Situation Escalating to Violence

[BrotherAaron]

Last night I was forced to witness an outdoor make-out session between my recently separated Ex (who I dated for 3 years) and the guy she cheated on me with/left me for.

 

When I say forced to, I mean I was simply standing outside my front door, which happens to face her room. Well, I calmly looked down and told them that they needed to keep that indoors. It isn't fair to be doing that stuff where I have to be, and therefore cannot avoid seeing. (It's disgusting, really... they have no right to be rubbing my nose in their pile of **** relationship). So her new (insanely jealous) boyfriend tells me "I'm sick of you talking ****!" and breaks into a full sprint towards the stairs. I looked at my ex and told her "You're new boyfriend's real cute. Real keeper," as he was climbing the stairs. One of my friends woke up from all the noise and basically told the dude that he was about to get himself broke in two.

 

How do I deal with a violent situation like this? I'm kind of stuck in the middle of it, until the second week of may when school gets out. I hate seeing my ex with him, and I've told them both so. I wanted things to be on good terms, but I made it clear to her last night that we cannot be on good terms when she is not only hurting me, but supporting an a**h*** that thinks it's OK to kiss her where I can see it while just sitting in my room and then come to try and hurt me in my own living space. She told me "You don't know what goes on in his head. He had a hard day" etc, whatever. I told her "his actions are innappropriate. If he can't control himself, he needs to see a doctor. I don't care what's going on in his head, i'm not his f*cking pyschologist. He needs to control himself or get help." I also told her that there aren't two sides of the story I need to hear; they have both done a lot to hurt me, and there is no justification for it, regardless of what her side of it may be.

 

I also told her, using examples of what she's done, that I never wanted to talk to her again because she has done way too much that hurt on a deep level. I regret being so mean, but really I was only blunt. I didn't say anything I don't mean, nothing that wasn't true, and nothing out of spite or pure emotion. She owes me some money that I need. Beyond that, I don't want anything from her. How can she support somebody who would threaten me violently after pretending to be my friend and then starting a relationship with my lover behind my back? I feel more betrayed than ever. I had never before seen them kiss. I know they do it, but I told them to keep it behind closed doors and show me a little respect. I already have to deal with seeing her go to his room, and come out in the morning. How do you get somebody out of your head if you can't even get them out of your sight? What do you do when somebody's getting violent because you make them insecure? I have every reason to beat his a$s, and I definitely have the right to defend myself... but it's not my thing.

 

They are making this into a very serious relationship already, which is stupid and I don't comprehend how they think that it will grow into anything healthy. They went from each telling me "it was a stupid mistake, and it was never meant to happen. it didn't mean anything. im sorry" and telling me that, above all, I don't deserve to see anything wrong and they wouldn't date this semester, etc blah blah. Well, I guess in their throws of passion they forgot I was still here. They're practically living together. She sleeps in his room every night - her excuse is that he got the deluxe room with the king bed and the posteurpedic matress... I guess I'd dump me for a posteurpedic mattress too. Meanwhile, he's ridiculously needy and uncontrollably jealous - especially of me, because she cries for me now that I wont take her back. She's too late, though, because she only wanted me back when she found out that I wasn't going to be her safety net while she went and hooked up with other people. And he's just a jackass if he thinks I would ever have second thoughts about hurting his feelings because I wanted my ex back. Forget that though. The best revenge at this point is to let him have her. This guy clearly doesn't deal with pain well, and my ex seems to only know how to end things in the most painful way possible. I'll be surprised if he doesn't commit suicide when he doesn't have her six months down the road.

 

Anyway, in spite of dealing with two-timing friends who support him, an ex who used me for a backup while she looked for someone new, and a friend who used his relationship with me to take the most important part of my life, I've been doing alright. I've been having mostly happy days lately, but this is just too much drama. I need a new way to deal with all of this being thrust in my face. I'm sick of living in an episode of The Real World. I just want to get on with my life. How do I make it clear that any interaction with me is innappropriate and will not be tolerated? If they are going to insist on being where I'll see them, they can keep things at an appropriate level and be fair to me.

