My Story: Complicated 7 Year Relationship Comes to a Sudden End

[jzucca]

TL;DR: My ex and I met in 2007 during our Freshman year of college. We fell in love quickly and started fighting after the honeymoon period was over. I emotionally abused her during these fights while she emotionally and physically abused me. This happened 5-10 times per year. When not fighting, everything was great. Became drug addict in Winter 2009, fights got worse. In Summer of 2011 I got clean (for her) and worked at a great job for the next 1.5 years. She graduated and got a good job in this time, I quit to finish college in 2013 (with her full support). Fell back into drugs and made very little progress with my academics until August 2014 when I quit opiates for the final time. Wasn't able to attend college or work in the Fall Semester. She supported this and just wanted me to get better. Still paid my half of bills.

 

Things got better (I thought) until she broke up with me in January after a fight. She tells me she needs to prove to herself that she can live on her own and without a significant other. She eventually says she wants an educated, intelligent, stable man and is not sure if I am him. Also has a hard time trusting me because I didn't reveal to ger I was raped when we were 19 until the Friday before we broke up. We spent a lot of time together immediately after breakup but she gets progressively angrier. Divide finances, I pay almost all credit card debt, because most was my fault, and I gave her the equivalent of $2000 to cover anything else. Eventually I get a message saying we need to live our lives separately. I ask if there is a possibility for a future, she says she won't promise anything but she isn't ruling anything out. She doesn't want to waste either of our time or redirect from personal growth.

 

My questions are at the bottom.

 

 

 

Hi, my name is Jeremy and after lurking on this forum for the last three months I feel like I finally want to make a post about my relationship and subsequent breakup.

 

My ex and I met in August of 2007, started dating in September of 2007 and were inseparable until our breakup in January of this year. Each of us came into the relationship with our own set of problems. She had just broken up with her previous boyfriend of six years, had anger issues and cut herself from time to time . I was horribly depressed after the loss of a close relative earlier that year and was beginning a habit of substance abuse to deal with my issues. Despite these problems we were completely infatuated with each other. We fell in love very quickly and were talking about being together for the rest of our lives within a month of starting dating. In November of that year we moved in together.

 

After the honeymoon period of 6 months or so was over we began fighting. At this point I find it hard to remember what the fights were about or why they started. The only two things I can be sure of is that each time she cut I was very disturbed by the act and that she had an abortion during the summer before we met which I was almost militantly against at the time. She also began to hit me during some our worse fights that year. My faults in this situation are that I drank and smoked marijuana regularly, as did she, during this period, I would make her feel bad about her abortion, and call her crazy or psycho for cutting. I'm not sure if the things I said lead to her physically abusing me or if after she began hitting me I began to use her past and current actions as a way of hurting her. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior, which I accept full responsibility for and think was horrible, but wish I knew what came first.

 

The only event that I do remember clearly, since I was completely sober, was one day when we were coming back to work from lunch. We were arguing about something very minor, I didn't agree with her point, and she punched me in the chest. I looked up and a large group of men was watching the whole exchange. They began laughing. I walked into my supervisor's office and quit before I had to face what they would say to me. After leaving I almost went home, packed her things, and put them outside but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

 

Despite all of this physical and emotional abuse, we stayed together and were happy when we weren't fighting. At least, I think we were happy...

 

The fights that contained either form of abuse happened anywhere from 5-10 times per year. However, when we weren't fighting, things were great. We were best friends, did everything together and we both leaned on the other when one of us was going through hard times. I truly believe if either of us was missing the love and support given by the other we may not be here today, at least I know I wouldn't.

 

After an accident at work and the divorce of my parents near the end of 2009 I began abusing oxycontin. This continued until the summer of 2011 when my family pulled an unofficial intervention and got me a very good job at a company that was a dream to work for. At this point she was very close to leaving me. She was physically abusing me much more regularly now which culminated in her breaking my collar bone a few weeks before starting my job. I was a complete wreck. At this point she was telling me I deserved the abuse and everything wrong in our lives was my fault. For months she wouldn't speak to me more than half of the time, berated me for my past mistakes regularly, and withheld sex and intimacy. I completely accepted everything she said and did because I believed her when she said everything was my fault, quit using drugs (for her, not myself), and worked hard at my new job. Around the summer of 2012 she began to move past her anger towards me and we were truly happy again.

