Struggling with the end of a short term relationship

[Kayley]

This is probably going to end up very long. I need to get everything out there. I feel really silly being so cut up over a 3 month relationship. It's nothing compared to some of the other stories on here. It was my first relationship in 3 years after a 2 & a half year emotionally (& sometimes physically) abusive relationship. The only 2 relationships I've had.

 

So I met this guy whose 27, I'm 24. I was also his first relationship in a while. I'm not sure how long but he'd say 'years' and I think his relationship with his ex was a difficult one. Supposedly she'd get really upset with him if he didn't text back quickly and she left him in England and drove back home without him. Anyway, we were texting loads before our first date. Speaking every single day. We hit it off really quickly and things were going well. Initially, he seemed a little insecure. Worried I would stand him up (which he said stemmed down to his ex leaving him in England). He'd worry about annoying me when we were texting if he thought I was being quiet etc. That aside, things were going really well. I met his parents, he talked about me meeting the rest of his family, talked about Christmas, next year etc. Things were going brilliantly. He hadn't met my family yet and we hadn't met each other friends but we talked about it.

 

We had a sorta disagreement one day. Basically I was stressed with other stuff and took it out on him via text. He called me out on it, I apologised & it all seemed to be okay. We had a chat about it the next day and we basically put everything out there about how we felt, what we wanted etc. after that things were really, really good.

 

However, thinking back on it I was probably unfair to him on a few occasions. I suppose I had my guard up because of what happened in the past & anything I perceived as remotely negative I'd push him away.

 

Then his dog got sick and he pulled away. He was incredibly quiet that week and I wasn't understanding of it. I kept texting him etc. and got worried because he wasn't really replying. We had plans and I got a pretty blunt text cancelling them saying he needed privacy and needed me to respect that. I was upset and backed off but asked him to keep me up to date with how things were. I can see now how selfish I was being, not thinking about what he was going through. He texted the next day like all was fine. I was away for the weekend, had no phone signal and when I got signal I had two messages from him. Both general chatty stuff, all fine. He was liking & commenting pics I put onto facebook etc. too.

 

I saw him the night I got home & everything was great. Then 2 days later I asked what he was doing, he said nothing so I asked if he wanted to do something since I was going away again the next day. By this point he said he had to take his mum to visit some in hospital. I over reacted, I was upset because by the time I got home I'd have seen him once in 2 weeks and I felt like he had his dad and brothers who could have taken his mum. He obviously knew that I'd wanted to do something since I asked what he was doing. I sent a bit of a bitchy text & ended up in an argument. I told him I didn't want to argue with him but he kept it going so of course I stupidly did too. However, I calmed down & apologised. His response was he was sick of dealing with my attitude & then me apologising 5 minutes later. I then stupidly said I understood if he didn’t want to be with me but I didn't want to lose him over this. He texted back saying that might be for the best. I more or less begged over text then drove out there. I said I didn't want to throw this away and he said he didn't either but he couldn't deal with me being this way. I apologised and said I'd really work on it and if I was upset about something I'd calm down and wait until I saw him to talk about it. All I can say is I was upset at how I've barely seen him recently and my emotions were a little all over the place because I missed him. He said he felt like he was walking on eggshells with me,scared to say he didn't want to see me in case I went off on one but that was a one off & wouldn't have happened if I wasn't going away. Besides, he generally initiated seeing each other, not me. I told him just to be honest with me because I understood & as long as he wasn't ditching me for like a week at a time it was fine. We generally saw each other about 3 times a week & he'd stay with me one night. He seemed to think I wanted more than that though despite me telling him I didn't. Everything seemed to be fine after that though. He told me not to worry and to have a great time away and we were making plans for when I got home.

