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smoke or not to smoke(ultimatums)


innocntlisy1981

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innocntlisy1981

its quite simple really when me and my boyfriend met i smoked as well as did drugs and drank alot.i gave all up but smoking cigarettes i was going through a really hard time then and still am they are a stress relief for me

anyway bout 2 months int our relationship he started hetting narky like snatching thwm outa my hands chucking them in tha bin and just being a total jerk till tha fact that i couldnt even smoke in front of him anymore.he made me quit well atleaast i had to lie and say i quit.

so i was still having tha odd smoke mostly at work and parties behind his back cos i didnt want him to get angry with me so i hid it from him which i knew was wrong but he left me no choice.

we have been split up for 3 months and trying on working get bak together but he givin me ultamatums tha i quit smoking!!

i said no i will quit when i want to quit not beacause sum1 tells me to.it will be sumthing i do in my own time when i want to.

now he saying forget tha whole ****ing relationship all because i wont give in on his demands and quit smoking.

i think its sumthing i do when im ready not anytime sooner.

the point is i smoked when he met me and he shouldnt have come into the relationship thinking he could change me if he was that against smokers he shouldnt have dated me.he keeps saying he loves me how could that be when he gunna dump me for sumthing as litle as that!!

he has given me alot of ultimatums since weve been together and i dont like it

what do u think??

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I don't get your question.

 

You want to know if you should forget about the relationship? Absolutely.

 

As for assigning blame, that's sort of pointless. He doesn't know how to be in a relationship with an addict, and you don't know how to communicate your disease--rather than you both working on that, I think you should just move on.

 

However, not for his sake at all, but for the sake of your own health, you should really try your best to quit smoking.

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You should see that he wants you to quit simply for your own health and because he cares but if you want to make it out to be him trying to demand you to do something then hey, go for it.

 

Personally I think it is pretty lame when smokers use the "stress relief" as the excuse for why they smoke. Many other ways to relieve stress that won't end up giving you lung/throat cancer and make people not want to be around you.

 

Not a fan of smokers.

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my bf does the same when he STOPS smoking and i become the smoker in the relationship....he gets all holier-than-though.

 

luckily my bf is not a complete and total douch-bag about it, as it sounds your's is!

 

do you want to do this for him? it does not sound like it and quitting when you do not want to cause HE wants you to, may cause you to resent him....and do worse things, again. Kinda like doing exactly what your parents telll you not to do, just to spite them....that is what it is like...no fun.

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HokeyReligions

My husband never smoked, but I did. After we had been dating a while he casually said "I wish you didn't smoke, it's like kissing an ashtray"

 

So I quit. For 8 years. Then I started again and had to quit again. If he had given me an ultimatum I probably would have been so angry that we would have broken up. After I had started smoking again I would not smoke around him (sat outside on the patio rather than in the house with him) and I brushed my teeth and used mints before I would kiss him. That got old fast! ;) I realized that he didn't want me to smoke because he cared about me and I asked for, and received, his support when I quit again.

 

It was MY decision to quit because I cared about his feelings (and I like kissing :D). He approached it the best way. Maybe your bf just doesn't know how to approach the subject with you or how to give you the support you need to quit. Talk with him about it if you DO want to quit. If you just don't want to quit, then I would say talk to him about it and let him know that he needs to change his approach with future relationships if he has a problem with smoking or other habits his future girlfriends may have, then wish him well and move along.

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innocntlisy1981

thanks for ur reply guys.

i am starting to resent him a little bit and i know its not all his fault.

when i was a kig growin up my parents wre really sttrict in tha worst possible way and no as a adult it has made me basically hate been told what to do and bosses around and that is how my boyfriend is making me feel.

all through our relationship he has giving me ultimatums about everything hes like a damn whingeing female he never stops complaining its like as hard ad i try nothing is good enoughth as soon as i stop one thing he will continue to find sumthing else to complain bout

when does it ever end

smoking thing i s alast straw im just rebelling from him cos ive decided that ive had enoughth and im not being told what to do anymore he treats me like his dam child he can bark orders at not his girlfriend.

im an adult not a baby and he is making me feel like his child

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innocntlisy1981

and now that he has drummed it into my head that much i think that even if he accepted it i could never smoke in front of him againanyway cos he has made me that uncomfortable about it.

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If your bf hates smoke I think that smoking in the house you share is rude. Expecially if he quitted. I believe that tolerating smoke is harder for those who quit than to those who never lit themselves a cigarette.

 

Said that, I think that snatching a cigarette from someone's hands to throw them in the bin is very controlling behaviour, and *way* more rude.

 

I won't smoke in your house or enter your house reeking of cigarette smoke if it bothers you, but don't you dare ever snatch a cigarette from my hands.

 

It also worries me that he would get angry if you smoke at parties or when you are out with friends. I don't buy the "he cares for your health" line.

If he cared about your health, he's *ask*nicely that you quit smoking, or that you reduce the number of cigarettes, and he'd show actual concern for your health -he'd not act like a huge jerk.

He'd try to work on a compromise with you instead of giving you ultimatums.

 

Does your bf have any friend that smokes?

If so, would ha snatch cigarettes from their hands and act like a jerk with them? Or he isn't bothered by cigarettes *his friends* light?

If he acts this way even with his friends, he probably has only smokes issues and it might perhaps be worth it to quit smoking to stay with him.

Just because smoking is bad for our health! But he'd have to calm down a little!!

 

If it's only a problem he has with you, try to find out why.

 

Would he be offended by his soul mate doing something he loathes and knowing that he loathes it? (like a person who loves animals who sees his partner kick a dog) In this case, it might be still worth it to quit smoking for him.

(if so you have to decide whether it's worth it or not, and this is a totally different story)

 

Or does it look like a plain control problem? If you have the feeling that with this guy you might end up walking on eggshells all the time, or that when and if you'll have quitted smoking it will be something else, then run away from him as fast as you can!!!!

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I understand that your ex-bf was quite rude and demanding.

 

Your smoking addiction may be a powerful compulsion that is hard to control.

 

And most of all...smoking is disgusting. It smells so bad. It is about the same as having someone spray insecticide on my blouse. My body recoils.

 

I can't blame your ex-bf for hating your smoking habit, nor can I blame you for your inability to give it up. I recommend you seek out someone with similar substance abuse habits to your own. :sick:

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