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9 Years and waiting


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 11th September 2016, 3:51 PM   #1
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9 Years and waiting

I need some very unbiased advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 9 years. It's been an off/on again relationship. There have been several reasons for breaking up which include "he needs time from his divorce", "he doesn't want to be a father figure to my kids", "this just isn't going anywhere for me" (But all the reasons have a similar theme). I've done most of the breaking up for those reasons.

Our longest breakup was about a year. When we talked, we realized that not a day went by that we didn't cross each others minds. He said he'd like to be engaged within a year. That was 4 years ago. We broke up again a year and a half ago and got back together last November with the understanding he was ready to pick out rings. He asked if I wanted to be part of that. I said no. If he was committed enough, he'd do it himself.

Almost a year later, nothing has changed. He still does not bring "us" up at all. Ever.

He has a son and doesn't want to make him feel uncomfortable which is why in the past 9 years, we have NEVER gotten in the same vehicle to go anywhere as a "family". We hardly ever get together at all except his son's birthday. His son will refuse to come over my house on any occasion.

My kids are mid teens, driving, working and on the go all the time. Now I have had more free time, he doesn't even invite me to join him and his son on day trips/events (like his sons school plays, etc).

At this moment, I'm feeling so lost as to what to do. We promised that we'd not break up again because every time we do, we think about each other all the time. But I don't feel as though love is enough when one person in the relationship is constantly waiting for the other to be available. He works 50+ hours a week and has his son 2 nights a week and every other weekend. We don't communicate because he claims to be an introvert and can't say what he's thinking. But even when I "pull" it out of him, he says he hasn't even thought of (whatever it is I bring up about a future marriage, where we would live, etc...)

Sorry this is so long but I'm so confused and need help is figuring out if this guy is ever going to change or should I finally just be done!

Thanks.
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Old 11th September 2016, 3:55 PM   #2
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OP, I am sorry you're going through this.

No, he isn't going to change. He has shown that he is incapable of making a commitment and sticking to it.

Some promises are best broken. It's time to end this, and go straight to no contact. You'll be on each other minds, but it must be done.

It's time to finally be done.

I feel for you. Take care. Hugs and love.
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Old 11th September 2016, 3:56 PM   #3
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You need to completely break up with him and go 100% No Contact.

Of course you still think about each other - because you keep re-opening the door and accepting his breadcrumbs.

But NINE YEARS of push/pull and not being accepted as "family"?!? That is unconscionable.

He has you on a leash and doesn't need to buy you a ring or do anything. You have already proven you are a doormat for him that he can walk all over. Stop being a doormat and close the door permanently. There are a ton of guys out there that would like to date you for real and treat you infinitely better.
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Old 11th September 2016, 4:06 PM   #4
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First off, Thanks for the quick replies.

Secondly, Here I am starting to get defensive...like he's not a scum kind of guy...He has a great job, owns a home, pays his bills, etc.. He has treated me politely, never raises his voice (probably because he's an introvert and doesn't want confrontation)

Regardless, I know I'm worth much more than he's giving me. We don't have much "invested" in this relationship other than our time, thankfully. But part of me wonders if I should work through this "hard time" because relationships are hard work. But the other side of me thinks I'm the one putting in the effort.

I'm pissed off and he knows it. Today, he asked me to go to lunch with him (at 3:00). I told him I eat lunch at lunch time. So he left to do his own thing. And I'm posting here. Ugh!

Again, thanks for the replies. I need to stand my ground.
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Old 11th September 2016, 4:11 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SingleMomof2teens View Post
he's not a scum kind of guy...He has a great job, owns a home, pays his bills, etc.. He has treated me politely, never raises his voice (probably because he's an introvert and doesn't want confrontation)
So?

He can be a great guy (does owning a home make someone acceptable!?!?) and still not be the right person for you.

It is obvious he is not giving you what you would like, so why invest more time into something that you haven't gotten in the previous nine years?
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Old 11th September 2016, 4:14 PM   #6
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Fellow forum member Satu has said something that really resonated with me.

It was something like, "Be with someone who doesn't need time to think about whether or not they want to be with you."

OP, be with someone who doesn't need to take nine years to decide they want to be with you (and nowhere NEAR that long, of course).


Regardless, I know I'm worth much more than he's giving me.


I'm so glad you've acknowledged this. Believe it. Live it.
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Old 11th September 2016, 4:17 PM   #7
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Very true and I agree.
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Old 11th September 2016, 7:50 PM   #8
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How much time exactly does he spend with you? Could he have a different relationship on the go, maybe even a marriage? I feel that he is not accepting you into his life fully and you are right to question this.

He won't show his son you matter to him. Well, introducing a new partner into a relationship needs to be a very careful process at first, but nine years later it is a big red flag. It is as though he wants the comforts of a relationship but not to acknowledge it. This is what makes me wonder if he hasn't got another on the go. He works long hours. That's a good excuse to cover up a multitude of sins.

Regardless of whether he is involved in another relationship or not, he is not fully with you and I think it is right that you question his motives and commitment. He knows what you want by now and he is not providing it. It could be resentment at being pushed, but quite honestly it makes no difference, he is ignoring your needs. This can make you feel rubbish, even though in other respects he may show his love. I've been there. I can see why you've broken up several times. If you do it again, make sure you want to keep to it or he'll never take you seriously. He is taking advantage of your good nature and doing just as he pleases. Not thinking about what matters most to you is a sign of selfishness.
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Last edited by spiderowl; 11th September 2016 at 7:53 PM..
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Old 11th September 2016, 8:43 PM   #9
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He's not going to marry you, OP.

