Have I done the right thing [UPDATED]

[confusedone19]

Will try and keep it short. Me and by other half have been together for 5 years. There is a 10 year age gap he is 24 I and older. We both fell in love so quickly but over the last 4.5 years he has cheated on me numerous times and dumped me numerous times in the most obscene and horrible ways.

 

Nov 2015 was the last time but this time I didn’t fight it when he told me to go I just did. Then in Jan he came back to me begging me to forgive him told me he wanted to marry me I was the only one for him and he would change everything. I took him back.

 

Things have been good but last month lo and behold a female appears she tells me he has been with her he swears she was from when we broke up. Apart from that lately he just wants to be out with his boys all the time whenever were together he hardly talks to me it’s like a chore he says it’s because he is stressed and he can show it only to me but with his friends he can pretend and be happy. I look around at other relationships and feel so jealous.

 

Anyway I decided yesterday to end it I suppose in the back of my head I was hoping he would fight it but he didn’t all he said was my mind is blank I don’t know. so I walked. Now I am sitting here and I’m thinking have I made a mistake I miss him so much what is wrong with me

[Zahara]

I’m thinking have I made a mistake I miss him so much what is wrong with me

 

Fight for you? He doesn't love you.

 

The only mistake you've made is allowing a man to treat you with such disrespect. And know this, when a man like him knows that you require so little to maintain, in that you have absolutely zero self-worth, he will always come around sniffing because to him you're a very easy and convenient benefit to have in his life. He doesn't love you. What he loves are the benefits that you provide -- sex, companionship, stability, etc., while he goes out there and seeks other women to fulfill his other needs. That's all it is. And you don't love him. You self-esteem is in the tank and you're so broken by all of this that you've whittled yourself to nothing and at this point truly believe that this all you're worthy of.

 

You miss what's been familiar to you. You miss belonging to someone. But missing him DOES NOT justify going back to a man that has been utterly despicable to you.

 

If you had a best friend, daughter or sister who was going through this, what would you tell them? You'd probably knock them upside the head the first time she ever thought about taking someone like him back. Instead, you repeatedly took him back, even when he consistently exhibited no desire to change or even respect you.

 

How many times does it take for him to stomp on you before you find your dignity, stand and walk away? If anything you've taught him you'll accept just about anything, even nothing to be with him -- are you so desperate for a man that you'll stoop this low?

 

Block him from ever contacting you. If you don't, I have a strong feeling you'll be going through another round of this.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Zahara

[bummer]

Nothing's wrong with you. Right now you are single and can date more mature respectful men once you've grieved. I'd say you're doing great. Congrats on ending it again.

 

IF you take him back again, THEN you would want to discuss such issues as codependency, low self-esteem, lack of healthy boundaries, etc. But since you quit him, you're in a good place. Stay there, get better, then date someone closer to your age.

[confusedone19]

Just noticed he has removed my pictures from facebook and it really hurts

[VeveCakes]

He's 24, you are at points in your life. He's a serial cheater, don't you deserve better?

 

Yes you do. Cut all contact and start the healing process.

[Zahara]

Just noticed he has removed my pictures from facebook and it really hurts

 

You can be strong. But you have to desire it. Deep down you know that you don't deserve this and he is not someone you want in your life. You know that you've allowed him to break those boundaries too many times and you know that you should have never allowed someone to treat you so badly. You know that a person that loves you does not treat you this way. You know all this, deep down it's screaming at you -- it's just a matter of getting through this fog you're in and getting to the other side. You have to go through the pain to get to the other side but it's well worth it.

 

The only way to do that is to block him from your phone, remove him from Facebook, block his emails, etc. Cold turkey NC. Like an addict suffering withdrawals. This is you. There is no other way.

 

Until YOU make the choice to prioritize and love yourself, you'll always be in this bottomless pit.

