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She left for another guy, came back, promised the world, and left again ....


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Met my now ex girlfriend last year. Hit it off completely. We both fell in love. Relationship was great, but after 6-7 months or so, I started wanting guys nights etc. apparently too many to her.. We had little fights, some her fault, some mine. Had short breakups with each other only lasting a couple days at a time. By the way, she is 22 and I am 29 so there is a bit of an age gap.

 

a month ago, she gets a call when im with her from a random guy ive never heard of. said it was a guy she went on one date with a while back and had no idea why he was calling. i was suspicious but i let it go. we went to my place that night, showered/sex, then i drove her to work the next morning. I didnt hear from her again. she literally blocked all means of contact with me (actually DELETED social media accounts). found out my suspicions were right and that she was talking to this guy behind my back.

 

I was in shambles, i wrote her an email, told her to call me to give me closure if she wanted. she called me a few days later and like an idiot, i poured my heart out to her, told her things would be different (i did a lot of soul searching) but she told me she was happy now. I let her go after an hour of talking after hearing that. The next night, she called me crying. Said I was all she could think about and she left the new guy because he threatened her and was jealous/had trust issues.

 

I took her back... dumb idea.

I showed her the real me, all the love i could give her, the attention (spent every minute together), everything was great, she even booked me in to a trip to cuba that was supposed to be this saturday with her family. I was very excited and thought it would be a great bonding time for us. or so i thought.. she lied to me today.. said that she couldnt hang out tonight because she was going to the vet with her dad after work then going to the mall to get stuff with her parents for cuba.. when she didnt text me for 3 hours i became worried.. i called/texted her and got no responses whatsoever.. then i called her parents house (she lives there right now).. hoping no one would answer and that she was telling the truth. her dad answered. he said he didnt know anything about going to the vet or the mall... i called her 4 times in a row to figure everything out. no answers at all. then she called me back 5 minutes later. i asked her why she lied to me because i talked to her parents.. then she started crying, said she was having second thoughts and that she didn't know if she wanted a relationship at all anymore... in 8 hours?? really? I became quite upset with her.. told her exactly how i felt and how she did me wrong a second time. fool me twice, shame on me right? anyway, she wouldn't stop crying, but never really Made any sort of effort to explain why to me.. I am feeling pissed off/hurt again, but more pissed than hurt... the first time she left for another guy i was hurt.. she swears up and down its not for someone else and that she just need to be single for a while to figure herself out, but also told me she does still love me and always will.. i have book bag of some of her things that she wants back.. i will give it back but i will just drop it off at her work with someone else... I said some things out of anger to her.. but kept asking her "how could you do me like this??" without any real answers.

 

how should i be feeling? how should i deal with this properly from here on out? i really thought this girl was the one.. ugh.. help!!

 

SIDE NOTES THAT WERENT INCLUDED:

 

I should also add, the guy she left me for was booked into the trip with her family (after only dating him for over a week) before she left him... He threatened her for his $1,000 back so she had to give it to him out of pocket (no cancellation insurance) and then also paid $250 out of her own pocket to change his name to mine... This guy also found out that she had me an him gojng at the same time so he is pissed and I know he doesn't want her back, and her parents would disown her for going back to him..

 

I still very much care for this girl even after the bull she just put me through... We had a bit of an on off relationship in the past, but it was mostly good. I just don't understand... How can someone do that? Her parents are pissed off at her for what she has done to me, but it seems like it doesn't even phase her... She will be going to Cuba in a couple hours with her family, and here I am, laying in bed having trouble sleeping, needing some advice... Does she really need space or is she just trying to let me down easy? I mean, she told me I was her whole world not even a week ago, now there is nothing... Is she bipolar or something? It probably doesn't help that her "best friend" (who is a single mom, with three guys on the go, and the baby daddy wanting her back) technically "set her up" with that other guy... I know she doesn't like me, but it's only because I have put her in her place in the past. This girl is my exs only real friend, but I am starting to see her friend in her more and more... I told her she needs new friends, that the one she has Is toxic... She also works with her... Could it just be her friend putting things in her head? I am not a bad guy at all, always told im a good man... Just confused guys, any insight into this would be much appreciated, thanks!

 

I can't stop thinking about her and it's driving me insane... Can't imagine her with someone else.. I know it's selfish of me but I still have that feeling that it isn't over, that someday she will realize that her friend is a bad influence and that I was the guy for her and she will come back for good... Am I wrong to think that?

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OneBigIdgit

I think that at this point in time, count your blessings and walk away from this girl for at least 5 years. If life leads you 2 back together, take things really slow and pay attention to whether she still shows the same confusion and prone to drama.

