Soon to be divorced mom new to dating thinks "rebound" needs to be over

[2003md2]

I'm separated from infidelity on his part since June with a 19 month old.

 

I just ended (I think) my rebound (i think) relationship of about 4 months.

 

Being a separated, soon to be divorced, single mom, new to dating again, I need to talk and get some advice.

 

I'm a 32 yr old attorney gainfully employed & he was a 32 yr old truck driver though he had a 4yr science degree? who drank a lot daily, smoked & chewed (which affected his sexual ability) who shared a house w/ 21 yr old female twins (one of whom he'd slept w/ b4 he'd moved in). He slept in one room with no bed and roaches. I know, why was I with him to begin with? 2 different worlds. I was so vulnerable I wanted someone to remind me I was beautiful again & he was willing to jump right in - actually rushing me & saying I love you & buying flowers & expensive gifts & practically moving in & talking about living together right off.

 

We met on yahoo - he said he was 28 when he was 31, misrepresented his nicotine habit & said he'd be willing to date a girl as young as 18 and still I got in a relationship w/ him.

 

He called daily, cooked for me, didn't pressure me for sex (it was actually vice versa - he used the withholding it as a power thing w/ me?), was good to my baby, wanted more kids, said I love you constantly.........

 

But we aren't intellectual equals. We have little in common except he can get me to drink an awful lot when I'm with him. I had that tendency when I was single and partying but I'd been with my husband for 8 yrs & was over that. I admit that can be fun but irresponsible as a mom & especially in public w/ the kind of job I have (mostly we'd be at home though) but often around his roommates who weren't above bringing other illegal activity home.....

 

B/c of my situation I didn't let him close for a long time and when I did I got very emotional in front of him about my sadness about my ex which he resented so he broke up w/ me to punish me and "give me a wake-up call." I was very hurt and pulled back and thought about it a lot - he tried to get back together the next day. I let us stay "broke-up" though he still called me every day 2x & said I love you & we'd see each other 1 or 2x a week etc. I knew he wasn't right for me through this period and knew we wouldn't marry though he still talked of it I reminded him every time we talked that I didn't feel the same way and I couldn't love him like he loved me etc.

 

B/c of a trip - we just recently ended up being apart for a full 2wks though talking every day. That gave me some distance and I think finally let me get strong enough and let go enough to be strong enough alone so when he was unnecessarily mean on the phone last night after work and hung up on me I called back and when he didn't answer I left a message telling him that we should stop seeing each other at all. I'm trying to stick by that now since I know he's weird and wrong for me and my child.

 

He really doesn't have any friends his age that he does things with. He doesn't have any interests or hobbies. He had never even been to the movie theater in town until he took me though he'd been here for at least 10 yrs. All he does is drink, rent movies and go to bars. He owns no property, has no savings, has charged off thousands of dollars in credit card debt that he doesn't even know how to begin paying - he calls it "fixing his credit" (I'm sure it's in a lawyer's ofc somewhere and it's already gone to judgment), he's had out of state plates on his car the whole time I've known him since he never has the money to pay to get them changed, & his part of the rent is $300 which he pays in parts - late, every month. Okay, now I feel like a loser for being with him now that I've written all this down. Why is it so hard to let him go? I'm looking at Yahoo IM rt now watching him go Idle and not Idle talking to someone. What's wrong with me? Please tell me someone has gone through something similar and that I'll laugh about this in a couple months or - next week??

[shamen]

Originally posted by 2003md2

Why is it so hard to let him go? I'm looking at Yahoo IM rt now watching him go Idle and not Idle talking to someone. What's wrong with me? Please tell me someone has gone through something similar and that I'll laugh about this in a couple months or - next week??

 

It's hard to let him go because he was something, which is better than being lonely sometimes.

 

I too have done something similar (something worse): I'm a 35 yo professional with a master's degree who dated a high school drop out for over 4 years, who also abused alcohol and drugs. I feel your pain. What the hell was I thinking? Ah well, I have since moved on, finally got out of it.

