blue260 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Sooo my boyfriend of two years and i just broke up. I am so upset and hurt that I don't know what to do and i just moved from where I had been living and feel lost without my support network here. I feel really betrayed and worthless. Can anyone tell me what they get from this situation? My boyfriend and I were both in our masters program while we were dating. For the first year we had very few problems and decided to move in together. I have a small 12lbs dog that I had adopted from a rescue when we first started dating. He wanted to get a dog too one day, but consistently told me that he wasn't ready. So we moved in together and lived together for two months and we had our tension at times during the transition, but all in all it went pretty well. Two months in his mom (who lived five miles from us) out of the blue put a deposit down on a puppy and called my BF to tell him she had payed for a puppy for him. He was really excited, but my immediate reaction was 1. He had told me that he wasn't ready 2. He did not discuss it with me at all, despite the fact that we lived together and had another dog 3. Why is his mom making huge life choices for him? I raised my concerns and he got extremely angry with me, so I devoted my effort to trying to be excited for him and helpful. We picked up the puppy a month later and the first month was alright, but by month two, puppy was already twice the size of my small dog. Every day I would come home and my dog would be covered in bloody bites and scratches. One weekend, three months in, we went out of town and when we came back we picked up the dogs and brought them home. I was petting my small dog when I realized he had blood and pus matted in his fur. Upon further inspection, he had bite marks that showed that the puppy had bit around his entire neck. I brought him to the vet and dealt with the wound, but decided to separate the dogs entirely. So, at this point, we literally had a barricade in the center of the house and one of the dogs was always alone on one side. One day, not long after, the dogs got out together, (puppy is 45lbs at this point) and the puppy raced over to my dog and grabbed his harness and started shaking him. We immediately separated them. Thank god she bit his harness and not him. Both dogs went through training and we consulted with the trainer who said that they would not be safe to live together. We continued living in the separated house for another month until we graduated and then I moved out because it wasn't fair for the dogs to live like this and I was full of anger and resentment towards my BF. We continued our relationship at long distance and really missed each other. I came back to visit my BF and basically told him that I couldn't do it anymore and that I love dogs, but this situation was not working and that it was me or the puppy. He claimed that he loved me so much, but in the end chose the puppy that his mom adopted and told me that he was so sorry, but couldn't possibly rehome her (even though she is a popular breed and still young and we knew a nice family who would give her a good home). I feel like our whole relationship was a lie. That he never loved me like he said he did. That he would never actually make sacrifices for me. Ive never felt so worthless and alone. I blame him and his mom for this entire thing. He should never have adopted this dog. He should have gotten rid of her early when it was clear it wouldn't work. He should have chosen me The worst part is, he is a total mamas boy and I think more than anything he just doesn't want to upset his mom or prove his dad right (who said it was a mistake for him to get the dog). I feel like my heart is completely broken. I don't know what to do. Im questioning our whole relationship and even myself. I feel so angry at him for doing this to me. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 I have a feeling this wasn't all about the dogs. Were you having other problems in the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. But, this was a blessing in disguise. A man who chooses his mother's feelings over his SO is not a good partner. His mother sounds like a controlling, no-boundaries type of person, and he seems to have no problem with this. This would lead to a lifetime of stress for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue260 Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 I have a feeling this wasn't all about the dogs. Were you having other problems in the relationship? We had our issues for sure, but it was things that we were able to work on together. The dog issue caused a ton of fights and anger and resentment and I think it just kind of spiraled out of control. We no longer spoke about any of the other problems we ever had. It became all about this one problem. :/ I really believe that we could have worked through the other issues, if not for this. Before the second dog, we were talking about moving to another city together and about maybe getting engaged, etc. But that all ended once the new dog attacked my dog for the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue260 Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. But, this was a blessing in disguise. A man who chooses his mother's feelings over his SO is not a good partner. His mother sounds like a controlling, no-boundaries type of person, and he seems to have no problem with this. This would lead to a lifetime of stress for you. Thank you! and you're probably right. Im just alone in this new city that I thought he would be with me in and I feel so alone. I need the outside perspective, for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Sounds like there were some barriers you both put up in addition to the external factors contriving against you. Both of you are transitioning to a new phase of your lives and some choices were made to make staying together difficult. When you gave him an ultimatum, you gave him a choice in a corner. While his mother may have contributed, he, as an adult, chose his dog. This was the first sign it wasn't going to work. You are 100% correct, that means he wasn't willing to compromise and may have objected to future compromises. No, your relationship wasnt a sham and you don't need to question yourself, him, or the relationship. It just ran its course and the dog situation was just the pin drop needed for him and you to realize something had to give. You gave him a choice, you must accept the consequence and someday accept that meant it wasn't meant to last. Which is okay. Good luck in your new city! Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Another vote to not overthink this relationship and it ending. You're both still very young w/your whole lives in front of you. Young relationships like this rarely survive through people's 20's. People change and as it was mentioned, these relationships simply run their course w/someone ending it. There's no easy way to navigate through the pain you're feeling. You simply have to power through them. Read the NC thread as folks who practice it as early as possible after a breakup feel better the fastest. You may consider moving back to where your family/friends and supports is. It would also allow you to get away from the area where he is. Stay strong. You will get through this like the millions of others have. Link to post Share on other sites
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