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After six months, I broke NC.


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A few minutes ago, I checked an old e-mail account.

 

To see if my ex-fiance had e-mailed me at any point.

 

He did, in late October.

 

Basically to tell me about a friend of his and how he (my ex) would approve of me getting in contact with his friend as a friend or as whatever, and how it sort of makes his heart smile to think of us together.

 

He didn't say he cares about me or misses me, or anything at all to suggest that he ever did. Or that he wanted to be friends or anything like that.

 

And now I'm in tears.

 

This is why, friends, we don't break no contact.

 

Do you also get the feeling that there's no sense of care or empathy?

 

:(

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I'm sorry, Sooshi. Think of this as a blessing. A painful one but one that is actually going to help you put a final nail in that coffin. This should push you to block him and close all doors. I believe he has given you closure.

 

It isn't about care or empathy. Maybe he's just indifferent to you emotionally and that's he's an ahole.

 

You're projecting the value you see in him.

Edited by Zahara
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I was thinking of you when I wrote that, Zahara. And when I went to check that old e-mail account. Hearing your "voice" not to do it. Feeling ashamed that I did.

 

You're right, he did come across as indifferent to me. That hurts.

 

I suppose it is a blessing, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

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I was thinking of you when I wrote that, Zahara. And when I went to check that old e-mail account. Hearing your "voice" not to do it. Feeling ashamed that I did.

 

You're right, he did come across as indifferent to me. That hurts.

 

I suppose it is a blessing, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

 

Don't feel ashamed that you did it. What matters now is how you move on from this. It's been 6 months of NC -- what is it that you're still seeking from him that you cannot find within yourself?

 

You need to take him down from that pedestal. You need to come to terms that the image you created and are still holding onto isn't real. It's something that you have to reflect upon and really figure what is it you're attached to because if you were to write all the positive attributes that you hoped for in a loving and caring partner, he'd fall very short. So, what is keeping you stuck?

 

It's going to hurt for now. But you'll bounce back quicker. This is just a little stumble. A little shock to the system. It will wear off in a few days. Then comes time for you to find your closure with this.

 

And please block him. There is nothing more to expect or hope from this.

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Painful as it is, it's something you'll come to terms with.

 

You know for sure that you've been doing all the right things, and you'll carry on making progress just as you have until now.

 

You're a very wise and insightful person.

 

Trust in that to guide you.

 

 

Take care.

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It may be a case of needing to change your mindset.

 

Instead of wondering if he still cares, be happy for you that you ended it before making something permanent with a man who doesn't care. that email was mean spirited and unwarranted. What loving person says that?

 

I myself have finally come around to that way of thinking. I dodged a bullet.

 

If you read my tale of woe, you will understand what I mean.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/603033-bromeo-needs-vent

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Thank you for your replies, friends.

 

I went around more online and found out that he has a partner, and he says that he's happy to think about her having sex with whoever she wants because everyone should have access to the wonderful love she has to offer.

 

But again, he is polyamorous and doesn't think monogamy/marriage is natural, and it seems like he wants to/tries to get people to understand and believe that.

 

We have very fundamentally different beliefs in that regard.

 

I guess it helps in some way to know that he's with someone now and that's the lifestyle he truly wants. I'd been hoping it wasn't.

 

I want to respond more directly to individual posts, and I'll do so when I'm feeling better.

 

Thank you again, everyone. <3

Edited by sooshi
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We all break NC. So do not beat yourself too much around it. Essentially you now have a good reason not to repeat such a mistake.

 

NC is just a method to emotionally detach from a person. Sometimes it is not enough. We need that ultimate flak to really be able to move on. And you got yours.

Now cry as much as you want to get rid of that emotional mess and from now on do not keep false hope and never break NC again.

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I went around more online and found out that he has a partner, and he says that he's happy to think about her having sex with whoever she wants because everyone should have access to the wonderful love she has to offer.

 

But again, he is polyamorous and doesn't think monogamy/marriage is natural, and it seems like he wants to/tries to get people to understand and believe that.

 

We have very fundamentally different beliefs in that regard.

 

YOU have to try and use that info to break the bond between you totally. This would NEVER work and so you can bypass all the what ifs, the buts and the maybes. Those are the things that tend to drag you down.

Set yourself free from those feelings.

Once you accept that it would NEVER work then you should be able to move quickly onwards.

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After six months, I broke NC.

 

 

Ask yourself, why????

 

You are obviously still in 'hope' mode. Why are you in hope mode?. Get the f**k out of there!! NOW!!!