 

I quit my job at the end of 2012 to go back to college, which I never finished. I did well at the junior college I attended for the first two semesters but at the same time I fell back to the habit of using drugs. During 2014 I didn't do well in college due to my drug use and had to withdraw from my classes in the first semester. The physical and verbal abuse also restarted during this period, as well as her blaming me for any problem that might be going on in our lives, even things that were completely unrelated to my drug usage. Finally, in August of 2014, I quit using drugs and began seeing a therapist weekly. I thought this would be the answer to all of our problems.

 

Attending therapy has been one of the best decisions I have made, though it has been hard. My clear mind, coupled with the therapist's questions about my past, led me to think about events I was doing my best to block out for years. When I was a child I was molested by an older man and when I was 19 I unknowingly took a date rape drug and was raped at a club in New Orleans. These two revelations, coupled with my brain chemistry being altered by years of drug abuse, sent me into a deep depression. I told her about the molestation in September and she was very sympathetic. "So many things about you make sense now." The revelation of the rape would come later.

 

I didn't enroll in college last fall, or work, because of the horrible state I was in mentally. My family helped me with my half of bills while I got through this period and she told me she was completely fine with both of those decisions since I was finally, "becoming the man she had been waiting so long for". Most of the time she was completely happy with me and my progress. Since she was a college grad with a good job I stressed about not having a job or being in college but she would tell me not to worry about it, just take this time to get better. Other times, probably once or twice a week, she would come home from work completely unprovoked and start berating me for money problems and my drug use. She wasn't wrong about most of the things she was saying. We had a high credit card bill because of me and I know my usage caused a lot of problems between us (even though she was using too, albeit in smaller quantities and more responsibly). I began to resent her for this because I knew my errors, had apologized for them, and was doing everything I was capable of to fix them. There was no way everything wrong in our lives could be my fault. In October she tried to hit me for the final time. I dodged her fist, grabbed her arm and pushed her into a wall telling her that if it ever happened again I would leave.

 

This all culminated the weekend before Thanksgiving. She was going through one of her regular rants about my errors and I finally broke. I didn't raise my voice but I told her that after our trip to her parents for Thanksgiving I was thinking about moving out for a month or two to finish my recovery. Her actions were making me want to use drugs badly and I couldn't deal with them anymore. She was very upset and cut herself. This further reinforced my decision that it would probably be a good idea to leave for a short period of time. I didn't want to breakup, just take some time apart. Over Thanksgiving we had a wonderful time and managed to work things out, so I stayed.

 

Things were going well after Thanksgiving. We both seemed happy, though we still fought (civilly) occasionally. Christmas came and went and I was enrolled in a full load of classes for the Spring Semester. I even took out a larger student loan than I needed to cover all of the credit card bills and problems we were having with money. Everything was finally coming together and we were both so happy (or so she said). From Christmas until January 22, I told everyone I knew that I didn't know life could be this good. Colors seemed brighter, food tasted better and life seemed like it was worth living for the first time in a very long time. I didn't realize the depressed state I had been in for nearly a decade. I was dealing with my childhood issues (molestation, abandonment by parents, and merciless bullying by kids at school) in a healthy way and finally moving past them. The woman I had chosen to be my partner in life was by my side and supporting me completely. She was even dealing with her past as well through therapy and was leaving behind her violent, angry side. Life was good.

 

Even the memory of being raped coming back near the beginning of January couldn't bring me down. (Isn't the way the mind works amazing? The day after it happened I told myself I was going to forget about it and did! I didn't think about it for years.) The Friday before we broke up, I told her about being raped. Again, she was very sympathetic but it seemed different than when I told her about being molested. There was nothing overtly wrong with her reaction but something seemed off about the interaction.

 

One week before we broke up, I asked her to quit smoking marijuana with me for at least a month. Both of us had smoked every day for most of our relationship and I thought it was time to truly start working out things from the past completely sober. She agreed and told me at the time she thought it was a great idea. We planned to start couple's counseling during February and all seemed good.

