How can I move past it all ?

[negritaultra]

where to even start ? it's pretty lengthy by the way sorry

 

i came on here because i really don't have anyone to talk to about it because , i feel like most people would not understand at all . i was in a long distance relationship for 4 years , with the intent to move and permanently be together but there were a few setbacks . My girlfriend is much younger than me for starters , She is 22 and i am 28 so naturally i was looking for long term commitment and wanted to ultimately marry her . Throughout the relationship she got cold feet and often would drift away , i am not sure it had so much to do with age or just the distance . i live in NC and she lives in DE . I knew going in that long distance relationships are indeed challenging but i wanted to make it work because i loved her so much and i felt like she was truly my best friend . We broke up 2-3 times before this last and final breakup , but we always came back to each other . We broke up briefly in October of 2015 and didn't talk much for those 2 months , but she reached out to me and we reconciled . Everything was good , we weren't arguing and we're communicating really well . She even got me a ring for my birthday and made me a promise that we would be together ..... i had lost my job so that set me back from getting things together to finally make the big move . I was really depressed by it and felt bad that she was helping me do so much . Finally back in August of this year 2016 she said that she didn't want to do long distance anymore and I was so devastated . I cried and cried, couldn't eat couldn't do anything , i automatically assumed there was someone else . We did NC for about a week and a half . She reached out to me again to say that she hoped that we could be friends still (big mistake ) . I was still emotionally attached and very much in love but foolishly i agreed to try to be her friend . We were still flirting a lot and still very sexually attracted to one another and everything was cool .

 

 

 

 

I started being nosey and snooping , to see if there was someone else which there was , found out through instagram by checking her recent follows . Then out of the blue she unfriended me on there . I was so mad and was wondering what she might have to hide because she rarely posted on there anyways . So , mistake number two happens , my curiousity got the best of me and i followed the new girl on snapchat , just to see my competition . It's wrong but i didn't feel like she was better than me in any way . A few weeks pass and my ex girlfriend texts me really mad asking me why i followed the girl . and i honestly don't know why i did , I should've left it alone and let it be .

 

 

On snapchat she posts the girl on her snap saying cute things and i just lose it . I go on a rampage because i'm livid at this point , she lied and said it wasn't someone else and now i'm just thinking she probably broke up with me because she's been in limbo with this other girl the whole time she was deciding to break up .

 

 

I did something really stupid and confronted the other woman , called her ugly and all types of names . My ex wants nothing to do with me now and i can understand why , i'm just really remorseful but at the same time ...she put me through so much and i gave her so many chances ... but she will not forgive me for the mistake that i made , she's acting like she's such a saint now and that i'm an evil person , and i'm not i just let anger get the best of me . i apologized to the other girl and tried to make amends with my ex , but she blocked me on everything

 

 

 

i miss her. and even with all the bad i still love her for her ....

she's been saying mean things about me on social media or , anything pertaining to an ex she comments on , what does it mean ? does she hate me ? how can i let it go ? will she ever speak to me again ?

[negritaultra]

forgot to mention that i am keeping my distance and sticking with no contact because of the nature of what i did , we haven't said a word to each other in three weeks , it will be a month soon . i know right now she still probably associates me with negativity so i'm not trying to push her any further away .

[negritaultra]

sure wish someone could offer some type of insight ??? .... anything .

[DarrenB]

The entire situation is completely dysfunctional. She's done things to provoke and upset you, you have done the same to her. You hadn't handled multiple predicaments correctly and that resulted in you distancing her from further reconciliation in future.

 

Acknowledge your mistakes, feel remorse, feel grief, feel anything. But think of it for yourself, don't think of it for her. I suggest you give my own problematic thread a good read, because I feel there's alot of similarities.

 

As humans, we all react differently to different situations, and we act differently over time. It's clear she has been giving you opportunities, likewise you with her, but the inevitable has happened and that conclusion which you need to understand is that there was no reconciliation to even bother from your first original breakup. I believe that change in a person can happen, and if given another opportunity in a R/S then it can work out for the better and progress more than it previously did, but from what you're saying I can only assume that you both aren't compatible for each other, anymore. You've both distanced yourself, and she's taken the mature route to block you out completely. Now, I know all about being curious and having a constant anxiety as to why they would do such a thing, but they do it because they have to. What's the point in continuing to pursue something that is obsolete and won't work out in the end? you're just causing each other more grief and more stress, and more whatever else. It just isn't healthy.

