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Break w/ Fiancee. She Had Sex with Coworker


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So my fiancee and I had been together for 3 1/2 years up to this point and for the large majority of that time everything was absolutely perfect. But over the past 6 months, we went through a lot of hard life transitions from moving cities, to finding jobs, to adjusting to life when both of us are working 8-5 jobs. Now, there was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship. We loved each other and let each other know that every single day. However, it wasn't perfection like it used to be. We stopped having sex for months at a time even though I was absolutely crazy about her and would basically beg for it. She told me it hurt her, and she got medical attention for that, so I tried to be patient and didn't push.

 

She started her new job when we arrived in this new city and she sat next to a guy at work. The work is boring, so they talked a lot. I never thought it was more than a normal work friend. We even hung out together a couple times and it seemed platonic. Suddenly, out of nowhere, they begin texting and hanging out basically 24/7. She stopped making time for me and our conversations became empty as she spent all her time talking to him and thinking of him.

 

Finally, she admitted that she has feelings for him. She insists that she still loves me, but she likes him too and she feels passion for him for a number of reasons including that they relate because they both have depression. I can't relate to this and she said its a huge relief to talk to someone who understands that part of her mind. I tried so hard to do whatever I could to bring the passion back, but over the course of several incredibly emotional conversations we decided to take a break. Less than 48 hours in, she tells me that she had sex with the other guy and she feels terrible about it. Of course, I'm in absolute shock, so we reconnect and have another few talks.

 

She still isn't willing to push him out of her life to make room for me and now we are resuming the break. Except this time it's even harder because I know for a fact that she is having sex with this guy. She promised our bed was sacred, but I can't continue to picture my ex-fiancee having sex with this guy that I have met. I'm supposed to be patient and wait for the passion to come back for her and to let her do her thing, but every time I go to bed all I can think about is this dude having sex with her.

 

Am I wrong to wait for this? I still love her, but am I being foolish that her being able to explore and be free will bring back her passion for me?

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It might, it might not.

 

But is it ok that this person you love is treating you this way? (It's not)

 

For now, she's out. Process that and remember to breathe. You'll be ok, it's going to take some time, but just breathe for now.

 

What are your living conditions, are you living together still?

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And having done the co-worker thing myself, I cannot imagine that this will last.

 

And it's poor judgement on their part too. Assuming their employer doesn't know about it, don't some companies have policies that don;t allow for this sort of thing.

 

Hang in there.

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Foolish.

She can in no way reconnect with you while she is connecting and sleeping with him. She wants to hold on to you just in case.

 

Cut your loses and move on without her, right now she is moving on without you, while keeping you on the hook.

 

RUN

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It might, it might not.

 

But is it ok that this person you love is treating you this way? (It's not)

 

For now, she's out. Process that and remember to breathe. You'll be ok, it's going to take some time, but just breathe for now.

 

What are your living conditions, are you living together still?

 

Im staying with friends, but she is still living in our old condo.

 

She insists that she wants to get back together at the end of this, be happy, get married, and all of that. It's just so hard to believe that when she's having sex with someone else.

 

Should I just be patient and wait for guilt to set in for her? Or should I continue to fight and let her know that I can't possibly accept just sitting idly by while I know she's having sex with another person. I feel like even if we got back together, just knowing that she did this for a period of time would kill me.

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You should tell her that she can screw this guy until the cows come home and they can compare their depression 24/7 but if that's what she wants then tell her to move in with him because you don't want her at your place.

 

All she's doing is playing both ends to the middle and your falling for it. Keep doing it and it will get worse.

 

Let her know that she made her choice and now she has to live with it. Put the ball in her court and stop playing her silly games because your going to get burnt big time if this continues.

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Listen, I just went through something similar though we had already broken up but were living under the same roof.

 

I made it was too easy on her like you did and moved out. I totally regret it now. I am making her pay for half of my costs though.

 

She needs to understand there are consequences for treating you disrespectfully. Tell her to go live the other guy and get back into your place. Do it!

 

You don't deserve this.

Edited by makemineamac
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Listen, I just went through something similar though we had already broken up but were living under the same roof.