At this point I'm envious of people who's worst problem is that they wish they knew what they're ex is up to, because I wish I didn't. This living situation sucks, but they knew the living situation when they started their little relationship, way back when she was still my girlfriend. I think I have every right to demand respect from them. If there were more than 4 weeks in school left, I'd file a restraining order against him. If it weren't for my friend, I would have had no choice but to defend myself - in my own room, no less!

[HokeyReligions]

First of all, what they do is absolutely none of your business. Secondly, You have no rights of any kind to interfere in any way with their lives.

 

You do not control or guide them, they do not have to behave in any way other than how they want to behave. They owe you nothing, and you own them nothing.

 

When you see them, turn around and walk away. Do not say anything to them. Keep your comments to yourself - you are inviting violence against you. You do not have the right to beat up anyone.

 

How can she support somebody who would threaten me violently after pretending to be my friend and then starting a relationship with my lover behind my back?

It doesn't matter. That is HER business, not yours.

 

When I say forced to, I mean I was simply standing outside my front door, which happens to face her room. Well, I calmly looked down and told them that they needed to keep that indoors. It isn't fair to be doing that stuff where I have to be, and therefore cannot avoid seeing.

No. You were not forced to. No one held you down, you could have, and should have, walked away.

You did not need to say anything ANYTHING to them at all---you initiated contact. It doesn't matter what tone of voice you used.

Not fair? What's not fair? That you were hurt? It's sad, and I'm sorry that you are hurting, but fairness has nothing to do with it.

 

How do I make it clear that any interaction with me is innappropriate and will not be tolerated? If they are going to insist on being where I'll see them, they can keep things at an appropriate level and be fair to me.

 

Stop initiating the interaction. Walk away. Unless someone is holding you down, you can walk away.

[sanne]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

First of all, what they do is absolutely none of your business. Secondly, You have no rights of any kind to interfere in any way with their lives.

 

You do not control or guide them, they do not have to behave in any way other than how they want to behave. They owe you nothing, and you own them nothing.

 

When you see them, turn around and walk away. Do not say anything to them. Keep your comments to yourself - you are inviting violence against you. You do not have the right to beat up anyone.

 

It doesn't matter. That is HER business, not yours.

 

 

No. You were not forced to. No one held you down, you could have, and should have, walked away.

You did not need to say anything ANYTHING to them at all---you initiated contact. It doesn't matter what tone of voice you used.

Not fair? What's not fair? That you were hurt? It's sad, and I'm sorry that you are hurting, but fairness has nothing to do with it.

 

Hey you freaking psycho, there's a little thing called DECENCY and RESPECT. After what she did to him, to parade her loser BF out and make out in front of him is totally unacceptable. How could you possibly stand up for this pathetic girl. I remember my own gf telling me not to try and make out with her at this one party that she thought her ex was going to because she didn't want to be disrespectful to him (they were broken up for 6 months too). What is wrong with the world today, people are just so vicious and mean to each other. Whenever I think about my situation and how it can't get any worse, I'm glad that my ex has respect for me and my feelings and hasn't done anything yet to hurt me like that. I'm sorry to hear your situation man, this really does suck, but once you are out of there man you will be truly free. You can rest assured knowing your ex will be miserable, that kind of rebound relationship will only end in more drama for her. I commend you for being incredibly strong and not kicking this guy's ass because I certainly would.

