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Ex-girlfriend went abroad


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I dated my ex-girlfriend (we'll call her ashley) for a year on and off during fall '15 to spring '16 and we have broken up at the start of this summer and we have had feelings for each other for quite some time but I didn't allow us to date.

 

Going back to May 5th(cinco de mayo) we had a mixer between our two Greek orgs and we were talking (recently broken up) and went upstairs to discuss things which quickly escalated into a very bad arguement so I left and she later left too...she went downstairs cried and her sisters asked her whats wrong and moments later accuse me of hitting ashley across the face(i never did this). I leave because im not gonna stay for this witch hunt, since my formal was the next day I take one my (girl) friends (lets say Jill) to formal instead and we had fun got too drunk hooked up...I was hesitant because I promised i wouldnt kiss anyone, but then I rationalized that my ex falsely accused me of domestic abuse so I figured I should move on....day after formal is derby but before derby Ashley calls me frantically saying we should talk, so I go over...I explain to her I kissed my friend last night and im not apologizing because you falsely accused me on domestic abuse...she said that is was her sister's that orchestrated it all and apologizes. We part ways shes upset that I wont take her back...we go to derby, and Jill's ex finds and presses ashley asking if I kissed his ex and Ashley says yeah and that I beat (ashley) up....dudes drunk and wants to get me beat up for kissing "his" girl and beating women (isnt true..again)....my brothers calm the situation before I even find out, but I talk to Jill's ex and tell him what happened...I never asked if it was Ashley or her sister's that said I beat women so idk if Ashley lied about that or her sister's did. Cause if that's true... i have no business mingling with a woman who attempted to tarnish my name as well as get me physically hurt .. out of jealously?

 

Ashley has gone abroad to Europe with a few friends, her rotation is majorly girls and her friend group all has boyfriends but her. I get anxiety thinking that she'll sleep with someone...but knowing her I don't know if she will. She isnt my girlfriend but she leads me on which is screwing with me right now. She told me she loves and misses me, and hopes that we can talk normally and start things over when shes back because she cares about me deeply....yet shes abroad in Europe. SHes weird with guys and sex in general, considering her sex drive is really low but IDK what shes gonna do but the more important thing is i really do like her but I know for a fact shes a bad fit especially idk if she did what she did and if she did it's a bad fit because I don't deserve someone like that. i have a lot of trouble moving on from her, and im kind of depressed shes abroad and away from me....i recently blocked her on all social media. Maybe this will help? My heart tells me to go catch Ashley but my brain is telling me she's a bad fit and I deserve someone who's willing to make the same amount of effort and dedication I do for them. She was immature when it came to our problems, she would rather sweep them under the rug then discuss them. She acted like she didnt do anything wrong...so irrating. I just cant get over her and I have very bad anxiety now that shes oversea's =/

 

I just need some advice and to clear my head. IDK if I even made sense theres so much that happened, i tried to put what was important. It was a very toxic relationship...and while I do wrong I think a good portion was her aswell. It's just now all a sudden I think shes the most beautiful girl in the world and it's destroying me. Thanks for reading.

Edited by LostHeart88
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I try too but we have mutual friends on instagram and I see her comments all the time. It's kind of hard to fully block her.

 

My heads all confused because she told me loves me wants to be with me again....really just lost and honestly really upset. I tried no contact and for the week she didn't contact me...I was honestly dying from anxiety.

 

Just want it to go away.

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She is not good for you, probably never was.

 

Ex's often become bitter, and she is definitely trying to make your life hell just to ensure she has that boost of ego and closure in herself, so she can move on and you can grieve away over her and what she's doing 24/7.

 

Eliminate her from your life entirely, mutual friends? block them if you have to, if they're so heavily involved with your ex and they know that you are definitely not handling well, are they really on your side and your friend? sounds like a childish resort, but believe me I can assure you even the most mature of people go through a stage where they have these types of dilemma's.

