Dealing with contrasting days

[anonymousbear00101100]

I'm 3 weeks post break up, and I'm not really sure how to feel anymore. Yesterday I was great. I was talking to girls and hanging out with friends until the wee hours of the morning. There was a point where I thought about her and I realized I hadn't thought about her in hours. I fell asleep immediatley, without even the thought of her in my mind.

 

But today. Oh boy. I can't stop thinking about how much fun we had together, how much love I gave to her, and how I wish I never chose a college 2 hours away. I don't even know if I still want to be with her, she treated me bad and was a pretty awful girlfriend, but I just want to reach out and talk to her and get everything off my chest. I know I'm a great guy and I'll find a really great girl, but as of right now I just can't stop thinking about her. How do you all deal with the bad days? Do you put more merit into the bad or the good? Because right now this seems insurmountable when yesterday I thought I was over her

[anonymousbear00101100]

I should add that I know I can never be with her again since this was breakup number (don't laugh) 4 and were long distance and she's an awful girlfriend 70% of the time. I plan to remain no contact, but I've been writing letters to her and deleting them, which seems to be maybe some form of not letting go.

[Nickr3023]

I'm 3 weeks post break up, and I'm not really sure how to feel anymore. Yesterday I was great. I was talking to girls and hanging out with friends until the wee hours of the morning. There was a point where I thought about her and I realized I hadn't thought about her in hours. I fell asleep immediatley, without even the thought of her in my mind.

 

But today. Oh boy. I can't stop thinking about how much fun we had together, how much love I gave to her, and how I wish I never chose a college 2 hours away. I don't even know if I still want to be with her, she treated me bad and was a pretty awful girlfriend, but I just want to reach out and talk to her and get everything off my chest. I know I'm a great guy and I'll find a really great girl, but as of right now I just can't stop thinking about her. How do you all deal with the bad days? Do you put more merit into the bad or the good? Because right now this seems insurmountable when yesterday I thought I was over her

 

It's gonna ebb and flow a lot over the course of the next few weeks/months/ or even years. I guess it all depends how long you guys were together. Going no contact is the best possible thing to do even though it seems like the most difficult. I've been NC with my girlfriend now for 2 weeks. Last week I felt good, the left side of my brain, the logical one saw all the flaws in her and why she just wasn't good for me. Now this week the emotional side of me is only remembering the good times we had and how much I miss having her in my life. It's all just apart of the process. Everyone has vices, and I certainly wouldn't recommend drugs or alcohol to relieve the pain, because I know that's not the answer.......but sometimes it helps to get you through even if it's just a couple hours of relief.

 

On bad days, I try and talk to as many people as I possibly can. I don't have health insurance so I unfortunately can't afford to go to a therapist as much as I know it would help me. Whenever I think of the good times, I try and force my mind to counter it by saying how poorly I was treated, and all those times I felt inadequate with the way she spoke to me. Unfortunately there's no sure fire way to give someone advice as everyone thinks and heals differently. Wish you the best of luck, and read as many of these stories on here as you can, it helps to know that people are going through the same exact situation as you are. They say misery loves company for a reason.

[Silver_star]

Alcohol or drugs doesn't help you deal with the pain. Sorry you have chosen that route Nick.

That is not dealing with it. If you want to deal with it, allow yourself to feel the emotions of sadness, loneliness, pain. It is an unfortunate part of life. Staying NC is good, and also removing them from all communication platforms for the time being.

Stay busy with friends, hobbies, and when the feelings of missing her come. Talk about it, write about it either in a journal or here on LS. These are very normal feelings, and so many people are going through the same thing. So you can take comfort in the fact that breaking up is part of life and will lead to something more rewarding down the line. You will get through this.

[Nickr3023]

Alcohol or drugs doesn't help you deal with the pain. Sorry you have chosen that route Nick.

That is not dealing with it. If you want to deal with it, allow yourself to feel the emotions of sadness, loneliness, pain. It is an unfortunate part of life. Staying NC is good, and also removing them from all communication platforms for the time being.

Stay busy with friends, hobbies, and when the feelings of missing her come. Talk about it, write about it either in a journal or here on LS. These are very normal feelings, and so many people are going through the same thing. So you can take comfort in the fact that breaking up is part of life and will lead to something more rewarding down the line. You will get through this.