[simon_uk]

Originally posted by sanne

Hey you freaking psycho, there's a little thing called DECENCY and RESPECT. After what she did to him, to parade her loser BF out and make out in front of him is totally unacceptable. How could you possibly stand up for this pathetic girl. I remember my own gf telling me not to try and make out with her at this one party that she thought her ex was going to because she didn't want to be disrespectful to him (they were broken up for 6 months too). What is wrong with the world today, people are just so vicious and mean to each other. Whenever I think about my situation and how it can't get any worse, I'm glad that my ex has respect for me and my feelings and hasn't done anything yet to hurt me like that. I'm sorry to hear your situation man, this really does suck, but once you are out of there man you will be truly free. You can rest assured knowing your ex will be miserable, that kind of rebound relationship will only end in more drama for her. I commend you for being incredibly strong and not kicking this guy's ass because I certainly would.

 

Seconded Sanne! Thers nothing I could add that except sorry you are going through this Aaron, it kinda puts my problem into perspective. You are a very strong and brave individual.

 

Simon

[cubbbb]

I third that! What she is doing is unbelievably cruel. Just look at it like she is helping you to get past the grieving stage, and onto the "anger stage" much quicker. Her relationship looks like its going to come to a bad ending, and by then you will be over her totally, and you will look back having no idea how you could have once cared for her. You will find someone that has respect for your feelings whether you work out or not. Believe me, you'll be able to spot these type of women much easier in the future. I'm trying to end a relationship with a vengeful woman right now. She has the attitude of "Well he made me hurt, so I'm going to hurt him twice a bad. He's gonna FEEL THE PAIN!" Well she is succeeding...

[blind_otter]

sanne, simon....

 

that was out of line. he has no business doing anything. if they fight, both of them could go to jail. if he kept his mouth shut, neither of them would have an issue.

 

On edit - I ran into an ex once, out with his GF about 2 days after we broke up, and had to watch them hump each other on the dance floor. I just kept shaking my booty and THEY LEFT. end of story.

[cubbbb]

sanne, simon....

 

that was out of line. he has no business doing anything. if they fight, both of them could go to jail. if he kept his mouth shut, neither of them would have an issue. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Um, I think they were both giving him kudos for keeping his cool, and NOT resorting to violence.

[simon_uk]

Originally posted by cubbbb

 

Um, I think they were both giving him kudos for keeping his cool, and NOT resorting to violence.

 

I think you will find your assumptions correct cubbbb. Aaron asked them politely to not hurt his feelings. I personally would have smacked him in the eye. What Aaron did was very brave and very strong.

[BrotherAaron]

I don't have to keep my eyes shut and my mouth shut in the place that I live. My room is my sanctuary, and they have no need to be creating a stressful environment for me. I wasn't watching them... they walked into my line of sight and started kissing. Then he tried to attack me in my own home (even if my home is only a 15x15 room). By state law, I could have legally shot him. I'm not going to bend over and take it in the ass in the very place that I live and spend my time. They can just take their bull**** elsewhere.

 

I don't interfere in their lives. I've been ignoring her, and she's been calling me, and writing me, and coming by looking for me, telling my friends how much she misses me. Now she's mad, because I told her that she had her chance, and she's pulling this crap where she knows I'll be. I'm sorry, if a man brings your ex to your home to show you that he's with her and you aren't, he's inviting violence.

 

On that same note, I guess I'd be doing best just to fake a smile and get the hell out of there without telling them anything. It sucks to give someone the power to make the place you sleep into a place you can't even be.

[westernxer]

On that same note, I guess I'd be doing best just to fake a smile and get the hell out of there without telling them anything.

 

You got it. Will you be living there next year? Hopefully not.

[BrotherAaron]

No, it's 4 more weeks and I'm never looking back. I'll be home for the summer, and then I'm getting an apartment with my best friend. I don't have to put up with this much longer

[blind_otter]

Look, the best revenge you can have is to act like you don't give a sh*t. Look good, keep your head up, I'm not criticizing you.

[westernxer]

Hang in there, and do as blind_otter suggests. Just ignore them, hard as it may be.

