EX-BOYFRIEND kicked me out of his house today [update - out!]

[BlueIvy]

Long story short, I talked about this relationship before on here. He was older than me, I'm in my 20s and he is in his 50s.

 

It was a 3 year relationship that ended months ago but I still lived in his house.

 

I moved in last November because I was stressed out living at my mom's house. Last few months, the relationship pretty much ended. A few months ago, my car was in the shop. So, *Dan, my ex, let me use his car if I needed to go somewhere. So, I picked him up and he was annoying me in the car and I said angrily, "Don't touch me." After that, he changed overnight. He stopped being affectionate, we stopped having sex (only 2wice since then), we slept in different beds, stopped going out as much. He would also say I never really loved him and how I broke his heart. I asked him what's going on and he would just mimic me and say, "Don't touch me" and said to figure it out. I tried multiple times to ask him why he is acting like this and he would say he doesn't want to talk about it. Later on, it became, "I will tell you everything once you move out."

 

Around the same time period, he asked me when I am moving out. I said June but I stalled, I admit I did so because I know once I move out, it's officially over. Also, I loved having my freedom away from my mother. My mother is a great mom but she still sees me as a child, which is somewhat cultural.

 

Since then, he always asked when I am moving out and I just said soon. Today, he comes into my bed, his bedroom actually, and cuddles with me. He then says, "Do you know why I am doing this?" I said, "it's your goodbye hug?" He said, "Yes." And he said, "Why?" I replied, "Because I am leaving." And then he asked when I am leaving, I said, "Today."

 

So, here I am packing up and I feel mad, sad, and relieved.

Mad because lately he been putting pressure on me to leave, rightfully so, but it makes me feel like damn you hate me that much. Sad because I don't plan on keeping in touch so I know this will be last time I see him. Relieved because it's a new chapter and again last few months haven't been great.

 

Thing is he was inconsistent, although we broke up months ago. He still called me baby occasionally and said if I date while still living with him, he cares and that's disrespectful of him. But then he has been saying how he is the victim, presumably because I am much younger so I can move on and find another man. He on the other hand said I will be the last relationship he's in and he's gonna be "old and lonely." He says he is done with relationships and at most, he will just have a travel partner. Or says it's my fault that all this happened. He even said, "I am the victim here...you broke my heart...I don't expect you to be sad over this...you're beautiful, by October you will have a new boyfriend..."

 

Actually, yesterday we went to the movies and then took a drive around the city, which he actually asked me to go to the movies with him.

 

And usually after we come home, we talk about our day. Last week, I came home and he said, "Oh, you're not gonna de-brief with me?" I said, "No." Next day, he kept asking me why I didn't debrief and it hurt his feelings because that's our thing we usually do when we get home. And of course, he still acknowledges he loves me.

 

Anyway, we had a chat today and he basically said he's a matyt and his friends are wondering why would he give up a relationship with a 20 something beautiful woman, and that he really loves me and that's why he is letting me go. And I guess he can tell I am mad and said it doesn't have to be this way, and he was hoping we can still be friends and have lunch occasionally. As I have said that after I move out, I plan on cutting him off. And he said this was one of the best relationships he had.

 

But not before saying he always felt guilty being with me because I am much younger. And that he though he could be a positive influence, but seems being with him I been doing worse, in terms of stability with school and work. He said being with him i should be doing better in life, so that's how he knew something was wrong. He also felt guilty because his sexual health isn't as good as it was before...

 

I also think it bothered him I never introduced him to my mom. Because he would always say I am ashamed of him. Yes, I have kept this relationship hidden from my mom. Why? Because I know she wouldn't approve. Again, I am an adult but it's cultural too...and yes it's messed up that I did that...

But all my friends and my closest cousin knew about him so it's not like i hid him away. And I mentioned him to my sister.

 

I am sad because I do love him and we had issues but it was overall a good relationship.

 

Part of me wants to tell my mother, in hopes, i guess of salvaging something or to come clean? On the other hand, I do think it's the best thing. What future would we have? It's not like we will get married or have kids. And I think deep down inside I deserve a man around my own age who I have the option to build a future with.

 

Mind you, he implied marriage wasn't an option for us. But about 7 months ago, he did bring up marriage. I thought he was joking and he said, " Oh, why should we let age be a factor and asked me what I thought." I basically said I am not ready for marriage. He said, Ok. I understand you're still young and want things to do...

 

So, I guess a lot of the sadness is if you love me so much, then why?

 

ETA: Weird. So, he is leaving to run errands and asked me for a hug. Then he gave me a kiss on the cheek. And then he asked if we are gonna go do something special for our last day, like a fancy dinner. WTF.

