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Rebound girl


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 13th July 2015, 6:47 PM   #1
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Rebound girl

i suppose this is an old story but it's been a new experience for me... I met a guy online 7 months ago. The attraction was electric and he pursued me pretty intensely, saying things to me like 'I've never felt anything like this before'. It scared me a bit but was also seductive.

The first thing I noticed something weird was when he got seemingly mad at me about some celebrity crush I had, saying stuff like 'I don't like the effect he has on you' and questioning my 'past' (for the record, never cheated on anyone, never will). I was really upset and confused - not knowing where this was coming from. The next day he apologized and told me his emotions were clouded by his previous relationship - a girl he dated on and off for 6 years, whom he was once engaged to and had left him for another man much to his devastation. All this happened to him in May last year; he had only started dating again in December and seeing me exclusively in January.

Knowing what I knew then, perhaps I should've cut and run. But having had no previous experience with someone on the rebound and feeling like there was no chance for reconciliation, we continued. We were very happy I thought. He seemed to be head over heels for me as I was for him. But little things crept up... he'd get suddenly sad. He had trouble sleeping and could get very lonely. Now open about his previous relationship, he talked about her constantly and was very bitter about his ex...

He became hot and cold with me and increasingly distant... Eventually he said he needed space because he admitted to me he wasn't ready and despite everything that happened with his ex he would go back to me if she asked... He told me it had nothing to do with me and that he 'practically loved me' (which means practically nothing), but that he couldn't handle it right now. I was devastated and have been ever since.

I love him but am fully aware he was likely just trying to replace something he lost. But I'm still having a hard time not feeling sad and deeply rejected. How have others coped when being the rebound? I'd also like to hear from people who entered a rebound relationship, what their motivation was, and how they felt when hurting the person they rebounded with.
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Old 13th July 2015, 6:59 PM   #2
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Awe, I'm sorry you're hurting. BUT, you've found the right place. A lot of us are going through the same thing you are.

Was this a strictly an "on-line" relationship? Were you two sexualy active?
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Old 13th July 2015, 7:14 PM   #3
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It was a full on relationship. Once we started talking online in January we went on our first date soon after.
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Old 13th July 2015, 7:33 PM   #4
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I've been the rebound girl twice (that I know of lol) and I understand how confusing and sad this must be for you. I was dating someone in 2013 and he confessed that he would wake up crying about his ex. He had also become depressed, tired, stressed.....I felt like what we had was all just a lie. I felt used. Led on. Anger. If there was an emotion I felt it. I don't think men go into a rebound saying I'm going to hurt this person. I just think they underestimate their capacity to have an open heart. I'm dealing with this now yet again with a guy who never fully recovered from his ex. I don't know if he necessarily wants her back but either way he hasn't dealt with it. I want someone's whole heart. Not a sliver

I'm really sorry. This might be a good time to start being honest and remove the rose colored glasses. Deep down if you look you will see the red flags but seems like you already did see them. But sometimes we have the flag and don't know what to do with it. I am sure he really did enjoy the time he spent with you. But he also knows he can't give you all of himself bc he needs to heal
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Old 13th July 2015, 7:49 PM   #5
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I don't know if you're there yet, but this was about him, there's nothing wrong with you. He brought his ex into the new relationship and projected her onto you. That's just not your fault... I know there is so much pain with this and you must feel awful, but just try to remember he brought these issues in with him.

From the way you've written it maybe you can see some of this already with the beautifully ironic gift of hindsight. But if not, in a few weeks, maybe a couple of months, re-read what you posted originally: you already know it wasn't you, which means you're doing brilliantly.

The way you cope with it is to remember that. You weren't actually rejected. But you also weren't a "replacement " (and, really, who aspires to that...)

Keep your chin up.
Sx

Last edited by Speirling; 13th July 2015 at 7:49 PM.. Reason: Dyac
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Old 13th July 2015, 8:26 PM   #6
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All you girls need to start dating more than one guy at a time, and keep it like that for at least six months for every guy you date. Keep three or four in your rotation, and try out a new one every once in a while... get rid of the worst one, and keep upgrading as you go.

Please notice that SEX is not in that advice. I'll leave that up to you.

You can figure a guy out in half a year. If you date three or four, you'll be able to keep your emotions at bay, and compare each guy to another. You'll learn a lot about what you like and what you don't, and your men will show their true colors to you.

You're simply too precious to waste your time one guy at a time. Change the dynamic; act like you've got lots of options, and the next thing you know, you'll have lots of options. Do not limit yourself, you'll appreciate this advice if you simply try it.

That's what I did, and it didn't take long before I met four of the most fantastic girls of my dating life ever. Yes, I cranked through a lot, but I only kept the best hanging around. If it worked for a guy, imagine how well it will work for lovely young ladies such as yourselves.

The world is your oyster, but you have to shuck a bunch of guys to find your pearl.

Notice I said "shuck".. not the other thing.
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Old 13th July 2015, 8:36 PM   #7
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Thank you for the kind words. I still find my head and heart aren't in sync. Some days I feel okay and other days I catch myself feeling really down, sometimes sobbing and wishing for him back. There's no rhyme or reason to it.

