After 20 years - now alone for 4 months

[asbms18]

He has moved out almost four months ago.We were married for 20 years. Turns out he had a relationship with a friend of mine for quite some time before he left.She is 20 years older than him.

He served me with divorce papers. It will all be over at the end of March.

 

We have four children ( 19,18,14,11). My 14 year old daughter is especially hurt. He used to talk to her about the Bible and how people are so permiscious now. She just told me that she does not believe in God anymore because of what has happened.

 

I just saw my ex a few days ago while I was driving. My heart jumped and my whole chest tightened.I miss him.

 

How long will it take to get over the pain!!!

I hate being alone.I know I have my children and I will be there for them but 20 years down the drain is a long time.

I feel like I am in a daze and just gojng through the motions, kinda numb.

At times _ I feel like what the hell is life even worth living. There is all this pain and not really anymore joy left.

 

I can't see the good in any of this?Why???

[quankanne]

[color=red](((HUG)))[/color]

 

my heart goes out to you, A ... I can't imagine having to go through something like that after investing such a huge part of your life with someone. As bad as it is right now, you've got to remember that things will get better, simply because they must.

 

I can't see the good in any of this?Why???

 

maybe not right now, but I've come to see that God's graces come to us when they're most needed, and that you realize what to most need to know when it's "meant" to be revealed.

 

being an outsider, I could probably tell you, "you're rid of a jackass like him, someone who obviously doesn't understand the meaning of a promise/vow he's made, and probably never will." but that doesn't solve anything. I could maybe say that through this adversity, you're going to discover just how strong you are, possibly in a way you'd never thought of before. But that's not what you need to hear ... at least right now, anyway.

 

I do know this: the only way to get past your grief and hurt is to have to go through it. As bad as it is on the outset, it tempers you into who you are meant to be.

 

She just told me that she does not believe in God anymore because of what has happened

 

that's one of the few things that really, really saddens me: how people can ruin someone else's relationship with God. Her daddy has no power to do that, only your daughter does. God will remain true, even when her daddy isn't. It's understandable that she's upset with God, but she needs to understand that it's misplaced anger – it's her dad that she needs to be expressing her hurt and disappointment to ... because HE'S the feckless 'ho.

 

At times _ I feel like what the hell is life even worth living. There is all this pain and not really anymore joy left.

 

yell, scream, cry, make a dartboard with his photo as its target -- anything, just promise yourself that you won't do anything self-destructive. Your husband doesn't deserve that kind of hold over you. Instead, look into counselling to help you pick up the pieces in a fashion that you can deal with. It'll take time, but it will be well worth it.

 

I know you miss him ... and rightfully so. However, you need to concentrate on building your self-identity and self-esteem up so that you can walk with your head held up high. Again, it'll take time, but you can do it because you are a very special person.

 

quank

[brashgal]

Did you find out about the relationship between them right before he moved out or had you known about it for awhile? That would be two great shocks at the same time (his leaving and discovery of the affair). I ask because I was in a similar situation although I knew about the affair a couple of years before I asked him to leave so I think I was more emotionally ready to let go.

 

It takes time to grieve the end of the marriage, to come to the realization that life won't be the same and time to build a new life you will be happy with - and yes, you'll be happy again but it takes some work. Life is definitely worth living, for you and especially for your kids.

 

See the good in it? I try not to look at it that way - dissolution of a marriage (and a family) is indeed a sad thing and probably didn't 'need' to happen but...it did. You move on and you make a new kind of life.

 

I think both you and your 14 yo would benefit from counselling. I agree with Quank, your daughter needs to place her anger with her father, not with God. It's probably hard for you to help with this as you are too close to the situation and you have your own anger and grief to deal with.

 

I'm here for you thinking positive thoughts - I know you can do this. There are a lot of us on this board who have been in your situation who can provide advice and comfort. Keep reaching out as you need us.