 

Unfortunately I have gone that route, but not too deep. I have a prescription for xanax and tramadol (painkiller for my shoulder and elbow but severely helps my moods). I haven't done any illicit drugs since the breakup, but I understand the need for just wanting to feel numb for even just a little while. I have a difficult time because I live alone, and also own my own business so I work from home by myself. If I don't have any plans at night, it makes me an awfulllllllll long time to be alone when the last thing you want to do is feel lonely.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Alcohol or drugs doesn't help you deal with the pain. Sorry you have chosen that route Nick.

That is not dealing with it. If you want to deal with it, allow yourself to feel the emotions of sadness, loneliness, pain. It is an unfortunate part of life. Staying NC is good, and also removing them from all communication platforms for the time being.

Stay busy with friends, hobbies, and when the feelings of missing her come. Talk about it, write about it either in a journal or here on LS. These are very normal feelings, and so many people are going through the same thing. So you can take comfort in the fact that breaking up is part of life and will lead to something more rewarding down the line. You will get through this.

 

I do like writing all my feelings down, often times as letters to my ex. However, every 6 days or so, I get this feeling of "I should really send this to her" and in a giant moment of weakness I copy/paste and hit send, only to be rejected pretty quickly. Then I realize how dumb I am, that I actually really don't love her, and how I'll never make that mistake again.

 

But alas, it is day number 6, and I'm getting that itch to tell her that I still want to be with her (which I'm not even sure if that's true). I smartly haven't messaged her because I have blocked every possible method. I'm just worried that if this feeling lasts any longer I won't be able to stop myself.

 

And even though I in fact haven't messaged her, my brain still feels like I have, and I have that nervous lump in my throat as if I'm waiting for a response. I know I shouldn't send anything, it's just getting harder and harder to resist.

[Nickr3023]

I do like writing all my feelings down, often times as letters to my ex. However, every 6 days or so, I get this feeling of "I should really send this to her" and in a giant moment of weakness I copy/paste and hit send, only to be rejected pretty quickly. Then I realize how dumb I am, that I actually really don't love her, and how I'll never make that mistake again.

 

But alas, it is day number 6, and I'm getting that itch to tell her that I still want to be with her (which I'm not even sure if that's true). I smartly haven't messaged her because I have blocked every possible method. I'm just worried that if this feeling lasts any longer I won't be able to stop myself.

 

And even though I in fact haven't messaged her, my brain still feels like I have, and I have that nervous lump in my throat as if I'm waiting for a response. I know I shouldn't send anything, it's just getting harder and harder to resist.

 

I guess the best way to look at it is....what do you hope to accomplish by messaging her? Are you hoping that she misses you? Are you hoping she doesn't? If you're indifferent on if you want to be with her....trust me, you don't. It's just routine and comfort, it's easier to deal with than pain and suffering. Every time you want to write out a note to her, go find something else to do.....I tend to try and find articles to read. A site I found to be very helpful in times of crisis is Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In They have a lot of great articles for post break up and more importantly how to better yourself and look past all these things that are weighing you down.

[Silver_star]

Nick:

You can feel numb by doing other things. Its an emotional process. You don't have to drink and do drugs. It really just destroys your body and does not make you feel better. I understand how feeling nothing could feel better than feeling sadness, but I would argue that you will have to feel the sadness eventually anyway, and by that point how far rock bottom do you want to be?

 

 

rjblak:

I understand the urges.

You have to be strong. Get away from a computer or technology for a while if you need to. Go for a long ass walk outside. Spend your time in the gym, or doing work.

 

 

The letters are good in practice, but write them down and then delete them or send them to yourself and not to her. The rejection will not get any easier. Meanwhile she is getting to sit back and ignore you, while moving on to the next stages of her life. Don't feel bad she is ahead of you, she had more time to come to this stage. You will get there.

[Nickr3023]

I feel the sadness, it's constantly there. It's starting to shift from the sadness of losing her, to the sadness of falling for someone that was so wrong for me. That my heart took over so much that it completely shut my brain out. I know I'm actually doing better than I did the first time we had broken up because then I didn't eat, I couldn't work, I constantly longed and hoped that she would be back. Of course she did come back, but in the end, I wish that she hadn't.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I guess the best way to look at it is....what do you hope to accomplish by messaging her? Are you hoping that she misses you? Are you hoping she doesn't? If you're indifferent on if you want to be with her....trust me, you don't. It's just routine and comfort, it's easier to deal with than pain and suffering. Every time you want to write out a note to her, go find something else to do.....I tend to try and find articles to read. A site I found to be very helpful in times of crisis is Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In They have a lot of great articles for post break up and more importantly how to better yourself and look past all these things that are weighing you down.

