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Will he ever come back? Do exes come back?


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Relationship lasted 5 years, almost 6. From age 15-20. He initiated the breakup because he said he wasn't happy and didn't love me anymore even though I've had multiple friends tell me that he still loves me and has other issues because he isn't happy with himself. We had our future planned out together, but it looks like he wants to be a single college guy and go play the field a bit..

 

I did everything for this boy. Cooked, cleaned, did laundry, helped him with college work, stay committed, and loved him unconditionally. He tended to put things like alcohol, partying, and video games above me. I am way more mature than he is and I've been told that multiple times.

 

I was just curious to know if it sounded like he will ever try to come back in my life when he goes and gets his fun out now that he's free to drink and party all he wants. I know we're only 20, but I really thought I would get to marry my high school sweetheart. My friends, family, and his friends said that I'm the type of girl he should have held on to because of my beauty, intelligence, personality, and the fact that I have a direction of where I want to go in life. (Mind you I'm feeling quite ugly in all aspects after having him break up with me..)

 

So I dunno. He cried a lot when he broke things off but has stayed NC in the month we've been broken up, as have I. We have a lot of mutual friends and live in the same town. So it's nearly impossible to completely erase him from my life..

 

I was just wondering if he might pop back into my life at a later time? If he may realize that he made a mistake? I seemed to have been hurt throughout the relationship and break up and things seem to be going well for him despite all of the things he's done. He tried cheating when he was drunk on a few occasions and always took me for granted. I was the best I could be but it still wasn't enough..

 

Help?

Edited by QB912
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He might. He might not.

 

You can waste a lot of time waiting and wondering though.

I think you will come to realize that you can find a much better man for you in the time you might be waiting for the old one who didn't know a great catch when he had one.

 

You are young. Give it some time and go out with your friends. Pursue your hobbies and passions. You may find you have no interest in going back to that guy if he did come back. Who wants someone who doesn't want them back just as much?

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This question is hard to answer because most will say he won't and some will say maybe. Honestly, if he left you in the first place, probably not. I wouldn't wait around for him to come back, rather get on with your own life. My ex and I just split up a little bit ago and while her reasoning for doing it I can understand, I do find myself wishing she'll contact me when she is done with school, etc. But am I going to sit around waiting? Absolutely not.

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I rather doubt he'll be back, to be blunt. I say that because these highschool-sweeatheart relationships so very rarely last beyond a few years. People grow and change so much in their teens and twenties, and it's not uncommon for couples to grow apart and want to date others. Your personaltiy evolves, what you want in a relationship changes, and so on. In time, this will ring trur for you too.

 

And really, it doesn't matter very much what his friends or family think. They aren't him and cannot speak for him. You sound like a very kind and well-intentioned girl with a big heart. It's great that wanted to help him out so much; just make sure to find a balance next time between being lending a helping hand and mothering.

 

It's not to say with absolute certainty he will never come back. But I wouldn't hold my breath for it. Start a new chapter for yourself and rediscover your friends, hobbies, goals.

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I don't think he will be back. He's only 20 and will want to experience other girls. You say you are way more mature than him so maybe he needs a younger girl who's mindset is the same as his at his age. Friends generally tell you what they think you want to hear because they don't want to see you hurt. If he told you he wasn't in love with you anymore believe him. He knows himself better than your friends. Telling someone you no longer love them isn't easy so I definitely think he meant it.

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I'm so sorry you're hurting. I doubt he'll come back - the two of you want completely different things from life.

 

Reading this post and your others, I just need to point out that this seemed to be a very odd match from the beginning. He prioritises partying over you and you've been OK with that. He's kissed other girls and you've forgiven him. You even do his domestic work for him!! Sweetie, you were getting walked over. You shouldn't have been doing his domestic work and it's appalling that he'd even accept you doing it all. The way you treated him meant that he learned no responsibility. In short, your boundaries are poor.

 

I don't aim to slam you when you're down, but I just hope that you will use a different approach with future boyfriends. Don't accept being treated as less that you feel you deserve. And don't ever get into the habit of waiting on a guy hand and foot again. Very bad.

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I'm so sorry you're hurting. I doubt he'll come back - the two of you want completely different things from life.

 

Reading this post and your others, I just need to point out that this seemed to be a very odd match from the beginning. He prioritises partying over you and you've been OK with that. He's kissed other girls and you've forgiven him. You even do his domestic work for him!! Sweetie, you were getting walked over. You shouldn't have been doing his domestic work and it's appalling that he'd even accept you doing it all. The way you treated him meant that he learned no responsibility. In short, your boundaries are poor.