 

It's incredibly common to love and miss someone after a bad breakup or multiple mishaps, it's just the way the mind and heart works. But, I'm afraid you're going to have to prepare for the worst; she may not come back at all. There is a possibility she might after time, but there's no point in waiting for something that will not return. You are not making any progression and you're dwelling on the past and present. You need to look into the future, a future probably without her in it.

[negritaultra]

yeah i know that you're right . I just hate that there's no real accountability on her end . I know what i did was wrong but it's almost like she doesn't feel bad for anything that she has done to me . Or even considered that she pushed me to this point . I blame myself for continuing to give it another chance because i was so in love .I like to look for the best in people no matter what so when she came back i took it as she was actively trying to change . I don't understand why she would give me a ring , build me up and then just throw it all away again .

 

 

i'm not sure that she will ever come back either . She rebounded pretty quickly and likes to post about how happy she is on social media . But when the subject of an ex comes up she tends to wallow in it , even though she's said she's moved on . I don't know if that means anything . I think i'm just so shocked because i gave her so many chances and did right by her but this one mistake is not forgivable in her eyes

[cucumber95]

I know what i did was wrong but it's almost like she doesn't feel bad for anything that she has done to me

 

Same happend with my ex, she blamed me for everything I did, but she knew that I did what I did because of her actions (what she has done before to me) and later told me that what she did was normal and not bad :/

 

When I had chance to break up with her I did not because as you stated above "I like to look for the best in people no matter what".

 

Just let go mate, it is hard, I still think about my ex after 2 months, but what we can do? we can only learn from this. Look in future how DarrenB told you.

[negritaultra]

i'm trying my hardest . i have deleted all our photos together , and her number but it's still on my mind on a daily basis , which after awhile gets pretty exhausting . I was stalking her twitter from my friend's account until i realized how pathetic it was . So i deleted the app off of my phone until i'm healed enough to be unaffected by whatever she may say about me . i know it only makes things worse when you keep looking because you'll take literally everything the wrong way . i have been NC for 3 almost 4 weeks now ...some days i am really angry but other days i miss her terribly ... just going through the motions you know ?

 

 

I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing i'm still hurting because the last time we spoke , i begged (stupid i know ) for her to not go . i don't know if it's because she is younger or if it's just because she's a narcissist but she really doesn't seem to feel too bad about anything she's done . not the lying , cheating or manipulation . It's a deflected on me ... I'm the bad guy here ... despite everything she did because i finally reacted in a negative way ... i'm deadweight and toxic .

Edited November 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[negritaultra]

i REALY wish that i would not have allowed her to control my emotions like that , but i can't take it back now . I feel very foolish that i fed her ego and made myself look so helpless , I guess that may be my biggest regret in all of this . Not having that self control , that's not who i am and i let that resentment drive me crazy until it erupted . that abandonment , making me feel like okay .. this is really going to work and then hanging me out to dry .

[cucumber95]

I think about my ex everyday as well, morning, night :/ I hate it. and when I think that she just forgot about me, makes me sad.

 

Try to not think about her, or if you start thinking about her, then start to think about future with somebody else, that you going to find somebody who will love you for who you are.

[negritaultra]

thank you . I have always enjoyed working out but I'm a gym rat now . I spend a lot of time there because i was already battling some depression and this really added to that , didn't eat for 2 weeks , sleeping was so out of wack . I try to keep myself occupied as often as i can but you can't be busy 24-7 ... and during idle times is when it becomes most painful . i know at this point in our lives we are just not right for one another but i do miss my friendship with her . We both still have growing to do and i realize that . I have been praying for peace . I don't want to hold onto the possibility of her ever returning because there's a very good chance that she will not . I know it takes time to move forward but I wish that time for me was now . She's seeing someone else and living life and i'm still stuck where she left me and that makes me so mad /sad .

[negritaultra]

what classifies as a rebound in your opinion ? and in your opinion after a long term break up whether you were the dumper or dumpee, did the relationship following that last very long ?

[marky00]

Just going to reply to thread title.

 

 

You can't just move past it so to speak.

 

 

Initially, you have to learn to function and co-exist with the negative feelings from the past.

 

 

Its an internal struggle that can go on for a long time but at some point you will get sick of the struggle and you start to let a few things go.

[negritaultra]

Just going to reply to thread title.

 

 

You can't just move past it so to speak.