 

Don't worry about him: like you said, he was rebound guy. Walk away from him, stop looking at the silly IMs that he's posting. He's not for you and you'll be much better off without him. You're better than that, to be with a man who lives with a couple of 21 year olds? Ugh. And he slept with one of them? Double ugh.

 

Girl, you'll be fine without him! Take your time with the next guy you date. Date. One date. Several different guys. Choose carefully. Only go out on 2nd dates with guys who are worth your time.

[2003md2]

Thanks for 1-upping me - perhaps I can obsessively re-read these posts instead? Guess that would be more constructive

[shamen]

Look at it this way: you've only wasted 4 months. Not a long time in the grand scheme of things.

 

And yes, I do think that obsessively reading posts here is way more constructive. I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed my time here as I get him and re-experience the dating world.

 

Post when you need to to get over this, but do not go back to this guy who's wasted your time. If you keep posting here, I'll subscribe to your thread to see how you're doing. Believe me, I completely feel your pain!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I've been separated for a month (married 13 yrs, 2 kids age 8&10). My rebound of (get this) 5 months and I had a rough weekend and almost broke up.

 

I'm an IT professional and he is a high school drop-out, although he owns his own business and does well, just uneducated. I think he has good business sense however.

 

Anyway, what he does isn't important, I just wanted to point out that I hadn't thought of it as a rebound relationship until I read your post. He was not the cause of my marriage break-up. I still love him but I think he is starting to get freaked out about meeting my kids and about the ex finding out or running into unexpectedly.

 

We still might break up (tonight maybe) and I guess I will have to accept it as a rebound. I also need to stay offline and/or just stay away from guys I meet online (that is how I met him).

[2003md2]

I'd ask myself what you want from the relationship with him and if you're getting it, fine - if you're not get out before the breakup hurts more than it will when you have more time invested. I wanted a marriage - & I didn't want that from my guy. If it helped you get through a tough time and get out of a marriage that was over it was a rebound I guess & hey - if you can handle the education difference then you can. I couldn't. Guess I could w/ more couth, class and IQ though - formal education may not be the end all quite frankly. Mine had a bio degree - he just wasn't using it and managed to escape college somehow without any ability to use a 2 syllable word and calls everything "uppity." My therapist today said I'm not allowed to talk to him anymore except to basically tell him that. I tried to explain how much I love and need him but that we just can't be together because we're so different in values and will end up causing each other more pain to stay together. I just so desperately needed "someone" to love me after my husband trampled all over me so badly and he did. He's not all bad but he does have other problems too besides the ones I mentioned before. He will go into a tirade if you bring up the idea of blacks and whites marrying and he doesn't much like otehr races doing so either (my child is 1/2 puerto rican) I also am pretty sure I caught him digging ear wax out of his ear one day with a car key and rolling it into a ball. When I confronted him he insisted it was a reeces pieces and threw it away. I went to a spa from his house and a roach climbed out of my purse. I found a roach at my house a couple months after that when he had stayed over and had my whole house treated just in case. Luckily I never saw another one. Can you tell I'm still talking myself out of this. I'm so embarassed for being in the relationship. I swear I wouldn't even let my therapist read THIS post!!! Wow. What have I done? Where is my judgment?

[shamen]

Hey ladies,

 

I don't think that the level of education is always the issue; it's more like level of living. If being at your guy's house has roaches coming out of your purse, then that's a serious issue. OMG gross! And, if he's prejudiced in any way, that's a deal breaker for me...

 

2003md2,

 

So, how did the discussion go with the rebound guy? Have you officially ended it?

 

mom-wife-cheater,

 

it's always good to be with a guy who can meet your kids and not get freaked out about it! What did you end up doing? Did you two break up?

[Anais]

People who are newly divorced often go through such relationships. I have been there. And I should tell you while it is hard to end up, after some time you totally forget the feelings you had. It is like you saw a bad dream or movie that you hardly remember. You know I am not at all sorry for that relationship. I learned how can life take you down easily.

[2003md2]

Here's updates - thanks for the feedback - this is the email I sent last Sunday (which didn't end-end it):

 

"I don't know if you'll ever read this since you didn't read the other one but I figure I should try.....