 

I made it was too easy on her like you did and moved out. I totally regret it now. I am making her pay for half of my costs though.

 

She needs to understand there are consequences for treating you disrespectfully. Tell her to go live the other guy and get back into your place. Do it!

 

You don't deserve this.

 

Well the problem is, her parents bought us the condo so I can't exactly take the condo.

 

I'm beginning to think that I've been duped into being her safety net while she has sex with this guy and does whatever she wants.

 

I'm thinking of giving her a week of NC to process and then tell her that I don't think we can ever be together again knowing that they've been having sex for months. Make her choose me that second or walk out the door.

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Sure sounds that way.

 

Look. I got almost all of my stuff out of our condo last weekend, and only have to return next Sunday when she is not there to take the bed, so minimizing my interactions with her as much as possible, you should do the same. I would encourage you to look for a permanent place as I did and plan on going there.

 

She's a cake-eater it sounds like, you're simmering on the side in case she needs you. You can't and won't be that guy.

 

Act.

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She doesn't really deserve any notice. Just make the decision and do it. When and if she ever comes back is when she should find out.

Well the problem is, her parents bought us the condo so I can't exactly take the condo.

 

I'm beginning to think that I've been duped into being her safety net while she has sex with this guy and does whatever she wants.

 

I'm thinking of giving her a week of NC to process and then tell her that I don't think we can ever be together again knowing that they've been having sex for months. Make her choose me that second or walk out the door.

Her parents bought the condo for the both of you? As in put you on the title too, or do you mean the parents bought it for her, and made it sound like it was for the both of you? If you're on the title, believe it or not, you have some options, whether or not she cooperates, assuming you live in the US.

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It's probably impossible right now, but is this someone you really want to marry? You even admit to yourself that if you got back together that what she did, and continues to do will haunt you.

 

She knew this would hurt you, and she did it anyway, and carrying on doing it, knowing it hurts you. Yes she has you on a hook, as a backup, in-case things don't work out for her and this guy. Do you really want to be her 2nd choice.

 

She doesn't have sex with you due to some medical issues, but these issues miraculously disappear and starts having sex with this other guy.

 

She has made him a priority, with her time, mind and body. And she relegated you to the bottom, keeping you as a back-up. Being on a break doesn't give someone licence to sleep with other people. Who say's your suppose to be patient? she's sleeping with another guy. You should have told her it was unacceptable from the moment you found out.

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Man...you need to get the ring back and sell it. Then as another poster put it, let them compare their depression 24/7. You CAN NOT accept that behavior. Do accept that the relationship is over, take a vacation, and be happy knowing she is someone else's problem now and be thankful you found out before the wedding. Remember this woman lied to you, cheated on you, and left you. Do you think this qualifies as someone who would be a good wife to you, since they failed the gf stage? Don't be her doormat or just another option. Take charge of your emotions and put them behind you. You need to have a clear head in order to get past this.

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greenleaves54

Get out of this now my friend! Show her you're not accepting that behavior!

 

If she wants to have sex with some other loser she lost the privilege of having any form of contact with you!

 

Right now she does not respect you at all. Even if she comes back your relationship is bound to fail. You NEED to get out and she needs to come crawling back begging you for another chance. That's the only way your relationship can ever work again. Or most likely you'll find someone else who's better than her, but right now you have to stop this break and get out of the relationship. Send the message right now.

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You have allowed her to erode your boundaries. This is not Hollywood, none of this bull**** is acceptable. I could write volumes about this kind of girl. If you're on the title to the condo you can exercise those rights in a couple of ways. I imagine the parents probably foresaw this and didn't put you on.

 

She is ****ing this dude in your bed. Grab the rest of your stuff and never speak to her again.

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She insists that she wants to get back together at the end of this, be happy, get married, and all of that.

What the hell man? And you are OK with that?

 

What do you think she would say if you told her you were off to Vegas for a month with another woman, and that you would be back in a month? I guarantee you would find the door slammed behind you and never opened again.

 

SO why are you allowing your "fiance" to get away with this? Have you no self-respect, no backbone? You honestly want to get married to a woman who thinks it's perfectly OK to have sex with another guy and then come back to you as though nothing happened? Do you really think someone who would do that, is good wife material??

