Suddenly wants breakup after 3 years together

[sjh2156]

Hi

 

I do not know where to start, we are both around the 40 mark and best friends as well as partners, but my partner of over three years has suddenly announced that she is seriously considering ending our relationship because she is having a wobble. This was sprung upon me whilst we was planing our holiday in the sun and after we had been out for a good day with friends. I feel physically sick at the news and the discussion got very emotional. She said that she does not want to loose me and suggested we stayed good friends. But in the heat of the moment I was 100% honest and said I wanted either to be her partner or nothing at all, as I could not see how we could remain friends as I would always want more than that and the hurt would never heal in my view.

 

But she now thinks that I am being unreasonable having to make her choose between being my partner or nothing insisting we could be friends.

 

We have not spoken since the weekend and she wants till next weekend to think things over, but in the meantime the uncertainty is killing me and all I want to do is talk things through and address the issues we may have.

 

We was very good friends before we became a couple, but am I wrong to expect a clean break if she decides to end things?

 

I am feeling so confused and uncertain about things so any help or experience welcomed.

[PLT]

I think she is being very selfish wanting to keep you hanging around, possibly as her fall back option.

 

She either wants to be with you, or she doesn't.

 

If she doesn't, then it's your choice whether to stay friends or walk away.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she is being very selfish wanting to keep you hanging around, possibly as her fall back option.

 

She either wants to be with you, or she doesn't.

 

If she doesn't, then it's your choice whether to stay friends or walk away.

 

I agree with all of this.

 

What reasons did she cite for wanting to end the relationship?

[Satu]

'Friends' isn't a realistic option, and grossly unfair to you.

 

Stick to your guns regarding that.

[Rachel39]

She is extremely selfish here, how can you be friends with some one you want to be with ? Are you going to watch her move on and meet someone else and be happy for her.

 

She can't understand how you couldn't be friends because that's what she wants

 

Why does she get to say how your relationship is, it should be discussed and compromises should be made

[CarrieT]

Willing to bet she is already entertaining the idea of someone else (if she hasn't cheated already) and wants to keep you in the back-burner in case the new relationship doesn't work out.

[Zahara]

She's being incredibly unrealistic and selfish. I have to echo CarrieT in that there is probably someone else in the picture and her insistence on you being there as a friend is likely her need for a fallback.

 

She has to know that you can't expect anyone to go from emotional to platonic. She's able to do it because she's emotionally detached/detaching from you. You can't and should not keep yourself as a friend because it will only hurt you.

 

Stick to your guns. Don't stick around. You're doing the right thing.

[mightycpa]

It's not all of a sudden. It's all of a sudden to you. The planning committee in her head has been talking about this for weeks. You're just now getting the memo.

 

The bottom line for you is who cares what she thinks after you break it off? If you do it right, you'll never have to deal with her bruised feelings. You'll only have to deal with your own.

 

When you see her next, explain that how she feels about anything will no longer be any of your business or concern, and the one thing you can be thankful about is that you won't have to listen to her complain about you. That should put things in perspective for her.

Edited March 30, 2016 by mightycpa

[sjh2156]

Thanks for you all your replies.

 

You have confirmed my views and feelings, but I do not think anyone else is involved, in some ways I wish there was as that would be easier to take than things at the moment. I do not understand how can someone sit on something like this for weeks, ironically given the last couple weeks we seemed to be as close as ever and have had some of the best imtimacy and times together we have ever had.

 

At times like this we would turn to each other for support and be able to talk about anything, but at the moment even that seems impossible as she has seemingly shut me out.

 

As you say I need to stick to my guns, but the thought of loosing her and not understanding why is totally killing me inside. But I would rather have nothing than friend status, as I cannot bear to be her firend and see her move on or give her the opportunity to have a say in my life if she does not want to be my partner.

 

I am hoping she still can find it in her heart to talk about things and work through whatever issues she/we have.

[Zahara]

Thanks for you all your replies.

 

You have confirmed my views and feelings, but I do not think anyone else is involved, in some ways I wish there was as that would be easier to take than things at the moment. I do not understand how can someone sit on something like this for weeks, ironically given the last couple weeks we seemed to be as close as ever and have had some of the best imtimacy and times together we have ever had.

 

This is why there is speculation that there maybe someone else. She is likely testing the waters and needs time to decide if it's worth finalizing things with you. So she puts you in the corner and keeps you waiting while she figures her next steps.

 

Also, it's common on LS for dumpers to be loving, caring and attentive just before and ending. You often hear dumpers feeling perplexed when it is followed by a break-up. It could possibly be that the dumper is still sitting on the fence or possibly getting the dumpee off the scent of a third person, maybe guilt from knowing that they're about to dump you. Who knows but it's common behavior.

 

At times like this we would turn to each other for support and be able to talk about anything, but at the moment even that seems impossible as she has seemingly shut me out.

 

That's because she is detaching. Her attention is focused elsewhere.

 

As you say I need to stick to my guns, but the thought of loosing her and not understanding why is totally killing me inside. But I would rather have nothing than friend status, as I cannot bear to be her firend and see her move on or give her the opportunity to have a say in my life if she does not want to be my partner.

 

Yes, don't stick around. If anything it will only enable her behavior.