[billybadass36]

Their actions are intended, at least in part, to elicit a reaction from you. Don't let them win. In an ideal world, the actions of an ex should have no impact on what you do from the day you broke up and on into the future. You've exhibited a significant degree of restraint that I no doubt wouldn't have. Just keep your head up and do the best you can to (at least outwardly) not let this bother you. Never let them see ya sweat, and don't give them the satisfaction of knowing that it's pissing you off. At least you know now that you're better off to be rid of her. Be glad that there's some other schmuck that's doomed to be cheated on and treated like $hit by this trollop.

 

But if this dude comes unhinged and comes at you despite your not giving them the satisfaction of the typical reaction that they're trying to get out of you (which he might do given this lates episode) and you know physical altercation is unavoidable, hit first and hit hard. Not politically expedient, but you have a right not to be assaulted in your own living space. Don't invite conflict, but don't run away from it either. Again, you showed a tremendous amount of restraint by not dotting his eyes already. Knowing myself, I'd have cold cocked him on the spot - but I'm an possessive, jealous, a**h*** meathead.

[tanbark813]

BrotherAaraon, while the situation you're in is undoubtedly painful, it's already been clearly established that neither one of them give a s*** about you. You can demand or expect respect all you want, but you know you won't get it from either of them. In the long run, you're better off just ignoring the whole thing altogether. Not an easy solution, of course, but the best one, all things considered.

[mixwell]

i agree with everyone else.. just ignore them.. Dont waste your time on that slut ex of yours.. (sorry but thats F ed whats shes doing to you) I cant believe that she would go to that extreme to hurt you. I think if you had the chance to hook up with some chick you should do it and try to let them see you.. haha I bet your ex would freak out.. So obviously your past the point of wanting her back I hope ? Just act like it doesnt bug you though.. Maybe even laugh if you walk by and say what a joke or something you know ? Let them know that it doesn't bother you at all.. Even though I know it probly kills you.. The only thing is I agree with Hokey that it isnt your business technically but your ex seems like she is trying to make it your business. I mean if they didnt intentionally try to make you see them it would be different but they are flaunting it in your face.. How do you keep from cracking this guys skull ?? I would be soo pist if my ex pulled this with me.. Id probly want to have some girl beat the shiz outta her.. haha anyways take care.. its only 4 more weeks !!

 

Peace

[moimeme]

Brother Aaron, Sanne, Simon, and Cubbb are beautiful examples of why there is so much violence in the world these days. They think they own the planet and all other humans must behave the way they expect them to demand or else they think they have a right to inflict violence.

 

I have business for you boys - you are dead wrong. Your 'rights' end at the end of your nose. Your 'rights' do not include any expectation you have about others' behaviour because that is about THEIR rights and not yours. Therefore you are not entitled to injure, insult, or in any other way assault another human being who isn't behaving the way you think she or he should.

 

And if you don't comprehend that and comprehend why it's right, then I predict long jail sentences - or worse - for the lot of you.

[mixwell]

moimeme what are you talking about ? I read the other post and it doesn't sound like they are saying to be violent or anything like that ? What are you reading that suggests they are saying to resort to violence ?? Unless I am tripping it sounds like they are just giving good advice !!!!

[BrotherAaron]

They're just in my way at this point.

 

When I'm having a good day, and I walk around the corner to them kissing, their in my way.

 

When I'm walking up the stairs and he's trying to stare me down and force me to push past him... he's in my way. And half of me thinks I'm stupid for not just hitting him and ending it right then.

 

When she comes around to my friends because he sent her to make sure that I'm not "talking ****", they're really in my way.

 

And when he is sprinting across the courtyard and up two flight of stairs, he's not just in my way. He is a threat to my health

 

I'm not interfering with anyone anymore. I'm being interfered with. I've been leaving them alone. They have not been leaving me alone

[moimeme]

moimeme what are you talking about ? I read the other post and it doesn't sound like they are saying to be violent or anything like that ? What are you reading that suggests they are saying to resort to violence ?? Unless I am tripping it sounds like they are just giving good advice !!!!