 

We spoke that night, I went away the next day. We texted everyday I was away and I thought everything was okay. Again, daft things like liking pictures, telling me I was beautiful, he booked something for when I got home it seemed like we were back on track. I was really considering how I'd work on myself (I'm not even usually a needy person, I don't know what happened to me, all I can blame is the situation & I didn't react well to it). I felt like once I got home & everything went back to normal we'd be fine. The day I was due home he texted me in the morning asking my plans for the day. Then an hour later texted me saying he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said he didn't want to discuss it on the phone, in person etc. and that I had a way of talking him round (don't get that, surely you can't talk someone round who doesn't want to be talked round?), said he was really angry that I had shown up there on Wednesday and told me not to show up anywhere I shouldn't or contact his friends or family (as if I would!). In panic mode I tried calling, eventually he called me back. In my panicked state I done all the things I shouldn't have. I cried, begged, pleaded. He hung up but answered when I called back. Same thing repeated and i called back a few times to which he didn’t answer. I then sent 2 long texts that weren’t answered. A few hours later I sent another saying I wanted to call that night when I was calm. He initially said no because he'd given me the chance to say my piece but then agreed when I pointed out I was hardly rational then.

 

 

We talked on the phone for half an hour but went in circles. He said he hasn’t felt anything for me in a while which is difficult to believe given the way he acted when we were together and the things he said, right up until the day before I went away. I asked if it was down to my recent clingy behaviour and he said probably. I suggested slowing things down because maybe it had got too intense too fast. He almost came round to that idea then changed his mind. He said he wanted to be friends and he cared about me and was glad he met me. Texted that night to apologise for trying to change his mind, he said he hoped I was okay. Next day I replied to say I would be but I needed to remove him from facebook for a while because it was too difficult to see. He said he was deactivating it for a bit & was sad about the situation and what he’d done to me. Few hours later I realised I was blocked on instagram and texted to ask why. he answered, I texted back & he answered again, said again he wanted to be friends after some time & space but nothing else when I said I’d appreciate an in person conversation. 2 days later I texted again asking to meet (sent 2 texts, 1 asking & 1 apologising for asking again) his response was pretty angry. I texted back, got another angry response then said nothing. 4 days later I caved and texted him again to apologise for how I acted during the break up. He said there was no need to apologise and he was glad I was feeling better. I said there was because I had been clingy & needy & turned into a person I didn’t recognise. No answer. Next day I texted again asking if he’d be willing to talk, he asked what about. I said just to clear the air between us and no reply. I removed him from snapchat that night & facebook which he’d reactivated 3 days before. Been no contact since and on day 21 (1 month now since break up).

 

I am so damn embarrassed about how I've chased him & how needy I've acted because it's not me at all. I completely acted with my emotions & I don't even recognise the person who done all those things. I hate that I've basically turned into the crazy ex and have given him that impression of me.

 

I really don't know what happened because I'm not usually like that.

 

I felt so differently about this guy though, even if it had only been for a few months. I mean he was the first guy in years that I had let my guard down around. I really felt like we had something special. We moved too fast though and I screwed it up by being needy & clingy. I just cannot get over my embarrassment for that. Why didn't I just take a step back? Especially after he broke up with me. I'm struggling with the what ifs & all the things I should have done differently. Also just the memories and how good he was to me...

 

I really saw a future. I felt with him that everything was coming together and now just like that it's gone.

 

Sorry for this essay I just needed to put everything out there.

[Miss Clavel]

imo, this guy is f'ing crazy, stay the hell away from him.

 

hide in your house, preferably under the covers, maybe binge watch netflix till you get over the shame of having lowered yourself for a crazy person.

 

thank god you only wasted a few months on this jerk.

 

"my dog is sick". omg.

 

no wonder he got left in england. i'd leave his ass too, and so should you.

 

it bothers you because you think you can figure out what he's saying or doing, logically, but you can't, he's never the same three days running.

 

when someone tells you they haven't been with anyone for a long time, there's a reason.

 

good luck

[Kayley]

Do you really think so? I feel like I was the crazy one. I got soatupidlg clingy,texting again when I hadn't heard from him, worrying about why I hadn't heard from him. Going off on one over really stupid things.he was so good tom,always doing really nice wee things and I feel my clingness pushed him away. Like who continues to ask the guy who broke up with her via text to meet & talk, continues to phone when they've been hung up on&I sends more texts when they haven't been answered. Whether I was in shock or not. I'm really struggling to forgive myself for those things.

 

To be fair I think the dog was actually really sick. I know she was in the vets all week & I think she could have died but he didn't communicate any of this until after.

 

im just so confused. I thought by this point I'd be feeling better but Im still sad and confused.

