Reached Out To My Ex Today After 9 Months NC

[Catwalk87]

Hi everyone,

 

I thought long and hard before doing this and I finally decided to reach out to my ex fiancé after 9 months of NC. Our break up was HORRIBLE... We broke up on February of 13' and spent five months playing push pull and head games before I attempted suicide. It was ugly and even months after that he would randomly reach out.., his last time he reached out was a week before what was supposed to be our wedding... I was rude to him as I had been with my new guy for a few months (we are no longer together). I knew when I reached I needed to expect the worst. Honestly, I was everything but a saint in that relationship... I never once accepted any responsibility and he loved me through all my messes. I felt I genuinely owed him an apology. Here is how it went today through email:

 

Me: "Hey! I just wanted to say hi, and I hope you're doing great... I think of you often! Take Care"

Him: "oh ok, hi"

Me: "I'm sorry, my intentions were not to cause trouble. I'm sorry for reaching out"

Him: "Not causing trouble, Just wondering why your emailing me"

Me: "I'm sorry. I honestly just wanted to say hi, I figured there was enough time that passed that the bad blood we had between us subdued. I guess I just hoped one day, after being such a big part of my life we could be cordial. I'm (FINALLY!) getting ready to move out of state and I felt the need to reach out and apologize for a lot of things that happened between us (I know it's been quite some time and probably doesn't even matter to you anymore but I felt I owed it to you) and hope that you are doing good.

 

I truly had no bad intentions, I certainly don't mean to intrude on you and I won't bother you anymore.

 

I really am sorry for reaching out. I probably should have thought it through better."

 

Him: "I have no bad blood, goodluck"

 

I of course didn't respond... And I know I should've expected it and I do feel better that I Atleast let him know I was sorry but Jeesh.... I probably should've worded it differently?

[TaraMaiden2]

Your wording wasn't the point...

 

Think carefully before you answer:

 

Did you contact him to relieve you, or relieve him?

 

Because it's evident by his response - short and indifferent - that frankly, there was very little point in contacting him at all.

 

You were looking for 'closure'.

 

A lot of things were said and done; a lot of things were un-said, and not done.

 

There was a certain feeling of hanging in limbo for you.

You wanted to put a lid on it, and now, it seems, you have.

 

But how has it left you feeling?

[Jimmyjackson]

Who broke up with who and why?

 

It seems the contact was a bit pointless in my opinion, especially with him being so blunt but what's done is done I guess.

[Catwalk87]

To be honest, I feel okay. This was how the entire break up went... We always were playing games with each other and what not.

 

I truthfully never thought that we would just never speak again. From the rumor mill he has not dated since our break up and pretty much "hates woman"

 

I'm not going to lie I did it for me. I've reached a point in my life where I want to give apologies where they are due and be a better person.

 

I initially broke up with him because we weren't getting a long (I had an addiction he stood by me through which I am 13 months clean)... He would string me along into getting back together and then never do it,.. I would go nc and he would then walk back in every month like clock work... I think he finally realized what he was doing to me when I attempted suicide and that's when he stopped communicating. I know the break up was hard for him just like it was for me. I guess I was hoping for a more friendly response but I was also expecting the worst.

[dumbass2]

I applaud you for wanting to be a better person, but I don't think it is fair for you to go back and contact people from the past and apologize, unless having them back in your life, where they can benefit from having you in it, is one of the goals. If it is just to apologize for the sake of apologizing and relieving your guilt, then it is selfish and you should not do it. Leave the poor people alone. They probably don't give a crap any more and it will just bring up the bad memories.

 

You have to let things go on your own. You need to forgive yourself and not ask for it from others.

[Catwalk87]

Truthfully, he is the only person I have the desire to reach out to and apologize.

 

As I said to him, he was a massive part of my life and I felt I owed it to him... I don't want him thinking that all woman are horrible because of me.

 

I felt knowing him as deep as I do that even though he responded coldly I feel like deep down he appreciated it.

 

I know if one of my exes reached out and apologized I would appreciate it.

[DexterLS]

I am glad that you are trying to put the past behind you and working on improving yourself. Kudos to you for doing that.

 

The most important thing at this point is this: What are you going to do now? Restart No Contact?

[minime13]

I think it was pretty clear that you were doing it for yourself, and that's probably why you got the short responses.

 

Don't ever apologize for the sake of making yourself feel better. That's fake, and people know it's fake. Nobody likes feeling patronized like that.

 

It is okay to apologize, if you feel the need to let them know that you understood what you did and are sincerely sorry for that. However, most people don't need you to apologize in order to get over it. Forgiveness comes from within. If you have forgiven yourself for the things that you've done, and simply want to express that you are sorry - and expect nothing in return - that's one thing. To make yourself feel better and offer it as a condition to possibly start talking again - that's not right.

[Catwalk87]

I think it was pretty clear that you were doing it for yourself, and that's probably why you got the short responses.