 

On January 21, I went to my doctor and while I was there asked him for a few sleeping pills to get through the initial phase of quitting marijuana. He agreed and gave me seven. That night, we had a wonderful dinner together and talked about how things were finally looking up and seemed like they were going in a positive direction. She told me how in love with me she was again, how she couldn't wait to start working through our problems in counselling, and how she was so looking forward to starting to plan our wedding soon. We went home, I took my sleeping pill, and got in bed. The topic of counselling came up and I mentioned that we would have to talk about the physical abuse. She became defensive and told me I deserved it. One thing led to another and I called her a psycho (the statement I most regret making in my life).

 

The next day she hinted that she was going to breakup with me and stayed with a friend. The following day, her Dad flew to our city and she broke up with me that night. Her reasons were that she needed to prove to herself that she could live independently, find out what life was like without a significant other (she had effectively been in a relationship since she was 12), and that we both needed to work on ourselves. In another conversation she would tell me I wasn't educated, intelligent, or stable enough, she couldn't trust me after keeping the rape a secret for so long, and that she thinks she only fell in love with me because I was "edgy". I didn't know how to respond to that... I realize I have not graduated from college at this point and may not have been the most stable person at times, but all of those things were being fixed. I was truly working on them and was showing obvious improvement, as was she, with each other's love and support. She also accused me of projecting my drug problems on her by asking her to quit smoking with me even though she agreed that it was a good idea. She made the comment on several occasions that she wanted to start over and try again one day. At times she said in six months, at times she said one year, and another time she said once I finish college in 2-3 years.

 

Following the breakup she seemed very friendly. She invited me over several times during the next few days, but each time she grew colder and colder until she wouldn't look me in the eye on the final night. We had plans to meet that Friday but I cancelled, thinking it would be best to take some space since she was so angry. The next time we saw each other was when we divided finances. Seeing as I caused many financial problems over the years, I felt obligated to give her something extra for any of my actions she might have suffered from. To simplify, I gave her the equivalent of $2,000 I wasn't required to give. She seemed happy with this. After the meeting was over I asked her not to bring anyone I didn't know back to the house I allowed her to live in while she found a new apartment. She seemed fine with this request and we parted with a hug.

 

Five days later we met to handle some paperwork involving our cars. She was completely furious and would barely speak to me. When she did she told me she felt she needed to be compensated more for our relationship than she already was and that it was wrong for me to ask her not to bring anyone back to the house we once shared. She also accused me of going through her messages (I didn't, just was worried about someone I didn't know coming into my house) because that was the only reason I would have asked her not to bring someone back. I didn't know what to say and kept silent the rest of the time. I told her I wouldn't contact her for a month and we parted ways.

 

The following Saturday was Valentine's Day and I drunkenly sent her a message (huge mistake) asking if she wanted to go to the reservations I had made for us. No response. The next day she sent a message saying she moved out, we needed to live our lives separately, and to not call or text. I was, and still am, completely devastated.

 

A month later I sent an email informing her she left her bike at my house and I wanted to give her the opportunity to pick it up. In this email I also asked if her last text meant that there was no chance of us reconnecting to try again in the future. She responded that she didn't want to make any promises but she also didn't want to rule anything out. She didn't want to waste my time or hers, or redirect from personal growth.

 

One more email was sent about a financial issue that was unresolved and that conversation ended with her asking me not to contact her again.

 

So here we are. I am completely lost in life after slipping back into a heavy depression when she broke up with me. Over the last seven years, I made her my entire world and relied on her for almost everything. I had to withdraw from college this semester because I couldn't force myself to go to class for almost a month and a half. When I did go to class, I couldn't concentrate because I was thinking of her constantly.I have been on several job interviews but no one has hired me yet. I have been spending time with friends but I feel completely disconnected from them and isolated even amongst a large group of people. I went to my doctor 3 weeks ago to start taking antidepressants but they haven't helped yet. I have moved back in with my grandparents because I can't stay in the home we shared for more than a few hours. The only positive I see is that I didn't start using drugs again.

