Kate Bradford Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 I met a man age 52 on a personals web site in December. We had a wonderful week of getting to know each other by email and decided to meet. We hit it off like I have never experienced before. Over the next two months we dated, we met each others family and friends. He expressed increased devotion and commitment to me and my feelings were mutual. On our first date he told me he in was in the second year of treatment with anti-depressants. I accepted this as it sounded from our conversation that he was taking good care of himself. During the first month of our relationship he suffered the loss of a coworker in a terrible accident. I helped him through an emotional time. Later when I was with him for stitches, he cut himself accidently, I heard him tell the emergency room doctor that he had not refilled his antidepressant prescribed. After three weeks on no antidepressants he complained of symtoms that now in retrospect should have concerned me more. Basically he was moving into a very depressed state and only three days after a trip to Tahoe he broke up with me via email. I was shocked because there was no problem between us. He even told me he loved me the night before. He had been crying over his relationship with his daughter. He says it is not the depression but will not give a reason for breaking up. My gut says he is just plain overwhelmed by his depression and believes he can not meet my needs. I feel extremely rejected but realize it isn't me. It is so sad . I have lost people in life to depression before. It feels so sad . He was a very happy person before the cold turkey drop of meds. He had refilled by the time I last saw him two weeks ago. Very sad...would hope he gets better. I email everyday , even when I feel I should back off and give him time...I just miss him so much..we got very close in two months. We talked of marriage and he gave me a key to his place. I showed him where I keep my extra key to my place....feeling rejected when I didn't do anything wrong...he says he has nothing against me just doesn't think we will work out...is it depression? anytime I've broken up with or been broke up with , Ive been given a reason....hope he will come back...should I take him back if he does...wondering...Kate Link to post Share on other sites
life loser Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 I've often denied being depressed when I was sverely depressed. I've also had major withdrawal sympoms from anti-depressants - so after being on them for two years, and going off cold turkey, I would say he is not only probably back in his despression, but also some other wacko side effects like paranoia, confusion, etc. If you can help him see a doctor and get him back on them, even it is just to taper them off slowly instead of stoping cold turkey, but if you can't, it's not your fault - you can't change someone who doens't want to Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate Bradford Posted March 23, 2005 Author Share Posted March 23, 2005 Thanks for the compassionate response....I have to admit...I never considered paranoia and other feelings....well I appreciate you sharing your point of view it'll help me be more patient.... Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Hi Kate, I'm so sorry to hear about your boyfriend breaking up with you like that. It must be so difficult not having an explanation from him - he owes you at least that much especially since the two of you cared so deeply for each other. It seems heartless, even if he is depressed, to drop you like you are not worth to even give an explanation to. He could say "I'm too depressed to have a relationship" He could say "after two months, I just feel like you're not my type" or ANYTHING, even brief, to bring closure. The fact that he is depressed could bring the only sane and sensitive explanation for this depression. Like life loser wrote, it could be that one of the side effects of his medication is causing him to feel and think differently and as a result he needs distance from people. Do you know what medication(s) he is on? Maybe you can look up the side effects for it. Also, you mention that he introduced you to his friends and family. Is it possible that you could contact one of them to find out what he is going through and if he has confided in them why he has left you? It could be that he drops family and friends cold turkey as well, so if that is the case, you could be patient and try to deal with what he is going through. He may still want you in his life, but as you say, not feel like he could make you happy when he himself is not happy. Maybe he took you to Tahoe because he wanted to make you happy, but being depressed, he would have preferred not to have traveled anywhere and so then he might have felt that he set up a bar to match as far as taking you places, etc. I am not implying that you are high-maintenance, but for a depressed person who is also grieving the loss of a co-worker, he may just not feel like going anywhere, doing anything and on top of it being responsible to care for anyone else or be scared that they will be miserable to see what misery he is going through and feeling... Does he ever respond to the emails that you send him daily? Is he on bad terms with you or just dropped you completely out of his life and no longer associates with you? That is odd that he had told you the night before that he loved you. This may have frightened him into getting into a relationship so deeply - and I wonder if his daughter has anything to do with it. What is the problem he is having with his relationship with her? I don't want to sound rude by asking your age, but are you near to his daughter's age? Maybe he associates you with her?? You mention he is 52 - are you in the same ballpark, plus or minus about 10 - 15 years? Just curious as to what has made him leave you like this... Whether or not you take him back should he come back to you, I think depends on the explanation he provides as to why he left you like this. He must despite his depressed state, know how hurtful something like that is and every day he could live with the fact that he has caused you so much pain and had/has the ability to have lessened it by the way an adult would've handled something like this towards the person they love... