Everyone needs to chill...

[dyna85]

I feel like everyone needs to chill and seriously stop posting about being no contact if you're not truly no contact. I come across posts like '6 months no contact' and in the first paragraph the person talks about speaking with his/her ex the former week. What the...? This is not no contact and is seriously disappointing. No contact is not seeing and/or communicating, and absolutely no peeking at social media.... ever.

 

Sure, you may think of your ex A LOT and may keep in contact because it gives you comfort. Well guess what? That comfort is temporary and the limbo I see people in is truly sad as a result. As if it's not bad enough cutting ties, being stuck in that place where you're still in contact but not getting anywhere, can't be healthy and is certainly prolonging your healing.

 

Don't allow yourself to be an option to anyone. Cut the chords and move on with your life. Better things await you but you have to let go for that to happen. Letting go won't happen when you're clinging to the past for dear life and breaking no contact at every turn.

 

Yes it sucks not seeing or hearing from the person, but if that person isn't treating you how you KNOW you deserve to be treated, then no contact is for the best.

 

Stop wasting time and get on with it. And stop looking at his or her damn social media already! What you don't know can't hurt you.

 

Be strong. You ARE resilient and if we all spent less time dwelling on our foolish exes who don't recognize our worth, we might open up to some cool people who are worthy of our time and attention.

 

We don't need further heartache upon heartache. No contact. Now. Do it. The real way...

 

And speaking of those who ARE truly adhering to no contact the real way, how's it going with you?

[Yummm]

I agree, no contact works. Makes that heartache a little more bearable and gives you a feeling of power, especially if they try to reach out to you because you're going strict NC on them.

[William]

As a reminder, LoveShack.org encourages members to post about their interpersonal relationships and, even if members disagree about opinions, strategies or methods of interacting, all postings shall be offered in a respectful manner, even if one believes another's post to be grossly misguided or ridiculous. Thanks!

[aloneinaz]

I found this site when my GF ended our toxic/dysfunctional relationship a few years ago. I had never heard of NC and read hundreds of threads on this site. It all made since to me. We'd broken up a few times before and it was always me trying to make it work. When she ended it the final time, I was DDOONNEE..

 

 

This site reinforced in my mind WHY NC is so valuable in getting over an ex. Out of site, out of mind and time passing is the number one thing to get over an ex. I BLOCKED her on all social media. I avoided anywhere I may of run into her as we live close by. I "cleansed" my home of anything that reminded me of her. I threw out EVERYTHING I had that she'd given me (cards, emails, texts, pictures). I didn't want to have any of that crap around to remind me of that failed R/S.

 

 

Did it help? Hell ya! She never heard a word from me. Within a month of NC, I was feeling much better and thinking rationally that I was so much better w/out her in my life. Within a few months of our break up, I met my now GF who I've been w/for 2 years, which is a year longer than I was w/the ex.

 

 

I'd always heard that when you get dumped, respect the decision and VANISH from the dumpers life, that there's a chance you'll hear from them again. I didn't believe it. I didn't think I'd EVER hear from her again. Well, 5-6 months after she ended it, she came back wanting to try again. After ignoring her first few attempts at contact, my GF asked to reply that I'd moved on and good luck, which is what I did. I'd NEVER date her again..

Edited August 10, 2015 by aloneinaz

[Satu]

NC means *No Contact.*

[pillowpuffs]

I have been strictly no contract since day 1 of the break up. I was dumped and then after that I found out he cheated on me. Within that day itself I sent him a message to tell him off and to say he wronged me and we never spoke to each other after that message (he did reply and a few minutes after we ceased all contact).

 

NC has been useful in some ways - I must say that not communicating and time heal you generally.

 

But not breaking NC has also left me with a few regrets because I've held things in which perhaps I should have said to my ex. (That being said, people who break NC also have regrets right?) Now I feel it's too late to say anything and maybe that's for the best but I wouldn't know anyhow because I never got to say what I wanted.

 

I still miss my ex everyday - 2 months plus of NC hasn't helped with that. I think NC in the short term helps you get over the break up, long term NC is the one which helps you get over the person. I am waiting on the latter and will adhere to strict NC.

Edited August 10, 2015 by pillowpuffs

[Ariess10]

Who are you to judge any post?

[dyna85]

Ariess10, I'm sorry if that came across as judgmental. I was just trying to assist others to kind of get those who are suffering out of their funk. I truly did not mean to come across judgmental whatsoever. I am just trying to stress the importance of true no contact to help everyone heal, because it pains me to see so many hurting from keeping in contact and just given my personal experience and what I've learned. Here I was using a tough love approach to convey the importance to sticking to full-fledged no contact and didn't realize it would come across as judgmental.