 

I am a complete wreck. Even three months after the breakup I still randomly cry several times per week about the situation. I just don't know where to go from here. I am forcing myself to get out of the house and try to find some normalcy but it completely escapes me. The only thing keeping me going is the hope that she will want to try again at some point in the future. My favorite time of the day is when I can sleep for two reasons: I am away from the feelings I have and I dream about her almost nightly. After having these great dreams of her I wake up devastated again, feeling like I pushed away the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

 

I know I am putting her on a pedestal, I need to move on, and I need to find happiness from within instead of searching for it in others.

 

I would love to receive feedback that any of you want to offer, whether it's questions, comments, or advice. Thanks to any of you for reading this short story length post.

[Downtown]

Jeremy, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behaviors you describe for your exGF -- i.e., the event-triggered irrational anger, hating to be alone, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), repeated self harming (i.e., "cutting"), strong verbal and physical abuse, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of having strong traits of BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. You do too. Indeed, we all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as cutting, physical abuse, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

She emotionally and physically abused me. This happened 5-10 times per year.... She was physically abusing me much more regularly now which culminated in her breaking my collar bone.... She has anger issues.

If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

I note that three of the nine traits used in defining BPD (i.e., in diagnosing it) are anger-related issues. Specifically, one of those nine defining traits is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger," a second traits is "Intense and highly changeable moods," and the third is "A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones...." Of the ten personality disorders (PDs) in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the only one having "inappropriate, intense anger" as a defining trait.

 

For these reasons, the repeated physical abuse of a partner -- as you describe -- has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

She had had anger issues and cut herself from time to time.... each time she cut I was very disturbed by the act.

Jeremy, the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD. That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has cutting listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

Attending therapy has been one of the best decisions I have made, though it has been hard.

Jeremy, I am glad to hear that you have the courage, wisdom, and self awareness to seek therapy for yourself. Due to the sexual abuse you experienced at a young age, you might be experiencing some moderate-to-strong traits of a disorder yourself. Hopefully, you have a good therapist. Is he/she a psychologist (i.e., having a PhD degree in psychology)? If not, did he/she come highly recommended due to being very experienced with PDs and other disorders?

 

I would love to receive feedback that any of you want to offer.

I suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect that they will. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and recommend some good online resources.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these red flags will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and also avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if your exGF does have strong BPD traits). Take care, Jeremy.

[jzucca]

I suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect that they will.

 

Wow... I can attribute a lot of these to her. It's a little scary actually. I have no interest in trying to diagnose her issues at this point but it does give me some insight on her behavior, where it comes from, and what to avoid.

 

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and also avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if your exGF does have strong BPD traits).

 

At the moment, even after reading this, I would take her back in the future provided she works on her problems. However, I'm doing my best to remain open minded about that decision and I'm not completely set on what to do. I'm still going to do my best to move on regardless of what I think might happen in time to come so I'm not disappointed any further.

 

Is there a possibility we could have a healthy relationship if she works on these issues? Or should I avoid it altogether in the future? I want to say that if her old behavior showed in a new relationship I would leave but part of me is worried that I wouldn't be able to and I would be sucked in again. I am genuinely interested in your opinion since I feel completely ignorant at this point on the subject of healthy love and relationships. I'm trying to use this as a learning experience so I don't repeat my mistakes.

 

 

Due to the sexual abuse you experienced at a young age, you might be experiencing some moderate-to-strong traits of a disorder yourself. Hopefully, you have a good therapist. Is he/she a psychologist (i.e., having a PhD degree in psychology)? If not, did he/she come highly recommended due to being very experienced with PDs and other disorders?

 

I feel like I have a good therapist but I also don't have much experience with them. She wasn't recommended due to any specific experience she had and personality disorders haven't come up at all.

 

What is the best way to discover if I have a disorder? I would like to know so I can do everything possible to correct it and live a healthy life.

[Downtown]

Wow... I can attribute a lot of these to her. It's a little scary actually.