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate Bradford Posted March 23, 2005 Author Share Posted March 23, 2005 Thanks HotCaliGirl, You are relationship saavy. The points you brought up are all good. To answer some of your questions. Age difference is good. I am 44. I look younger though and I wonder sometimes about father daughter issues. That was the first question I had for him. He said no...he has trouble relating to her in general. She is in her first year her of marriage and I think he misses the contacts now that she has a life of her own. Their mom and he divorced 10 years and she did not live with him so I am not sure of all the stresses. She married a man 10 years older than she. Second marriage for him and he has a father with Parkinsons. High maintenance, not me. He is an enthusiastic person who goes way above and beyond with almost everything he approaches.. I suspect his depressive episodes are accompanied by immense highs and that our first month together was a manic high. I had to learn not to touch or look very long at things while shopping with him because he'd buy it!!! I live on a budget being a single mom for the past 13 years. Live fairly slow pace with acquisitions. They way he spends money very impulsively makes me think he is manic depressive. Yes. I saw the name of his antideppresants before I left that Saturday from his place, did research on it and comfirmed a lot of his symptoms. I have communicated with him the warning about not taking meds cold turkey, I have expressed concerns about the mania and pushing himself too hard and yes suggested that time away from the relationship maybe all that is needed and that getting back to it may be in the future... When he came to pick up his motorcycle...he had left it in my garage one rainy day..didn't want to ride all the way home on slippery roads..cautious action wouldn't you say. .. I had gifts for him, treasure hunt style with notes leading to a pot of tea and a final note saying that when friends depart do so with grace and return to each other with more to offer the relationship. We hugged and quick kissed as he drove off and felt though I didn't know if I'd ever see him again that it was a gracious goodbye. When he got home one hour later from leaving me. He called to let me know he was safe and said the gifts were sweet. When we talked on the phone three days later he said the gifts and goodbye made him feel guilty. That surprised me because he said they were sweet. Gracious goodbye turned into Guilt. His thinking is so confused if frustrated me and I stated so. Well he really didn't like hearing that and said we shouldn't communicate anymore. I have been sending emails because I actually am concerned about him the emails are loving sometimes just a cheerful Garfield comic or encouraging words...he responds only to my really, sad, I miss you ones about once a week. He just repeats how sorry he is, that he jumped into relationship too quick, that its best we be apart in the long run.... I did have his friends and sons numbers but in anger and hopelessness I deleted them from the cell phone he bought for me. I had my own cell when we met. He stated one month in that he wanted us to have an account together so I switched. We had a family plan and he was going to cover the bill $10.00 a month. He jumped in with both feet and by month two was running away from me...must be fear... His history.... divorced twice first 10 years ago...second wife, whom he met while she was in the hospital after her first divorce, mutual friends introduced them, they divorced 3 years ago. and he also suffered the loss of both his parents around that time. Gosh he has been through tremendous loss and probably pulled out because he is just afraid. .. He said I love you many times and so did I. ...I am such a compassionate person and understand all these things but now I am hurting big time...this isn't the first time I have fallen in love with hurting people...people are all hurting, carrying some baggage...and all I want is to walk through this world for the short time of a lifetime with a kind, caring partner...very disappointed.... Kate Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 He says it is not the depression but will not give a reason for breaking up. This is something, no matter how much it hurts that you will want to consider. Going off his medications, while likely - may not be the reason why he broke up. Its a pretty handy reason, but don't think for a second that people with problems like his aren't above using them as an excuse or a manipulation tool if it happens to be handy to do so. Focusing on his problems could be causing you to miss some other things that could be the real reason he split like he did. You've only known this guy you met over the internet for two months. Two months isn't long enough to know his background, his motivations, or his patterns in past relationships, or even if the things he was telling you that were doing on with him were 100% truthful. Two months is just long enough to harbor an infatuation. There isn't even a guarantee that you were the only one he was seeing or corresponding with over the internet. His breakup could have had nothing to do with his depression or medication. Right now, there is little you can do - no matter what the circumstances are. Should he come back, I would suggest backing up some emotionally and protecting your heart a little more closely - and making sure that you get to know a lot more about this guy before jumping back in. Link to post Share on other sites
jkl Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 I dated someone similar. She would tell me she loves me, tell me she wants to marry, tell me i am the best thing, etc, all unsolicited comments from her to me.. Then, all of a sudden she would be extrememly cold the next day. Wnat to break up for no reason. I think she used to be on some kind of anti-depressants, but not sure when or what kind. Personally, i dont care at all to try and figure these people out anymore. I went through a really crappy roller coaster ride, and still to this day have no clue of how her brain works. I think people like this should figure out sooner or later that they are messed up, and seek help before dating normal members of the opposite sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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