 

 

 

Any feedback? And I already feel like **** so be honest, but don't try to kick me when I am down,lol.

Edited August 20, 2016 by BlueIvy

[carhill]

My feedback would be accept the now, how things are now, continue the move-out and find your own place, move in, get established and reset the relationship and dating clock with a period of independence, both from this guy and your mother. What the future will bring is unknown.

 

It sounds like you have some cultural issues to deal with as well, in that your natural style may be in conflict with norms either socialized into you or supported in your culture. Independence can help clarify that.

 

IMO, think of each relationship as a learning experience. None of us are perfect beings. We all make mistakes and experience setbacks and loss. We can gain life experience and insight from them to use moving forward.

 

At this point, what lessons do you believe you learned from this relationship?

[BlueIvy]

My feedback would be accept the now, how things are now, continue the move-out and find your own place, move in, get established and reset the relationship and dating clock with a period of independence, both from this guy and your mother. What the future will bring is unknown.

 

It sounds like you have some cultural issues to deal with as well, in that your natural style may be in conflict with norms either socialized into you or supported in your culture. Independence can help clarify that.

 

IMO, think of each relationship as a learning experience. None of us are perfect beings. We all make mistakes and experience setbacks and loss. We can gain life experience and insight from them to use moving forward.

 

At this point, what lessons do you believe you learned from this relationship?

 

Really, I learned that I won't date a much older man again. I think age was the ultimate cause for the end of our relationship.

 

I think because of how my mom is, it's like I don't feel comfortable talking about certain topics. Clearly, at my age, I should be able to not hide something. I also won't move in before marriage. Luckily, I can go back home but if I didn't have anyone, I would practically be homeless.

 

I don't regret the relationship though.

 

Right now, I can't afford to move out. But I def plan on moving out within the next few years.

 

Also, just a few moments ago, he left to do errands and he wanted a hug from me because he said it might be last time. He also gave me a kiss on the cheek. And he asked if we were going to do anything special for our last day, like a fancy dinner.

 

And he said, if I needed money or something, to hit him up.

 

It's like wtf.

[asphyxis]

Sounds like manipulation. You should be in a relationship to grow with someone. Are your goals to get married? What is it that you as an individual want? I personally wouldn't out up with that kind of disrespect, and its blatantly disrespect because you don't talk to your significant other like that.

 

Get on your feet and move out. Don't plan on any kind of celebration for your "last day". This doesn't sound like love, and has nothing but undertones of mental abuse. Get out now while you're young. You said you're going worse off now, and that should have been the first red flag. Take care of yourself and get stable.

[preraph]

The whole thing is just sad. He sounds lonely. I think he backed off when you said "Don't touch me" because this never goes down well with any man, but then with him, he probably also has guilt about being with such a young woman, so he backed right off.

 

The best thing I can hope for both of you is that now you both move on. If you want to be kind, then give him a pep talk one last time and tell him it's nonsense that he'll never find anyone else because he's a great and attractive guy who will find a better match for himself (especially if he doesn't try to date 30 years younger - no don't tell him that).

 

It is sad. He's sad and you're sad. But two sads don't make a good match. Maybe you can be friends a little once you move out. Up to you.

[BlueIvy]

Sounds like manipulation. You should be in a relationship to grow with someone. Are your goals to get married? What is it that you as an individual want? I personally wouldn't out up with that kind of disrespect, and its blatantly disrespect because you don't talk to your significant other like that.

 

Get on your feet and move out. Don't plan on any kind of celebration for your "last day". This doesn't sound like love, and has nothing but undertones of mental abuse. Get out now while you're young. You said you're going worse off now, and that should have been the first red flag. Take care of yourself and get stable.

 

Why is he acting like this? My goals aren't to get married now. I am not where i want to be in my life..so I am just career focused now.

 

But when I stabilize my life, I do want the possibility of having a family.

 

Well, that is what he said. I guess in a way it's true. Considering he is stable and successful, it didn't rub off me. But I don't think it's all his fault. I have my own issues, like we all do. Nothing extreme but I haven't been taking life as seriously as I should.

[BlueIvy]

The whole thing is just sad. He sounds lonely. I think he backed off when you said "Don't touch me" because this never goes down well with any man, but then with him, he probably also has guilt about being with such a young woman, so he backed right off.

 

The best thing I can hope for both of you is that now you both move on. If you want to be kind, then give him a pep talk one last time and tell him it's nonsense that he'll never find anyone else because he's a great and attractive guy who will find a better match for himself (especially if he doesn't try to date 30 years younger - no don't tell him that).

