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Regretting a Breakup


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theopenmind05

I'm 28 years old and just ended the first real relationship I've ever been in after five months. The break up was very impulsive in that there wasn't really anything wrong with the relationship other than how I was feeling. My ex was great. He was kind, caring, funny and very loving and affectionate towards me. I'm still not completely sure what caused me to go from feeling very happy to extremely anxious, but it seemed to happen overnight. I want to say it probably started after he brought up his feelings about our future. He brought up the fact that he wanted to marry me one day and while that's what I'd always hoped for, I wonder if subconsciously the idea of such an enormous commitment scared me. It wasn't too long after that that I started to doubt whether or not I loved him as much as he loved me. That doubt quickly led to intense anxiety that wouldn't leave. Whenever we were together, I was so anxious that I couldn't even enjoy myself. It eventually got to the point where I thought I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. This was when I made the impulsive decision to break up with him. He was surprisingly sympathetic and said that he'd like to stay friends with me. Actually, once it was all over I felt relieved (for about 20 minutes). That was when regret set in. I realize that that's probably a normal reaction to have after a break up, but I can't help but wonder if breaking up with him while in such a fragile state was a bad idea and that if I had gotten to the bottom of my feelings, I could have spared us both the heartache. After about a week, I contacted him and told him I was feeling regret and hoped that we could try to make sense of what I was feeling, however he felt it was too late and still just wants to remain friends. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I know I care about him deeply and would love it if we could get back together, I'm just worried about hurting him all over again or losing him altogether.

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Trust your instincts here. If this guys wanting you to be a potential wife down the line caused strong anxiety with you, that's a sign. Someone you truly love and want to be with forever won't cause anxiety. You'll feel relaxed and at peace with them.

 

 

You clearly where not in love with him. Don't beat yourself up. You're still young and need to have more men experiences before settling down to a marriage.

 

 

Be kind to him and let him go. Kudos to him for saying no thanks to getting back together. He probably felt he wasn't rocking your world before you dumped him. Let him heal and move on to someone that will fall madly in love with him. You didn't and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

 

Let yourself heal from this experience and when you're ready, start dating again. You WILL know when the guy who rocks you world comes into your life. He simply wasn't it.

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theopenmind05

I'm a man for starters, LOL. I don't know, I guess I just feel like we moved really fast in the relationship, especially with it being my first. I wonder if five months was really even enough time to get to know him. Since this happened, I've been reading a lot about relationship anxiety, in which people constantly worry in their relationship (Does he like me? Do I like him? Do I love him?) I'm the type of person who worries and over analyzes everything, so I feel like this could very well be what I have and maybe the fear and anxiety is actually distorting how I really feel about him. In the beginning of the relationship, things were great. I wanted to be with him all the time and would get excited just getting a text from him. It didn't matter what we were doing, I was just happy to spend time with him. I don't understand how all of a sudden my feelings could just change in the blink of an eye. I just wish I had had the courage to tell him all of this before hand.

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I think your instinct about your compatibility with each other for the long-term kicked in, and you realized that no, you don't see yourself with him long-term. What's wrong with trusting your gut?

 

The breakup probably seems like it came out of nowhere, but I'm sure there were signs even before he professed his desire to be with you long-term that confirmed to you that he isn't the one. Happens all the time.

 

Be grateful that you listen to your gut, even if you are a naturally anxious person where relationships are concerned. If you had thought deep down that he was *the* one for you, you'd still be with him, is what I think.

 

Keep dating until you find the right guy. It'll happen. Just give it time.

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I'm a man for starters, LOL. I don't know, I guess I just feel like we moved really fast in the relationship, especially with it being my first. I wonder if five months was really even enough time to get to know him. Since this happened, I've been reading a lot about relationship anxiety, in which people constantly worry in their relationship (Does he like me? Do I like him? Do I love him?) I'm the type of person who worries and over analyzes everything, so I feel like this could very well be what I have and maybe the fear and anxiety is actually distorting how I really feel about him. In the beginning of the relationship, things were great. I wanted to be with him all the time and would get excited just getting a text from him. It didn't matter what we were doing, I was just happy to spend time with him. I don't understand how all of a sudden my feelings could just change in the blink of an eye. I just wish I had had the courage to tell him all of this before hand.

