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Attachment style & abandonment


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Hey guys

Very new to the forum, have just been dumped a second time around. We were together for 2.5 years, had a painful breakup and then after about 8 months when I was moving on he flew from another state to be with me again, rocking up on my mothers door step and then to my house with about 70 roses. Our relationship has always been tumultuous but there are times of absolute stability. We moved back in for another year but it took me a good 4 months to let him back in and fall in love with him again. I started Uni in that year and have done quite well but I continued to binge drink every now and then which in combination with him being unable to communicate our issues were never resolved and fights would escalate and he felt criticised and I felt like I wasn't being understood. He's very successful career wise which I looked up to and is a very dependable person whereas I'm less rigid, make friends easier but am intelligent by his own admission and my uni marks. I knew we were having communication issues and I think he brings out or amplifies a negative attachment style in me, maybe disorganised which really freaks me out. I've never felt as comfortable with him as I have with another human being and this is after quite a few relationships. I'm 32 and he's 36. I was told by him after a certain arume that he doesn't understand how someone can talk to him the way I do. But it's a combination of frustration then resentment at being unable to resolves issues that heightens my emotions. I'm distraught once again I've been dumped and forced to move home, we are still in contact but he seems to have broken the relationship of because of anger rather than not caring. Stupidly breaking no contact got me a message of "I am over the love of my life criticising me and putting me down" I never really was putting him down, only when we couldn't resolve issues. I think being dumped has brought up feelings of abandonment and our relationship would have required at least a psychologist. But I feel like I may have lost the only person who would be able to deal with someone with attachment style issues. I do love the guy but he is a little closed off but it kind of worked with my issues. I've started seeing a psychologist but I can't help but feel like I'm the broken one and whether he's just testing me once again. I don't think relationship should be attempted 3 times let alone twice but I'm back where I was a year ago, unable to cope while he's holding it together or seems to be, until I get messages to suggest he could be purely acting out of hurt.

Sorry for the ramble, feels cathartic to get it out of my head.

Cheers

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I'm new to this forum as well. You wrote a mouthful. In my opinion, I think you need to focus on yourself, making yourself complete. Seeing a psychologist is a very good step. When you enter a relationship, you don't want to go in dragging the other party down with your issues.

 

You are still young. People hook up and marry at all ages. Don't think there is no one else there for you. I don't know the future, but the main thing is taking care of yourself. Then invest in the people (famiy & friends) you surround yourself with. Then focus on other relationships.

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Thanks for the response, no paragraphs doesn't help things in my OP.

I agree I have quite a bit of work to do. And becoming a hermit isn't helping.

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OP, to clarify:

 

You state you didn't put him down, then in the same breath you said you did do so only when you couldn't resolve issues. Which is it?

 

Can you elaborate on what kinds of things you said to him? That would help us understand his mindset a bit more. Also, you say his style worked with your attachment issues - but it didn't. You broke up twice; that indicates you didn't mesh that well. This is not a bad thing to realize, as it means there is room for improvement in terms of choosing a better partner for you.

 

Keep focusing on yourself. It's great that you're working with a psychologist; I'm a big fan of professional support when it's needed. You're not broken so quit telling yourself that. Everyone has issues to a certain extent. The most important thing is that you are proactively addressing them and learning to become a healthier and happier version of you!

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