 

I commend you for being incredibly strong and not kicking this guy's ass because I certainly would.

sanne

 

I personally would have smacked him in the eye

simon_uk

 

Actually cubbbbbb just agreed with these two but perhaps doesn't advocate violence.

 

and I walk around the corner to them kissing, their in my way

.

 

So apparently you own all the land in the city and get to dictate who stands where.

 

When I'm walking up the stairs and he's trying to stare me down and force me to push past him... he's in my way. And half of me thinks I'm stupid for not just hitting him and ending it right then.

 

He was doing that after you made cracks in their direction.

 

And when he is sprinting across the courtyard and up two flight of stairs, he's not just in my way. He is a threat to my health

 

Again, if you hadn't decided to watch what they were doing and remark upon it, you would not have pushed his buttons. You are not the wounded party here; you were the instigator.

[sanne]

look nobody here is actually really condoning violence, i don't think anyone of us would actually get in a fight over this. If I were BrotherAaron i'd be so disgusted with this person that I wouldn't give them the time of day. But still, they both deserve a good ass-whooping if you ask me. There is no reason why she has to do this to the poor guy, he did nothing to her and all he wants is to be left alone. Women can be so cruel sometimes.

[BrotherAaron]

No this behavior from him wasn't caused by my comment... this has been ongoing since the first time he kissed my girlfriend. While she was still my girlfriend.

 

He's been a jealous prick. At first, he was scared. When I didn't beat his ass like I SHOULD have, he started to think that meant I was afraid of him, and since then he's been doin ****. And when I couldn't be friends with my ex because she didn't seem to give a crap that she cheated and whatnot, she ran to him first. It was only after being instigated to the point that I couldn't really keep quiet that I said something. He took it as a challenge, finally an answer to his violent wish, and started litterally running to come fight me.

 

Well, if my comment was out of line, then his actions were even more so. I can stand on my doorstep and say whatever I want and he still has no right to start coming after me. I wasn't threatening, accusing, or demeaning.

 

Besides - even if they have some percieved right to make out when they know I'm watching - why should I bend over and take it? I have an equal right to tell her that it's bothering me, since she felt the need to keep contact with me it wasn't like I was talking to a stranger. In fact, when someone's doing something that bothers you to a point where you can't ignore it, there's nothing wrong with saying something. When it comes down to it, I did nothing hurtful to either of them, and I saw no reason why they wouldn't grant me the decency to have their little ongoing affair behind closed doors - or at least not outside me window. You'll never get anything you want from people if you don't ask, right? A man's gotta stick up for himself. I really don't know what else to do. It's a little too hard to ignore something when you'd see it even if you weren't looking.

 

As for their rights... f*** their rights. You don't have a right to be emotionally abusive. What's the point of doing something just to piss another person off? Where in your moral code does that right appear?

[moimeme]

What's the point of doing something just to piss another person off?

 

Different people have different points of ignition. People try to tick me off. It usually fails utterly. If you don't rise to the bait, nobody can push your buttons. So don't let them get to you. They're not worth it. Don't give them the satisfaction.

[mixwell]

yeah i think your ex loses in the long run.. Once she knows her and this douche bag aren't getting to you then she knows she lost her power. When there pathetic relationship ends she will realize how good she had it with you.. Dont even waste energy on them.. Just ignore the crap out of them as if they werent even there..

 

Or you could just beat the shiz outta him for being a little bltch.. haha j/k moimeme

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

As for their rights... f*** their rights. You don't have a right to be emotionally abusive. What's the point of doing something just to piss another person off? Where in your moral code does that right appear?

 

It's not about any one person's moral code -- if you hit him, in a public area that is not your space, and he did nothing to incite the violence other than kiss your exGF, he has the right to file an assault charge against you, and I doubt a judge would be like, oh he was making out with your ex in a public place, well that's a justified physical act of violence!

 

Just let it go. People are a**h***s sometimes. What can you do?