 

Don't ever apologize for the sake of making yourself feel better. That's fake, and people know it's fake. Nobody likes feeling patronized like that.

 

It is okay to apologize, if you feel the need to let them know that you understood what you did and are sincerely sorry for that. However, most people don't need you to apologize in order to get over it. Forgiveness comes from within. If you have forgiven yourself for the things that you've done, and simply want to express that you are sorry - and expect nothing in return - that's one thing. To make yourself feel better and offer it as a condition to possibly start talking again - that's not right.

 

 

I think you are very much missing what I wrote. I had no desire for even a friendship (as I even wrote in my email). I sincerely owed him an apology. It had nothing to do with "making me feel better". I knew I would probably get short cold responses or none at all. I prepared myself for that. It was more than just "hey I'm sorry we didn't work out" or "hey sorry I hurt your feelings". No, this guy stood by me through an addiction, refused to give up on me when everyone else did, and STILL wanted to marry me. I owed HIM this apology MANY years ago. If he had moved on and was in a rationship I would not have bothered however after over two years of refusing to date. Yes, he deserved this and I deserved the cold answers.

[Catwalk87]

I am glad that you are trying to put the past behind you and working on improving yourself. Kudos to you for doing that.

 

The most important thing at this point is this: What are you going to do now? Restart No Contact?

 

I believe I made my point and while he will always have a special place in my heart ... Just not in each other's lives.

[mystikmind2005]

It is never too late to apologize, that is what i was always taught anyway.

 

If i was in his position, and i was involved with someone who nearly committed suicide, i would be terrified on the level of phobia of anything that i might say or do could risk that happening again..... i would have given exactly those type of responses what he gave you.

[minime13]

I think you are very much missing what I wrote. I had no desire for even a friendship (as I even wrote in my email). I sincerely owed him an apology. It had nothing to do with "making me feel better". I knew I would probably get short cold responses or none at all. I prepared myself for that. It was more than just "hey I'm sorry we didn't work out" or "hey sorry I hurt your feelings". No, this guy stood by me through an addiction, refused to give up on me when everyone else did, and STILL wanted to marry me. I owed HIM this apology MANY years ago. If he had moved on and was in a rationship I would not have bothered however after over two years of refusing to date. Yes, he deserved this and I deserved the cold answers.

 

You said you did it for yourself. You said you expected a friendlier response. Maybe I am completely misreading, but your statements don't make what you wrote in this post very clear.

 

It's up to you to forgive yourself and move on. It's not up to you to decide whether or not he deserves an apology or even wants one from you, though.

 

To me, with the posts you've written, it doesn't really seem sincere, and that's probably why the response wasn't friendlier. "Just wondering why your (sic) emailing me" was enough to tell you that it wasn't necessary.

 

You came here for advice and feedback, and I'm just giving you mine. You don't have to agree.

[Catwalk87]

Well, I can tell you I am in a VERY different state of mind then. And furthermore, we had our head games and discussions AFTER the episode.

[Catwalk87]

You said you did it for yourself. You said you expected a friendlier response. Maybe I am completely misreading, but your statements don't make what you wrote in this post very clear.

 

It's up to you to forgive yourself and move on. It's not up to you to decide whether or not he deserves an apology or even wants one from you, though.

 

To me, with the posts you've written, it doesn't really seem sincere, and that's probably why the response wasn't friendlier. "Just wondering why your (sic) emailing me" was enough to tell you that it wasn't necessary.

 

You came here for advice and feedback, and I'm just giving you mine. You don't have to agree.

 

I really don't think you are one to judge my sincerity, however your opinion is your own. And furthermore, he had the option to not respond and it wouldn't have gone further than the first one, no?

 

Also, when you say "it's not up to me to decide if he deserves an apology". Then who's is it? I'm the one who inflicted the pain... I have emails upon emails from over 7 months after we broke up of him telling me the pain I put him through.

[DexterLS]

Catwalk87,

 

Nobody is doubting your sincerity. I get that you really wanted to apologise to him but maybe you could have worded things differently. By the looks of it, you had an ulterior motive to be honest.

 

Nevertheless, I wish you all the best and I hope you keep on moving forward!

[ravfour4]

Seems like your response was sort of all over the place and he was sort of like "uh....get out of here".

 

In the same breath you said you wanted to apologize and that you shouldn't have reached out to him. You saw yourself writing that, but you still sent it. If I was him I'd think "why is she emailing me saying that she shouldn't email me?". I think you wanted him to say thank you I forgive you or something. Are you sure you don't have residual feelings for him? I dont know what your thinking, but your posts say otherwise. Think deeply about why you sent those messages and what an ideal response from him would have looked like. If you just wanted to apologize, you didn't need to apologize for apologizing.

[Catwalk87]

That saddens me if he saw it that way as well. I didn't have any other motive and I probably should have consulted here before sending it.

