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Am I the abuser in this relationship?


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NotPleased5

Hi everyone,

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years now. Throughout the time we've spent together, this is the first time in our relationship he's stopped talking to me for about 10 days now - and I've taken a lot of time to reflect over things.

 

I know this relationship is toxic, but I cannot figure out WHO the problem is. I need an outsider's perspective to understand whether I am the abuser or the victim. As crazy as this sounds, I feel like I was the initial 'abuser' who instigated my bf far enough for him to become the abuser, making me now feel like the victim. Either way, I don't think the relationship will last. But if I get out, I need to get out knowing if I was/am the problem, and what kind of help I should seek if that is the case.

 

My boyfriend and I are a great match in terms of our morals, interests, goals and ambitions. We both hit it off right away and had a fantastic time getting to know each other. My boyfriend was quick to say I love you, he become attached really quickly, would text me all day long, and began buying me very lavish gifts. I was a little thrown back, but also felt like I had hit the love lottery. I mean, how often do women find such a romantic, loving, caring and attentive guy? However, along with this, I noticed he was VERY sensitive, and would get moody way too often. I felt I had to chase him around to find out why he was upset and was constantly worried that I had made him upset unintentionally. He would get upset over extremely petty matters, but I thought this was something I could tolerate.

 

I'm not one to boast, but I feel like I was a very good partner to him, until I lost trust in him. I found out he had been hanging out with his ex alone for dinners, movies, going downtown etc without telling me. I got upset at this, but chose to stay with him. However, I was unimpressed about how he handled this situation with his ex, and lashed out at him. I felt betrayed that this man I was chasing like a puppy was out having fun with his ex while I was going in circles trying to figure out why he was always moody. Anyways, our relationship went downhill as I became very, very insecure and moody as well and started accusing him. At this point, HE started to chase me around in attempts to redeem himself over the ex situation. This is when I feel I became the 'abuser'.

 

We FINALLY overcame the ex issue, but other issues remained the same - my bf's complaint that I don't love him enough or care for him enough as much as HE cares for me, his sensitivity, and his moodiness. Things like me not replying to a tweet on Twitter in a timely manner sets him off, if I don't give him attention 24/7 he feels 'unloved', if I hang out with friends - he feels lonely, he feels like I don't love him to the level that I love my parents etc etc. Throughout all these arguments, he's told me things like "I've ruined his life, I'm responsible for his happiness, I destroyed him, I'm the worst person he has ever met, I don't value him or his feelings, I have mental issues." He's yelled in my face, he's thrown gifts I gave to him back at me and walked away, he's broken his own phone and laptop. I've come to the point where whenever I anticipate him getting angry, I start to become anxious and start crying uncontrollably, and have panic attacks.

 

I feel like he's such a great person when he's NOT mad. But when he's angry he's such an arrogant monster and scares the hell out of me, and that's just not sitting well with me. I know he loves me because he's always been there for me, has spent crazy amounts of money on gift-giving (although, I have no interest in materialistic goods - it's his way of expressing love), and has been a good boyfriend overall.

 

But recently, he stopped speaking to me (been 10 days now) because he feels I don't love/care for him as much as he loves/cares for me. I left him along the first few days because I kept asking why he was mad, but he insisted I leave him alone. I then left him alone and contacted him today asking what's going on, but he's not communicating anything to me properly at all. He just keeps saying 'do you have anything to say to me?' (he's expecting an apology! but I refuse to give one when I don't even know what I did wrong.)

 

But anyways, this relationship has drained the both of us. Am I the one who abused him and didn't appreciate his love?

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Grumpybutfun

Both of you acted immature and do not know how to communicate very well. His clingy attitude also isn't healthy. Best to just move on and not dwell on blame. Neither of you come out of this looking very good, honestly. When anger, controlling behaviors and fighting enters a relationship, it is an indicator that it isn't healthy. If you want to have a healthy, loving relationship, don't stay in toxic ones like this for very long. Have absolutes in relationships that you will not tolerate and abide by them. This breakup is a good thing and it is in both of your best interests to stay away from each other and move on to something/someone else. You do know that fearing your bf is a huge red flag and is not normal, right? You also know that your bf is a hole of need that you will never fill, right? He has no self respect or esteem. He needs more than you can give because no one should be responsible for another person's happiness.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited by Grumpybutfun
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casey.lives

he's a sensitive person and sensitive people need special attention and it could possibly be that he felt unloved and him letting you know his truth is all you need in order to smooth things over. i think you should apologize because if you love him, his feelings must matter greatly to you... someone once told me that anger is like putting a gun to someone's head. it's threatening to that extreme.. when you are able to make up .. let him know that love is a safe place with your actions and your touching heartfelt words

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I cannot figure out WHO the problem is.

 

Does it matter? Do you need for one of you to be more to blame for the breakdown of the relationship?

 

Yeah, he seems needy, clingy, and vindictive. You did not make him that way, no matter how you handled his indiscretions. You are not responsible for his poor behavior.

 

But if I get out, I need to get out knowing if I was/am the problem, and what kind of help I should seek if that is the case.

 

Again, why? You should seek help, but do it to find out why you stayed in a relationship that hurts you.

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He is an emotional abuser.

He love-bombed you, then essentially pulled the rug, and now you are hooked, as you want that wonderful man back - he ain't coming back, as that is not the real him. The real him is what you have now.

All he wants is control, he is at the moment stonewalling* you.

 

https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/the-psychopaths-hook-love-bombing-sex-and-flattery/ - he may or may not be a true psychopath, but he is one scary individual.

He will send you literally crazy, please leave asap.

 

21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship | World of Psychology

 

*Stonewalling in Abuse

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