 

I don't want to tell you these things but it's only fair. I know I've already said them but I guess you don't take me seriously or think you'll change or I'll change or something.

 

You've heard me say to you in the past "How can I need you so much when I know I can't be with you?" You know I still feel that way.

 

I should have let you go when you broke up with me the 1st time and not begged you back. This time when we were both angry enough again to end it and not talk I figured we should leave it now. I didn't expect you to call the next day like nothing had happenned.

 

I want to stay with you right now the way we are. Spending a little time together, still broken up, still talking because it gives us both a friend and keeps us both from being lonely.

 

You've said if I want someone to have a casual relationship with who I won't let in and let near my son and that isn't leading somewhere that that isn't you and I have to let you know. I've told you we're broken up still and i can't promise you any of that. You hope I can in time. Maybe I can in time but probably not with you unfortuantely however much that hurts you and I hate to have to say that. There are certain things I'm not negotiable on and I've learned what they are from being with you (some of them - I'm sure I'll learn others) and one of them is a nicotine habit. I can't raise children with a parent with a nicotine habit. It's a weakness and it will kill you. I don't want to raise children that beleive that is ok because I don't think it is. It's a big waste of money. It's bad for getting pregnant. It will kill you early. It discolors teeth. It doesn't look classy. I don't want my sons doing it. I'm sorry if that is snobby. I love you. You're my best freind. I hate to see you do that to your money and your body but I don't want to raise children in front of that. I'm sorry. My purpose for dating is to find another husband. I'd like to be pregnant by 35 at least if humanly possible. I never wanted only 1 child though it may end up that way.

 

I'm also worried that your job will have you hurt and you won't be able to support a family. It's too physical kinda like being a professional football player. Too risky. I didn't know I had this opinion until I met you either but if you were my son with a biology degree I'd be disappointed to see you not using it and driving a truck doing manual labor instead. You're my friend and I just want the best for you and I don't think you're giving yourself the best from life. You could be healthier and happier if you made different choices and I can't be happy with you long term with the choices you make. I'm sorry. I love you. I love the feel of your arms wrapped around me. I love the feel of your kiss. I love the times we spend together laughing and holding hands. At the zoo, feeding ducks, playing rummy. We have a connection and a friendship and a love -- but it isn't one where we share values and mutual respect that we can build a life on. We're too different - even though we love each other - loving each other will simply cause us both more pain the deeper we get into this. I've known this for a while. I've tried to tell you and you've argued with me and said you disagree. I miss you more than you know and can't barely see the screen for crying but Cam gets smarter every day he'll miss you and start imitating the chew spitting. It's only been sporadic so as a friend it's okay - I miss you so much - you're the biggest part of my new life here alone but I have to let you go because it's not right however much pain that causes me I have to be the strongest I've ever been which isn't fair because you were helping me with my other pain which isn't all gone yet either. But that's what I have to do. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry."

 

I let my doctor read this and he said it had to be over. After this there were many more calls and he dropped off on my front porch a weeks worth of cooked meals and gifts and a card and treats for my baby etc. I returned all non-perishable portions of the gift, dishes etc. the next day to his roommates and thanked him for the food and had a tearful final conversation with him on the phone and he has now been able to say he will let me go and stay away and I have been able to not cry when I re-read the email above today. Thoughts?

[shamen]

Hi,

 

The letter sounds pretty good. You've specified that you want to be with someone that you could potentially marry and that he's not that guy. You were honest.

 

I'm glad that you've made significant steps to ending it. He obviously cares about you (the food was sweet), but you know in your heart that he's not going to make you happy in the long run. He said that he can let you go and that is a GOOD thing. I know that it may not seem like it right now, but it really is the right thing. What's the point of being with someone that you know isn't going to do it for you?

 

You want Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now. You're not even a year out of your separation yet... Maybe some of the feelings that you are feeling are leftover ones from your ex? Just a thought, I could be totally wrong. But maybe when we get into relationships with guys right after a significant relationship, somehow it seems to me that we transfer some of the feelings from the old one into the new one?

