Pregnant ex fiancé left country

[Jamesearl]

So I've been struggling with this for a while and got so low I considered ending it all. I'm above that now but still very sad about things and feel like each day is tortuous and have a very hard road ahead.

 

Long story short

Me UK Citizen, ex fiancé dual national US/UK.

We planned a baby and she got pregnant in February after a few months trying and we got engaged in May. She was very happy at that point and would post often on Facebook loving messages etc so I've no reason to doubt she wasn't happy and especially as we discussed engagement for a while and she said yes.

 

Anyway late May after I returned from a two week business trip to the U.S. to get us relocated there (at her request - we were going to go on marriage visa) she left me a few days later. It happened to be the same day after I came out of some routine surgery to add extra emotional pain. It seems while I was away for a couple weeks something changed and she decided to quit the UK, her job, everything here and just move back to the U.S. with our unborn baby. The behaviour is 100% different to anything I'd have expected and I would have never this scenario was completely impossible before it happened as would our friends.

 

So for 4 weeks while she worked her notice she moved out and occasionally contacted me and stayed over. She implied she'd maybe just got for a couple weeks to US and come back and she initiated sex a few times with me too. Logic was telling me otherwise and emotions were telling me this is your future wife and mother of your child and if she says she's coming back regardless of the circumstances she will. Fast forward and she's been gone for 5 weeks now in the U.S. While I've been in the UK. I found out the sex of my baby on Facebook after she threw a huge party without telling me. To find out I'm having a boy in this way hurt a lot. Then she changed her Facebook status to single and tried telling me we're not not together and then couple days later said she wants to go seperate ways. Then a few days later I get messages saying she wants to work stuff out and whenever I've tried to setup a FaceTime call she's either busy or ignores it. Then we cycle through this a few more times and occasionally I get a text how she loves me and needs me in her life along with the baby and again as soon as I try make contact in response nothing. I release now she's playing mind games and extremely cruel or has no idea what she wants. It is however starting to destroy me. I cannot describe the pain of having a yet unborn child in a foreign country that I don't have a passport for. Had I got a U.S. Passport I'd go there and move jobs to be with my child. I'm going to uni now to do a masters to open the door in future so hopefully I can get a job out there and be closer to my boy. I imagine it'll be an uphill struggle unfortunately.

 

I guess I'm emotionally a bit stuck at the moment and wondering how to cope. I've googled and haven't come across anything like this

[Poppyolive]

This is terrible. What the heck is wrong with her? Hace you not seen these up and down escapades before? I feel there's something missing here. You should keep track of all messages, emails & calls with her. Record if you need to.

 

You'll get lots of great advice here

[Trishern]

Are you sure the baby is yours?

 

 

Her behavior seems very bizarre, like she has a mental disorder.

 

 

To just up and leave while pregnant. What part are you to play in the babies life?

 

 

Send her a message, ask why she says she wants to work things out, then ignores you. Tell her you want to be a part of the babies life and you love her, but you can't take this anymore.

 

 

Give her a time to contact you or ask when you should call her. If she doesn't respond, just ignore her until she contacts you again.

 

 

This is just crazy.

 

 

Do you know her family?

Could you speak to them to find out what's going on.

 

 

Could there be another man in the picture?

 

 

 

 

Mrs T

[Jamesearl]

Sometimes she get a bit homesick which is why I was working on moving us as a family to the U.S. I was literally 99% the way to getting my job moved.

 

Other than that I never noticed anything like this in the 2.5years we were together. I have wondered if I missed signs but none of it makes any sense and I don't think I did miss anything. I have wondered whether she changed overnight to a new person or if she was really good at hiding this side of her and I had the love goggles on and never noticed it.. All of my friends and family were and are shocked too so I don't think I missed anything or at least anything that was obvious.

 

I can't quite believe her treatment of me and how she seemingly tossed me aside. I have also wondered whether I am the father and I'm 99% sure as I took her on vacation to Florida at the time of inception.

 

I have spent a lot of time trying to second guess why she'd quite a loving future husband and go back to live on her own with her mum. We had it all, house, car, family environemt all setup etc and I'd have been happy to support her in whatever way she wanted as new family be that housewife for as long as she wanted or career women etc.

 

I did try speaking to her dad twice and his response was whatever she decides we'll support and he was keen to wash his hands of me. I don't know what has been said for that reaction as I went from hero to zero instantly with them and they've all shut me out.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Jamesearl

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you sure the baby is yours?

 

 

Her behavior seems very bizarre, like she has a mental disorder.

 

 

To just up and leave while pregnant. What part are you to play in the babies life?

 

 

Send her a message, ask why she says she wants to work things out, then ignores you. Tell her you want to be a part of the babies life and you love her, but you can't take this anymore.

 

 

Give her a time to contact you or ask when you should call her. If she doesn't respond, just ignore her until she contacts you again.

 

 

This is just crazy.

 

 

Do you know her family?

Could you speak to them to find out what's going on.

 

 

Could there be another man in the picture?

 

 

 

 

Mrs T

 

I was about to post the same two things. Is is possible the baby belongs to another man?