 

Find someone else, appreciate them. Don't be left grieving over someone who didn't deserve anything you have done or given her. You'll find someone else, someone better. Think about that

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Maybe. In my head I'm envisiong how much better she is then me, for some reason im really insecure right now and I don't know why. I feel im worthless and shes ten times better then me .

 

I've had a break up before...but i never felt worthless. 2 year relationship ended end of freshman year during college...and I was okay but right now? i am not okay.

 

Cliche but I felt I lost a part of myself, but also a girl who is so amazing and awesome...

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Sorry OP, but it is never going to work with this girl.

 

There is far too much drama and far too many people involved in your personal business. This girl has serious issues if she insinuated or allowed her friends to believe you hit her when it's not even remotely true. That is a person to stay away from, not move toward. That kind of behaviour tends to escalate and it could land you in hot water.

 

You're not dying from anxiety; don't tell yourself that. I know you don't mean that literally, but self-talk is hugely important. How we frame our experiences significantly shapes how we recover from a break-up. Of course it hurts and it's unpleasant, but you're in the eye of the storm right now. Those feelings will eventually subside. That is what you need to remember.

 

Remind yourself why you broke up to begin with. Clearly, something wasn't working then and it's not working now either.

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Sorry OP, but it is never going to work with this girl.

 

There is far too much drama and far too many people involved in your personal business. This girl has serious issues if she insinuated or allowed her friends to believe you hit her when it's not even remotely true. That is a person to stay away from, not move toward. That kind of behaviour tends to escalate and it could land you in hot water.

 

You're not dying from anxiety; don't tell yourself that. I know you don't mean that literally, but self-talk is hugely important. How we frame our experiences significantly shapes how we recover from a break-up. Of course it hurts and it's unpleasant, but you're in the eye of the storm right now. Those feelings will eventually subside. That is what you need to remember.

 

Remind yourself why you broke up to begin with. Clearly, something wasn't working then and it's not working now either.

 

You're right, but some reason I've become a little possessive over her and personally I have never been like that over girl. The idea that she wants someone else eventually, and she'll do stuff with someone else eventually freaks me out as if she's supposed to be my girlfriend and exclusive with me. My mind is trapped in this mentality and I know it's not right but I'm having trouble escaping it. I saw some photos of her and my heart dropped.. we talked a lot about the future and planned after college together and I guess I've conditioned myself to expect her to always be in my life. I look at her and think "thats my girl".... but you know whats funny? We met at a mall over the summer a month before she left to get my stuff I left at her place....and I was embarassed to be with her. I didn't think she was that pretty and these two girls walked by and in my head I was like "damn I need a girl like that" but my ex-girlfriend...? she wasnt turning my head. Kissing her felt empty too.... I know she's bad news but I have been focusing on good memories and romanticizing the idea of her and it's f###ing me honestly.

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I've never used Instagram, but if you're serious about healing, I'm sure it's possible to deactivate your account if you aren't able to block her. Saying you have mutual friends on there is an excuse to stay tied to her on there.

 

She says she loves you.

They're words, OP. Listen to her actions, not her words.

 

She says she wants to be with you again.

Do you want to be with someone who has treated you as poorly as she has? Attachment to her aside, do you find her behaviour healthy for your self-esteem and your well-being? Reflect on what she has done. Does it feel good to remember? Are you willing to have history repeat itself?

 

She isn't good for you. I hope you can see that.

 

Take care.

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Maybe. In my head I'm envisiong how much better she is then me, for some reason im really insecure right now and I don't know why. I feel im worthless and shes ten times better then me .

 

I've had a break up before...but i never felt worthless. 2 year relationship ended end of freshman year during college...and I was okay but right now? i am not okay.

 

Cliche but I felt I lost a part of myself, but also a girl who is so amazing and awesome...

 

She isn't going to be the last girl who you think is 'so amazing and awesome'

 

Trust me, it's bloody awful now and you want things to work out and you don't want to let her go, but it's all for the best. Save yourself some real genuine time and effort on someone not worthy of it.