If you would like marriage, you're wasting your time with him.
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Old 11th September 2016, 8:54 PM   #10
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Unhappy

I know exactly how you feel and am in a very similar situation.

Nice guy, kind, sharing, responsible, supportive. On and on, all good qualities. Except in 10 years he hasn't made a commitment. I don't even want marriage but I do expect more than nothing.

I cut him off 2 days ago. I told him I would unless he opened a discussion or at least stopped ignorning me when I tried to talk to him about it. Nothing. He had time to go on a walk with his hiking group, but not to talk to me, his partner about our relationship.

I know it hurts. I'm hurting myself. I don't know what to say because whatever I say to you, I have to abide by myself.

I expect you're a lovely person. I'm sure you deserve more. These are selfish men, for all their other good qualities.
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Old 11th September 2016, 8:57 PM   #11
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"How much time exactly does he spend with you? Could he have a different relationship on the go, maybe even a marriage? "

For example... This week he has night meetings Wed/Thur and his son on Tues/Fri/Sat.

I am busy tomorrow night...So, I'm not going to see him this week (until Sunday)

No, he doesn't have someone on the side. I know that his personality wouldn't be able to handle a second relationship. He's married to work.

I do question how much his ex-wife plays a part in his decisions.
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Old 11th September 2016, 9:10 PM   #12
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He's not going to marry you. And even if he did marry you, the communication problems would make for a very poor marriage.

You talk about relationships being hard work. But the thing is, a good relationship ISN'T hard work. Yes, you may get snappy now and then and have to figure out misunderstandings and compromise on stuff. But it's not difficult to keep a good relationship healthy.

In response to his claims of introversion causing him to not communicate. Being introverted means that a person needs down time to recover from social activities. It doesn't mean that they can't communicate. Your guy is just refusing to let you in.

Frankly, I don't know how you are still with him.
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Old 11th September 2016, 9:24 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SingleMomof2teens View Post
I need some very unbiased advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 9 years. It's been an off/on again relationship. There have been several reasons for breaking up which include "he needs time from his divorce", "he doesn't want to be a father figure to my kids", "this just isn't going anywhere for me" (But all the reasons have a similar theme). I've done most of the breaking up for those reasons.

Our longest breakup was about a year. When we talked, we realized that not a day went by that we didn't cross each others minds. He said he'd like to be engaged within a year. That was 4 years ago. We broke up again a year and a half ago and got back together last November with the understanding he was ready to pick out rings. He asked if I wanted to be part of that. I said no. If he was committed enough, he'd do it himself.

Almost a year later, nothing has changed. He still does not bring "us" up at all. Ever.

He has a son and doesn't want to make him feel uncomfortable which is why in the past 9 years, we have NEVER gotten in the same vehicle to go anywhere as a "family". We hardly ever get together at all except his son's birthday. His son will refuse to come over my house on any occasion.

My kids are mid teens, driving, working and on the go all the time. Now I have had more free time, he doesn't even invite me to join him and his son on day trips/events (like his sons school plays, etc).

At this moment, I'm feeling so lost as to what to do. We promised that we'd not break up again because every time we do, we think about each other all the time. But I don't feel as though love is enough when one person in the relationship is constantly waiting for the other to be available. He works 50+ hours a week and has his son 2 nights a week and every other weekend. We don't communicate because he claims to be an introvert and can't say what he's thinking. But even when I "pull" it out of him, he says he hasn't even thought of (whatever it is I bring up about a future marriage, where we would live, etc...)

Sorry this is so long but I'm so confused and need help is figuring out if this guy is ever going to change or should I finally just be done!

Thanks.
You've waited 9 years for HIM to change. You can't control what he does or whether he changes . . . what you can do is change YOU. Start with the realization that you may or may not have another 9 years to waste on a unfulfilling relationship. And, the real question is not whether you actually have another 9 years, the question is why do you want to wait even another minute?

Seriously. This man is not going to marry you. He isn't even a good partnership candidate -- We don't communicate because he claims to be an introvert and can't say what he's thinking.

You cannot have a fulfilling, mutual relationship if there is not good quality communication.

Just because you think of each other all the time every time you break up doesn't mean that it's destiny for you two to be together. What it means is you haven't taken ahold of your life as a single, secure, independent person with a fulfilling life that takes the focus off of each other.

But I don't feel as though love is enough -- The problem is that there isn't enough love from him.

Long before now, you two should have been incorporating each other in each other's daily lives, children, etc. if the relationship was going to ever lead to marriage.

Tell him time is up. You are moving on and then go no contact. End it straight up once and for all. Get on with your life and enjoy it for a while. Get used to being on your own and enjoying that freedom. Find new things you enjoy. New hobbies, new friends. Try anything and everything until you find something you have a passion for. Be a strong, secure, independent woman with a rich, full life of your own. You don't need a partner to make you happy (and this one isn't). A partner should only enhance the happiness you already have.

Almost a year later, nothing has changed. -- You have the power to change it by ending it.
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Old 11th September 2016, 9:39 PM   #14
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He sounds like he's living two parallel lives, and only the easiest parts of both.

The only relationship you have is the relationship you have.

If you like it today, you'll like it tomorrow.

If you don't like it today, you won't like it tomorrow.


Future faking


"Of all the subjects I’ve written about, Future Faking, which is when someone gives you the impression of a future so that they can get what they want in the present, has struck a major chord with readers. It’s not just because many of us walk around with a misguided belief that people, especially men, don’t talk about a future unless they have serious intentions; it’s also because when the future doesn’t materialise and we come crashing back to earth, it’s incredibly painful and often difficult to work out what was real and what was fake."

- Natalie Lue.

As well as not being future faked by another, you have to make sure that you're not future faking yourself.


Take care.
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