Jump to content

This is long - advice needed badly - guys advice would be greatly appreciated


Recommended Posts

I would really like to know how people can say that a break-up gets easier over time. The more time that I am without my ex, the more it hurts. I love him so very much and pray and hope and dream that he will come back. I ask God to help me, to let his will be done, and all I feel is a longing for my ex. We dated for two years, he brought up marriage and future frequently, and even his sisters thought that he would end up with me. One even called me because I had called her to tell her he ended things – when she saw my caller ID she said she got excited because she thought that her brother had finally gotten the nerve up to ask me to marry him. She was shocked to hear that he broke up with me.

 

This past year has had a few ups and downs for me, but through all of it, my boyfriend has been there for me. Early this year, my uncle who was only 53, died suddenly of a heart attack. A few months later, my cousin who was only 20 was accidentally killed when he was suffocated by the improper use of a device when he was wrongfully arrested. Both times, my boyfriend took time off work to take me to the wakes, and one of them was about 3 hours away from where he worked. He even went out of his way to take me to see my grandmother in the hospital – the hospital is about 20 miles away from where we live and he did this after he got off work and put his arm around me and was there for me and consoled me – and this was only 2 weeks before he ended things with me. My grandmother has since been admitted to hospice and the prognosis is not good.

 

I have been having a horrible month, and with Christmas coming up, I am finding it hard to feel the joy of the season with all that has happened this past month, and this past year. I just do not know what to do anymore. I have been praying constantly, asking God to help me, asking that his will be done. No matter what I do, it just gets harder.

 

He broke up with me about a month ago after I cried saying I was afraid that if he had not made the commitment to me by a certain point, that he never would. He was even talking about engagement rings three days before that, but that did not console me. The problem was my fears of abandonment were really coming from my mother and something a friend of his told me about their marriage.

 

In every serious relationship that I have ever been in, my mother has started to say negative things about me or about the guy that I was dating saying that she did not think that I or he was mature enough to make a decision about the rest of our life. She would start to make generalizations, and even though I would tell her that she was wrong about the situation, she could not stop making these hurtful comments. Eventually, even though I thought that I was trying to ignore what she said, I would start to internalize those things and start to fear exactly what she said and got emotional over it. Instead of realizing that these fears were from things that she would keep saying, I would act them out and either get emotional because I thought that the man would leave me, or I would become closed off, fear his departure and hurt him before he had the chance to hurt me. It is my love for the man who I just recently lost that caused me to finally see the pattern that I was in where long term relationships were concerned.

 

On top of that, my boyfriend always mentioned that when he thought of a good marriage, he thought of his best friend and his best friend’s wife. About a month and a half before he broke up with me, his friend’s wife told me that she and her husband were having marital problems. She said that they were both in counseling, that my (now ex) boyfriend did not know, and that she did not want me to say anything about it. She said that if I told him her husband would be very upset with her that she told anyone about it in the first place. I felt kind of dumped on because this was not something I wanted to know, and I felt just awful with the idea that I had to keep this from the man that I loved. It kind of tore me up inside because I thought that if their marriage had problems and if my boyfriend based his idea of a good marriage on theirs and it ended, he would just give up on the idea of marriage himself.

 

Here is how it all went down:

 

About a month ago, I was visiting with my boyfriend and his family making plans for Thanksgiving. I was very tired because I had not slept well the night before, I was on allergy medication which made me drousy, and then to top that off, I had a couple of beers because we were all together watching a sporting event. Since I had the lack of sleep, antihistamine, and alcohol as factors, I was more prone to be emotional and my judgment was not very sharp. I started to act out the fears that I kept getting from my mother that said she did not think he loved me, though he told me it often. My fears upset him because he said that whenever we got to the topic of marriage - the same thing always happened - I would get upset and start crying, he could not do anything about it, and we would just get nowhere. He said it was like beating a dead horse. Of course, instead of just looking at this as a figure of speech, I took his comment personally and thought that he considered our relationship dead, so I started to cry more. He told me that what I was saying was my mother, and I said that it was me - again, I allowed myself to get so upset and was so tired, that I did not realize at the time my mother's affect on me. He said I needed to get home and rest, that I would feel better after I got some sleep. He told me that he loved me and that he would see me later that week.