 

You'll find someone else, good luck

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I've never used Instagram, but if you're serious about healing, I'm sure it's possible to deactivate your account if you aren't able to block her. Saying you have mutual friends on there is an excuse to stay tied to her on there.

 

She says she loves you.

They're words, OP. Listen to her actions, not her words.

 

She says she wants to be with you again.

Do you want to be with someone who has treated you as poorly as she has? Attachment to her aside, do you find her behaviour healthy for your self-esteem and your well-being? Reflect on what she has done. Does it feel good to remember? Are you willing to have history repeat itself?

 

She isn't good for you. I hope you can see that.

 

Take care.

 

I can just remove the app but I feel I shouldn't have to hide away from her but perhaps it's better I do that ..

 

She reached out to me via groupme and she said she cares about me a lot, and that she wants to stop fighting (without solving any issues) and talk normal so that we could try again.

 

I guess I'm being irrational...it was a toxic relationship.

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Why did you break up?

 

I broke up with her initially..which was more of a break but still together type of thing , but the reasons was because she wasn't really being a good girlfriend. She didn't give me much attention and I felt secondary to everything, i get you have your own life but i felt there was times I was willing to make time for her and she was not . She made time for her sister's , whom took advantage of her...one of her close friends was very manipulative towards Ashley and I never said dont be friends but I said why do you make effort for her and not me.

 

She has a low sex drive so our sex life wasn't great, and honestly it was more of me doing the work and she just taking it. She is very awkward with sex she could never talk about it or we couldn't try new stuff.

 

She also doesn't talk about problems, in the start of our relationship she went to a musical festival and was tweeting how this singer is such a DILF, and took a kissing photo with two local country singers...I felt that was a little disrespectful to me. We have social mixers and I asked her about them, and something happened at hers nothing major but I found out through a mutual friend and when asking her...she tells me a slighty different account. There was multiple things she did that didn't add up and she got angry if i brought it up. She doesn't enjoy me talking about issues in the relationship. She told me all about her past which I didnt wanna know....but then we discussed it she said some stuff she actually made up to "impress" me... so idk if she did those things or didnt and its really not "my problem" cause its her past but the fact she said something and then said she didnt....is she lying or what? This bothered me and I kind of pressed...a lot of her stuff doesn't add up.

 

To be quite honest I know she sucks, but I could never let her go. I always had to have a piece of her...because I never want anyone else to have her which is really unhealthy :/

 

EDIT: I know i'm far from perfect but one thing I will say is I'm very honest and reflective with myself...if I mess up or im doing something wrong I'll admit and own up to it...and I feel she was doing a lot wrong. I also found out her ex before me beat one of her best guy friends up(only guy friend she really had she says)...and then months later they began talking. All before me, but it shook me the wrong way because when she told me her past she left that entire bit out. Her getting back with her ex for a little was 4 months before we began dating...and I asked myself why would a sane girl crawl back to an abusive guy?

Edited by LostHeart88
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Every time you start to feel upset or worthless, come back to this thread and re-read what you just wrote. You broke up with her for very valid reasons. You weren't happy and knew it wasn't the right match.

 

Think of this of freeing up space in your heart to fall in love with a better match someday. Right now, you've got your ex on a pedestal but I guarantee you will eventually meet someone who knocks her right off it.

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It was a toxic relationship. You said it yourself.

 

If you don't want a repeat, block her everywhere. It's not about hiding from her. It's about self-preservation. It's about putting yourself first--your well-being, your emotional health... all of it. She wants to get back together, while not solving any of the issues. The fighting will persist, because nothing will have been solved.

 

Sounds like a toxic relationship in-the-making to me, if you go back.

 

There's too much drama here. Best to let it go and focus on building your self-esteem and getting to the root of why you stayed when it was toxic.

 

Take care.

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Every time you start to feel upset or worthless, come back to this thread and re-read what you just wrote. You broke up with her for very valid reasons. You weren't happy and knew it wasn't the right match.

