say they only kissed in both occasions, but that's hard to believe.

 

At this point I became passionate, and I'm afraid it came off as condescending and judging -- my voice was raised in a serious manner. I said she is playing the victim, and that when a relationship gets rough that's how she acts? By cheating? Just some positive attention during a rough spot is all it takes? I was definitely upset to hear her reasoning.

 

She continued to explain herself and I told her I am not angry with her or trying to fight, but that I passionately disagree with her and that I feel like she's justifying what she did, and being unfair to herself. I wasn't having it. I think she felt judged.

 

I called her again on the train and expressed that I love her and that everything that happened in her past led her to me, after all. And the past is the past. I apologized for coming off fiercely. I told her I would never cheat on her, and if she ever felt that way about someone else to do me a favor and end it first. We ended the conversation with normal chit chat about the night and lovey dovey stuff.

 

The next day I couldn't get the "kissing" part out of my head. I felt lied to and like I had been given a watered down story. So I asked her to call me after work to have an open conversation and then move on stronger than before. All I asked was for her to be honest with me and to tell me if the stories she told me were true, because I felt like I was lied to. She said yes, and detailed both experiences, even though I said that was unnecessary.

 

3 weeks have gone by and we've been having a great time together. But she called and told me she doesn't feel the same love for me anymore, and that she doesn't feel her love growing anymore. Wow did that hurt.

 

I asked how long she has been feeling this way, and she told me since a week or two before our cheating conversation (I think.. I was shocked). It really hurt. She then told me she has been crushing on someone else lately. She seems really guilty. And the relationship is on its way out. Hell, she could be cheating already for all I know. Her feelings for me are lost, and I'm going to have to pull the trigger soon.

 

Did I snuff out her spark with that one series of conversations?

Edited by datingacheater29
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The conversation didn't cause her to lose feelings. She said she was feeling differently about you two weeks before the conversation -- chances are there's more than just crushing going on with this guy and highly likely she was on her way out quite some time ago. She's the kind that sets up a new prospect before she dumps the old. And of course she's going to justify her cheating ways -- most cheaters have a sense of entitlement.

 

Pull the trigger soon? You should have done it yesterday.

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datingacheater29
The conversation didn't cause her to lose feelings. She said she was feeling differently about you two weeks before the conversation -- chances are there's more than just crushing going on with this guy and highly likely she was on her way out quite some time ago. She's the kind that sets up a new prospect before she dumps the old. And of course she's going to justify her cheating ways -- most cheaters have a sense of entitlement.

 

Pull the trigger soon? You should have done it yesterday.

 

Yea, I just need to do it in person. Personal policy.

 

I am not sure if that's what she said about her losing her feelings timeline-wise. At that point my heart was racing and I was not really listening.

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I also feel that she was on her way out or had someone else she was going to cheat on you with... That's why she broke it before she did..

 

Anyone that justifies cheating isn't someone I would trust anyways. You'll get over it and find someone better!

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Yea, I just need to do it in person. Personal policy.

 

I am not sure if that's what she said about her losing her feelings timeline-wise. At that point my heart was racing and I was not really listening.

 

I've experienced a cheater. They don't deserve face time. Personal policy should be your self-respect.

 

Regardless, she's checked out. Call her and end it.

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Your best option is to abort this mission..

 

This is absolutely the only way... trust me.

Tell her it was a pleasure and walk away.

Why...?99% of men do not do this she will respect you.

It's the respectable thing to do.

 

You'll feel the pain for awhile.. but she doesn't need to know that. Conversation or not she would have checked out anyway...

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snip

Did I snuff out her spark with that one series of conversations?

 

No, you didn't.

 

I think the talk brought some things to the surface that hadn't been seen up to that point.

 

As a general principle I don't recommend raking through someone's past.

 

A persons past belongs to them and isn't common property.

 

But this case isn't so straightforward, because she volunteered the information.

 

Where you *may* have gone wrong, was by expressing yourself in a judgmental, and as you say, 'condescending' way. That may have come over as you asserting moral superiority and lecturing her. But thats open to question given the circumstances.

 

Also:

 

"I asked was for her to be honest with me and to tell me if the stories she told me were true, because I felt like I was lied to."

 

That was very close to the bone. She may have perceived that as you labelling her a liar.

 

But it's not just about you and what you said.

 

She admitted herself that she's taken an interest in somebody else.

Thats a very big red flag.

 

Given your passionate views about cheating, and her ambivalence about it, I wonder if the two of you can have any future together.

 

I don't think you do.

 

If I were you I would seriously question the wisdom of being with someone who has such different beliefs about something thats obviously very important to you.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
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I don't think you are responsible for snuffing out any spark. If you look back at what you have said, you can see that this girl cheats! The way she deals with relationships is to seek comfort in someone else. She does not have the boundaries you need in a girlfriend. I don't think you did anything wrong except maybe if you got angry with her. But, even if you did get angry, you felt what she did was wrong. Is it going to be any less wrong if she actually got time to cheat on you? No. So why bother trying to get this girl back? She was very likely to cheat in the end anyway.

 

I can sort of understand someone cheating in very exceptional circumstances, like a sick partner who has given them permission to see others, or if they have a partner who is asexual or something, but even then it seems distasteful. Surely it is better to have a partner who respects fidelity in the first place rather than be worrying if you put the nail in the coffin when maybe that nail was very important to you?

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You didn't do anything wrong. She's just a cheater and relies on the attention of other men for validation. You can't build a relationship with someone like that. How can her feelings grow for anyone if a Coke and a smile can influence her decision to cheat/leave a relationship so readily? I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later. Imagine being married to her and you have an argument. The first person to take her to lunch will have you packing your bags...and paying alimony, child support, and seeing your kids every other weekend...just not worth it man.