Jeremy, if you would like to discuss the BPD warning signs further, it would be helpful to know (a) whether MOST of those signs sound very familiar and (b) which of the signs are the strongest and which do not seem to apply at all, and © whether my posts in Rebel's thread ring many bells. I ask because not all of the signs are equal in importance. Some (e.g., a strong abandonment fear that usually is evident in irrational jealousy) are hallmarks that nearly always are present when BPD traits are strong.

 

Is there a possibility we could have a healthy relationship if she works on these issues?

Yes, it is possible. Even if she were to have full-blown BPD, most major cities offer excellent treatment programs wherein a therapist teaches BPDers how to acquire the emotional skills she never had an opportunity to learn in early childhood. One problem, however, is that this process takes several years of intensive therapy (at the very least). A larger problem is that BPD is "ego-syntonic," which means it is such a natural part of the way the individual has been thinking since early childhood that it is invisible to that individual.

 

A related problem is that a BPDer typically is filled with so much self loathing and low self esteem that the last thing she wants to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. The result is that it is rare for a BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength required to seek therapy and work at it long enough to make a real difference. If I had to guess, I would say that maybe 1% of BPDers are able to accomplish that.

 

I feel like I have a good therapist but I also don't have much experience with them. She wasn't recommended due to any specific experience she had and personality disorders haven't come up at all.

Has your exGF been seeing a therapist on her own? If so, and if BPD actually is involved, you cannot rely on HER therapist to tell her -- much less tell you. Therapists generally are loath to tell a client the name of her disorder when it is BPD -- for reasons I discuss at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

 

As to your own therapist, it would be prudent to ask her about the likelihood of your exGF or yourself having strong traits of a PD. Keep in mind that, as is true for all professions, the members of the psychiatric community vary greatly in skill sets. Hence, if you are uncomfortable with the advice given by your current therapist, you may want to consider obtaining a second opinion from a good clinical psychologist who has the reputation of being very experienced with treating and diagnosing folks experiencing sexual abuse in childhood and drug abuse in the early twenties. If that second opinion supports what your therapist has said, you may decide to continue seeing your current therapist.

 

After the honeymoon period of 6 months or so was over we began fighting.

If your exGF has strong traits of narcissism or sociopathy, the blissful period during the courtship period likely would be explained by deception and manipulation -- designed to pull you in. Yet, if she has strong traits of BPD, her intense infatuation over you likely was very real. With BPDers, that infatuation convinces them that you are nearly perfect and pose no threat to her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment). The infatuation therefore holds the fears at bay -- which means the BPD traits typically are suppressed throughout this infatuation period. When that infatuation starts to evaporate, the fears return and the BPD traits start to show themselves very strongly.

 

What is the best way to discover if I have a disorder? I would like to know so I can do everything possible to correct it and live a healthy life.

I suggest you ask your therapist. If you don't trust her judgment for some reason, I suggest you obtain a second opinion -- as I recommended above. Significantly, no member of this forum can tell you whether you do or don't have a full-blown disorder. The best we can do is point you to good online resources describing the warning signs for various disorders. With that information, you can decide for yourself whether you seem to have sufficient issues to warrant seeking a professional opinion (or, perhaps, a second professional opinion).

 

When I was a child I was molested by an older man.

Most children who are abused or molested in childhood do NOT develop a PD. Such a sexual trauma does, however, increase the child's risk of developing a PD. That is, the risk is greater but most children still won't develop a PD unless the trauma is very severe and/or the child has inherited a genetic predisposition toward developing some type of PD.

 

Were you under the age of five when the sexual abuse occurred? Did it happen more than once? I ask because a childhood trauma typically is more damaging when it occurs before age five. The reason is that, when it occurs at age 3 or 4, it can freeze the child's emotional development at a time when he is struggling to develop an integrated sense of self and to learn how to regulate his own emotions. Another important factor is whether you were obtaining adequate validation and love from your parents during your early childhood.

 

As I said earlier, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the PD traits because these are basic human behaviors that, for the most part, serve to protect our egos and our safety, especially during childhood. I therefore caution you against jumping to the rash conclusion that anything I've said indicates you have a PD. If you suspect a problem (e.g., with the depression and excessive drug use), see a professional who is trained to diagnose you properly.