 

It is sad. He's sad and you're sad. But two sads don't make a good match. Maybe you can be friends a little once you move out. Up to you.

 

We did have a talk. I told him to get real, that he will find someone. He said, "I had my fare share of relationships" And that he's a old guy and is all set with relationships. He said at the most he will have a travel companion because all his closest friends are married, so it feels weird that its all couples and then just him.

[carhill]

Yeah, 20's to 50's (me being in that age range) did seem a bit out there but hey different strokes for different folks. Maybe try 'older' being 30's next time You may still find a man older than you, specific to him, to be a good fit so IMO keep that option open in the future. This guy wasn't it, long-term.

 

If you do want to live independently, options are available. When I was young, I lived at home and worked like a dog to save up the down payment for a house. I could have rented an apartment, lived with roommates, etc, etc. but I wanted to own real estate, set that as a goal and worked towards it. The key is having a plan, no matter what your goal is. Work the steps and focus on the goal. Separate living independently from your family from the relationship realm entirely.

 

Expect the actions you outlined to go on as long as you live there with the guy. He's being friendly. Heh, women, yeah, including married ones, have been similarly friendly with me for most of my life. This just happens to be a guy. At my age, I too am friendly with young women and call them dear and sweetheart and without any intentions to get into their pants. It's just being friendly. However, I live quite alone in a sprawling home by choice. The only woman who ever lived here was my wife, and only after we were married. Once you've lived independently, you'll have some boundaries of your own. That's the cool thing about free will. You decide.

[BlueIvy]

Yeah, 20's to 50's (me being in that age range) did seem a bit out there but hey different strokes for different folks. Maybe try 'older' being 30's next time You may still find a man older than you, specific to him, to be a good fit so IMO keep that option open in the future. This guy wasn't it, long-term.

 

If you do want to live independently, options are available. When I was young, I lived at home and worked like a dog to save up the down payment for a house. I could have rented an apartment, lived with roommates, etc, etc. but I wanted to own real estate, set that as a goal and worked towards it. The key is having a plan, no matter what your goal is. Work the steps and focus on the goal. Separate living independently from your family from the relationship realm entirely.

 

Expect the actions you outlined to go on as long as you live there with the guy. He's being friendly. Heh, women, yeah, including married ones, have been similarly friendly with me for most of my life. This just happens to be a guy. At my age, I too am friendly with young women and call them dear and sweetheart and without any intentions to get into their pants. It's just being friendly. However, I live quite alone in a sprawling home by choice. The only woman who ever lived here was my wife, and only after we were married. Once you've lived independently, you'll have some boundaries of your own. That's the cool thing about free will. You decide.

 

Yes, but I got a new job and the hours are inconsistent and the pay sucks. I will keep looking for a new job that pays better.

 

I do think being on my own will do me good as I will have no cushion.

[William]

Can mods please merge duplicate threads? Thanks.

 

Threads merged and if you desire a more descriptive title than current, alert with the content of the title using the 'alert us' button on this post. Thanks and please continue!

[asphyxis]

Why is he acting like this? My goals aren't to get married now. I am not where i want to be in my life..so I am just career focused now.

 

But when I stabilize my life, I do want the possibility of having a family.

 

Well, that is what he said. I guess in a way it's true. Considering he is stable and successful, it didn't rub off me. But I don't think it's all his fault. I have my own issues, like we all do. Nothing extreme but I haven't been taking life as seriously as I should.

 

No one knows why except for him, but that isn't love. When you're afraid of the unknown, you act out. Love supports and uplifted you and pushes you to be the best person to be without manipulation. And its pretty petty to make the remarks that he has towards you. His dating issues at his age are not your concern, and it's manipulation to guilt you into staying in an unhappy relationship. You don't owe it to anyone, not even him. If you are unhappy, then you need to leave for your own sanity. A relationship can't flourish if the two of you are unhappy, and you're the only one capable of controlling your own happiness. You'll become successful once you're stable, and build some self confidence, and it doesn't happen over night. You're young, you've got this.

[BlueIvy]

No one knows why except for him, but that isn't love. When you're afraid of the unknown, you act out. Love supports and uplifted you and pushes you to be the best person to be without manipulation. And its pretty petty to make the remarks that he has towards you. His dating issues at his age are not your concern, and it's manipulation to guilt you into staying in an unhappy relationship. You don't owe it to anyone, not even him. If you are unhappy, then you need to leave for your own sanity. A relationship can't flourish if the two of you are unhappy, and you're the only one capable of controlling your own happiness. You'll become successful once you're stable, and build some self confidence, and it doesn't happen over night. You're young, you've got this.