 

Think of this of freeing up space in your heart to fall in love with a better match someday. Right now, you've got your ex on a pedestal but I guarantee you will eventually meet someone who knocks her right off it.

 

Haha I know man, and to be truthful they weren't small things. She knew what her sister's did but when along with it and now all a sudden she's trying to be buddy buddy w/ em. I don't get how someone with even self respect would go back to someone who literally crapped all over 'em. She has a lot of bad qualities...not even just being incompatible , but in general she will struggle with dating unless she changes which I doubt but it's who she is.

 

I think part of the anxiety and depression stems from that I'm a senior and I feel my life will be over in less then a year working in a corporate society...and she's having the time of her of life literally going all over Europe. It gives me anxiety because I never did that w/ my life

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Haha I know man, and to be truthful they weren't small things. She knew what her sister's did but when along with it and now all a sudden she's trying to be buddy buddy w/ em. I don't get how someone with even self respect would go back to someone who literally crapped all over 'em. She has a lot of bad qualities...not even just being incompatible , but in general she will struggle with dating unless she changes which I doubt but it's who she is.

 

I think part of the anxiety and depression stems from that I'm a senior and I feel my life will be over in less then a year working in a corporate society...and she's having the time of her of life literally going all over Europe. It gives me anxiety because I never did that w/ my life

 

This simply isn't true. You've just barely begun your adult life. Sure, having a career means less flexibility with time, but making money and meeting new people and acquiring new skills will afford you opportunities you haven't even realized yet.

 

I was 31 when I moved abroad, and I'm still here, nearly 4 years later. I did so after the break-up of a long-term relationship and I've never looked back. I was already well into my teaching career when I made the leap and I've continued my career in my adopted city. I know several others like me. Thinking your life is over upon graduation is very self-limiting and generally isn't a reflection of reality. I've done plenty of things after graduation that I couldn't do as a university student, including travelling.

 

As I said before, be careful with the type of self-talk you're using. You're placing a lot of necessary limitations on yourself, which means you're viewing your life through a pretty negative filter. We all do this sometimes; I know I sure have. Observe your thoughts carefully and don't get too caught up in a downward spiral, so to speak.

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This simply isn't true. You've just barely begun your adult life. Sure, having a career means less flexibility with time, but making money and meeting new people and acquiring new skills will afford you opportunities you haven't even realized yet.

 

I was 31 when I moved abroad, and I'm still here, nearly 4 years later. I did so after the break-up of a long-term relationship and I've never looked back. I was already well into my teaching career when I made the leap and I've continued my career in my adopted city. I know several others like me. Thinking your life is over upon graduation is very self-limiting and generally isn't a reflection of reality. I've done plenty of things after graduation that I couldn't do as a university student, including travelling.

 

As I said before, be careful with the type of self-talk you're using. You're placing a lot of necessary limitations on yourself, which means you're viewing your life through a pretty negative filter. We all do this sometimes; I know I sure have. Observe your thoughts carefully and don't get too caught up in a downward spiral, so to speak.

 

Perhaps I should be more open minded towards my future...just nervous and a lot of anxiety.

 

I blocked Ashley on Facebook, uninstalled Instagram, removed her on SnapChat and blocked her on groupme....I told her I was cutting contact. Truthfully I wanna unblock her and peak to what she said but perhaps I just deal with this and accept reality and realize I'm better off with her. I need to stop thinking that she's better than me as well, which I believe at the moment.

 

Thanks for the advice.

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Been doing NC for almost a week and damn this is hard...I can list why I don't want to be with her but am thinking of her as special? I met a girl recently and shes cool but even hanging with this new girl and kissing doesn't feel the same..feel like my body is conditioned for my ex and wants her.

 

Maybe someone can relate. Figured id post then message by ex haha.

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Been doing NC for almost a week and damn this is hard...I can list why I don't want to be with her but am thinking of her as special? I met a girl recently and shes cool but even hanging with this new girl and kissing doesn't feel the same..feel like my body is conditioned for my ex and wants her.

