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Ex girlfriend stringing me along.


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Wackaflocka

Hello everyone. So i didnt speak for a day and a half with my ex gf for a day and a half past month because of all the drama in my and her life so i wanted that time to get my **** togheter before my exams. I called her after that to fix our problems and out of the blue she told me she was not sure she loves me anymore i need time and traditional BS. I was shocked, gave her some time but eventioally i told her i didnt wanna stay in this relationship because of that. She told me she couldnt give me more than friendship to which i declined immediately when we saw eachoder 20 days after our break up to which i called to arrange. I got myself some kind of closure and started moving on. The next day she blew up my phone apologising how much she hurt me by calling and texting to which i did not respond to her texts and calls. A week after that before our exam she gives me a letter out of the blue with bunch of stories when i hurt her alot in the end saying she still loves me and it hurts her alot because we broke up and wants me to be in her life.

I became enraged called her and met up with her after our exam told her to get some responsibility about our break up and stop making it look like it was my all fault. She started crying saying she is confused that she cannot trust me she was afraid to trust me. So after this talk we went for a drink she was givving me compliments. Mind and beauty at one place, you have the hottest butt in the world, i want you to **** me in the park, Youre special, Youre perfect,Blue eyes as the ocean,You have the best body. She noticed a mosquito bite on my neck she became jelly and upset telling me that ive replaced her in the matter of a few weeks. I laughed it off told her its none of her business as a joke but in the end i told her its a mosquito bite, and she still couldnt believe me telling me because thats what i tell my mom when she bruised my neck. We had a laugh after and departed.

After a few days after reading the whole letter. I realised how extremely upset she was that i deleted her out of fb immediately after our break up. I could not understand that because while we were breaking up on the phone i explained to her that i will do that for myself.

I called her on the same day told her why i was not always there hanging out with her friends, becausw i had to be with my sick mom, get my **** done for uni, and because i wanted to go somewhere just the both of us. Told her how much she has hurt me trough the relationship. Told her i felt that im taken for granted helping her with her schoolwork and thats because i acted shady, because when i bring it up " i feel like im just for work for you" she'd start raging and yelling and make me feel even worse. She told me she was not functioning for 3 weeks after our break up, she couldnt pass her exams at uni, she has problems with her life having fights in her family. She told me she wanted to effing end her life. I became worried for her and asked her for the 3rd time to "sit with the cards on the table no games no bs" to communicate our problems and solve them and that she could trust me and i would help her get trough this.

She told me she still needs time to which i replied that it has been a ****ing month of drama stress exams and that it was not fair to me and that i deserved to be with someone who knows that wants to be with me. She told me to go and be happy with my life and leave her there. I told her she haves all the time in the world to think, but i will start moving on because "youre just running me in circles". I told her to stop calling me special give me compliments giving me false hope and sttinging me along and if she wants to call me one day wity a define answer and to work things out i'd be happy, but again im not going to expect it.

Her explanation to why she still hasnt fogured out a whole month was because there was alot of drama in her life lately stress about the exams. Wanted to feel independent emotionally and with her school. Because we saw eachoder too frequently on our exams.

She was always upset and jelly of my academic succes having decent proper grades scholarships. She was always unhappy with the uni were at and it was a great pain for me to constantly motivate her give her hope and knowledge.

After our talk she started texting me again with bs accusations acting like the victim that she never made me happy etc after telling her to stop with this and take responsibility too about our break up. I texted her politely telling her that i was really happy with her altough the bad times and that i have explained myself about my absence with her friends and that i was hoping she did understand me. After 3 4 days she texted me back telling me she does understand and that she is in great pain. After a few hours i called her to quit her bull**** and to come to my face or on the phone and start communicating like a normal human being. Alas she did not answer she was probably studying for her exam that she failed.

