I broke up with my LDR girlfriend after 1.5 years of relationship

[littlesmurf]

I have been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years, we were in LDR, and I broke up with her few days ago. We met online and we met in real life after 6 months. We were crazy for each other and everything was beautiful and nice up until point I came back after seeing her in real life. Because of current financial situation on both sides we haven't seen each other for about 6 months and probably wouldn't see each other in next few months.

 

So let me explain her mental status 1st, she is very depressive person and sucidal. She is currently on medications and she would self harm herself for stupid things. She is very instable emotionally, but she did showed love up until one point, and that was basically after I came back. We would have fights every single week, and even break up weekly and get back together like next day.

The relationship started sucking the life out of me, she would show no love, she would get moody, then she would be all of a sudden alright and happy and so on. You get by this that I was very unhappy as a human being for last half of year, and happy at some times. So to fast forward, recently she would be "sleepy" because of antidepressants and she would sleep whole day long and spend like 2 hours a day with me and I found that EXTREMELY weird. So one day we were playing a game, and I got mad and started shouting at her and she left after we finished and I apologized for what I did. But she said whole day long "leave me alone" and I simply didnt had any more tolerance for that type of behavior so I called her and then saw her that she readded a guy that has insulted me openly and I told her to remove him which she did and after few days he readded her and she accepted. I went crazy when I saw that and called her. That same evening I broke up with her. Now, she is all the time playing with him and she totally shows no signs of emotions. I called her 2 days after we broke up to say whats on my heart and she said how she is just a friend and she doesn't care about him. Apparently he is 1 year younger. She didn't showed any signs of emotions and it looked to me like she couldn't waited to hung up the call. Then I asked her if we will now completely remove each other from lives or go on to rebuild this relationship, and she cold-heartedly said "goodbye" and hung up. She said "I love you but I don't want to be with you, maybe in future, if you can change your temper".

 

One more thing, she sleep-texted a guy recently and told him she would kiss him back. It was a friend that she hasn't spoke and met him online. And she said that she wasn't fully wake and that she didn't knew what she was typing. She sent me that morning a pic of her arm full of cuts. I asked her when I called her, if she cheated on me, and to stop lying to me and she said she hasn't cheated except that and that she has been fully faithful to me.

 

Sorry for wall of text, but I needed to spit out all of this.

Edited March 22, 2015 by littlesmurf

[mightycpa]

As harsh as this sounds, you're probably better off. Try to find somebody local to you. It will be a ton easier on you.

[littlesmurf]

As harsh as this sounds, you're probably better off. Try to find somebody local to you. It will be a ton easier on you.

 

I can honestly say that I now feel better that I broke up with her. She was sucking life out of me, but she is my biggest love....

[Downtown]

She is very depressive person and suicidal.... she would self harm herself for stupid things. She is very instable emotionally.... We would have fights every single week, and even break up weekly....

Smurf, the behaviors you describe -- e.g., the arm cutting, "suicidal" actions, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and black-white thinking -- are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your exGF. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as self harming, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

She sent me that morning a pic of her arm full of cuts.

Smurf, the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD. That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has cutting listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

If your exGF really does have strong BPD traits, the chances are good she will try to win you back at some time in the future. If you ever feel inclined to take her back, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with.

 

I also suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, Smurf.