[YellowPetal]

I was dumped by my ex, and he wanted to stay friends. I made a mistake of saying 'yes' and letting him stay at our place while he looked for somewhere else to live. This gave him an opportunity to string me along and ask me for favors. He would keep talking to me, hug me and tell me he wasn't sure about the break up. Two days after he moved out, I found he cheated on me repeatedly (in our bed) while I was away and that he had sex with that girl after we broke up almost every day while I was at work. As soon as I found out I NC-ed him, threw his stuff out and told all of our friends what happened. Almost everyone stopped talking to him.

Now I wish I NC-ed him right away because he was taking advantage of my feelings for him, asking me for numerous favors. He tried to alleviate his own guilt by talking to me constantly. I never cried or begged him to come back, although I was dying on the inside. Believe me, even though your conscience tells you you need to be fair to your ex, it's best to just cut off all contact with them from the start. I would have saved myself a world of pain if I did that instead of trying to make console and make him feel better. You need to be the most important person in your life.

[carhill]

Opinions on the depth and breadth of no contact vary, as seen in the historical discussion of the no contact guide linked in my signature, as well as in more recent guides published.

 

As example, I've established 'light' no contact with my exW and a former affair partner; this means, yup, I still know their contact information and they mine and we simply don't use any means of contact to communicate. The last time my exW called me was when her best friend died about 18 months ago and, since that person was also a friend of mine, she wanted me to know, in addition to sharing her grief. I viewed that as appropriate contact.

 

A more comprehensive form of no contact is what I term 'black hole' no contact. That would include scrubbing all social media and communication contact, including deletion of social media, as well as changing one's e-mail addresses, internet handles and phone number. It could even mean changing addresses or jobs. It all depends. In some cases, black hole no contact is appropriate.

 

Each person decides their parameters and level of no contact for themselves. What works for each person works for them. If it's not working, then they can explore options.

 

IME, the single most valuable facilitator of no contact was psychological counseling. It probably did more for managing interpersonal relationship interactions than any other single process I've tried. If one feels 'stuck' and problems ensue for months on end, hey give it a try. It could help.

[Pink Lotus]

Wow yellowpetal that sounds cr*p what you went through but good on you for having spirit and fighting through. When I got dumped I wanted so bad to remain friends with my ex, tbh I was happier being just friends than a lover to him (long story) but he wouldn't have it and I have come off worse believe you me.

I wish I'd've just did the NC thing straightaway as I know I would be in a better place right now.

[LivingDeadGrl]

I think it really depends on the person and the situation. Sometimes you can't go full NC right away. Usually in these cases though you own a house together, have finances to discuss, important things like that.

If it's a break up where you can walk away clean, i think there's not really a good excuse not to go full NC. It's not healthy for anyone in that situation, especially if one is heart broken and the other isn't. It is never good to beg either. You're just asking for an eye roll and to push them further away. Going NC will kill you inside but it's honestly the best thing.

 

People come on here to vent and get advice, talk to people who have been through the same things. The people on this forum have helped me so much in times of need. I don't think anyone should be criticized for that.

[Gus Grimly]

.....Don't allow yourself to be an option to anyone. Cut the chords and move on with your life. Better things await you but you have to let go for that to happen. Letting go won't happen when you're clinging to the past for dear life and breaking no contact at every turn.

 

Yes it sucks not seeing or hearing from the person, but if that person isn't treating you how you KNOW you deserve to be treated, then no contact is for the best.

 

Be strong. You ARE resilient and if we all spent less time dwelling on our foolish exes who don't recognize our worth, we might open up to some cool people who are worthy of our time and attention......

 

I like the bolded part in the quote I highlighted. Those are some very encouraging and wise words. You're right, there's no reason to linger in the shadow of our EX's who most certainly aren't losing any sleep over us.

 

I admit I've sat there dwelling about my Ex, reminiscing about the great times we had, wondering what she's doing, wondering if she misses me, wondering if she's happier with her new BF then she was with me. I tell ya, if you let it, your mind can take you to some dark places. It has never led me to clarity or growth, it only led me to despair.

[RocketQueen]

I think when it comes to no contact in general people need to chill. Everyone is different and a lot of the time the posts are from people who are going through a really tough time when we don't always make the right choices who are feeling bad because they might have 'ruined' no contact and beating themselves up for having sneaked a peek at their ex's Facebook or Instagram.

 

I totally understand the reason for no contact and its benefits but feel for some people no contact isn't always the route they will take.

 

My break up was sudden (to me anyway)and although he left we weren't sure it was totally over.

 

I may have prolonged my healing, I'm not sure by being in contact with him after it became apparent a reconciliation wasn't on the cards but for me to detach I need to give it everything - it's been a hard lesson but it has been a process I needed to follow to get me where I am today.

 

I might have the odd nostalgic moment but I'm no longer wishing or wanting to go back there.

 

My ex is still on my Social media pages (I think) I just genuinely don't look at his page. I'm very methodical and need to work through my feelings and for me straight no contact would be too much of a fast track and I know I would have had a set back at some point.

 

NC obviously is the only way to go for some people and eventually everyone should end up there in order to move on, I don't think it's for any of us to knock how someone gets there.