 

Have you seen any sign before of erratic behaviour? Something is very wrong here.

[Trishern]

Sometimes she get a bit homesick which is why I was working on moving us as a family to the U.S. I was literally 99% the way to getting my job moved.

 

Other than that I never noticed anything like this in the 2.5years we were together. I have wondered if I missed signs but none of it makes any sense and I don't think I did miss anything. I have wondered whether she changed overnight to a new person or if she was really good at hiding this side of her and I had the love goggles on and never noticed it.. All of my friends and family were and are shocked too so I don't think I missed anything or at least anything that was obvious.

 

I can't quite believe her treatment of me and how she seemingly tossed me aside. I have also wondered whether I am the father and I'm 99% sure as I took her on vacation to Florida at the time of inception.

 

I have spent a lot of time trying to second guess why she'd quite a loving future husband and go back to live on her own with her mum. We had it all, house, car, family environemt all setup etc and I'd have been happy to support her in whatever way she wanted as new family be that housewife for as long as she wanted or career women etc.

 

I did try speaking to her dad twice and his response was whatever she decides we'll support and he was keen to wash his hands of me. I don't know what has been said for that reaction as I went from hero to zero instantly with them and they've all shut me out.

 

 

She's clearly made you out to be the bad guy here. I don't know what she's told them, but it's not good.

 

 

Maybe she hooked up with an ex or cheated while in Florida and is unsure who the father is, or maybe she knows it's not you, or just knows she has feelings for someone else.

 

 

No sane person would do what she's doing.

Who wants to be a single mother like this?

 

 

She either

 

 

• has a mental condition
  
• has another guy
  
• or is unsure about her love for you
  

Do you know any of her ex BF's?

 

 

 

 

Mrs T

[Jamesearl]

I can't figure out if she has a mental disorder or is completely happy with her new path.. One thing is I never noticed anything erratic previously. I don't think she was like this before but perhaps I missed something I'll never know. I do think it's my baby but will think over the comments posted too. Thanks everyone for the advice so far.

 

 

I've sent her an email based on the advise here and will see what happens. I feel I've done my utmost best to offer her clean path back and I tried my best to write it in a kind loving and positive way. I do see this as one of last attempts. I'll see if I hear back. What I do know is I have a completely clear conscience that I've done the best I possibly can. It doesn't make the situation any better but I know I've done everything I possibly can.

 

 

I'm not sure what techniques there are to deal with being completely excluded from your baby. I've kind of come to terms this is whats happening but in the back of my mind and each time I wake up I have this incredible sadness that I'm trying to push aside. I do plan to get there for the baby eventually but I think it will take a long time and this is very hard to deal with. I feel a bit like part of me is being tortured and I'm trying to push that aside. I would never wish this on anyone.

[BlueIris]

She moved home at the beginning of July, about 5 mo into the pregnancy. Maybe her thinking had shifted from that of a girlfriend foremost to that of a mother foremost, more concerned about support and security for the baby. It does sound as though lots of things were unsettled— relocation to the US, where you would work, when your masters would be done, getting a passport, not being married. When you got back from your trip in late May, she had only a couple of months that she could safely and comfortably travel, so she gave notice and worked 4 weeks and got back home. It’s quite common for pregnant women to shift into parental thinking before fathers do. Why can't you get a passport?

[sandylee1]

It’s quite common for pregnant women to shift into parental thinking before fathers do. Why can't you get a passport?

 

But there's nothing common about breaking up with your fiancé and refusing to talk to him, when you had plans to marry.

 

He was planning to be in the US with her and her actions make NO SENSE at all. The OP returned from a trip there as part of the relocation plan and now he's been left out in the cold.

 

This is not about shifting into parental thinking at all.

 

Her behaviour is terrible honestly. If my daughter did this, I'd tell her to discuss this properly. If she's unsure about anything, she needs to be honest. You don't treat others like this, it's wrong.

 

What about if she refuses to have you at the birth?

 

I still think you should do a DNA test when the baby is born. You don't have to tell her you're doing it.

 

Unless she got cold feet or is mentally unstable this doesn't make sense.

 

 

Cold feet could be as a result of her being involved with another man. It could just be emotional at this stage.

 

Did you have access to her phone bills?

Emails?

[BlueIris]

Other thoughts- If you're 99% to having the job in the US, can you just finalize that and move? Your US employer could probably assist with the passport.

 

You mentioned your having a house (in the UK?), so maybe you can rent it to move to the US for the new job.

 

Was the masters program in the US or UK?

 

I don't think it's unusual to go back to family to have a baby. It's very common in my family. My mom went back to her mom's home in her second trimester, and my mom was married.

 

I'm not sure what OP meant by this: "We had it all, house, car, family environment, all setup, etc.” because he is saying they were preparing to move to the US, so I'm not sure if that was in the UK or the US. It sounds like it was in the US since he said he was 99% to having the job in the US. And it sounds as though he spent 2 weeks in May in the US related to the job there, or maybe buying a house there? But then he said that he doesn't have a passport, so that might be wrong.

[Trishern]

Any update at all James?

 

 

How are you doing?