 

I went home, relaxed a bit and decided to call him and be more reasonable and let my emotions take a back burner. I told him that I knew he knew what I wanted, but I did not know what he wanted - I wanted to be more supportive of his needs. He told me over the phone that he was not what I wanted, that this was not working, and that he could not give me what I wanted. He said what he needed was time and space for himself and that there was something about the relationship that did not gell, but he did not know what it was. He said that he talked to someone in his family that said they saw signs in the relationship that reminded them of one from their past that did not work, so my boyfriend just threw up his hands and said if the other relationship did not work, then ours probably would not either. He even said that he had been trying to save our relationship for a while - which was a complete surprise to me, because he did not act or treat me any differently that I could tell. He even said that when we went out recently (before the break-up) that he started to notice other girls and that he had not ever done that before. Also, I was the first person he had dated in 7 years - he is almost 30, I am 28, and before me he said he did not date because he did not want to waste the time. The problem is, I was not completely ready for marriage either - it was all the negative things that I kept hearing from my mother - I loved him, I knew I wanted to marry him someday, but I did not want it ASAP. We did talk about the future when we were together – and a lot of the time, he would be the one to initiate it. I knew he needed time. But, nonetheless, he broke up with me. I so desperately want him back - I have prayed and asked God for guidance and all I see is my ex, and a future together. I miss him so much and love him so much.

 

He came over the day after he broke up with me to give me my spare keys to my apartment back and a check for money I had given him to pay for part of an event we were planning to attend. The look on his face was that of he could care less – though I am wondering if it was partly due to the fact I had a friend over (who is a guy) and though I had my friend go into another room so my ex and I could talk, I think my ex saw him walking across my apartment through my window when he was coming from the parking lot. What I do not get is how someone can go from cuddling very close on one night saying I love you to saying it is not working less than 24 hours later – and then the following day after the break-up, not feeling a damn thing and not caring at all! He left quickly, would not talk to me, and peeled out of my parking lot like a bat out h*ll, squealing tires and everything.

 

I did write him a letter explaining how I saw my mother's negative influence on me and sent it a week ago, but I have heard no response, though I told him if he needed time to think, I would understand. He has made no attempt to contact me at all since we broke up, and mutual friends of ours say that he just goes out with his married friends, and is not dating anyone, and does not seem to care. When we did break up I asked him if this was a decision that he would regret and he said that he would most likely, but it was a decision he had to make.

 

I really feel that he is the one for me, the one that completed me in so many ways that I never knew I could be completed before I met him. I want to have faith and I keep hoping that he will come to his senses and realize that we are supposed to be together, but when I start to think about him, I just start to cry and turn to desperation. I do not know what to do. How can someone go from talking about rings and three days later just throw their hands up and feel nothing? I do not know what to think anymore except for the fact that I know I still love him and if I knew he would be back soon, I know I would wait. I just do not know if that is the right thing to do. If you can please help me I would greatly appreciate it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not a guy but I have a friend who girlfriend is very emotional like you've decribed & it drives him nuts. It makes him think that he's not making her happy & doesn't know how to "fix" it. They've been together for almost 4 years and the only reason he stays with her is b/c they have a son together. She b*tches at almost everything he does, cries when things dont go her way or if he goes out with the guys b/c she thinks he's out w/ other girls. Men aren't emotional people like womean are but it sounds to me like you take it to the extreme & they can't handle it. (this is what my friend has told me) You say your mom has influenced you, you need to get over it. Anyone can over come anything. I've had a pretty sh*tty childhood, watching my dad beat my mother, my mother calling me a whore ect... but I didn't go out & find a husband that beats me or become the whore she said I was & didn't let her influence me on what kind of person I became. You need to think about you actions & ask yourself if you were your bf, would you stay with you??

Link to post
Share on other sites
lexnmike4enomore

What kind of problems were there? I mean one that your not mentioning. He cant be talking about marriage one week and then not want to be with you the next. I know what lead to my break up break up was that i am selfish and all i do is think about myself. He had an anger problem and over analyzes everything. There has to be something under the surface. Believe me time does make it easier. Go out and have fun. Get drunk a lose your shoe. DO NOT SIT HOME AND SULK!!!! That makes everything worse. Believe it or not but no contacts works too. Has there been a lot of contact since the break up?

Link to post
Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia
Originally posted by AngelSerra

How can someone go from talking about rings and three days later just throw their hands up and feel nothing?

 

I don't think it was quite like that. It could be a matter of something very simple, and very sad. It sounds like what it came down to in the end is that you wanted marriage eventually from this relationship, and he didn't.

 

I expect it wasn't that he just 'stopped feeling it' - he probably wasn't feeling it for a while and decided that he couldn't fool himself - or you - any longer and bailed out before it got to the point where he couldn't back out of it. People generally can't turn off their feelings like that - but they can lead you to believe that they are still feeling them to spare your feelings - particularly if you know that it won't be easy for you to let them go. I expect he was also trying to spare your feelings for everything that you have already been through this year. I don't think he was being deceptive to be mean - he probably did it because he felt guilty for not being able to return your feelings on the same level.