 

 

With more relationship experience, you'll discover this is very normal. Relationship can start off very intense and then burn out very quickly. At 5-6 months, this is when the honeymoon stage can end and you get a clearer picture of your true feelings. Most would tell you that this is very common. The excitement wears off and then you just don't feel it anymore.

 

 

As far as the anxiety and all the worrying about this or that in the relationship? How does that help? Worry is the most useless emotion humans deal with. Maybe you need to do some self improvement to get your anxiety to calm down a bit.

 

 

I had a relationship with a gal that was nice. No fights, it was real easy. I just found myself not feeling it w/her. I also started to feel some anxiety about the relationship and didn't enjoy spending time with her anymore. I finally ended it (at 6 months). I can't tell you how quickly ALL the anxiety went away driving home after breaking up with her. I took it as the anxiety was my brain telling me she wasn't "it" for me. It was the best thing to do for both of us.

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theopenmind05

You may be right about him knowing something was going on before hand. It did seem odd to me that he accepted the break up so quickly. He immediately told me he understood and that he's been in similar situations and that he was okay with just being friends. He even hinted that he wasn't completely sure himself how he felt about me, just that he knew he cared about me.

 

I think the hardest thing for me in all of this is knowing how much I must have hurt him. Throughout the relationship I told him how wonderful he was and how much I loved him because I honestly believed that I did at the time. But now, I just feel like I was lying to him and leading him on.

 

I really do want to stay friends with him because he is a great guy and apparently he does too or he wouldn't have suggested it. I honestly think I will be able to handle friendship since the deep feelings for him weren't there. It's just that if he felt stronger for me, I wonder if it will be too painful for him.

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Going from lovers to friends rarely works. You have to understand that. You'd be better off breaking contact w/him and moving forward so he can do the same.

 

 

It's a good statement that you feel bad about hurting him. Understand that you appeared to end it with kindness and compassion. He'll be ok and move on. Don't feel guilty. Millions of people end relationships all the time. Most have been dumped or dumped others. It's a part of the relationship process.

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Maybe you had cold feet? You'll know soon enough if you really love him or not. Until then just work through your feelings and see what's what.

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Since you are young, and this is your first serious relationship, I think it's normal for you to feel that way (both the anxiety and regret). I wouldn't worry unless you continue to feel anxious in every relationship for the next few years.

 

It's great that you are considering his feelings. The kindest think you can do is to leave him alone and allow him to heal.

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I think this is a case of cold feet as well.

 

5 months is still a relatively new relationship, if I were to date anyone who said they wanted to marry me this early, I think it would cause some anxiety as well!

 

In an ideal world, two people meet, go on a few dates, enter a relationship and fall in love at the exact same time. What's more common is that one person is further ahead, or lagging behind in the early stages.

 

Just because you're not at the mentality he's at doesn't mean you don't love him in the way you're capable of right now. It's a shock, but it doesn't necessarily indicate doom and gloom. Some people open up slower than others.

 

If you can however say: I can NEVER see a future with this person, then end it, because there's no point dragging it on.

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theopenmind05
I think this is a case of cold feet as well.

 

5 months is still a relatively new relationship, if I were to date anyone who said they wanted to marry me this early, I think it would cause some anxiety as well!

 

In an ideal world, two people meet, go on a few dates, enter a relationship and fall in love at the exact same time. What's more common is that one person is further ahead, or lagging behind in the early stages.

 

Just because you're not at the mentality he's at doesn't mean you don't love him in the way you're capable of right now. It's a shock, but it doesn't necessarily indicate doom and gloom. Some people open up slower than others.

 

If you can however say: I can NEVER see a future with this person, then end it, because there's no point dragging it on.

 

I too thought maybe things were moving too fast. This was my first relationship. I had my first kiss with this guy and he was my first time as well (I'm a very shy person). It was all a lot to take in in such a short amount of time and now the prospect of marriage too. I wouldn't say I could never see a future with him. I just got scared and anxious thinking about the future. He's out of town visiting relatives now and I told him I'd let him contact me when he was ready to talk again. I guess that will give me more time to sort out my feelings.

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