 

Should I just be patient and wait for guilt to set in for her?

No, you should first get all your stuff, then tell her that you never want to see/hear from her ever again.

Edited by PegNosePete
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When things like this happened to me, I thanked the Lord and do a fist pump for not actually going through the marriage and saving myself from further nightmares and heartaches by losing kid and going through divorce.

 

As for the woman who just cheated and ruined my inner soul for a second, I'd work on deleting this being from my heart/brain/memories and making sure she never comes back in there, ever. You didn't **** up, she did. Her hard lesson to learn. She just lost the best thing. You also have a very clear message from the sky telling you this wasn't the right one and that with due time you'd find a better one who has some sort of decency.

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Do not go through with this marriage. She chose to walk away. Sorry, but I very much doubt she is going to suddenly decide she wants you again after sleeping with this other guy. She fell out of love and unforunately he was right there to catch her. Even if she does have a change of heart, she didn't love you enough to work through this rough patch together. It's already over.

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So remind me why she isn't your ex-fiancee and your ex-girlfriend?

 

What is SO AWESOME about her that you'd be willing to wait for her to finish cheating on you so that THEN you can get married and "be happy"?

 

Seriously.

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So remind me why she isn't your ex-fiancee and your ex-girlfriend?

 

What is SO AWESOME about her that you'd be willing to wait for her to finish cheating on you so that THEN you can get married and "be happy"?

 

Seriously.

 

Yeah seriously, she could **** out golden poop and I'd not stay another second.

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She still isn't willing to push him out of her life to make room for me and now we are resuming the break. Except this time it's even harder because I know for a fact that she is having sex with this guy. She promised our bed was sacred, but I can't continue to picture my ex-fiancee having sex with this guy that I have met. I'm supposed to be patient and wait for the passion to come back for her and to let her do her thing, but every time I go to bed all I can think about is this dude having sex with her.

 

Am I wrong to wait for this? I still love her, but am I being foolish that her being able to explore and be free will bring back her passion for me?

 

OP, I doubt that any passion will come back for you unfortunately. (How do you know for sure she's continuing sex w/the other guy btw?)

 

I have to ask - what do you bring to the relationship? It sounds like she's found everything she wants in the other guy so I'm wondering what the remaining draw to you is. Do you support her financially for example? If so, that's no reason for you to pursue a marriage in these circumstances.

 

If you're not actually losing anything tangible thru this and you're deeply committed to her regardless and she's genuinely interested in keeping you in the picture for no shady interests like money, you'd have to do a gut check and see if you're the kind of guy who can handle an arrangement like this. Frankly it sounds like you're not, what with the sex grieving and so on. But that's for you to decide.

 

Either way I wouldn't actually get married with this being the state of affairs. It's one thing to have a no-strings-attached relationship but marriage is full of strings and you'd be the one getting burned.

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Well the problem is, her parents bought us the condo so I can't exactly take the condo.

So let her have it.

 

I'm beginning to think that I've been duped into being her safety net while she has sex with this guy and does whatever she wants.

Yep. Sounds like it.

 

I'm thinking of giving her a week of NC to process and then tell her that I don't think we can ever be together again knowing that they've been having sex for months. Make her choose me that second or walk out the door.

Why give her one week? Why give her one minute? And why would you even want her after she has treated you this way?

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I somehow missed your following posts that already answered some of these questions OP, sorry.

 

OP, I doubt that any passion will come back for you unfortunately. (How do you know for sure she's continuing sex w/the other guy btw?)

 

I have to ask - what do you bring to the relationship? It sounds like she's found everything she wants in the other guy so I'm wondering what the remaining draw to you is. Do you support her financially for example? If so, that's no reason for you to pursue a marriage in these circumstances.

 

If you're not actually losing anything tangible thru this and you're deeply committed to her regardless and she's genuinely interested in keeping you in the picture for no shady interests like money, you'd have to do a gut check and see if you're the kind of guy who can handle an arrangement like this. Frankly it sounds like you're not, what with the sex grieving and so on. But that's for you to decide.

 

Either way I wouldn't actually get married with this being the state of affairs. It's one thing to have a no-strings-attached relationship but marriage is full of strings and you'd be the one getting burned.