 

I'm sorry you are on the bad end of things, and it sounds like you need some closure or clarity in the matter. I hope that you can find your way out. Its hard - I've been in your shoes before, and I've been in his. Neither is easy. :(

 

You can try to talk to him, but at this point I don't think it would do any good. Give him his time, and in the meanwhile you will need to begin the healing process - because there is no guarantee he is coming back. Either way, you will need to focus on 'you' for a while. Have you considered talking to an objective third party like a therapist or something to help provide an outlet for your emotions?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I did not think that he would come back at first, but I was so emotional and upset over the whole thing. I missed him so much and was so hurt. That is when his sister called (I had called her the night he and I broke up but no one answered). She saw me on caller ID and was so excited when I answered but I sounded down - she asked me what was wrong and I told her that her brother had broken up with me the night before. She screamed "WHAT!?" and could not believe it, she said she thought that I was calling to say he had finally proposed. She said that he was probably in fear right now because there is a lot going on in his family with his one sister getting divorced and his sister who called me going through the chance of divorce too. She said that he has a fear of failure but she thinks that once all of the commotion with the divorces calms down she said she thought he would be back, but it might be a few months.

 

I keep thinking that he will come back - I get this gut feeling, so strong, that he will be back in my arms again - I kept praying for God to give me a sign - that was when I saw how my mother had affected me and also the fact that I used to drink too much, which I know bothered him and did not help the relationship. I have since stopped drinking. I even called him to say that I realized the drinking problem and he said that it was an issue but he did not know if that was the main cause. I asked him for a second chance (this was only 3 days after he broke up with me) and he said that he would consider it but was honestly not leaning that way. I continued to pray, went home for Thanksgiving and then saw how mean and spiteful my mother was being. Told me that I cried no man would ever want to marry me and that I was stupid and weak. That snapped me out of it, I do not listen to her anymore because most of the words that come out of her mouth are very negative - it just took me praying because I wanted to know why things turned out the way they did and asking for guidance to see this.

 

I kept asking God if there was a chance for my ex and I and while I was praying I saw a vision of him and I holding a little girl, and I knew right away that she was our daughter, and that her name was Jessica. It was a very odd feeling - considering I had never even considered the name Jessica as a name for any future children before. I told this to a friend of mine and she decided to look up the name and it means "He sees". I do not want to hope if this is false hope - however, I was in church praying for help when I saw this vision. Other strange things have happened when I have asked God if I should move on or not. One friend of mine said I was crazy, but he is also crazy and manic-depressive, so I do not take what he says with much consideration. My aunt is trying to introduce me to metaphysics where you use the power of energy to create what you want in life and if I send only positive thoughts to my ex and send him love that he should respond to it and come back. I am just lost really. I love him very much and when I see the future, all I see is him, even after daily requests to God to let me get past this. Like I said, in my first post - I sent him a letter a week ago explaining all that I saw as problems that I was working on like my mother's affect on me and my drinking problem. That was the first contact that I had with him in 3 weeks and I have not contacted him once since. I keep feeling that he will come back to me, but I am not sure if this is what I should do.

 

As for the problems in the relationship - he would not tell me who told him that there were problems and he said he did not even know what the problems were. He said that he did not know. Again, when I asked him if he would regret this, he said most likely. I even asked him if this felt wrong to him and he said yes - but it was his decision to make.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by AngelSerra

He came over the day after he broke up with me to give me my spare keys to my apartment back and a check for money I had given him to pay for part of an event we were planning to attend. The look on his face was that of he could care less – though I am wondering if it was partly due to the fact I had a friend over (who is a guy) and though I had my friend go into another room so my ex and I could talk, I think my ex saw him walking across my apartment through my window when he was coming from the parking lot. What I do not get is how someone can go from cuddling very close on one night saying I love you to saying it is not working less than 24 hours later – and then the following day after the break-up, not feeling a damn thing and not caring at all! He left quickly, would not talk to me, and peeled out of my parking lot like a bat out h*ll, squealing tires and everything.

 

Just an observation on what you wrote: If he DID see someone walking across your apartment through the window ... and it WAS a guy ... and he DOES still have feelings for you ... and he DIDN'T see them in your apartment when he got there, I suspect he might very well have thought something was "going on", so to speak. If that's what happened, I can understand why he didn't want to talk to you, left quickly, and "peeled out of your parking lot like a bat out of h*ll, squealing tires and everything."

 

Your situation sounds tough, very tough. Give it time. "His will" is not always what we want it to be ... but sometimes it's a matter of things just not going the way we hoped they would, with the result we do want in the end. Rocky roads sometimes make us appreciate the destinations a little more. Chin up!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I really would like him to know who was over, he knows the person, and knows that this person is a friend of mine - but I also know that I am supposed to follow this no contact rule. Not really sure what to do. I miss him very much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...