 

You ask. We say No. You ask again. WE SAY NO!!!!!

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I ended up e-mailing him yesterday. He hasn't acknowledged me.

 

I guess I have my answer. :( And I guess there is nothing left to say.

 

I've been kind. I've been compassionate. I've done my best. I'm reminding myself that his choices have no reflection on me or my worth. I'm reminding myself that I am worthy, that I am enough, that I am loved, lovable, and taken care of.

 

Still... for now, it hurts.

 

Thank you to everyone who replied in this thread. I'm sorry for not replying to everyone individually after all, but I want all of you to know that you've been heard.

 

Take care.

Edited by sooshi
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I ended up e-mailing him yesterday. He hasn't acknowledged me.

 

I guess I have my answer. :( And I guess there is nothing left to say.

 

I've been kind. I've been compassionate. I've done my best. I'm reminding myself that his choices have no reflection on me or my worth. I'm reminding myself that I am worthy, that I am enough, that I am loved, lovable, and taken care of.

 

Still... for now, it hurts.

 

Thank you to everyone who replied in this thread. I'm sorry for not replying to everyone individually after all, but I want all of you to know that you've been heard.

 

Take care.

 

And if he responds, you really need to figure out what it is you are still seeking from him. The bold -- reminding yourself only when you're not getting the response you want is one thing, but when do you actually start believing it?

 

You had your answer a long time ago.

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That was difficult to take, but you're spot on, Zahara. Truly.

 

As painful as it is, thank you for helping me to see what I couldn't see through the hope-covered lenses I've been wearing.

 

You're the best, Zahara.

Edited by sooshi
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I ended up e-mailing him yesterday. He hasn't acknowledged me.

 

I guess I have my answer. :( And I guess there is nothing left to say.

 

I've been kind. I've been compassionate. I've done my best. I'm reminding myself that his choices have no reflection on me or my worth. I'm reminding myself that I am worthy, that I am enough, that I am loved, lovable, and taken care of.

 

Still... for now, it hurts.

 

Thank you to everyone who replied in this thread. I'm sorry for not replying to everyone individually after all, but I want all of you to know that you've been heard.

 

Take care.

 

His feelings about you certainly have nothing to do with your self worth. But I know that I can take a long time until you truly believe that for yourself. It took me a really long time to believe that for myself. I was one of those people that measured her self-worth by her partner. So of course, when I relationship ended, I would feel worthless.

 

if I am reading his email to you correctly, was he insinuating that he would be OK if you dated his friend?

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That was difficult to take, but you're spot on, Zahara. Truly.

 

As painful as it is, thank you for helping me to see what I couldn't see through the hope-covered lenses I've been wearing.

 

You're the best, Zahara.

 

I know how you feel. I've been one to tie my self-worth to the actions of another and rejection was always internalized. It's been six months that you have been NC -- you have to ask yourself what it is you're still seeking from him. The fact that you're still keeping yourself accessible to him is telling -- you're still yearning for some sort of validation. You said you now have your answer -- answer to what? I came across this quote -- stop placing lifetime expectations on seasonal people. He could never give you the life you wanted and you knew that way then when it ended and even before. He is who he is and he's never changing nor will you ever be able to change him.

 

Acceptance. You need to come to terms with the reality and truth of what you had with him. He didn't reject the relationship because of you -- he rejected it because it wasn't going to suit his lifestyle and that has absolutely nothing to do with you. More importantly, it was never going to be the live you wanted as well.

 

What you seek from him, you need to find from within and until you do that you're going to be chasing validation from all the wrong people.

 

I hope you have blocked him and that you're not sitting there checking your email hoping for some sign of care.

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BC, it's so good to hear from you. :) I absolutely can relate to you in the self-worth department.

 

Yes, I think that is what he was insinuating. He mentioned that he felt like his friend had been very fond of me, and didn't know if I was ever attracted to him, but that he would approve of me contacting him. I thought it was disrespectful to both his friend and to myself to bring that up, in part because it seemed like he didn't have his friend's permission to speak of him like that (he also said some personal things about him).

 

And Zahara is right. I had my answer long ago. I just didn't want to fully accept it. In that e-mail, he didn't even mention my name. It seemed that the point of the e-mail was to tell me he could see me and his friend together and that it of makes his heart smile sometimes to think of that. We hadn't spoken in several months, and I was shocked, disappointed, angered, flustered, and disturbed that this is how he chose to break the silence. He said if it was too weird, to just delete the e-mail. It wasn't weird. It was callous, although I'm sure in his mind he was doing something good.