[Kayley]

That should have said so stupidly clingy, daft phone

[BAcK]

Sometimes we get carried away. Normally after a BU we are emotionally messed up. We tend to be impulsive. Most of us have been through this. Acting needy, clingy and immature is not uncommon. This is because we do not want to lose the 'one'.

Even I have done it all for my ex gf. I wish i would have walked away without being so desperate but eventually what's done is done. We cannot undo it.

Atleast we tried to get them back. Don't be too harsh on yourself. Mistakes happen. Try to forget about it and learn from it. Say 'cheese'.

[salparadise]

Anxious + avoidant = not a match. Just let it go.

 

This one wasn't meant to be, as they say. Him needing to distance whenever something wasn't perfect (dog was sick?) was your clue. File that under lessons learned once. Don't steamroll the boundaries or crank up expectations. Just say what you feel in a way that can be easily heard and pay attention to what they do with it. Your feelings matter too.

[Kayley]

Trying really hard to tell myself that this one just wasn't meant to be.

 

It's so difficult though because things were so good before his dog got sick. We literally had this amazing weekend before then. He was so good to me and he seemed so happy that weekend I'm just completely confused about how things then went so wrong.

 

I just feel if I'd been calmer and we'd communicated better this could have been worked past. I know it can't now but damn it hurts.

[Satu]

Look up Natalie Lue, and read her work about *unavailability.*

 

You'll find some useful ideas there.

 

 

Take care.

[EmbarrassedToBeHere]

He texted back saying that might be for the best. I more or less begged over text then drove out there.

 

Girlfriend, I am saying this with the utmost love for you - DO NOT EVER DRIVE OVER TO A GUY'S HOUSE AFTER A FIGHT...

 

Do not ever do it!!! Unless he asks to talk in person, in which case I advise meeting in a neutral location, but do not ever drive to a guy's house out of anger, or fear... I am so sorry you're going through this...

 

I am so damn embarrassed about how I've chased him & how needy I've acted because it's not me at all. I completely acted with my emotions & I don't even recognise the person who done all those things. I hate that I've basically turned into the crazy ex and have given him that impression of me.

 

^^ You need a hobby, a friend, or a busy schedule to drown yourself in. I have two methods of coping - I either get very emotionally and I isolate myself, just going through the motions of my daily life, but keeping to myself so I can process everything or I get very hyper-focused and I drown myself in work - neither of which are probably particularly healthy, but it keeps me from chasing after the dude who broke my heart.

 

You're very young and I've been in your shoes. I only started respecting myself in my 30s. I have learned that if a guy doesn't want to be with you, find someone who does want to be with you. At the end of the day, you're the prize to be chased after and won, not the other way around.

 

Don't worry about what his impression of you is - he said he didn't want to be with you, so why do you care? You should only care about your impression of yourself at this point. Don't let this define you or control you.

Edited November 22, 2016 by EmbarrassedToBeHere
Needed to add a thought.

[Satu]

I suspect that his behaviour triggered a fear of abandonment in you, that caused you to 'age-regress.'

 

 

Fear of abandonment

 

"First off, just because someone has been abandoned at some point, it doesn't inevitably mean they'll come to have a morbid fear of abandonment later in life. I've known many people suffer awful and sudden abandonment and years of loneliness and still not have any real issues trusting or feeling secure in relationships. So there is no inevitability to it - we all respond differently to life.

 

Then again, some people who were never actually abandoned develop the fear; perhaps because they love so passionately, have never learnt emotional independence, or misuse their imagination to scare themselves. So if you have a fear of abandonment, it may stem from experiences you've actually had or it might simply be a fear of experiences you'd hate to have.

 

People who have an undue fear of abandonment are more likely to:

 

Be less likely to trust others.

Be cynical - "people always let you down in the end".

Feel anxious and insecure, looking for signs that abandonment is about to happen.

Behave in clingy or demanding ways which in itself can damage the very relationship they fear losing."

Source

 

 

Age Regression

 

"According to Sigmund Freud, regression is an unconscious defense mechanism, which causes the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development (instead of handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult manner). Regression is typical in normal childhood, and it can be caused by stress, by frustration, or by a traumatic event. Children usually manifest regressive behavior to communicate their distress. Addressing the underlying unmet need in the child usually corrects the regressive behavior.