 

Thanks. Well, he would uplift me to take school more seriously or support my goals. But yes at times he is immature. I don't think he wants me to stay, then why basically push me out?

 

Actually, before he left he told me to send him more pictures of myself. He is fond of my physical apperance and he would show pics of me to people, to prove he was with a beautiful 20 something. So, i think he did it for an ego boost.

 

I wasn't happy, am not happy once he went cold.

 

I still love him but I know it's for the best. He apparently wants us to remain in touch but I don't want to. Because we were mostly on and off, the last year being on. We would break up for a week or like 2 days and then get back together. Usuaully, he would say he misses me or we are hanging out as friends but then he flirts with me, or says he misses me and I give in and we are on again. It just hurts because he is the closest person I have. I have friends but I told him everything and he was like my rock. And it's hard for me to open up to people.

[carhill]

I still love him but I know it's for the best. He apparently wants us to remain in touch but I don't want to.

IMO, in that vein I believe you are wise beyond your years.

 

One thing I can reflect upon having been married and divorced and interacting in the breakup realm with female friends and MW's is an apparent dichotomy regarding focusing on the negatives as a healing mechanism. Apparently, at least from what I hear, and that includes women I dated who were divorced, some decades, it's important to demonstrate disgust with the departed partner or spouse, at least communicate something like that. I mention that because I've heard it for decades and I did get a lot of feedback from female friends that I didn't 'hate' my ex-W enough. Evidently, the hate meter wasn't sufficiently swung over for them to be convinced that I didn't love her anymore. In fact, the few interactions we've had, maybe two I think, since getting divorced have been 'friendly'. One was her best friend dying, someone I loved as well. Two was our cat dying. I never called her about anything. And, heh, she was the one that kicked me out of the house that she got in the divorce

 

The 20's can be a time of high energy and strong emotions. Enjoy it. Yeah, it'll provide some heartbreak too but it's an amazing period to be alive. This guy was one stop along the path. You've got a lifetime of stops yet in front of you.

[preraph]

He'll learn to deal with it. If he wants a woman companion, there are so many single lonely middle aged ones out there.

[BlueIvy]

I'm so sad y'all. I'm crying in my car:/ I finally got all my stuff and am back home. He was sad too and didn't wanna talk that much. Only thing he said is if I was going to block him.

 

He said I can have the house keys if I need a place to seek refuge.

[preraph]

Oh, I'm sorry. I used to do that "driving and crying" thing myself. Something about the acceleration that makes you feel like you at least have forward momentum, you know, going somewhere. Plus car stereo doesn't hurt.

 

Hope you get settled soon. I think you'll feel better once you're in your own place and can breathe again. Cry it out.

[BlueIvy]

Oh, I'm sorry. I used to do that "driving and crying" thing myself. Something about the acceleration that makes you feel like you at least have forward momentum, you know, going somewhere. Plus car stereo doesn't hurt.

 

Hope you get settled soon. I think you'll feel better once you're in your own place and can breathe again. Cry it out.

 

Thank you. lol yes after I got the last of my stuff I drove around crying. Pathethic but I ride around when I am stressed, sad or bored so it helps a little.

 

I am back at my mom's place. She is amazing though, she painted my room and freshened it up.

 

I admit I did call him an hour ago just to chat. He acknowledged he's sad as well. We talked about our week ahead and he said for us to check in with each-other in a few months. But IDK about that. School starts in 2 weeks so I will try to keep myself busy going to classes, working, going to the gym,etc.

[preraph]

Thank you. lol yes after I got the last of my stuff I drove around crying. Pathethic but I ride around when I am stressed, sad or bored so it helps a little.

 

I am back at my mom's place. She is amazing though, she painted my room and freshened it up.

 

I admit I did call him an hour ago just to chat. He acknowledged he's sad as well. We talked about our week ahead and he said for us to check in with each-other in a few months. But IDK about that. School starts in 2 weeks so I will try to keep myself busy going to classes, working, going to the gym,etc.

 

Soon you will be distracted and excited about the new year. It will all work out. Glad you have a thoughtful comforting mom. It all helps.

[asphyxis]

We talked about our week ahead and he said for us to check in with each-other in a few months.

 

There's real no reason to. I had plans this weekend that I made with my ex a month ago that we discussed after our break up, to go down to talk and see each other. I never went for many reasons. The biggest being, I'm happier now that I don't know what he's doing in his life anymore. I have no idea what he's up to, and it's a terrific feeling once you reach that stage. Mind you, I'm almost 7 weeks post break up, it's just that in a couple weeks, your life will change and for the better. There will be zero reason to talk months down the line. You'll be in a better state. Keep your head up.