I am extremely frustrated with this. I do care about her. I still want to work things out. But man a whole month of almost zero to none contact. After telling me she has no feelings for me and after a few weeks giving me this **** out of the blue is just confusing. I wounder if i should just leave things as they are and move one without seeking closure for the second time. Whats your opinion for this soap opera that ive got myself into. I am 99% sure that theres no 3rd guy involved because its the end of the semester with all the exams i doubt that she has the time and nerves for that.

I wanted to say her reasons of her not trusting me was because i tried breaking up with her two times in the past. Fisrt time was a couple of days after she told me she loves me becuase of a huge argument in which she went full psycho on me. Second time because she was being cold in me for almost a month. In the end of all we worked it out in the same day with me saying sorry and her saying sorry aswell. Other reason is that ive had a lot of girls chasing me in the past , but i never did hang out with them or flirt which made her feel really insecure about it.

Edited by Wackaflocka
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salparadise

tl;dr wall of text

 

Way too much drama with this one. Find someone who is secure. The hot-cold treatment is for adolescents.

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Wackaflocka

I want to. She really has abandonment issues since her father left their family and her mom passed away.

I feel some guilt in the end. I definitely did my best but i got so worn out with the responsibilities to myself and dealing with watching her being disappointed with her life for so long...

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salparadise

Take it from someone who's been around the block already... do not try to rescue broken women and expect them to be eternally grateful and turn into the person you wish they could be. It simply doesn't work.

 

It is a shame about her parents. You can't change it, can't fix it, can't turn her into a loving, emotionally stable person.

 

The reason men choose broken women is that they aren't secure in their own intrinsic value. The rationale is that since they are broken emotionally, they will accept your imperfections and be grateful for having been rescued, and eternally loyal. It doesn't work. They will see you as the one withholding the ingredient that would make them happy, and they resent you for it.

 

Choose a woman with a secure, steady, loving disposition and you'll have a much better chance. If that scares you, or if you think that kind of person wouldn't have a reason to love someone like you, then you need to work on your own sense of worthiness.

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Wackaflocka

Its really hard for me because She was my first LTR first love and i just want someone to give me hope that my second time around will be better...

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salparadise

Why do you think she'd be different? That's pure fantasy.

 

You're not paying attention. I'm not trying to sell you anything. It's your life... if you need to this the hard way, go for it.

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I tried to read your saga but after a handful of sentences it was just too much drama and chaos.

 

So let me give you some general advice that will serve you well until your last breath - set your own course and be the captain of your own ship.

 

Lead the relationship you want towards your own destinations. leave the ones that want other destinations and the ones that are capable or willing to follow you behind.

 

She is not stringing you along. You are allowing yourself to be strung along by her.

 

Stop that.

 

Set your own course, then lead and support those that choose to follow and leave the rest behind.

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I want to. She really has abandonment issues since her father left their family and her mom passed away.

I feel some guilt in the end. I definitely did my best but i got so worn out with the responsibilities to myself and dealing with watching her being disappointed with her life for so long...

 

Not your problem. Not your mess to clean up.

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Its really hard for me because She was my first LTR first love and i just want someone to give me hope that my second time around will be better...

 

read my first post up above and that is what you need to have hope.

 

It may not be your second or your third or 17th, but what you will find is that if you lead, the "RIGHT" one will follow and the wrong ones will filter themselves out.

 

Your mistake is that you are trying to make a wrong one stay with you on your journey. Stop that. Let her go so that she can follow her own course.

 

You stay on your course and pursue the life you want to have. One day you will notice that the right one is there with you and the rest have fallen by the wayside.

 

Stop trying to cram a square peg into a round hole.

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Additionally, for some reason people have this sense wired into them that their current love interest is their one and only chance at love and that if that fails, then they will have blown their one chance and that they will go through life alone and destitute only to die alone in a squalid and filthy little apartment being eaten by their cats.

 

That is a pure falsehood and it has no bases in any kind of fact. We all have countless chances and countless opportunities at love and friendship and companionship and personal fulfillment.

 

Every day is a new day, we just have to walk out of our cave and embrace it.