 

Regression in adults can arise at any age; it entails retreating to an earlier developmental stage (emotionally, socially, or behaviorally). Insecurity, fear, and anger can cause an adult to regress. In essence, individuals revert to a point in their development when they felt safer and when stress was nonexistent, or when an all-powerful parent or another adult would have rescued them."

 

Source

 

 

Take care.

[VeveCakes]

Trying really hard to tell myself that this one just wasn't meant to be.

 

It's so difficult though because things were so good before his dog got sick. We literally had this amazing weekend before then. He was so good to me and he seemed so happy that weekend I'm just completely confused about how things then went so wrong.

 

I just feel if I'd been calmer and we'd communicated better this could have been worked past. I know it can't now but damn it hurts.

 

You should read my thread about my break up...it's very similar and my ex was also avoidant.

 

I don't think it is what you did but it's easy to see why you felt that way.

 

This is just what these people do. Act perfect then freak out and retreat when things get real.

 

Be glad it happened now and not a year from now. I know that isn't much consolation but there is truth to it.

 

I'm still reeling over my break up and it was 3 months ago. Hugs.

[Kayley]

Girlfriend, I am saying this with the utmost love for you - DO NOT EVER DRIVE OVER TO A GUY'S HOUSE AFTER A FIGHT...

 

Do not ever do it!!! Unless he asks to talk in person, in which case I advise meeting in a neutral location, but do not ever drive to a guy's house out of anger, or fear... I am so sorry you're going through this...

 

I let a friend talk me into it....it's not something I would ever usually do. I actually regretted it the moment I arrived. I always just want to fix things, I hate fighting but believe me I regret it. Maybe if I hadn't and had left him to cool off it'd have been okay. I hate fighting with anyone and just want to fix it, one of my problems.

 

We talked in his car, then took his dog for a walk. He seemed to be fine though. I mean he initiated me coming for the walk with them & he texted me when I was driving home.

[Kayley]

You should read my thread about my break up...it's very similar and my ex was also avoidant.

 

I don't think it is what you did but it's easy to see why you felt that way.

 

This is just what these people do. Act perfect then freak out and retreat when things get real.

 

Be glad it happened now and not a year from now. I know that isn't much consolation but there is truth to it.

 

I'm still reeling over my break up and it was 3 months ago. Hugs.

 

Going to look for your thread now, thank you

[EmbarrassedToBeHere]

Kayley,

 

How soon after the break up did you initiate No Contact? Was it the same night? Was it that week? How much did you try reaching out to him before you initiated no contact?

 

I was with my Ex (we'll call him Joseph) for a year and a half. I freaked out on him the way that you freaked out on your dude about 8 months in. I showed up to his house and he was livid (that's why I say do not ever do that, because I learned the hard way that it's no good and will never work in your favor).. and we had no contact for about three weeks before we tried to work things out. It became a pattern... and in the end, it didn't work. We no longer talk and haven't talked in months.

 

This may be the best for you for now..

 

I let a friend talk me into it....

 

This is a terrible friend... this is terrible advice... No offense.

[Kayley]

Kayley,

 

How soon after the break up did you initiate No Contact? Was it the same night? Was it that week? How much did you try reaching out to him before you initiated no contact?

 

I was with my Ex (we'll call him Joseph) for a year and a half. I freaked out on him the way that you freaked out on your dude about 8 months in. I showed up to his house and he was livid (that's why I say do not ever do that, because I learned the hard way that it's no good and will never work in your favor).. and we had no contact for about three weeks before we tried to work things out. It became a pattern... and in the end, it didn't work. We no longer talk and haven't talked in months.

 

This may be the best for you for now..

 

 

 

This is a terrible friend... this is terrible advice... No offense.

 

Too much crazy reaching out the day of the break up, a few texts the next day then again 2 days later. NC for 4 days then caved & messaged again. NC after that so 8 days after the break up. Reached out way more than I should have. I was completely acting with my emotions and I regret it so much.

