complicated breakup

[YesMan87]

Hello I'm Pasha

 

I've been with this girl for about 5 months. I brought her with me to Thanksgiving dinner to meet my extended family. Everything was going very well until around dessert time, when something escalated between my gf and one of my girl cousins. My gf walked away crying and shouting and calling my cousin names. I pulled her aside trying to calm her down but that attempt failed, with her demanding to leave at once. So we left since I was her ride.

 

I took her home as she wished but we were talking about what had happened the whole ride and for another 1 hr after having parked in front of her place. She cried and became more emotional than I've ever seen her before. I was embarrassed about what had happened and was unable to calm her down.

 

The next day, we met up at my place and continued our conversation about what had happened. She said she hadn't slept all night and I could see that she looked very distraught. In the midst of discussion, it must have triggered things in her that made her start to argue with me. About anything and everything. This went on for the next 2 days, constant arguing about this and that. We said things that can not be taken back. It all seemed unfixable, so I broke up with her. She kept calling and texting so I shut my phone off to sleep. Was woken up the next morning (this morning) real early with the doorbell. I asked what she was doing here, and she said she came to apologize. I said it's way too late for that. That there's no way we can recover from alllll that arguing and what was said. I told her I have exhausted my efforts in this relationship and that I have nothing left.

 

(during the 5 months, we fought probably an average of once a week, all about absolutely trivial things. She really blows things way out of proportion and dwells way too long on the problem. Im much more logical and want to keep things moving forward. I talk about the issue, acknowledge what couldve been different, and leave it behind. she will bring up old fights weeks and months later. One fight was about how my exgf keeps popping up on her facebook and how one of my current friends is still friends with her. )

 

Anyway...so there she was standing in my place early in the morning unannounced and wouldn't leave and is very persistent about not breaking up. I was very firm about not being with her anymore. 1 1/2 hrs of more arguing early in the morning, after I broke up with her the night before...and she would still not leave. Finally I got her out the door and said goodbye.

 

fast forward to this evening, she texts me saying she was coughing up blood and drove herself to the er. Turns out she has a tumor in her lung and that she needs to see and specialist. (She mentioned coughing up blood about a month ago but when I tried inquiring and helping, she refused to talk more about it, so I left it alone). I call her after reading her text, I knew she doesn't have anyone really to talk to. she was crying her eyes out and said she was scared. poor girl, I went to her place just to be comforting, even though it was completely strange being that I just broke up with her and didn't plan on seeing her at all.

 

at her place, she got back into why we shouldn't break up and I said that I came there not to talk about us, but to talk about what they said at the er and how to get help.

 

I have zero intention of getting back together with her, but poor girl, she has a tumor and she has nobody to talk to or to be there for her. She doesn't have any close friends. she is not in regualar touch with her dad; her mom is in a mental hospital overseas and she despises her mom for having abused her when she was a child.

 

poor girl has SOOOO many problems in her life. I have a big heart but I don't want to **** my life up.

 

sorry for the long story, I need advice. thanks

[Expectmore]

You have to get out or you will be stuck.

She is probably semi bipolar and needy to the point of coming over un announced.

Start seeing another girl and tell her if she won't leave you alone.

Or maybe she will calm down and just be a FWB.

[Downtown]

YesMan, I agree with Expect that you are wise to walk away from this toxic relationship.

 

During the 5 months, we fought probably an average of once a week, all about absolutely trivial things.... She doesn't have any close friends.... her mom is in a mental hospital overseas and she despises her mom for having abused her when she was a child.

YesMan, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, abused in childhood, easily triggered temper tantrums, need for lots of drama, rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

I need advice.

My advice, like that given by Expect, is that you stay away from this young woman. I also suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, YesMan.

[kvolm2016]

Maybe one of the most kind and helpful things you can do for this young lady is to get her connected to a counselor so she will have someone to turn to for help. Are you familiar with agencies in your area that offer counseling help?

[YesMan87]

I never had a chance to thank those of you who replied to this thread back in November, so Thankyou!

 

 

The story continues...

 

I took her back after 3 weeks from that incident back in November and we have been together up until 1 week ago when I broke up with her again...and this time for good.

 

This post is more than just a simple update. This post is to get advice on a potentially serious matter.

 

3 days ago I woke up to 45 emails from her. 45! The first one was sent at 11:30pm and the last one was sent at 3am. That's 3 1/2 hours of constant emails, some of which are essays of bs. She goes from being apologetic and missing me and loving me and telling me she would do anything to get me back and begging for another chance...to cursing me and wishing I get an std and saying I'll be alone forever...and back to being soft and mushy and apologizing... and back to being nasty with more name caling, etc. back and forth like a legit crazy person in the middle of the night.

 

The worst of it was, around email number 30, in the midst of her nasty name calling, she writes the following: "I've made just ky". Now, this phrase makes no sense obviously, but it really appears to be a typo for " I may just kill you". with the "ky" being an abbreviation for " kill you". It is very common for her to type that way, using abbreviations like that, and she had many typos and abbreviations similar to this one email in most of the other 45 emails. For example, she'd commonly use: "idgaf, which I found out meant "I don't give a ****"; "af", which means "....as ****" etc.

 

This girl's unpredictability, instability, anger, and overall behavior is down right frightening. There were many other things she has said and done since we got back together that show her nastiness, but she has never threatened me in the way she appears to be threatening me with the email.

 

What should I do? Can I file a restraining order? Should I call her? Should I meet with her in public? Should I make it a legal matter?

 

Honestly I feel that I'm in danger. I want to be wise. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thankyou in advance.

 

ps sorry for long post. hopefully it's coherent enough to get the jist.

[YesMan87]

any advice is really appreciated.

[salparadise]

And what has transpired during the three days since the 45 emails? And what happened to the tumor –– was it real or just a ploy to get attention?

 

Bottom line is she's off the rails and you've got to disengage from her. She's not going to make it easy. If you seriously believe she will keep coming to your place or that she's threaten bodily harm you could get a restraining order, but that's not going to be the end of it. Can you physically disappear?

 

Just because you dated her awhile doesn't make you responsible. You can leave if you choose and you don't have to feel guilty. You can't fix her, and you have a right to live in peace. That's not going to happen though, unless you get away.

[preraph]

Write her (you want to keep it for yourself in writing as a log) an email that says you want no further contact with her. Keep it short. Then keep a log of anything she does to make contact and keep anything she writes or says. Don't answer the phone. Let it go to voicemail and keep the voicemail. If she keeps it up or makes a threat, do go ask the court for a restraining order. There are victim hotlines on google for domestic violence that might guide you in how to go about getting the order of protection or restraining order. That is just a piece of paper, so you still need to be very careful but if she then disobeys the order and contacts you or comes around, then you can call the police.

[YesMan87]

I decided to call her last sunday, and explained to her the seriousness of her threat, if indeed it was a threat. I said that if she ever contacts me again in any way or is seen anywhere near my residence, that I will call the police. I think it worked because I haven't heard from her since. (fingers crossed).

 

Anyway guys, thanks again for your replies. take care

[hindsight2021]

YesMan,

 

Everyone's advice here is sound. Get out and stay out of this situation. Hopefully the threat of getting the law involved will keep her away. But you may hear from her again.

 

Just stay away. Amd expect that she will try to draw you back in somehow with anything between threats against you or herself, or some kind of health issue.

 

Don't let yourself rescue her. Best thing to do is either block her everywhere, or if you have the willpower don't read anything she he sends you. She will try to get into your head. Stay away.