 

Removing you from FB really hurts? What about the many times he dumped you in obscene and horrible ways? What about the times the blood drained from your body when you found out he was cheating? Yes, it all hurts. But when does all this hurt become enough for you? Like a masochist you are.

[Rainah]

Many people might say this whether or not you want to listen to it, but he is young, immature and doesn't know what he wants in life at age 24. You are both on different paths in your lives. You did the right thing to break up with him and if he comes crawling back don't give in to his game. You deserve someone who loves you and someone who is mature and knows what they want in life.

[Ensam]

Many people might say this whether or not you want to listen to it, but he is young, immature and doesn't know what he wants in life at age 24. You are both on different paths in your lives. You did the right thing to break up with him and if he comes crawling back don't give in to his game. You deserve someone who loves you and someone who is mature and knows what they want in life.

 

I don't really see what his age has to do with his behaviour. Sure - the younger, the more likely people are immature and does stupid things but cheating numerous times and dumping people in horrible and obnoxious ways as he has done according to the OP isn't a result of being young. That's a result of being a complete douche and they come in all different forms and ages.

[oldshirt]

The mistakes that you made were putting up with his bad behaviors and taking him back repeatedly.

 

This is the one time you are doing the right thing.

 

The reason it feels so odd to you is because you are used to accepting being treated badly.

[confusedone19]

Just finding it so hard I know I've let him do this and him being cold and distant now I should not bother but it hurts so bad to think someone you thought loved you would do this over and over

 

He's probably thinking he can just come back again just hoping in strong to get over this and strong enough to never take him back

 

Just so scared and lonely of being alone

[Zahara]

Just finding it so hard I know I've let him do this and him being cold and distant

 

Reality check.

 

So, all the times he obscenely and horribly humiliated you, all the times he betrayed you without ever considering your feelings -- you're surprised he's being cold and distant now? He does not care about you. He does not love you. Do not expect compassion from someone who has time and time again established zero emotions for you. I bet you haven't even blocked him because you're hoping he'll be back. Maybe invest another 5 years in this. Then post "I know I should not have let him do this to me over and over, BUT."

 

now I should not bother but it hurts so bad to think someone you thought loved you would do this over and over

 

Reality check.

 

You thought he loved you? So, everytime you found out he cheated, you translated that to love? During each and every dumping, when he obscenely and horribly discarded you, you translated that to love? I mean, if he did that once and you took him back, then maybe you had a lapse in judgment and you thought that maybe he really cared and was going to change. But 6 months out of the 5 years was the only time you had a light in your relationship -- you're equating 4.5 years of consistent (over and over) cheating and ill-treatment as love?

 

He's probably thinking he can just come back again just hoping in strong to get over this and strong enough to never take him back

 

Of course. You have established yourself as a doormat. He knows you have no backbone and that you will gladly accept just about anything because of your desperate need to have something. I hate to be harsh with you but you really need a good shake. My god, what will it take for you to have a shred of self-respect?

 

Just so scared and lonely of being alone

 

Alone? So, it would be better to be abused? It's better to have a man tear your self-esteem, confidence, strength, value, self-respect to shreds? That in your mind feels much better than learning how to be alone and striving for independence and emotional freedom? Feeling absolutely broken and used is much better than feeling empowered and self-sufficient? Heard the saying -- being alone is better than feeling alone in a relationship or you're better off being alone than being with the wrong person?

 

It would help you to seek professional help in figuring out why and what about you has made you come to this. You certainly don't value or love yourself to believe that you deserve any better than this and if you don't seek help, chances are you'll keep repeating your cycle. Invest in yourself.