 

Maybe someone can relate. Figured id post then message by ex haha.

 

You're not ready to date yet.

 

And that's perfectly okay. Take your time healing first before going out with other girls.

 

You're not conditioned to want your ex. You just haven't recovered yet. It's been such a short period of No Contact that of course you're not feeling over it. Be patient with yourself.

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Have to be honest, ~6 days ago I broke no contact sort of unintentionally. I Saw her venmo transaction by mistake and it got my curiosity too high and I broke it. A little ashamed I let my weakness overcome me but there was good out of it.

 

I saw her instagram and there's new photos but they didn't phase me, she just seemed ugly to me..wasn't the same girl I dated.I only saw flaws in her, and I'm not going to degrade someone I thought pretty but I genuinely don't understand why I thought her so pretty. Some guy from Spain commented on her latest pic and when I saw that it all clicked in my head that everything she said was breadcrumbs and just stringing me along and she lied to me...said she wasn't meeting guys , not adding guys etc meanwhile I could see it all. When that realization came into my head I got really happy because it knocked her off her pedestal and liberated myself from this depressing chokehold I was experiecning. I don't see her as this amazing girl...I see her as the girl who hurt me, went along with falsely accusing me of domestic abuse..she's not sound of mind and not someone worth dating. I honestly see her as a pretty sh***y person...something my friends have been telling me for a while. It's been almost a week and I've been doing no contact again and I don't think about her as much, don't have anxiety about her anymore and genuinely don't care if she's having some wild sex tbh. I'm extremely happy, even if I still miss (the idea) her, I'm happy with myself and don't want anyone I'm happy being alone. When I was really depressed I felt like I wanted someone to love, someone to date..perhaps a rebound but now? completely happy alone, hang out with my friends and focus on my life and ensure I live my life the way I want too because I'm still young and have a lot of chapters to write. She doesn't matter to me anymore even though she was a part of me, and she's not this amazing girl I hyped her up to be..she's someone not worthwhile dating and I deserve much better. It's been about a week and haven't felt the need to "check up on her" ... this is great, and I think I made a lot of progress moving on. My friends noticed how happy I have been too, and I think I learned a lot from this experience so far.

 

I think I was able to find some sort of closure, and able to accept what the situation was and move on.

Edited by LostHeart88
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Also figured I should ask....in the next 3 months I will probably see her again and encounter her. It's inevitable. Maybe she'll approach me, but I'm not sure how to act. I figured I should give her the cold shoulder, I don't wanna act like I'm her friend and say "hope you were well". Just would rather say a emotionless hey/acknowledgment and sort of drop it from there if she tried to continue. I don't wanna hold anger tried to her, but she isn't a good person in my head and I don't wanna entertain any of her attention.

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I think NC doesn't work for you. You still urge and wants her. It might fade away in a very long time. I have an idea for you.

 

You want her, she wants you. Go back with her. take her back. You'll get some peace to your soul (Which you have none right now), you have a chance that it will work this time, and the bonus - If it doesn't work, the experience will help you heal quicker next time.

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I think NC doesn't work for you. You still urge and wants her. It might fade away in a very long time. I have an idea for you.

 

You want her, she wants you. Go back with her. take her back. You'll get some peace to your soul (Which you have none right now), you have a chance that it will work this time, and the bonus - If it doesn't work, the experience will help you heal quicker next time.

 

While I appreciate the response, I don't think this is a good idea.

 

I stated that I feel much better than I have a week ago. I can only imagine only being a lot better in 2-3 weeks... yeah I still miss her and care for her. Just found an old photo of her on my phone...it's not a good relationship and she isn't a good person. Found out she bullied her first year roommate too from some people..apparently went to Student Conduct. Best I move on, which I think I am.

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Look, it's just not working with you two. That thing about you hitting her just keeps coming back up, so maybe even if you didn't, she thinks you did or you clipped her and didn't notice with an elbow or something. But aside from that, you weren't getting along well and I don't know why, but you weren't. You should probably both just move on with clean slate apart.

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