 

strive for living a rich and full life. Pursue your passions and do a good job of everything you do and love will be a part of that.

 

The feeling of one chance at love is some weird and inaccurate deception that we have deep inside of us. It is a weird unfounded insecurity that has no bases in fact. Learn to ignore that particular little voice. It speaks nothing but lies.

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Wackaflocka

Thank you Oldshirt for sharing your wisdom with me. I've always been purpose driven about my life trying to find meaning and joy in my life. I'm 22 and i do not have any experience nor knowledge about relationships. Although ive had numerous girls coming in my life without me having interest in them.

When she came into my life at first i wasnt that much into her because i was at a weak point in my life. She just kinda grew under my skin without me realising it because she was really persistent in having me by her side.

Did i resent myself about letting that happen? I did. I cursed myself many nights about falling inlove with her and i knew the risks, consequences and reprecussions about this love. I kinda knew that this would happen one day. Was i afraid? Mostly yes... after some time has passed after this BU i realised it was a wake up call for myself. Maybe she came into my life to teach me a lesson.

Numerous times i grew weary of our relationships we've had. Felt like a trap. I knew it we were too different i was aware of our incompatibilities, my dissatisfactions with her yet i stayed.

What ive found out is that i stayed with her because deep inside i was afraid that i would not get the woman i deserve in my life.

And after all in the end yet i still miss her. Feels like being hungry. Hopefully this is just weakness leaving the body.

Ive always been on the depressed side of the spectrum. I fell inlove with her because of her innocence and energetic and enthusiastic personality. It was just in the beginning after i found out what she was really like.

I guess my pain stems from me wanting reallity to be different to be as it is.

When i think about it. In a hypothetical world if we end up togheter what would happen.

Happy for a few weeks. Uni starts really hard subjects. She would start ranting how hard it is and how shell not pass them. Come to her house rant some more while im trying to get **** done become depressed when were done with work tell me she is tired for sex go to bed.

She comes to class furious enraged about having a fight with her grandma and me trying to calm her ass down all day lol.

Ranting about drama with her girlfriends. Being jelly about me getting a good grade or something

Ranting about me wanting to go to the gym lifting some weights. Asking her to come with me. She becomes even more frustrated. I go hit my weights she is cold on me for a couple of days.

****. This. ****.

 

I apologise for sounding like the nerd classboy, but i love my school and the place i study because it molded me and it is what kept me whole and reminded me what is important in my life.

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Wackaflocka

What i am mostly afraid is not if shell come back or not. Does she love me or bot.

My worst fear is going into depression. This place which ive been numerous times in my life though im still young and i consider that although i had my side of pain and disappointments in my life i still know there alot of people who have it worse.

I am afraid of not being able to move on and after the summer ends i will see her and there would only be heartache and pain trough the semester. I am terrified about that thought. Please offer some advice it would be greatly apreciated.

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I'll make it very simple.

 

Men do not get 'strung along'. It is impossible.

 

She is either accepting your sexual advances, or she isn't.

 

If she is, all is good. If she isn't, you move on to a different girl.

 

Anything else is just you deluding yourself.

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"Fear is the path to the Darkside. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate...leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you. "

 

- Yoda

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Thank you Oldshirt for sharing your wisdom with me. I've always been purpose driven about my life trying to find meaning and joy in my life. I'm 22 and i do not have any experience nor knowledge about relationships. Although ive had numerous girls coming in my life without me having interest in them.

When she came into my life at first i wasnt that much into her because i was at a weak point in my life. She just kinda grew under my skin without me realising it because she was really persistent in having me by her side.

Did i resent myself about letting that happen? I did. I cursed myself many nights about falling inlove with her and i knew the risks, consequences and reprecussions about this love. I kinda knew that this would happen one day. Was i afraid? Mostly yes... after some time has passed after this BU i realised it was a wake up call for myself. Maybe she came into my life to teach me a lesson.