 

The best relationship you can ever have is the one you have with yourself.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Zahara

[confusedone19]

Thanks Zahara your completely right and I know it

 

When I met him it was a month after losing my dad. My dad was my best friend he was quite ill and I cared for him my life was about my dad

 

I lost my best friend my world and then this guy comes in and I believe my guard was so down and I was emotionally such a wreck

 

I think I do need to talk to someone as I'm just a mess

[Zahara]

Thanks Zahara your completely right and I know it

 

When I met him it was a month after losing my dad. My dad was my best friend he was quite ill and I cared for him my life was about my dad

 

I lost my best friend my world and then this guy comes in and I believe my guard was so down and I was emotionally such a wreck

 

I think I do need to talk to someone as I'm just a mess

 

Yes, please seek help. If you had a daughter or a sister, what would you tell them? That it is okay to be emotionally and mentally abused this way? That it's okay to stay in a relationship of betrayal because being alone would be far worse? Get yourself together.

 

It took a lot for me to leave a cheater -- as soon as I found out I left. No second chance. The pain was immense. It left me broken for awhile. I can't imagine how anyone could put themselves through 4.5 years of consistent cheating and humiliation. I feel for you -- but you have to do the work and that is 1) block him 2) seek help.

 

If you don't, you're going to stay in a very dark place for a very long time.

[confusedone19]

second day and i cant stop crying. I feel so hurt and broken. I know leaving him after all he has done to me was the right thing but it still hurts so much.

 

He hasnt tried contacting me - i know why am i even surprised but it hurts as I really believed this time he had changed and that he truly did love me.

 

Doesnt help he lives round the corner I saw him last night laughing and joking with his friends like nothing had even happened

 

How can people be so cold and cruel

 

Dont know how I am going to get through this I feel so alone

[stillafool]

It's Friday. Call a friend and make plans to go out and have fun tonight. You can bet he isn't sitting around flipping his thumbs. So go out and live your life. Sitting home thinking about him is not going to help you.

[confusedone19]

i dont have anyone i gave my life to him and the friends I had where his.

 

All my friends are married or pregnant and live so far

[stillafool]

Now that is a lesson learned. Always have your own set of friends and never, ever make a man your whole life. I notice alot of women do this. Once they are in a relationship they drop their friends and pick up his; but when the relationship goes south they have no one to support them.

[Zahara]

He hasnt tried contacting me - i know why am i even surprised but it hurts as I really believed this time he had changed and that he truly did love me.

 

C'mon OP. He was cheating on you for 4.5 years, numerous times. How many of those times did you believe he changed and truly loved you? Take a pad and paper and start writing -- the bad. Journal the reality of your relationship. Journal where you went wrong. Journal what you believe should be a TRULY healthy and loving relationship. Keep reading your words to reflect truth rather than deluding yourself with what you imagined this relationship to be.

 

Doesnt help he lives round the corner I saw him last night laughing and joking with his friends like nothing had even happened

 

That's because it's happened so many times. It's gotten old and he knows your pattern. He'll likely swing by again when your emotions have settled as he knows you'll let him back in again.

 

How can people be so cold and cruel

 

He's established that the various times he's "obscenely and horribly" dumped you. This is not a surprise.

 

Dont know how I am going to get through this I feel so alone

 

Honestly, you were already alone in your relationship. When you make someone your whole life, and they leave, you are empty. This is why you need to find your independence, find comfort in your aloneness and get to a point of emotional freedom whereby being on your own is empowering and not crippling.

 

It doesn't seem like you are ready to give this man up since you are still open to his communication.

[confusedone19]

in my head I know its the best everything you say is right i just wish it didnt hurt i wish there was a button i could press that could just take these feelings away

[LostnLonely4now]

I am a guy and in the same boat as you Confusedone19, my gf of 10 years recently brokeup with me tho, and shes been out with people and pretty sure she left me for another guy..But yeah Im stuck surrounded by memories in our house and its hard to deal with things especially at night. I moved 2 years ago and been working from home and she got a job, and made friends with her coworkers and met her new man there as well. Before this it was always me and her against the world, only had each other, and now Im alone with no one and really no family. Its been over a month since we brokeup, I keep going back an forth between "I can do this" and giving up...It's not easy, but you sound young and theirs always someone to talk to somewhere, I did the same thing you did and went online.