 

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think I do want her to miss me and want me back in her life. Right now I have all of these great memories of us together, and I just want to make that happen again. It just sucks since we broke up over distance mostly because she couldn't handle it, and I just want her to want to still try. The longer I go without her, the more helpless I feel to the situation. That's why just about every week I feel the urge to reach out and see if she's changed her mind. Today and yesterday I miss her so much, when the previous days I just felt anger and hate and ambivalence towards her. Ideally we could be happy together, but I know neither of us were. That doesn't mean we didn't have a lot of fun together, though.

[Nickr3023]

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think I do want her to miss me and want me back in her life. Right now I have all of these great memories of us together, and I just want to make that happen again. It just sucks since we broke up over distance mostly because she couldn't handle it, and I just want her to want to still try. The longer I go without her, the more helpless I feel to the situation. That's why just about every week I feel the urge to reach out and see if she's changed her mind. Today and yesterday I miss her so much, when the previous days I just felt anger and hate and ambivalence towards her. Ideally we could be happy together, but I know neither of us were. That doesn't mean we didn't have a lot of fun together, though.

 

Yeah you're going through the constant left/right brain struggle. The left side sees things logically while the right side is straight emotion. This is all a matter of control. You feel that if she tells you that she misses you, now you're in control of the situation. Trust me I've been there. My ex and I split for a little while because she wanted to try and make it work with her husband again (she was legally separated, if you want you can read my mess of a story). For 2 months, we would go back and forth on who missed each other more, when I said it last, I felt completely helpless, when she told me, I felt empowered. You're going to miss the good times, it's normal......but don't forget the bad things. Don't forget all her flaws, all the flaws in the relationship that got you to this point. If everything was perfect.....you'd still be together. Eventually you'll look back on those good times and see them as just that, good memories. Right now though, they're like daggers to the heart. Just make sure you try and use the logical side of your brain to help explain why things are where they are now. If that makes sense.

[anonymousbear00101100]

rjblak:

I understand the urges.

You have to be strong. Get away from a computer or technology for a while if you need to. Go for a long ass walk outside. Spend your time in the gym, or doing work.

 

 

The letters are good in practice, but write them down and then delete them or send them to yourself and not to her. The rejection will not get any easier. Meanwhile she is getting to sit back and ignore you, while moving on to the next stages of her life. Don't feel bad she is ahead of you, she had more time to come to this stage. You will get there.

 

I think my biggest problem is that I still feel as if she isn't moving on. I still feel like she misses me, which I know is arrogant and entirely untrue. Maybe it's because I don't think we should have broken up in the first place, and I just feel helpless to the situation. I'm always someone who can talk my out of a situation, and I was able to talk my way out of the last three breakups (I know, I should get a hint), but now I just feel so powerless.

[Nickr3023]

I think my biggest problem is that I still feel as if she isn't moving on. I still feel like she misses me, which I know is arrogant and entirely untrue. Maybe it's because I don't think we should have broken up in the first place, and I just feel helpless to the situation. I'm always someone who can talk my out of a situation, and I was able to talk my way out of the last three breakups (I know, I should get a hint), but now I just feel so powerless.

 

That's exactly what happened to me. I talked my way out of 3 breakups in the last month and finally she ended up cheating and I didn't bother after that. It's all a pride and ego thing for guys, even for us that don't have an ego. It's still a shot to your pride when a relationship fails for whatever reason. You want to believe that this person needs you and wants you, and it's difficult to accept that they don't. You seem to have answered your own problems within one paragraph. You said you think she misses you, you don't think you should have broken up, but you talked your way out of breaking up 3 times. I can see your head is all over the damn place, which is certainly understandable.....but just reread what you wrote over a few times and it'll help it make a little more sense.

[anonymousbear00101100]

That's exactly what happened to me. I talked my way out of 3 breakups in the last month and finally she ended up cheating and I didn't bother after that. It's all a pride and ego thing for guys, even for us that don't have an ego. It's still a shot to your pride when a relationship fails for whatever reason. You want to believe that this person needs you and wants you, and it's difficult to accept that they don't. You seem to have answered your own problems within one paragraph. You said you think she misses you, you don't think you should have broken up, but you talked your way out of breaking up 3 times. I can see your head is all over the damn place, which is certainly understandable.....but just reread what you wrote over a few times and it'll help it make a little more sense.