[Catwalk87]

Seems like your response was sort of all over the place and he was sort of like "uh....get out of here".

 

In the same breath you said you wanted to apologize and that you shouldn't have reached out to him. You saw yourself writing that, but you still sent it. If I was him I'd think "why is she emailing me saying that she shouldn't email me?". I think you wanted him to say thank you I forgive you or something. Are you sure you don't have residual feelings for him? I dont know what your thinking, but your posts say otherwise. Think deeply about why you sent those messages and what an ideal response from him would have looked like. If you just wanted to apologize, you didn't need to apologize for apologizing.

 

I apologized for bothering him. And your right after the cold responses there was a small part of me that thought I should not have done it but deep down I think we both needed it.

[wizer]

It's not clear what you're looking for here.

 

Advice? Confirmation that you did the right thing by calling him?

 

It's not clear. I see some very valid responses, most of which you reject outright.

 

It's my feeling that you contacted him as part of your own self prescribed "growth and development plan". You needed to do this to move forward, and ok I get that but on the other hand you say you did it because you owed him that much. So is it for you or for him?

 

I don't think you even know.

 

Anyway no harm done. He'll probably give it some thought for a day or two, maybe say to a friend "guess who I heard from?" and that will be the end of it. But regardless of why you did it, you are NOT doing him any favors by contacting him and reviving all those painful memories you bestowed upon him.

[ravfour4]

Your first message was great, but then it seems like once you got the "oh ok, hi" you panicked and started saying oh no, I shouldn't have reached out to you, sorry! Ignore that! Ah! I would have just left it after that and/or followed up with another sincere text like "well have a great day!" Or something. Your 2nd message seemed to retract the first, which probably confused him.

 

All in all, I don't think it's a big deal. Maybe your message made him smile for a minute, I doubt it did any harm.

[Catwalk87]

It's not clear what you're looking for here.

 

Advice? Confirmation that you did the right thing by calling him?

 

It's not clear. I see some very valid responses, most of which you reject outright.

 

It's my feeling that you contacted him as part of your own self prescribed "growth and development plan". You needed to do this to move forward, and ok I get that but on the other hand you say you did it because you owed him that much. So is it for you or for him?

 

I don't think you even know.

 

Anyway no harm done. He'll probably give it some thought for a day or two, maybe say to a friend "guess who I heard from?" and that will be the end of it. But regardless of why you did it, you are NOT doing him any favors by contacting him and reviving all those painful memories you bestowed upon him.

 

I do know I did it for both of us.

 

Truthfully, if I thought it would hurt him I wouldn't have done it.

 

I wish I could explain the complexity of us... I never believe that him and I will never not speak again.., that's just never been how we are.

 

Your probably right and I will let it go.

[dumbass2]

Agree. I don't think it did any harm, but please....DO NOT attempt to contact him ever again. Make that promise to you as part of your wanting to be a better person. What's done is done and time to move on for good and let him live his life and you yours without each other in it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I really don't think you are one to judge my sincerity, however your opinion is your own. And furthermore, he had the option to not respond and it wouldn't have gone further than the first one, no?

 

Also, when you say "it's not up to me to decide if he deserves an apology". Then who's is it? I'm the one who inflicted the pain... I have emails upon emails from over 7 months after we broke up of him telling me the pain I put him through.

 

People don't like to be reminded of that pain after a long period of time. You got short answers from him because he didn't want to talk about it. Many people can come to peace with things just fine without an apology. Personally, if you would have apologized to me out of the blue I would have been annoyed, because the last thing I want to discuss in any way is past drama.

 

The best apology is to leave the other person alone. Your apology, whether you meant it to be or not, benefited you a lot more than it benefited him.

[Hope Shimmers]

If I were him I would have been extremely confused by how you handled that exchange.

 

You said you wanted to apologize for your past actions. Yet your first email to him was: ""Hey! I just wanted to say hi, and I hope you're doing great... I think of you often! Take Care"

 

Where's the apology?

 

Then in the next couple of emails you apologize a total of 4 times for "reaching out" but technically you don't actually apologize for past actions at all.

 

It would seem your motives (consciously or not) were not just to apologize, because why not then just send him 1 email in which you write a cohesive paragraph saying you just want to apologize for things that happened in the past? That would have been a lot more clear. His short and cold replies were probably because he was confused and had no idea why you were writing.

 

Just my opinion.

[Catwalk87]

You are all probably very right that I shouldn't have reached out... I should've known better as I know how difficult it was when he kept reaching out of the blue to me.

 

I do mean what I say when I say that if I knew it would cause him pain it was not my intentions.

 

I also understand that he was probably very confused and I hope the short cold answers were out of confusion and not anger/sadness

 

I guess I shall chalk this up to an error in judgement, I thought I was doing the right thing apologizing for my mistakes.