 

I think a very misguided friend. She's engaged and been with her fiance since she was 17. It's something I would never have even thought to do before and I hate that I let her talk me into it but what's done is done. Thing is, he actually said that night that he understood why I had done it & said the same thing when we talked on the phone the night of the break up. I honestly don't know

[EmbarrassedToBeHere]

Thing is, he actually said that night that he understood why I had done it & said the same thing when we talked on the phone the night of the break up. I honestly don't know

 

I'm 32 - I've been dating since I was 16. I have learned in the last 16 years (yikes - I feel old) that guys will say anything to 1) avoid confrontation and 2) not make matters worse.

 

I'm sorry hun - this is for the best. You're very young, and you'll meet someone who won't trigger so many issues for you. I promise you, you'll feel better soon.

 

I was dating a guy during the summer who had a lot of his own issues. We dated for about three months (He was the first guy I had dated since my break up last year in November) and I thought things were going really well. He met my friends, I met his family and we were constantly spending the night with each other. We had a lot of future plans. The week after he met my friends, he grew distant and changed a lot towards me. One night, I was over at his house and he didn't even kiss me back when I kissed him. I asked him if everything was okay and he said he was fine, just didn't feel like kissing in that moment. I let it go and thought, okay cool no big deal. The following day, he texted me good morning and said "have a great day. I'll text you at lunch so we can figure out our weekend plans" His lunchtime text never came. A couple of hours later he texted me, saying "I don't want to date you anymore. It's been fun. Best of luck."

 

I was fuming but I didn't let my emotions get the best of me. I called a friend and we went to happy; I processed my feelings. That night, I sent him an email asking him if he got cold feet. Instead of replying, he unfriended me on facebook. After a weekend of no contact, he reached out to me and told me that he was ready to talk about his decision. He then proceeded to insult me and berate me and basically said the reason he didn't want to date me anymore is because he didn't find me interesting and there were far better things he wanted to do with his time than to continue to date m.

 

The reason I am sharing my example is because, I like you, was extremely hurt. But, I realized (and I want you to realize) that the underlying issue was more with him, and his commitment issues, and less with the fact that I didn't want the same tv shows he did (that was his reasoning for not finding me interesting). I let three weeks pass by, and then I tried texting him again. He was not only mean, but rude and equally as degrading. My point is - if someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your life will be much easier moving forward.

[Kayley]

Thank you for that. I'm really trying to see that it's not all my issue. I'm just brilliant at beating myself up! I'm often like this, I beat myself up about things for ages then one day I realise or my determination not to let it beat me sets in. I just wish that would set in now.

 

I absolutely do not expect to hear from him again. I'm trying to prepare myself to be NC indefinitely.

 

This is the first time I've ever been on this end of a break up. In fact it's the only break up that's ever really hurt because the last time I had been psyching myself up to leave for a long time. I suppose that I have at least learned how not to act next time.

[Kayley]

You should read my thread about my break up...it's very similar and my ex was also avoidant.

 

I don't think it is what you did but it's easy to see why you felt that way.

 

This is just what these people do. Act perfect then freak out and retreat when things get real.

 

Be glad it happened now and not a year from now. I know that isn't much consolation but there is truth to it.

 

I'm still reeling over my break up and it was 3 months ago. Hugs.

 

What's your thread called, so many threads I'm struggling to find it but I'd really like to read

[VeveCakes]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/592560-almost-ghosted-dumped-can-not-cope

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened. It sounds to me like he love-bombed you at first and then became less interested. I would not assume it was your behaviour that caused this. It may be a pattern of his - being really keen on someone then suddenly losing interest. He was making himself less available - which you noticed - and then blaming you for being concerned about it.

 

I am sure you can look back and find things you could have handled differently - we all can - all you can do is to learn from them. I think the most important thing to take away though is that if someone is seeming less interested in you, then leave them to it. Either they are interested but busy or are not that interested (in which case why bother making any effort for them?). Seriously, I feel he was just one of these short-term guys who can't sustain a relationship and will forever be non-committal. I bet if you ask around, you'll find that he has had a string of short relationships and he usually broke them off.

Edited November 22, 2016 by spiderowl

[Kayley]

Just using this thread to moan and put all my confused feelings out there. On my phone so daft autocorrect might mess up my spelling.