When we split, he had wanted space with 'less seriousness'. The irony is I probably would've been okay with that at the beginning when we were first getting to know each other. But by the end I had so fallen for him that I couldn't imagine not having someone who wasn't at least on his way to feeling that way in return. I did manage to say to him: I deserve someone who'll one day love me unambiguously and unconditionally. I'm not a consolation prize (none of us are)... so why does it hurt so damn hard?
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Old 13th July 2015, 9:11 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LeslieKnope View Post
why does it hurt so damn hard?
I'm guessing you feel betrayed. Like your mind probably knows you were not betrayed, but your heat feels like it made a connection and then that connection was severed, too quickly, in a way that you could not process, maybe even all evidence to the contrary and it all landed on you all at once.

In other words, you heart go surprised in a bad way.

And I can tell you, that hurts like a bitch, and it will for a long time. There's no thinking your way out of it. You have to feel your way out, and a great deal of it is painful.
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Old 13th July 2015, 9:31 PM   #9
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Mighty you just said what my mother has been telling me for years. Don't put all my eggs in one basket. I definitely will not make this mistake again. It will be new to try this bc I'm not sure how to focus energy on multiple men. I know it's what I should be doing and I will have to but just seems odd to keep looking for something better when I am already happy. I've never been the type to think grass is greener or I could do better especially when I am happy. But in order to protect myself I think I need to! Once contact becomes more frequent I would feel terrible lying about what I was doing (going on a date) but again. Protective mode. I can do this.

I will shuck away! 😄
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Old 13th July 2015, 10:15 PM   #10
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If only it was that easy... Actually, when I first started online dating that's exactly what I did. Some guys were perfectly nice and some were duds. And I get that you have to keep trying to ultimately find someone that might fit. But right now? I can't even contemplate it. It just sucks royal.
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Old 14th July 2015, 11:19 PM   #11
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It's been 8 days NC. Not a long time but it feels like an eternity. Am feeling so despondent and desperately missing him. So stupid, but I actually caught myself missing how he smelled. It's a terrible thing to love someone who doesn't love you back.
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Old 15th July 2015, 4:28 AM   #12
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I was never the rebound girl and never had a rebound. Most of my exes however had new relationships in a matter of weeks. Since I kept in touch with some of them I heard their side of the story.

The one thing they all had in common was they all had very high hopes for their "rebound" relationship (I don't like that term. Why label the relationship?). They were all trying to move on and when it didn't work out they were devastated. Just because you were a "rebound" doesn't mean you meant nothing to them. Just means the other person wasn't ready.
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Old 15th July 2015, 11:47 PM   #13
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I'm sorry girl, this is tough. I've been a rebound, once, and the advice I would give you, is this:

Please do not take it personally. As lame as that sounds, don't. How he's feeling and the craziness he's displaying are entirely products of his current mental state; not a reflection of you or your capability to be loved.

The best way to handle these people is to completely NC them. The only hope for reconciliation in this sort of situation is to reconnect at a much later date. If he tries to contact you in the near future, I'd ignore it, honestly. The kind of mental struggle he's battling is the kind that takes a long time to truly treat/ cure- if you let him lean on you during this time period, I think it's likely that he'll continue to see you as the rebound.


I feel this is the best option, because in my situation, I didn't reconnect with him until two years later. At this point, I was 100% sure he was over the girl, and he was. The catch, is this; if he treats you this way once, he will do it again. Not to mention the fact that, while you can forgive, anytime you guys fight, you will be inclined to remember what he did to you, and you might lose objectivity.

Yet again, I know this to be evident, because the guy I reconnected with, just dumped me, again. He was the same guy I started a thread on. When he started to act odd and semi end things with me, the first thing I assumed, was that it was another girl. Unfortunately, I did not keep this to myself in our final "argument"- in fact, I very blatantly told him that I felt like he was "doing the exact same ****" he did "two years ago".

I hope things work out for you, I really do. The most difficult part is that all you can do is let time pass. The most common advice on these threads is some of the best advice; continue to do things for you. Spend the time grieving, feel all of your feelings, talk everything out. Afterwards, reconnect with/ make friends, meet people, expand your mind, preoccupy your time.

You will wake up one day, and you'll realize that he's not the first thing to cross your mind. It will get easier, I promise. If you need someone to talk with, I will listen. We can get through this together (:
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Old 16th July 2015, 12:05 AM   #14
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Just go NC, I'd he offers friends just say no. It will hurt more to be friends and see him dste and be wirh other girls
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Old 16th July 2015, 5:45 AM   #15
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There is a lot of love in this thread!

OP I've been there, just the once, a couple years ago. Even while I dated someone new (LDR), I thought about and obsessed over the guy who broke up with me. As far as mutual acquaintances update me, he and the ex he was still in love with now hang out but aren't back together. Good riddance.

It hurts so much, especially when you feel like an idiot because you should have ended it with them. In my case, I tried telling him that he needed to sort things out with her, but he insisted he was falling in love with me, that if we broke up it would be a tragedy, and so on. So my ego was pretty hurt when he then dumped me, and I missed him and probably embarrassed myself once or twice trying to contact him.

He said he wanted to be friends, but then when I tried to arrange a simple coffee twice, he made excuses - which hurt even more, but I realise now it was the best thing.

I can tell you that it took me a good year and a bit to get over that person, and if I ran into him, I'd probably try to hide out of instinct! But I feel completely unemotional toward him, and good about myself.

Bolase
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