 

Sadly, I checked that e-mail account the day after I'd read Zahara comment somewhere else on her, something like: "Translation: I tolerate disrespect and shytt behaviour."

 

Oops.

 

Must. Listen. To. Zahara. Always.

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LonelyInsomniac

He's poly. He's never had a sense of there being "the one," or even "a one".

 

That said, poly people tend to assume everyone is like them and just too ashamed to admit it.

 

He does not understand your need for individual love.

 

Well-intentioned as it was, implying he'd be turned on by you banging a friend of his is not what you needed nor wanted. He is unable to meet whatever needs you have, even if he wanted to.

 

Find something new to preoccupy yourself with. Picking up old or new hobbies, getting in contact with old friends or finding new friends, doing something out of the ordinary, or seeking community are all immersive things to do that help get our eyes back on the future.

Edited by LonelyInsomniac
Whoops, quote tree.
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BC, it's so good to hear from you. :) I absolutely can relate to you in the self-worth department.

 

Yes, I think that is what he was insinuating. He mentioned that he felt like his friend had been very fond of me, and didn't know if I was ever attracted to him, but that he would approve of me contacting him. I thought it was disrespectful to both his friend and to myself to bring that up, in part because it seemed like he didn't have his friend's permission to speak of him like that (he also said some personal things about him).

 

And Zahara is right. I had my answer long ago. I just didn't want to fully accept it. In that e-mail, he didn't even mention my name. It seemed that the point of the e-mail was to tell me he could see me and his friend together and that it of makes his heart smile sometimes to think of that. We hadn't spoken in several months, and I was shocked, disappointed, angered, flustered, and disturbed that this is how he chose to break the silence. He said if it was too weird, to just delete the e-mail. It wasn't weird. It was callous, although I'm sure in his mind he was doing something good.

 

Sadly, I checked that e-mail account the day after I'd read Zahara comment somewhere else on her, something like: "Translation: I tolerate disrespect and shytt behaviour."

 

Oops.

 

Must. Listen. To. Zahara. Always.

 

Yes, Zahara always has great insights. She has given me great advice. I've said this before to people, and I've learned this way myself. But sometimes you have to touch the stove to realize how hot it is. We can tell you all day long why you shouldn't do something, but, in the end, experience is the best teacher. Truly, there is no substitute for living out the consequences of ones actions. Now, if you were just continuing to do the same things over and over and not learning, that would be a different story. But I know that you are truly trying to do the right things to move forward, and this is just a little setback.

 

That email is callous. That is the perfect word to describe it. I can't imagine writing such a thing to anyone I broke up with.

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You're right, BC, there is no substitute for living out the consequences of our own actions.

 

I wondered if I was being too negative in thinking that e-mail was callous. I e-mailed him yesterday, and I was consciously compassionate and kind. He's probably laughing about it, and at me.

 

I cannot believe he wrote that to me. But I also know that he wouldn't have been able to do so if I had deleted that e-mail account sooner. And I guess it is a blessing that he did write that, because now I have an idea about how he feels about me, and I can begin to accept it and move on.

 

It's hard, but it's only a setback, as BC said. I'll get through this.

 

Thank you to everyone for your encouragement, support, tough love, and words of reality.

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Sooshi,

 

Its interesting to think that as much as we think about our ex, that they about us. I fall into that trap sometimes as well.

 

For me, mine was friends with her "abusive" ex boyfriend on facebook. You know, the one who left her in Mexico, and shot at her? that one. Oh, and she got shirtless pics from "friend" bros. I was so in love I ignored these and other major red flags.

 

Although you have given yourself time away, he simply sent that to poke at you. You allowing it to hurt gives him power.

 

I myself believe that some situations call for a response. When someone is intentionally cruel, as in this one, living happy is the best revenge.

 

Right now I would hate to see my ex so happy with her new man, as after 3 weeks of NC, she told me she was seeing him. And of course she waited until our breakup. Right....

 

Food for thought.

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I wondered if I was being too negative in thinking that e-mail was callous. I e-mailed him yesterday, and I was consciously compassionate and kind. He's probably laughing about it, and at me.

 

I don't think he cares enough at this point. Indifference is the hardest to bear. You'd almost rather someone hate you. The fact that he suggested he was okay if you were with another man indicates what his emotions are. He didn't answer your email, so I honestly think he has emotionally checked out. I know it hurts, and it's shocking at the same time.