 

Have you had the time yet to grieve from your ex?

 

You'll be OK. You know deep down that this is the right thing to do... Keep going to your therapist (I've been seeing mine for several months and it's helped out a lot).

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

That was a very honest, caring letter you sent him and I'm glad you two were able to realize what wasn't there.

 

Originally posted by shamen

 

mom-wife-cheater,

 

it's always good to be with a guy who can meet your kids and not get freaked out about it! What did you end up doing? Did you two break up?

 

As for me, we haven't talked about all the issues, but "Ron" did come over finally, and get this - he came over when I had the kids and said "i don't care if you dont' care" meaning he didn't mind coming over while I had the kids. Of course, he was just the "handyman" when he came over, then we all watched a kids movie and I put the kids to bed.

 

Then we snuggled on the sofa and watched another movie. Then....the next day, my 7 yr old daughter saw me talking to a friend online and said OOhhh is that your boyfriend "Ron"? and I said NO and then a while later she was on the couch and said "ooooh is this where you and Ron were smooching?"

 

And I'm like - where did THAT come from!!! I hope she tells her dad hahahaha. I guess kids are more perceptive than we think.

[shamen]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

As for me, we haven't talked about all the issues, but "Ron" did come over finally, and get this - he came over when I had the kids and said "i don't care if you dont' care" meaning he didn't mind coming over while I had the kids. Of course, he was just the "handyman" when he came over, then we all watched a kids movie and I put the kids to bed.

 

Then we snuggled on the sofa and watched another movie. Then....the next day, my 7 yr old daughter saw me talking to a friend online and said OOhhh is that your boyfriend "Ron"? and I said NO and then a while later she was on the couch and said "ooooh is this where you and Ron were smooching?"

 

And I'm like - where did THAT come from!!! I hope she tells her dad hahahaha. I guess kids are more perceptive than we think.

 

Kids are VERY perceptive about that stuff. And I wouldn't be surprised if she tells her dad...

 

So, have you decided that you still want to be with him and accept him as the rebound? Or move on? Sounds like the first.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I do want to keep him in my life and if that's the case I will have to accept his working hours. He will be out of town alot over the next four months or so, and I will be lucky to see him twice a month. But I have alot to keep me busy, and I do love him and I know how much he loves me and this relationship is important to both of us.

 

I think the LAST thing I need is to replace him just because I'm bored or can't see enough of him.

 

I have to think long-term. He is the perfect kind of guy I would like to grow old with and retire with - we have the same dreams for this. But sometimes I think he wants this in the next 5 years, and it's going to be at least ten for me. AND we're only 40 now.

[2003md2]

Have you had the time yet to grieve from your ex?

 

You'll be OK. You know deep down that this is the right thing to do...

 

 

My divorce won't be final until summer or early fall and it still causes me great pain. My husband is still w/ OW he left me for but denies it - so never closure. I missed rebound guy something fierce last night and this a.m. but resisted calling him and resisted crying about it - not because it would have been wrong but because it wasn't feasible Last night my son was awake when I felt teary and I have felt it important during this time to keep a happy face for him to the extent I can and this a.m. I was on my way to court and couldn't have puffy eyes and wrecked makeup. A girlfriend cheered me up this a.m. and made we laugh until I didn't feel like crying. I wanted to call him so bad just because I know he cares about me and always answered the phone practically from our 1st dat "hey baby." He never called me by my name practically unless he was mad at me So am I NEVER going to talk to this person again who I slept with and told I love you multiple times a day and shared thoughts and times with? It seems so weird but so does spending my life with someone so different from me in lifestyle and values.... I miss him. I think. I'm sad. My heart hurts. It would have been easier to stay with him, but wrong for me and my child. Why can't my heart listen to my head. Why are we built w/ 2 different parts of our brain - logic & emotion?? It sure does complicate life.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

hang in there. Something wonderful, someONE wonderful will come along. Someone you deserve who will make you happy and fulfill all your needs, desires and will challenge you and treat you right.