[YellowPetal]

It depends on the break-up you had. When my ex broke up with me, I didn't delete his phone number and I only clicked on No notifications on his facebook profile. I refused to check his facebook and I was doing pretty well.

Finding out he cheated and lied was a different story altogether. I blocked him everywhere, never replied to his messages and never looked back.

I feel like my heart was broken twice, but I'm glad I found out what kind of person he really is.

[Oregon_Dude]

Personally, with each breakup I endure, it becomes easier.

 

It's very disheartening to see people on here who are still hung up on their exes 3 months, 6 months, a year later.

 

The fact is, that person does not want to be with you, and they will never want to be with you again. You have 2 options:

 

1. replay memories in your mind; dwell; feel self-pity; stagnate; be depressed

2. get busy living; date; have fun; accept that something is over; and learn lessons from it.

 

While it's OK to indulge option 1 for a few days to a week (as anger, etc. are necessary), ultimately it's very unproductive to stay in that stage for long. The way I look at it is, I'm going to be happy. Period. Someone else doesn't get to dictate that. Also, if I could do last year all over again (when I went through yet another BU), I wouldn't have wasted so much time and energy feeling sad about someone who clearly didn't care about me. Being single is fine.

 

Everyone who is self-torturing by begging their ex to come back, staying in contact, etc... this just baffles me. Grow a pair. Stop bugging someone who doesn't like you. Accept being alone for a while. Take your life back. And the way to do this is No Contact, primarily.

 

If that's what "chilling" is, then yes. You all need to chill.

[dyna85]

I admit I've sat there dwelling about my Ex, reminiscing about the great times we had, wondering what she's doing, wondering if she misses me, wondering if she's happier with her new BF then she was with me. I tell ya, if you let it, your mind can take you to some dark places. It has never led me to clarity or growth, it only led me to despair.

 

Heck yeah. I'm so there with ya. It often feels like my mind and body have betrayed me. I've concluded that thinking endlessly about the person and experiencing the intense emotion are far preferable to checking up/viewing pics. That sends me into a far worse spiral of despair every time.

 

I do agree that everyone learns the best approach for them and no contact right off the bat or whatever is not always appropriate, and sometimes you have to figure things out for yourself based on your feelings and experience.

[Gus Grimly]

I've concluded that thinking endlessly about the person and experiencing the intense emotion are far preferable to checking up/viewing pics. That sends me into a far worse spiral of despair every time.

I agree 110%. Not knowing is rough, but knowing .... yeah, it's brutal. Ignorance is bliss, especially when it comes to breakups.

[Satu]

I had a few false starts of NC before I finally did it.

 

For me it was a statement of my independence, that I didn't need to be with that that person to have a meaningful existence. That was the point where I started to put myself, (Humpty-Dumpty) back together.

[dyna85]

Satu, your comment really brightened my day when I read about you walking along the road and feeling happiness after so long of being so sad and hardly functioning. That gives me such hope. Sometimes it feels like it will never be better and it will always be this hard and with time you start to question your normalcy and strength, but I guess with all things 'this too shall pass.'

[aloneinaz]

Personally, with each breakup I endure, it becomes easier.

 

It's very disheartening to see people on here who are still hung up on their exes 3 months, 6 months, a year later.

 

The fact is, that person does not want to be with you, and they will never want to be with you again. You have 2 options:

 

1. replay memories in your mind; dwell; feel self-pity; stagnate; be depressed

2. get busy living; date; have fun; accept that something is over; and learn lessons from it.

 

While it's OK to indulge option 1 for a few days to a week (as anger, etc. are necessary), ultimately it's very unproductive to stay in that stage for long. The way I look at it is, I'm going to be happy. Period. Someone else doesn't get to dictate that. Also, if I could do last year all over again (when I went through yet another BU), I wouldn't have wasted so much time and energy feeling sad about someone who clearly didn't care about me. Being single is fine.

 

Everyone who is self-torturing by begging their ex to come back, staying in contact, etc... this just baffles me. Grow a pair. Stop bugging someone who doesn't like you. Accept being alone for a while. Take your life back. And the way to do this is No Contact, primarily.

 

If that's what "chilling" is, then yes. You all need to chill.

 

 

I love this post... So on point!

 

 

At the end of the day, all us veterans can do is share what's worked for us and others. I'd imagine only a very small portion of new posters here apply what everyone is trying to teach them. Sometimes, people have to "buy that ground" for themselves to figure out what works and what doesn't.

 

 

I was in my early 40's when I found this site. I'd had many relationships, a marriage, divorce, etc.. It was shocking to realize how much I really DIDN'T know about relationships, break ups, what works, and what doesn't. This site and what I learned from others who've been through bad relationships with poor endings, where very valuable for me to understand the whole process.

 

 

I think when people FINALLY do apply these principles (NC) and blocking on social media, they've hit rock bottom. They've begged, pleaded, embarrassed themselves and staying in LC and it clicks that it was the exact opposite thing to do.