Crisis of Conscience, Mid-Life, Unreasonable Expectations?

[RrrrR]

I've been really struggling w/ the idea of breaking up for some time because often I find my gf very unattractive (In her case she was so great that I decided to forgo looks for something I thought would be more lasting, but it still bothers me to the point of not being able to fully give in to the relationship, though I want to) - BUT before you tell me to break up as I've seen on similar topic posts (i realize I'm not the only one with this issue), I realize the problem is mainly with me, and I'm hoping I can change. I'm in my mid-40s and as much as I want to, I usually don't find women my age attractive. I'm attracted to the same age range I have always been attracted to all my life (25-35 give or take). My current gf is wonderful in more ways than anyone I've even been with and she thinks I'm very handsome and wants more than anything to be with me and often wants to make plans for the future. As you might imagine, this makes me feel guilty as hell and I beat myself up constantly about it. It kills me that this is the stupid, shallow and vain reason I am considering breaking up, but I can't seem to make myself feel passion for her physically, and that can't be good for her. I so wish I was one of those people for whom looks don't matter or who find older women attractive. I realize that I like most people have been indoctrinated by advertising, movies, etc. and when I see those kinds of attractive women I feel an attraction that I just dont feel for my gf. However, let me be clear, t's not that I feel my gf should look like a supermodel, but I just don't feel physical desire. In fact sometimes the opposite dare I say it. And because I'm past a certain age, I know that the girls I find attractive probably aren't in my cards anymore. I so want to not care about looks. I honestly want to be happy w/ my current gf, but I can't force it and I don't know what to do. I fear that if I leave her, which seems the right thing to do in some ways, will not solve the problem on my side. I'm looking for how to solve that problem as it will come up again and again, assuming I find anyone who I am attracted to my age, or find some younger girl who wants to date an older guy 10-20 years older than her. Even if I did, what happens when your partner (or yourself) loses their looks - esp. if what you find "hot" is unrealistic for someone your age. I look good for my age, but because of this, I feel ugly on the inside. On the other hand, I didn't do this on purpose, it's just how I feel, because of society or whatever reason one wants to blame. That said I have no idea how to change, but I really really want to.

[Blanco]

It's not wrong to admit that physical attraction is a factor in a romantic relationship. Within reason, I think it's completely normal.

 

That said, if it is a deal-breaker for you, then you shouldn't stay just because you're worried about being alone. Maybe it won't be a deal-breaker for someone else. You seem to admire this person, so surely you'd agree that she deserves to be with someone who wants all of her?

[RrrrR]

Thank you for your answer, but how do I deal w/ the other part of the problem where I'm not really attracted to women my age, and feel that what I find attractive is either in an inappropriate age group (25-35) compared to my mid 40s... and that the women I find attractive is often unrealistic - I myself think so as it's based on what I see on tv, movies, adverts, and magazines - this is what we are taught from a young age to find attractive, and in my 20s and 30s I dated women I thought were hot - it feels normal and also wrong that I still think they are. but yet, despite knowing that intellectually, it's simply a physical desire I can't control. I hate this about myself. Is this something I can change? - to have a more realistic yet animal attraction?

[stillafool]

For goodness sake, please break up with your gf. She can still find a man who thinks she's beautiful. You can also find a younger woman at this point in your life. Please don't use your gf for your own selfish needs knowing you have no attraction towards her.

[Blanco]

I mean, I think being attracted to women of a certain age is something that, for most guys, stays with us until the day we croak. The (perhaps unfortunate) truth of the matter is, though, that as we get older, these women become less accessible by and large.

 

You said you're in your mid-40s. That's not tremendously older than the women you find yourself attracted to. True, many would be put off by the age gap, but it's not impossible. My most recent ex, for instance, is with a guy probably about your age and we are both in our very early thirties. Of course, most of the people we know think it's kind of gross. Sorry!

 

But, assuming you're a decent looking guy in good shape with a relatively stable lifestyle (job-wise), women of the age group you desire aren't necessarily unobtainable. Of course, you may have to reconcile that at some point, it becomes a matter of which you prefer more: The physical aspect or the stuff that goes beneath the surface that is unfortunately often lacking in younger folks.