Numerous times i grew weary of our relationships we've had. Felt like a trap. I knew it we were too different i was aware of our incompatibilities, my dissatisfactions with her yet i stayed.

What ive found out is that i stayed with her because deep inside i was afraid that i would not get the woman i deserve in my life.

And after all in the end yet i still miss her. Feels like being hungry. Hopefully this is just weakness leaving the body.

Ive always been on the depressed side of the spectrum. I fell inlove with her because of her innocence and energetic and enthusiastic personality. It was just in the beginning after i found out what she was really like.

I guess my pain stems from me wanting reallity to be different to be as it is.

When i think about it. In a hypothetical world if we end up togheter what would happen.

Happy for a few weeks. Uni starts really hard subjects. She would start ranting how hard it is and how shell not pass them. Come to her house rant some more while im trying to get **** done become depressed when were done with work tell me she is tired for sex go to bed.

She comes to class furious enraged about having a fight with her grandma and me trying to calm her ass down all day lol.

Ranting about drama with her girlfriends. Being jelly about me getting a good grade or something

Ranting about me wanting to go to the gym lifting some weights. Asking her to come with me. She becomes even more frustrated. I go hit my weights she is cold on me for a couple of days.

****. This. ****.

 

I apologise for sounding like the nerd classboy, but i love my school and the place i study because it molded me and it is what kept me whole and reminded me what is important in my life.

 

 

The reason for your turmoil is she was the leader and captain of your relationship. She pulled you into her reality and made you travel her path. She made you her b!+(h.

 

You may have dug her body and enjoyed her sexually but you were true to your own values or morals and were not true to your own life journey. She pulled you into her own problems and her own turmoil and her own drama.

 

You tried to be her white knight and tried to save her from her own drama and chaos.

 

"when a man tries to rescue a damsel in distress, all he is left with in the end is a distressed damsel on his hands."

 

- Dr Laura Schlesinger

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Release your fear and let it go. Deal with the issues and obstacles that you actually face in reality today. Don't fear that which is conjured up in your mind that haunts you in the future.

 

Wisdom is knowing the difference between what is a real life issue and obstacle in your present vs what is an imagined fear in a theoretical future.

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Release your fear and let it go. Deal with the issues and obstacles that you actually face in reality today. Don't fear that which is conjured up in your mind that haunts you in the future.

 

Wisdom is knowing the difference between what is a real life issue and obstacle in your present vs what is an imagined fear in a theoretical future.

 

Here is an example :

 

You walking down a trail in the woods and you hear hissing and rattling. you look down and a rattlesnake is infront of you coiled up and poised to strike.

 

that is a realistic concern as the snake poses an actual immediate and imminent threat if you continue your current course.

 

The logical course of action is to stop, step back out of it's strike range and then walk around the snake staying out of it's range and then continuing on your way.

 

Prudence and responsibility now tell you that you should watch where you are going and shouldn't reach blindly into any holes, cracks, crevices or under any rocks etc.

 

An irrational and conjured up fear of the future is not going into the woods because you are afraid there will snakes in there dropping out of the trees onto your head and coming up out of the ground to eat you.

 

Know the difference between a real live rattlesnake that is physically in your path in the real world vs an imagined snake that you fear might be out there.

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Wackaflocka

I am going to get trough this. In the end i will be happier than this. I will not let myself be blinded by fear. Slowly my feeling shall subside and the end i will break the chains of the wreckage i was left in. I will be free one day. I will not delude myself with the imagination of what She was and see the things as they were. I will see clearly one day not being blinded with false hope false expectations, fear, anger, denial, hatred.

After this ends i will be a better man. A better man for myself, my next one, my friends ,my family, my future offspring.

I know by writing this that its gonna be tough. There will be highs and lows. I will do my best when the lows kick in about what i wrote here. Atleast i will build some character afterall.

 

What is your best advice on how to move on ? How should i aproach this ? My past LTR was almost 1.5 years. Judging by the time we were togheter, my mindset , how much time do you think i will need to recover ?

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