[Zahara]

in my head I know its the best everything you say is right i just wish it didnt hurt i wish there was a button i could press that could just take these feelings away

 

Of course, it's going to hurt. The many times he dumped you and cheated on you -- it hurt. The best thing to do is accept it and know that hurt does not mean going back to him. He's can't comfort you when he is what hurts you.

 

You need to accept that he is a serial cheater and grasp the fact that you WILL never ever have the relationship you desire from him. And block him. Do you actually think even if he contacts you, it would mean he loves you? No, it only means that he's repeating a pattern of returning to you because you are a convenience.

 

When does it all become enough for you?

 

From pain comes growth. You will never be able to get past this if you keep remaining stagnant in this dead end relationship. At this point, deep down, you have to know anything is better than being in such a ****ty situation.

[confusedone19]

lostnlonely4now sorry to hear, its awful when it seems the otherside dont care i just want to see some emotion. but im stupid he has hurt me over and over again and i just havent learnt. The only difference this time I walked before he screwed me over again.

 

i'm 34 and i think part of me is so hurt that i wasted years with someone who clearly didnt care for me and now im scared that im old and by the time i get over this who will be there for me.

[confusedone19]

Of course, it's going to hurt. The many times he dumped you and cheated on you -- it hurt. The best thing to do is accept it and know that hurt does not mean going back to him. He's can't comfort you when he is what hurts you.

 

You need to accept that he is a serial cheater and grasp the fact that you WILL never ever have the relationship you desire from him. And block him. Do you actually think even if he contacts you, it would mean he loves you? No, it only means that he's repeating a pattern of returning to you because you are a convenience.

 

When does it all become enough for you?

 

From pain comes growth. You will never be able to get past this if you keep remaining stagnant in this dead end relationship. At this point, deep down, you have to know anything is better than being in such a ****ty situation.

 

You are right Zahara and through my grieving i am also trying to be strong and tell my heart and my head to never go back there. Its weird when you think you know its the right thing but when you grieve somehow you forget all the bad bits

[Zahara]

You are right Zahara and through my grieving i am also trying to be strong and tell my heart and my head to never go back there. Its weird when you think you know its the right thing but when you grieve somehow you forget all the bad bits

 

That is why I encourage you to write. Journal the bad. Journal the reality of your relationship. Journal the pain you felt everytime you found out he cheated and dumped you terribly. Revisit your writings to remind yourself. It helps reprogram your mind.

 

This ending is not a surprise anymore. You've experienced dumping after dumping. So, nothing new here.

 

Get up. Take a shower. Eat something. Lots of fluids. Go for a walk. Call a friend (even if they're married/kids) I'm sure they can spend a few minutes on the phone with you, call your mom, take a drive, do some light exercise, experiment with meditation -- don't sit there and mope and let your head keep you stuck romanticizing about him.

 

If you want to become stronger, it's going to take effort on your part. The pain is going to be there but unfortunately, you chose to put all of this on yourself. Now it's going to take courage to push forward.

[bummer]

i'm 34 and i think part of me is so hurt that i wasted years with someone who clearly didnt care for me and now im scared that im old and by the time i get over this who will be there for me.

 

you want scared? Try realizing you can't get over this until you're there for yourself. Realize no one can truly love you until you respect, listen to, and love yourself.

 

You see a pain remover button in front of you. One built on lies and fantasy. You call this guy to hookup or talk and you'll be 39 before you hit rock bottom and then who will be old?

 

There are people on here in their 50's reeling from failed xodependent relationships asking the same questions. The answer in your case is to BUILD your own pain free breakup button. You have to earn your happiness by grieving one tear and angry sob at a time. You are hurt you gave him all these years. Use that hurt to propel you forward. You have to built boundaries, cope, treat yourself like a human and a beautiful woman who deserves an equal in life. Build your own button and start filling the holes in your heart with yourself.