[stillafool]

BTW it isn't just men that find youth attractive. Young men still are the most attractive to me and alot of women. I also like hard, tight bodies with smooth skin, full hear of hair and extremely virile. Women just know better.

[RrrrR]

I want to know better. but I dont know how to change.... and also it's not just that I'm with her for selfish reasons (though partly I am) - I honestly held and I guess still hold hope that something will change, that some experiences, or magic will render this problem insignificant compared to the wonderful person she is. maybe it's hard to understand as it is to explain... I actually want to be with her, and only her in all the other aspects of our relationship. i'm so torn and upset I can't even sleep turning it over in my mind and the guilt...

[stillafool]

It sounds like you don't want to let her go because then you would have nobody. So you lie awake tossing and turning as to whether to keep her or not. The relationship is already dead, let her go.

[BC1980]

If you are in love with a person, you will find them physically attractive no matter what they look like. The last guy I dated was ugly by any objective standards, but I found him physically attractive because I loved him. After the relationship ended, several people told me I was too pretty to be with him and asked how in the world I could have found him attractive. It's about falling in love with someone. When you love someone, all of their little quirks become attractive.

 

I say that you don't love your girlfriend in a romantic way. Maybe as friends.

[BC1980]

Thank you for your answer, but how do I deal w/ the other part of the problem where I'm not really attracted to women my age, and feel that what I find attractive is either in an inappropriate age group (25-35) compared to my mid 40s... and that the women I find attractive is often unrealistic - I myself think so as it's based on what I see on tv, movies, adverts, and magazines - this is what we are taught from a young age to find attractive, and in my 20s and 30s I dated women I thought were hot - it feels normal and also wrong that I still think they are. but yet, despite knowing that intellectually, it's simply a physical desire I can't control. I hate this about myself. Is this something I can change? - to have a more realistic yet animal attraction?

 

Well, most men do find younger women attractive, but does that mean you are in love with these women? You are simply talking about physical attraction. You might very well meet a 25 year old that is hot but that you don't fall in love with. I don't think it's necessarily the age of your GF but the simple fact that you don't love her. You also might very well find a 45 year old woman that you fall in love with.

[VeveCakes]

Stop watching porn and glamorized tv for starters.

[fireflywy]

You're not keeping her in the basement are you? Have your friends and family met her and if so, what do they say?

 

I ask because if THOSE people have influence regarding what you find attractive, that has got to go.

 

As for your gf, what about her do you not find attractive? Some things can be modified such as weight if you can give her a good workout partner.

[ExpatInItaly]

What exactly are you feeling so repelled by? Body, hair, skin...?

[RrrrR]

I feel so bad saying it, but it's her face - she has a pretty great bod, but she's just not attractive (I could try to explain why this or that, but generally, not aesthetically pleasing - some might say ugly, but I dont wan to be mean)... there are times when it's not as noticable, but other times, well, sometimes I feel even turned off by it. it's not how other people think that bothers me, i really dont care believe it or not. it's just when I look her in the eye, i dont feel attraction, i often feel the opposite. When I look at her body, I feel attraction.

[wow123]

Forever is a long time. Think it's time to let her go.

[ManyDissapoint]

In general I think the best relationships are between people who are close to the same level in attractiveness. If you are an in shape, handsome man who has his life together you can absolutely date younger and more attractive. It doesn't make you a bad person by any stretch.

 

However if this woman is a sweetheart and has a nice body, you might find it takes a while to meet someone equally as good for you but also with a more attractive face.

[Dylon]

How you feel isn't that unique. The fact that you are bothered so much that you need people to justify your guilt says a lot. You are really turned off by her looks. It's bad. You said she has a good body and everything else. Big plus! A lot of celebrities are with what we considered not attractive. They are ok with it. You are not. I think the problem is, I think you are holding onto her because you don't have a choice. Once you have another chance, I think you will leave her.