 

I just wish I could take my own advice. I know she's moving on and I should do the same, but I also know she has always had so little control over her life, and she makes decisions that she regrets all the time. I guess I just feel like she made a mistake doing this, and she feels the same way but just doesn't want to admit it. I don't know how many times I have to ask her the same things and get the same response from her to get it through my brain. She doesn't want to be with me anymore, and accepting that is nearly impossible right now.

[Nickr3023]

I just wish I could take my own advice. I know she's moving on and I should do the same, but I also know she has always had so little control over her life, and she makes decisions that she regrets all the time. I guess I just feel like she made a mistake doing this, and she feels the same way but just doesn't want to admit it. I don't know how many times I have to ask her the same things and get the same response from her to get it through my brain. She doesn't want to be with me anymore, and accepting that is nearly impossible right now.

 

Isn't it funny how I'm sitting here giving you advice on how to get over someone and move on and feel better about yourself......yet I my friend sit in the same boat as you do, with one oar simply paddling in circles. It's always so easy to look at someone's problems and offer what sound like such sound and concise advice, but when it comes to our own problems which are essentially the same damn things.....we feel completely lost and powerless. Part of the human mind that I'll never quite understand. Seems like you have a little bit of the same issue I have.....a savior complex. When you say she makes decisions she regrets, sounds like you want to be there to help fix them. I was the same way with my ex. She was just coming off a divorce of 10 years, and she used to lean on me for comfort and support and I felt great because I felt like I was helping her. In the end, all I was doing was masking and distracting her from ever truly dealing with her feelings. Once our little honeymoon stage disappeared and she realized that it was completely over with her husband, that comfort disappeared and so did our relationship. It's a difficult lesson to learn, and one I'm still struggling with this minute.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I guess I haven't really even considered whether I still want to be with HER. I think maybe it's just an ego thing and that I want her to still want me more than she wants any other guy. She didn't always treat me great and I wasn't happy a lot of the time.

 

But also on some level I really wish we could be happy in our relationship even though it's proven time and time again it doesn't work. I want all the fun and good times we had, just take out all of the crap that didn't work. I think it would have worked out had we not gone to different schools, and that just kills me on the inside. The distance is what made it fall apart, and I just wish she was willing to put in the same work that I was to keep it together.

[Nickr3023]

I guess I haven't really even considered whether I still want to be with HER. I think maybe it's just an ego thing and that I want her to still want me more than she wants any other guy. She didn't always treat me great and I wasn't happy a lot of the time.

 

But also on some level I really wish we could be happy in our relationship even though it's proven time and time again it doesn't work. I want all the fun and good times we had, just take out all of the crap that didn't work. I think it would have worked out had we not gone to different schools, and that just kills me on the inside. The distance is what made it fall apart, and I just wish she was willing to put in the same work that I was to keep it together.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20 and you can play that game the rest of your life. I should have done this, if I had done this things would have been different. Fortunately though, you're very likely wrong. Things probably still would have ended up the same way. Just keep remembering, she didn't treat you that great, and you weren't happy a lot of the time. When she was happy and attentive, you were happy....when she was miserable or withdrawn, you were withdrawn. This may not apply to you, and I know it's a really long read, but man it really helped me a lot. I'd never felt more connected to an article in my life. Maybe it'll help shed some light for you too.

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

[Silver_star]

I guess I haven't really even considered whether I still want to be with HER. I think maybe it's just an ego thing and that I want her to still want me more than she wants any other guy. She didn't always treat me great and I wasn't happy a lot of the time.

 

But also on some level I really wish we could be happy in our relationship even though it's proven time and time again it doesn't work. I want all the fun and good times we had, just take out all of the crap that didn't work. I think it would have worked out had we not gone to different schools, and that just kills me on the inside. The distance is what made it fall apart, and I just wish she was willing to put in the same work that I was to keep it together.

 

I understand the wanting someone to want to be with you more than someone else. Like part of me that was holding on that my ex would come back to me, because he knew no other girl was going to be as good as me. That would have felt great, but it was not meant to be.

 

The whole "distance" thing is just an excuse. It may have been a challenge but when two people really want to be together, that wont be the cause of the BU. It wont. It hurts when one person was willing to put in the work and the other person isn't, but that's because they were not 100% committed to it.

 

 

Another excuse is "you deserve better" I had to deal with that in the breakup, and all that means is that they don't love you anymore.