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I never thought or imagined he would ever become emotionally checked out, but given that e-mail, and now the lack of response, you're probably right.

 

I feel embarrassed that I sent that e-mail now. I also commented on a blog post, and he never acknowledged it, but acknowledged all of the other comments by other individuals.

 

You're right, BC. It hurts, and it's shocking at the same time. So much invested into all of those years, and now nothing.

 

But I guess it's just what I needed to really wake me up and see the reality of the situation.

 

Thanks for being here.

Edited by sooshi
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I never thought or imagined he would ever become emotionally checked out, but given that e-mail, and now the lack of response, you're probably right.

 

I feel embarrassed that I sent that e-mail now. I also commented on a blog post, and he never acknowledged it, but acknowledged all of the other comments by other individuals.

 

You're right, BC. It hurts, and it's shocking at the same time. So much invested into all of those years, and now nothing.

 

But I guess it's just what I needed to really wake me up and see the reality of the situation.

 

Thanks for being here.

 

It's really hard to comprehend it when people's feelings change. It's so hard to believe that we go to great lengths to deny it. It's also so hurtful that we can't accept it. It really takes time and you also becoming indifferent.

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First off, give yourself credit for acknowledging this as breaking NC. The fact that you're aware that NC is far more than simply not talking to someone shows that you're ahead of the curve. Look how many folks here post about being in NC, but in the same post, will mention they check their ex's social media regularly or something like that!

 

It's been something like 7 months since I last had any communication with my ex, which is about twice as long as we've ever gone without any sort of contact. I finally blocked her last spring, so I don't necessarily view things as being "NC." Short of her showing up at my door or us bumping into each other somewhere, I won't be speaking with her again. Even so, I am mindful of the spirit of NC where she is concerned.

 

Some months ago, I made the mistake of looking her up on a whim. She's blocked on social media, but I'll admit that I simply ran her name through a Google search. A recent photo of her came up, and I immediately regretted it.

 

For one, I knew it was a mistake to even be running such a search. What was I hoping to gain from it? Secondly, the findings just left me with such a weird, uncomfortable feeling. I felt as though I was looking at the face of a stranger who seemed oddly familiar. She didn't look radically different, but enough so that, at best, there was only a hint of familiarity.

 

I spent some time after thinking about why this picture made me feel so strange. Perhaps it was simply that I had made her "real" again but seeing a recent photo of her rather than allowing her to remain a fading memory. Or maybe it was that she did look so different. Not worse. Not better. Just... different. It was further proof that in most ways, she really is a stranger now. There's something about that realization regarding someone who was once your most intimate companion that just leaves you feeling oddly vulnerable.

 

I guess my point is, this setback was ultimately something that's served in distancing myself from her and the life we shared together. I've not looked her up since, because I am fully aware of how such actions only serve to pull me back to a place I don't want to revisit. I think you can ultimately find a similar revelation with your situation, with this breakage of NC serving as a guidepost of sorts.

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Blanco! Yay! Thanks for posting. I always enjoy reading your posts.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think that yes, this could serve as a guidepost. Since seeing that e-mail, I've done the Google search and social media searches and everything. He doesn't feel like a stranger, but it does hurt that he will not acknowledge me.

 

It's especially hard because he publicly proclaims that he loves everyone, is in love with everyone, that nobody should be left behind, etc. And now I feel like maybe I am the exception to that.

 

I really don't feel like I've done anything to deserve being ignored. I am familiar with your story, and I don't feel like I did anything remotely close to the behaviour that you deal with. The only thing I can think of is that he felt betrayed that I couldn't cope with having an open relationship, as I had promised that I would be able to be fine with it. I really did think I could. But I was mistaken. After we broke up, he emphasized that he didn't blame me for anything.

 

Blanco, I know you say you're not the most mature person (though you certainly come across as VERY mature on LS!), but as a guy, I wonder if you can imagine any scenario that could lead a guy to write such an e-mail as a means of first contact in months. I cannot imagine you doing that. While we were together, he did tell me that he thought his friend liked me, and how he thought it was cute. I told him I was uncomfortable with the idea. And he told me right before we were going to spend time with his friend, and then I felt nervous throughout the remaining time we spent with his friend.

 

Like you, Blanco, I was very adamant about not making first contact again. I really did not think I would. But I caved in. I'm making it a point not to look at his social media anymore. I've been checking it a lot since discovering that e-mail two days ago. As you know, there is no good that can come from it.

Edited by sooshi
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