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Horrible position to be in OP, the reality is this girl hasn't done anything wrong - you were on a break (I'm assuming the terms were sleep with anyone during the break) so you have to look at the situation from above.

 

 

She decided after all the time and effort you'd put in, she'd be happier with someone else... let her find out truly if this is the case by moving out, moving on and never contacting here again. Make sure before you cut all contact to get your stuff back, then never ever reach out to this woman in the future and personally, I wouldn't take her back if she begged and if you think marrying her will change her perspective, you'll find out the hard way it won't.

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Dude, after she told you that she slept with him and felt horrible about it, you two got together for another round of talks. Even though she slept with this guy and felt horrible, she refused to give him up. However, she had NO PROBLEM continuing with this "break" that you're on with her. So, let's simplify that. She won't give the other guy up, and she kicked you to the curb. So, out of the two of you, which one do you think she puts more of a value on?

 

 

If she was actually in love with you, the FIRST time would have been so devastating that she wouldn't want anything to do with this other guy for fear of losing you for good. Also, another thing she wrote set me off when she told you that the bed you two shared together was sacred to her. The key word here is WAS. I wouldn't count on it being sacred anymore. And is that supposed to make you feel better?!?!? It still doesn't change the fact that she was intimate with someone else after she promised herself to YOU!!

 

 

Dude, here's the rub. She made a choice and unfortunately it wasn't you. Do not give her an ultimatum because those NEVER work out in your favor. She made a choice and that was to have YOU out of HER life so she could pursue this other douche rocket that KNEW she was in an engagement. She let this happen because this was her choice. You don't need any further closure. So, you give her exactly what she's asking for. For you to be gone.

 

 

If I were you, I would start notifying friends and family that there will be no Wedding. If you put money down on a venue for a reception, I would try getting that back. The same of florists or photographers or the Church. Start cancelling it all. Collect up the money you've already invested and take a trip somewhere. Relax, decompress and re-energize. If you still have things at her place, go over there when you know she's at work and get the rest of your stuff. When you got it all, leave the key in the mailbox or the table (and ONLY the key. No soppy notes or letters along with it). Make sure you do a change of address so your mail stops going there. If you have joint accounts, get your name off of them. If you have your name on any other bills you share jointly, get your name off of them as well.

 

 

Then, you start a HARD NO CONTACT (NC) on her. Block her on facebook and unfollow her on ALL of your social media. Do not call her, text her or email her. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. If she texts or emails, IGNORE IT!!! If the texts and calls won't stop, then think about changing your number. You need to disappear from her life completely! This is going to help you heal and move on. This will help you distance yourself from her so you CAN heal. This is NOT a punishment to our Ex's. And besides, how could it be? This is what she wanted! You're just making it very easy for her.

 

 

It's time to move on, dude. You may not see it now, but you dodged a bullet.

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seekingpeaceinlove

Does the bolded make any sense to you? She wants to get back together and marry you someday but for now she really wants to F*ck some other guy that she has "passionate" feelings for...

 

If the roles were reversed do you think your gf would sit and wait for you while you explored a relationship with someone else? If you told her that, as soon as you both agreed to a break, you had sex with this other person...do you think your gf would wait around until you had your fill?

 

Doen't make any sense, does it?

 

If she really loved and respected you, she would let you go because the situation is incredibly unfair and painful to you. Your girlfriend is the very definiton of SELFISH.

 

Her telling you that she still wants to get together and get married to you eventually is just the guilt talking. Your gf has already jumped ship...you need to move on too.

 

What she is doing to you is not love. You deserve true, selfless MUTUAL love. You will not find in with your ex.

 

Stay strong.

 

 

 

 

 

Im staying with friends, but she is still living in our old condo.

 

She insists that she wants to get back together at the end of this, be happy, get married, and all of that. It's just so hard to believe that when she's having sex with someone else.

 

Should I just be patient and wait for guilt to set in for her? Or should I continue to fight and let her know that I can't possibly accept just sitting idly by while I know she's having sex with another person. I feel like even if we got back together, just knowing that she did this for a period of time would kill me.

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