 

It's weird, night time when I'm lying in bed about to fall asleep seems to my best part of the day.its when I'm like you know what? I'm okay. I don't need to contact him if he doesn't contact me. I don't need any of this to make sense. The. When I wake up in the morning the feelings are back. Thoughts of how badly I want to talk to him, why I want to say/ask, beating myself up, missing him. It's weird how sleep makes my feelings 180 like that.

 

I'm on day 24 nc (I think). Not strictly counting but still have a fair idea. That's progress I suppose because I thought I would never get over counting the days rigidly.

 

There's just so much that doesn't make sense. I mean the long term plans he was making I can dismiss as him making promises he couldn't keep but other things confuse me. As much as he pulled back he had seemed to come round again when I was away for the weekend. He came to see me the night I got home & everything was fine. I was off work that week and he was saying he wished he wa diff so we could do some stuff before I went away.didnt see him the next day but chatted like totally normal. I texted to ask what he was doing the bet day but didn't answer until 7amthe next morning since he'd fallen asleep. I was asleep so didn't answer still I woke up by which point he had the plans mentioned in my OP. I wouldn't usually have made such a big deal but because I was going away I did. He was fine, his usual self till I started with the attitude then it all went downhill. It wasn't a big deal & I should have just said I'd see him when I got home instead of going off on one. Can't change it now but if I had this might not have happened.

 

It seemed fine though afterwards and I cannot understand why he texted me for days while I was away, booking things for when I got back (which I know he did because he even sent me the confirmation) only to end it. The hardest thing to understand is the text an hour before asking how I was & 2£/5 my plans for the day were....then to get the break up text an hour after. That first text would obviously indicate everything was fine....

 

So many unanswered questions and I don't do well with no answers. There's more I want to say but I need to work so I'll probably end up rambling at some other point

[Kayley]

It's so bloody hard knowing that we had plans for winter. Thinking of what should have been. I was doing so well today then I felt the stupid need to look on his instagram. He'd uploaded a new picture, it was just of the dog but god it's still got me. I just don't understand why we couldn't talk it through. It was a rough 2 weeks it wasn't that bad!

[BikerAccnt]

 

To be fair I think the dog was actually really sick. I know she was in the vets all week & I think she could have died but he didn't communicate any of this until after.

 

.

 

 

See, this is the problem right here. People just don't communicate. Too many people just shut down and shut others out when they are stressed. Then when they don't respond/call/text like they normally do, and you call them out or question them about it, you are the needy one.

 

Now I will admit, you did go overboard chasing after he said it's done, but questioning someone initially over a change in behavior, when they haven't bothered to explain why it's changed, I don't think is wrong.

 

I also think there are other often un-discussed relationship issues beyond the stated ones. In my opinion and experience, when people are really stressed and need support, they reach out, not hide behind a wall of silence.

[Cheryl11111111111111]

Who cares what he thinks of you. It doesn't matter. the truth is that you can claim back your life and while you do, the only way to look at it is, out there is on hold. The world goes on. Each day you spend making yourself a life, the world carries on. For each night you spend alone, many are out enjoying. It is one thing to think something of someone else and it is another to act on it. Both happen and in the end who cares what he thinks. he's one person on the planet and his judgments of you are not worth your time anymore. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you but if you can not make your life worth more then dwelling then you have a problem. I suggest to anyone struggling with being happy on their own to look at the situation much different. Look at it as "the world is on hold" and you believe me when you are ready, nothing changes. Every thing on the planet will be there when you are ready! yea, it's true. You can come back and a happier and stronger person and you will see that he is one person on the planet and his choices in life do not dictated your life. If he criminally hacked you then id consider charges but if he just mocked you and spoke illy of you then who cares!

[Kayley]

Yeah all I really got from him when the dog was sick was that she was still in the vet & they weren't sure what was wrong with her. Had he even said he wasn't up for talking I'd have got that but he just went from texting loads to being very quiet with no real explanation. I felt pushed out and confused.

 

I definitely did go overboard when he said it was done. I acted with my emotions and I'm really embarrassed. I wish I had said what I needed to say, then let it be. I feel like those actions pushed him even further away. Like I said, 8?3 never been on this end of a break up before and I freaked out. I hate that I can't have a calm conversation now, an apology for that behaviour.

 

Just for things to have gone from so good to that...it's so confusing & I don't do well with not understanding. I'm trying really hard but it keeps getting me.