 

I don't aim to slam you when you're down, but I just hope that you will use a different approach with future boyfriends. Don't accept being treated as less that you feel you deserve. And don't ever get into the habit of waiting on a guy hand and foot again. Very bad.

 

Totally agree with the above.

 

OP, I just read your other thread. This guy was on his way out for a while and has disrespected you for a long time. He kissed another girl, secretly texted other woman and tried to elicit sex from one? (that you know of)

 

Good heavens, girl. You need a good dose of self-respect and dignity. And much stronger boundaries. This relationship had apparently been unhealthy for a while and trust me when I say that he's a tool. You enabled him far too long. It doesn't feel this way now, but he did you a huge favour.

 

Love isn't staying with someone after they cheat - that is codependency and poor self-esteem speaking. You are capable to doing so much better than him.

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The ONLY time exes come back is when you could care less if they do.

 

In this case, you're better off if he never does.

 

That is actually true. They seem to have some 6th sense.

 

I was utterly broken over a relationship a long time ago. It consumed me. Every waking thought was of him.

 

Then one day a few month later a text alert tone woke me up in the early hours of the morning. I looked to see who it was from. I saw it was from that ex. I tossed my phone aside and didnt even bother to read it until morning. I was disinterested in what he had to say.

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I feel so stupid for not having walked away when I should have two months ago. I trusted that he would truly change, and that was just wishful thinking on my part. I feel like a doormat right now.

 

At least you all have been honest with me, and I appreciate that. I just got so wrapped up in a future with someone when I probably shouldn't have. I'm just going to focus on graduating college and head to graduate school. Dating can wait.

 

I feel so used. And I never told anyone about the things he did because I tried to protect him when he didn't want others knowing. I'm such an idiot.

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In all honesty, no he won't. 15-21 is an age where so many changes are happening, hormones are raging. 5 years is a long time but when it's from 15-20 you can guarantee too many changes will take place for the majority of people to stay. You are young. You will move on too.

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Best way to not look weak. Don't contact him, don't let him see what you're doing, let him guess. Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it.

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How do I show him that I will be okay without him? I don't want to look weak anymore.
Disappear. That's exactly what "without him" looks like.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's the worst thing to hear because I HATED it when people said it to me - but you will get through this and you will be a stronger person for it. And well done for staying NC! It's really difficult, especially straight after a breakup, so you should be proud of yourself.

 

Now, about hoping he will come back.

I think it's natural for almost everyone to feel this immediately after a breakup. I certainly did and it took me a while to let go of the hope. I spent a few weeks certain that he would regret it and beg for me back.

There is nobody that can tell you for certain whether he will be back. Maybe he will, maybe not.

Even if he did come back, it could be 20 years from now. Do you want to waste that time postponing life and pining for someone that would leave you? I highly suspect your answer to that would be no.

If he comes back.. would you be able to be happy? Or would you be worrying that he could change his mind and leave again? He tried cheating..would you be able to trust him not to do this again?

 

Your best option is to continue NC and fill your life with things that make you happy - hobbies, friends etc. Focus on making yourself happy, do all of the things you may have stopped having time for in the relationship. By staying NC, you show that you can live without him (which you can!) and that you won't lower yourself to chasing after someone that hasn't valued how special you are.

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How do I show him that I will be okay without him? I don't want to look weak anymore.

 

You're still too attached to his opinion of you. Girl, believe me when I say that it just doesn't matter to him. You need to stop trying to prove yourself in any way to him.

 

Stop basing your actions around what he will think. Start basing them around your needs and well-being.

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This thread got me thinking about all of my exes and brought back some long forgotten memories.

 

One ex rang me up randomly several times over the next few month trying to get me to meet him ...presumably to hook up.

 

One ex sent his mother round to my door with a birthday gift for me, no warning, nothing. Just one day, boom she rang me to check I was in and came to my door. Why the heck would I want a birthday gift from a man who had lied to me and cheated on me and why didnt he have the balls to come himself and give it to me. He cheated on me and made her his GF, why was he even thinking of me?

 

Another ex, shortly after breaking up, dropped a Christmas gift off at my office. Again why bother.

 

They've all done something....but it doesnt necessarily mean anything.

 

With the boyfriend dropping a birthday gift off via his mother I was so shocked I just took it without saying anything. Because I had gone no contact. If I hadnt been so shcoked I would have told her to get off my doorstep and take the gift back home with her.

Edited by Amelie1980
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I'm weak right now, I'll definitely admit that. He's all I've known for the past 5 years of my life. It's been a month and I don't see it getting easier anytime soon. I'm trying to push forward as best as I can. It's hard.

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