[anonymousbear00101100]

 

The whole "distance" thing is just an excuse. It may have been a challenge but when two people really want to be together, that wont be the cause of the BU. It wont. It hurts when one person was willing to put in the work and the other person isn't, but that's because they were not 100% committed to it.

 

This is 100% true. I want to be with someone who is willing to do anything for me, even long distance, because I'm willing to do anything for them. It just hurts so bad knowing in the end she'd rather be with someone based on proximity rather than personality. I think I'm an amazing guy that any girl would be lucky to have, and none of these other guys she's talking to will ever be as great as me. But also I don't think that at the same time.

[Nickr3023]

This is 100% true. I want to be with someone who is willing to do anything for me, even long distance, because I'm willing to do anything for them. It just hurts so bad knowing in the end she'd rather be with someone based on proximity rather than personality. I think I'm an amazing guy that any girl would be lucky to have, and none of these other guys she's talking to will ever be as great as me. But also I don't think that at the same time.

 

Hey if you feel that way after a break up, use that because that's impressive. My self esteem, self worth, and confidence have taken a complete nosedive. I've had friends go as far as to break me down in dating terms telling me how amazing I am......but I just don't feel or see it. So if you have that feeling that you are amazing and some girl would be lucky to have you, use that to your advantage and I'm horribly jealous of that.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Hey if you feel that way after a break up, use that because that's impressive. My self esteem, self worth, and confidence have taken a complete nosedive. I've had friends go as far as to break me down in dating terms telling me how amazing I am......but I just don't feel or see it. So if you have that feeling that you are amazing and some girl would be lucky to have you, use that to your advantage and I'm horribly jealous of that.

 

Of course I don't always feel like I'm an amazing person. Sometimes I kick myself for all the mistakes I've made or look at myself in the mirror and think I'm just horrendously ugly.

 

Sometimes I find it helpful to say the exact opposite of standard confidence inspiring techniques. Saying "I'm an awful person and nobody could ever love me", helps me start to realize that it's a crock of ****. Of course somebody can still love me, and of course I will find an amazing woman I want to be with in the future. I truly believe, deep down, I am an amazing person and I'm going to find someone I want to spend my life with in the future. Self confidence often comes in waves, it's all about finding out what you truly believe about yourself.

[K2z]

Alcohol reaches a point of diminishing returns. At a certain point being drunk just doesn't alleviate the pain, especially if the relationship is definitively over(as mine is- she got married within six months of walking out my door).

 

What alcohol "was" good for, for a while, was transporting me to the 'Land of Maybe...' that place in the mind where it becomes more easily plausible that she is agonizing over me in the period of no contact, reading and re-reading the letter I wrote, and that her silence is best interpreted as "not no."

 

So in my case I am trying to taper what has been a six month long massive spike in alcohol consumption-- simply because it no longer effectively medicates the pain.

 

I will confess, I do have a few weeks of doctor prescribed sleep aid/anti-anxiety meds that I take before bed, and I really look forward to that daily dose. I call it "meds o'clock" --- my little window of peace.

[Nickr3023]

Alcohol reaches a point of diminishing returns. At a certain point being drunk just doesn't alleviate the pain, especially if the relationship is definitively over(as mine is- she got married within six months of walking out my door).

 

What alcohol "was" good for, for a while, was transporting me to the 'Land of Maybe...' that place in the mind where it becomes more easily plausible that she is agonizing over me in the period of no contact, reading and re-reading the letter I wrote, and that her silence is best interpreted as "not no."

 

So in my case I am trying to taper what has been a six month long massive spike in alcohol consumption-- simply because it no longer effectively medicates the pain.

 

I will confess, I do have a few weeks of doctor prescribed sleep aid/anti-anxiety meds that I take before bed, and I really look forward to that daily dose. I call it "meds o'clock" --- my little window of peace.

 

I agree that long term, alcohol and drugs are NOT the answer. In moderation I find both of them to be helpful. You say they bring you to the land of Maybe, for me it brings me to the land of the present. I'm not focused on the past and what I lost or thinking about my ex, I'm not thinking about the future and the fear that I'll never find someone that will compare to her in so many ways, I find myself just living in the moment doing whatever it is I'm doing....whether it's being out with friends, watching a movie, doing work (I work for myself, my boss let's me do whatever I want), or taking care of things around the house. I'm certainly not telling anyone to go out and get blasted every night, drive home, then cry in their driveway, or to start snorting kilo's of coke.....but if you find something that helps you deal with whatever it is you're dealing with.....who are we to judge and say, nope that's wrong!