 

Is there anything she could do that will change your mind. I don't mean she should change to satisfy you, but sometimes, I've seen women that just don't take care of themselves. Most of the women I've been in a relationship with always do things to themselves that I find attractive. It's in their desire to do so.

 

Well, things to think about. It's hard to make this last too long with the way you feel repulsed by her face.

[RrrrR]

Hello, I've been struggling with this for a long time and I'm on the precipice of breaking up with someone who I love dearly, and who loves and respects me more than anyone I've ever known (and maybe will ever know). Of course we have problems but we are perfect together in every way but one, and I feel so horrible that it's the case. She was never very attractive, but with age, I feel unattracted to the point of killing the romance. In my desperation, I've wondered (hypothetically) if I were blind, would there be no problem? Then isn't then the problem with me? Can I get past this somehow? I really hope so, but I don't see how.

 

But there are two problems:

1. Generally speaking, I'm not attracted to women my age (mid-40s)... but I'm no spring chicken either, and I feel this focus on looks is getting in the way of real love. But how do I change it? I know it's wrong, but I watch movies and see such beautiful women, or at the gym, or on the street, but I know it's unrealistic to find that in reality, esp. at my age - and anyway, as importantly, who's to say they could hold a candle to my current relationship in terms of personality? And with age "Beauty Fades" they all say. I know it intellectually, but how can one control the women we have always been attracted to all our lives?

 

2. The problem I described at the beginning, but this isn't just that I expect her to be a 10, or something crazy like that... In this case it's that I find her to be unattractive, as horrible as it is to admit out loud.

 

I am deeply bothered by the fact that I am on the verge of throwing away an amazing person because of something so shallow, and maybe anyway I wont be attracted to anyone the way I was when I was in my 20s and 30s and was with girls my age. I'm not sure if you guys do, but I don't know how to feel that sexual passion I feel for older women that I do with women that in the end, I realize I've always been attracted to. I'm just older now and somehow I should have adapted I guess, but here I am... I guess I'm too visual a person and I hate it!

 

I'm lost and sad and frustrated and don't know what to do.

[Steven1]

While looks can play an important part, they should never be the basis of any relationship. Physical attraction only goes so far. If you say you love her dearly, then clearly you love her as a person if you aren't physically attracted to her. I think you need to look as this in perspective.

 

You say that you don't generally find women of your own age category or there abouts attractive, and chances are you won't find someone overly younger than what your current age is. You say that you know yourself aren't in your own opinion the best of looking people , so even if you were to leave her...there are no guarantees anyone would go after you rather than you after them.

 

I think you are looking at it completely the wrong way. If she has a great personality, and everything about her as a person you love, then how she looks etc shouldn't change that. When I was with my ex I would have liked to have thought that should something horrible happen to me at any point that changed my appearance, that she would still love me for who I am, not what I look like.

[stillafool]

When you say she is not attractive, are you talking about weight, wrinkles, the way she dresses, or just the body of a woman in her 40s?

[kztar]

I really think that the main problem lies in where you state that she was never physically attractive. This is a huge red flag from the start as with time, even the most attractive woman will fade.

 

My advise will be to look at it from a different perspective.

[elaine567]

She was never very attractive

 

Beautiful women have always existed, so how did you get past the fact your gf was never really that attractive from day one?

What drew you to her in the first place?

[Steven1]

As Kztar said... you said she wasn't very attractive to begin with.. but something lead you to be with her, so there must have been some form of attraction there...

 

To put it into perspective, even I told my ex girlfriend that I know there are many,many better looking men and more intelligent men around her on a daily basis..., but she still found me attractive for who I was...I think you need to try and look beyond the physical barrier... you wouldn't have stayed with her this long if it was THAT much of a problem..

[RrrrR]

I agree w/ you 100%, Steven1, but how do I make that the case? What can I do to let go of this? I feel intellectually I understand, but something keeps bothering me about it and I feel powerless to change it...

[RrrrR]

Stillafool, she actually has a very nice figure, but I hate to say it, it's her face, bone structure, teeth, wrinkles - when she smiles I sometimes say to myself, poor girl, she's not blessed in that way. I feel bad for saying it, but I'm trying to be brutally honest.