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Once a cheater, always a cheater. If she could cheat on 2 of her exes what makes you think she won't do the same with you. From what I've learned someone who had the audacity to cheat once, will do it again.

As for losing feelings for you, she is justifying herself. She may have someone lined up and she has sensed the fact that you are not fine with her cheating antics. Whatever you say buddy, even if you both do not break up, you will always be unsure whether she is cheating on you or not. It's better to let go.

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datingacheater29

I fully plan on dumping her to the curb. I'm just concerned my boundaries and passion (I wasn't really angry tbh) about the topic was the cause of her apparent loss of spark, along with her seeing someone else.

 

We had a good thing, but apparently I was blinded by the honeymoon phase. She made me laugh my ass off and made great conversation with me. That's the funny thing about cheaters, they know how to get what they want. It's unfortunate, because she'll probably evolve into a wonderful woman someday.

 

With that being said, my sights are set on dumping. No worries there gents.

 

In the future, I need to be more careful about raking through the past. I agree. This was my first relationship where I wasn't her "first", so curiosity got the best of me. I asked questions I later realized I didn't want to know the answer to (like she has slept with 25 guys... where I come from that's crazy talk.. but I got over it). She saw us as super confident together and readily volunteered the information. Funny how into us she used to be, and now she's already swinging like a monkey to the next branch. Buh-bye.

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She said she feels empathetic and understanding towards cheaters, even though it's still wrong.

 

She spilled that she has cheated on the last two serious relationships in her past. I knew of a cheating story of hers, but brushed it off at the time because, well, honeymoon.

 

She went on to explain she felt stuck in the relationships, things were rough and most days she felt like they were going to be bad days. Someone came along and was giving her nothing but positive attention, which she really enjoyed. She would enjoy their company and then when he made his move, she kissed back. She did say they only kissed in both occasions, but that's hard to believe.

 

Did I snuff out her spark with that one series of conversations?

 

Nope, you were in a relationship with a serial cheater, someone who gets bored in every relationships, and cope out by cheating before breaking up.

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I'm really sorry, man. You told her that if she is going to cheat to break up with you first and it looks like that is the direction she is headed.

 

She will do the same to the next guy. As soon as a relationship is out of the early "romantic phase" these types of people grow bored and want to move on to a new relationship.

 

Unless she gets come counseling, she likely will keep repeating this same pattern over and over again.

 

Hang in there.

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No, your questioning her about being unfaithful didn't cause her to lose feelings. Don't stress about that.

 

As Satu said, it brought out opinions of hers that were always there, you just didn't know them yet. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones whom she actually told she was checking out. Had you hung in there, you would probably have been boyfriend #3 that she cheated on.

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I honestly think that the conversation made her come forward with her current position but was not the cause of her losing interest in you. Hearing you express how passionately against cheating you are made her feel guilty about how she had been 'crushing' on somebody else (planning to cheat or already cheating), and so then she decided she'd tell you that she was losing the spark for you! It was already happening, she just wasn't going to mention it until you made her aware of how wrong that is!! This is her way of ending it.

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"She spilled that she has cheated on the last two serious relationships in her past."

 

Hey, lucky her now gets to change her story to ...... "She spilled that she has cheated on the last THREE serious relationships in her past."

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Your conversation had nothing to do with the spark coming or going.

 

And yeah she is already cheating on you and you know what to do.

 

You are actually lucky that you got into that conversation, it gave you a glimpse into the real person that you were dating and I bet that it got you ready to dump her quicker than it would have otherwise.

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I fully plan on dumping her to the curb.

 

...With that being said, my sights are set on dumping.

 

But by telling you she has no feelings for you any more and that she is crushing on someone else, she has already dumped you, surely?

 

No-one tells their bf those things, if they want to continue with the relationship.

She has checked out. It is over.

Yes, she may hang around as she doesn't want to hurt you, or she wants to avoid conflict, or she would prefer that you were the "bad guy" and dumped her, or she is one of those who cannot ever make a decision... but this is now over bar the shouting.

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datingacheater29

Well the conversation we had was 4.5 weeks before she revealed she was starting to have her eye on someone else. I have a feeling that happened after the conversation.

 

But regardless, she's turning to someone else after a passionate discussion about cheating? That just seems emotionally immature.

 

I would like to think her losing love was her choice, all because she has paid attention to her fantasy of being with this other guy.

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She's a serial cheater. She will never change and never be satisfied in the relationship she has long term.

 

Consider yourself lucky.

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Did I snuff out her spark with that one series of conversations?

 

Probably not. It was more than likely going out on her end for some time now if it took less than 2 weeks for her to make an about face.

 

At least you know now what your gut telling you to speak up feels like--in the future, when you have this feeling, act on it despite whatever aftermath ensues. It's best for bad things to be over sooner than later.

 

Sorry you are dealing with this.

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But regardless, she's turning to someone else after a passionate discussion about cheating? That just seems emotionally immature.

 

No. I seriously doubt this conversation made her do what she was already prone to doing--and that you knew about but chose to ignore. She's being the only thing she can be: herself. She can't be who you want for her to be if she doesn't want to be that person for herself.

 

I would like to think her losing love was her choice, all because she has paid attention to her fantasy of being with this other guy.

 

or she may not really want or is equal to the obligations your love brings...

 

I mean we can speculate all day on her motives. She seems more as if she's incapable of/uninterested in the level of devotion you require.

 

You now know that you two cannot proceed and maintain happiness together. She ain't that one.

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