 

 

Initially, you have to learn to function and co-exist with the negative feelings from the past.

 

 

Its an internal struggle that can go on for a long time but at some point you will get sick of the struggle and you start to let a few things go.

 

this is important and very true . i think i have let go of the possibility of being together since we are so far away . I just don't like that she now carries a grudge . if that makes sense . I can't control people's feelings but i do wish that she didn't hate me so much

[marky00]

usually a rebound is where its a short-term relationship designed to get over the previous LTR or return to the LTR (reconciliation).

 

 

it's as simple as that really.

[cucumber95]

I know your feeling, my ex hates me as well, I don't really know why, but it would be so much better if she did not hate me, I have so many feelings about her, like before me she used to miss guy which she seen only once (but chatted with him), but she forgot about me... how and why? but really? what it will change if she hates or not? the person you loved, doesn't exist more. Just focus on yourself, start loving yourself, because you are not going to love yourself, but people go away no matter what you do.

[negritaultra]

I know your feeling, my ex hates me as well, I don't really know why, but it would be so much better if she did not hate me, I have so many feelings about her, like before me she used to miss guy which she seen only once (but chatted with him), but she forgot about me... how and why? but really? what it will change if she hates or not? the person you loved, doesn't exist more. Just focus on yourself, start loving yourself, because you are not going to love yourself, but people go away no matter what you do.

 

yes people come and go , i want to be numb . I know there is greater coming for me and my life but it's just like being the last person to leave the party lol .

[negritaultra]

would you say when people don't deal with their emotions or themselves ... after the initial honeymoon phase those issues they haven't really dealt with start to resurface ?

[carhill]

OP, one way to drill it down is to describe how a rebound relationship works for you. How you have reflected on those relationships you've had which ended up clearly being rebounds. What information and insight did you glean from them?

 

In general, we're all individuals and we each conduct relationships individually. Further, we can't read anyone's mind so have no idea what they're thinking, feeling or experiencing. We can guess, sure.

 

Back when I was married and we were split up and divorcing, I would have classified a rebound relationship for myself to be one predicated on superficial qualities and attractions rather than my usual style of slow and deliberate getting to know someone and growing intimacy over time and with earned trust. That doesn't apply to anyone but myself.

 

I did date while separated but found the whole process to not speak to me in a meaningful way so entered into no relationships since. No interest. My exW, OTOH, moved her BF in as soon as her house was finished long before we were officially divorced. She had a completely different style and that works for her. They remained together for a number of years and may still be together for all I know. Each of us is different.

[negritaultra]

OP, one way to drill it down is to describe how a rebound relationship works for you. How you have reflected on those relationships you've had which ended up clearly being rebounds. What information and insight did you glean from them?

 

In general, we're all individuals and we each conduct relationships individually. Further, we can't read anyone's mind so have no idea what they're thinking, feeling or experiencing. We can guess, sure.

 

Back when I was married and we were split up and divorcing, I would have classified a rebound relationship for myself to be one predicated on superficial qualities and attractions rather than my usual style of slow and deliberate getting to know someone and growing intimacy over time and with earned trust. That doesn't apply to anyone but myself.

 

I did date while separated but found the whole process to not speak to me in a meaningful way so entered into no relationships since. No interest. My exW, OTOH, moved her BF in as soon as her house was finished long before we were officially divorced. She had a completely different style and that works for her. They remained together for a number of years and may still be together for all I know. Each of us is different.

 

good insight and response , i never thought of it this way but that makes a lot of sense . we all do cope and try to move on differently

[negritaultra]

and now i just wanna punch myself in the face ?

[BC1980]

Been there and done that. What happened?

[VienneseCoffee]

lol - I know the feeling. I am not going back there anymore... :-P

[negritaultra]

Been there and done that. What happened?

 

i was left on read ??? it wasn't contact that had any trigger words though , no i miss you or i love you . I was genuinely just happy that my ex had gotten a new job and wanted to let it be known that i was happy for them . They have been at a job they absolutely hated for 3 years now and finally got a new job . i had been praying for them and when i saw they had gotten the job i was really happy but unfortunately they didn't see it as that , didn't even say thank you lol i'm crushed but it's my own fault shouldn't have given in

[negritaultra]

i think the most malicious thoughts about my ex and i really get super angry . It bothers me that i care so much and i want to stop but it's easier said than done. I may need therapy.

Edited November 16, 2016 by negritaultra