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it was toxic, but after a two month break we are back on


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we both started off the first year of our relationship and she was depressed and lost, angry and had issues getting really verbal and mean with me. I on the other hand, grabbed her multiple times, lied to her and sort of quit trying at one point in the relationship because it got so bad. She checked out and started seeing someone she worked with. she was a HUGE manipulative bitch about the whole thing, and at one point she said she wanted to work on things and i gave her another chance and she ended up seeing him again and I caught her. She tried to explain that the insane love we had before was gone and she was scared to give up this new seemingly "good thing" for a broken relationship with a man ( me) that obviously wasn't going to change. I didn't deserve to get burnt so bad, and she admits it, but after I caught her I went silent for weeks. She persisted and apologized. desperately tried to get ahold of me, and finally sent me a text saying that if i wanted her to stop, to at least give her some closure because she still wanted to see me. I finally confronted her, and we ended up hanging out and basically, something we both changed is that we have totally jumped at the chance to renew our faith in god. She works at a rowdy bar and has struggled with alcohol in the past, but was raised in a christian environment. suddenly, she seems so ready to move forward in a healthy way ( when we broke up the person she turned into scared me. she began drinking a lot and went back to her old habits. I prayed for her and her family was worried, and intervened.).. Now we have spoke, and she has told me that she tried and tried and just couldn't help feeling like the love we've had is irreplaceable and if we can stop the habits we had before, and we believe that with God we can, that things will work this time around. I'm scared because I know she is capable of lying, and last time she said she wanted to try things, she was lying and still seeing someone else. Big red flag, BUT, the way she describes it is she was really lost, and confused, and realized that this bar she works at, and the people who are around her there are bad influences, and she wants to quit, has started a bible study with her awesome sister, and brother, ( who have been the most amazing people to her and the family and are happily married)..... thing is my GF and I brought everyone into our drama and it was a bad bad break up. now everyone hates me from her side, and visa versa. I've already told a few people that we are going to be seeing each other and we had an adult conversation and are working on things and to respect that. I just am worried that she is just saying these things. But she is saying the things she said before 6 months ago or so when we were really good. ( that she wants to start a family with me, and that she has and still does see a future with me. She's finalizing her divorce, and after just a few days of us being back, she's talking about how this time around things just feel different and she's really stoked about me finding god. Im honestly taking my faith very seriously, and would love to start a family with her. despite the fact that our relationship at the end was very toxic. things just seem more straightforward this time, except that I don't trust her like I used to. She's professed and apologized and we've talked, and seem to just be genuinely ready. but I have this voice in my head reminding me that she is capable of lying. whats to say she isn;t this time.

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This relationship sounds pretty toxic. I suggest you guys should break it off and just work on your own issues while single before you're able to have a healthy relationship.

 

Another thing to note, once a trust is broken in the relationship, it's extremely hard to get it back.

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we both started off the first year of our relationship and she was depressed and lost, angry and had issues getting really verbal and mean with me. I on the other hand, grabbed her multiple times, lied to her and sort of quit trying at one point in the relationship because it got so bad. She checked out and started seeing someone she worked with. she was a HUGE manipulative bitch about the whole thing, and at one point she said she wanted to work on things and i gave her another chance and she ended up seeing him again and I caught her. She tried to explain that the insane love we had before was gone and she was scared to give up this new seemingly "good thing" for a broken relationship with a man ( me) that obviously wasn't going to change. I didn't deserve to get burnt so bad, and she admits it, but after I caught her I went silent for weeks. She persisted and apologized. desperately tried to get ahold of me, and finally sent me a text saying that if i wanted her to stop, to at least give her some closure because she still wanted to see me. I finally confronted her, and we ended up hanging out and basically, something we both changed is that we have totally jumped at the chance to renew our faith in god. She works at a rowdy bar and has struggled with alcohol in the past, but was raised in a christian environment. suddenly, she seems so ready to move forward in a healthy way ( when we broke up the person she turned into scared me. she began drinking a lot and went back to her old habits. I prayed for her and her family was worried, and intervened.).. Now we have spoke, and she has told me that she tried and tried and just couldn't help feeling like the love we've had is irreplaceable and if we can stop the habits we had before, and we believe that with God we can, that things will work this time around. I'm scared because I know she is capable of lying, and last time she said she wanted to try things, she was lying and still seeing someone else. Big red flag, BUT, the way she describes it is she was really lost, and confused, and realized that this bar she works at, and the people who are around her there are bad influences, and she wants to quit, has started a bible study with her awesome sister, and brother, ( who have been the most amazing people to her and the family and are happily married)..... thing is my GF and I brought everyone into our drama and it was a bad bad break up. now everyone hates me from her side, and visa versa. I've already told a few people that we are going to be seeing each other and we had an adult conversation and are working on things and to respect that. I just am worried that she is just saying these things. But she is saying the things she said before 6 months ago or so when we were really good. ( that she wants to start a family with me, and that she has and still does see a future with me. She's finalizing her divorce, and after just a few days of us being back, she's talking about how this time around things just feel different and she's really stoked about me finding god. Im honestly taking my faith very seriously, and would love to start a family with her. despite the fact that our relationship at the end was very toxic. things just seem more straightforward this time, except that I don't trust her like I used to. She's professed and apologized and we've talked, and seem to just be genuinely ready. but I have this voice in my head reminding me that she is capable of lying. whats to say she isn;t this time.

 

People can certainly change and I wish both of you the best, but based on what I read it doesn't sound like you two have/had a healthy relationship. Maybe this was because of the circumstances you described and now that you're both committed to changing it can work, but I've been in that situation before and it didn't work out for me. And you know, what it wasn't all because of the other person's bad decisions and toxic behaviors. It was also because on a few levels we were just oil and water, and despite the strong feelings we had for each other the relationship wasn't sustainable.

 

That's kind of what I'm reading here. Strong feelings. Joyous highs, crushing lows. Generally, when I hear people talk about how those kind of peaks and valleys relationships it indicates a toxic, unstable dynamic, and that could be for a variety of reasons, but I doubt it's good for you.

 

Also, you said yourself that you trust her less. I understand why you might feel that way considering what you've experienced, but I'll just say this... It's not a good sign if you don't trust your partner. Also, it's not really fair to her to try to reinitiate the relationship with less trust.

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