 

 

I think this girl is going to mess with your head for however long you allow it

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What's worse is that I am the only guy she has ever come back to... Do you think she will try and come back again down the road knowing the story??

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I should also mention I have had no contact with her during the break up so far. I want to plant that seed in her mind of the good man she lost.

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I should also mention I have had no contact with her during the break up so far. I want to plant that seed in her mind of the good man she lost.

 

NC isnt supposed to be a manipulative tool to show your ex anything. Its supposed to be for your healing and for you to move on.

 

What you need to do is not focus on her coming back yet again once she realises what a good man you are. Sorry to break this to you, but she probably sees you as a good guy and just doesnt give a good God damn about it. The only thing she sees is that you are an option she can go to when the world kicks her in the teeth and thats about it.

 

She is a low character woman. You deserve better and you know it.

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Eaglestar83

She is 22, I wouldn't even be bothered. Girls at that age are super fickle, you can not depend on them to bring you a cup of water, let alone trust them with your heart, and mental health. You need to find someone stable and mature enough to know that life is for living, not constant drama.

 

Girls in their twenties are generally very unstable, especially those below 25. Their feelings change like the wind. Find a healthy, mature and responsible woman to date, not a self centred girl princess

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She is 22, I wouldn't even be bothered. Girls at that age are super fickle, you can not depend on them to bring you a cup of water, let alone trust them with your heart, and mental health. You need to find someone stable and mature enough to know that life is for living, not constant drama.

 

Girls in their twenties are generally very unstable, especially those below 25. Their feelings change like the wind. Find a healthy, mature and responsible woman to date, not a self centred girl princess

 

 

 

I am starting to believe that.. even though it is quite hard to believe. The first 10 months of our relationship was sort of long distance but not really.. i flew to work for 3 weeks at a time and then off for 2 weeks. It was great. She never gave me one reason to question her or anything like that. Always professed her love to me, did things for me that she would have never done for one of her exs in the past.. It is just all so much. She never ever returned to an ex, except for me.. I dream about her, which I have heard is a sign that she is thinking about/wants me back.. Not sure if there is much merit to that theory but still.. I mean, I know she did me wrong, twice.. But I still can't help but think about her almost all day long. nearly %80 of my day is spent thinking about the "what ifs"... I know that she will try and come back again sometime soon, that is the kind of relationship we have.. we are both very much in love with each other and she professed her love to me even when she called me and told me she was confused and didnt know if she wanted a relationship... Do girls remember the guy that treated them great? Because I know I did, unfortunetly it looks like it was too little too late... not sure if I am right about that though thats the problem.. so many what ifs...

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She is 22, I wouldn't even be bothered. Girls at that age are super fickle, you can not depend on them to bring you a cup of water, let alone trust them with your heart, and mental health. You need to find someone stable and mature enough to know that life is for living, not constant drama.

 

Girls in their twenties are generally very unstable, especially those below 25. Their feelings change like the wind. Find a healthy, mature and responsible woman to date, not a self centred girl princess

 

+1 for your whole post, Eaglestar83. Girls in their early 20s are still 'girls' in that they have little to no real life experience yet. Plus, they are as emotionally stable as a two-legged table, since they haven't emotionally matured yet.

 

What brought you two together, matty2049? Why date someone so young when you're 29 and could date women closer to your own age? I think you should try to find someone closer to your own age to date. You won't have the same kinds of problems because a 29 year old woman has far more emotional maturity and life experience than a 22 year old girl does.

 

She's proven to you twice now, that she's immature and incapable of having an adult, romantic relationship with you. Twice.

 

The 'what ifs' trap is a common trap to fall into immediately following the breakup. It's the first stage you go through emotionally and intellectually, as your mind and heart battle to process why the relationship failed. Well, it's pretty easy to see why your relationship failed. You were dating a very, very immature girl.

 

The way out of the 'what if' trap is to be honest with yourself. Accept that the relationship is over.

 

The whole 'no contact' philosophy developed over time here, that is constantly referenced and discussed, is meant to benefit both people. In your case, you need to distance yourself from her or she will continue to manipulate you with her lies and her crocodile tears. She will throw tantrums at you, to break down your emotional barrier until you give in and surrender your sanity and your stable lifestyle to suit her whimsical behavior and self-centered needs.

 

Don't do it.

 

Delete her phone # from your cell. If you can't do that, at least block her calls. Delete her from your social media. Delete her email address. The less contact you have with her, the quicker you can move forward with your life and with healing.

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I am starting to believe that.. even though it is quite hard to believe. The first 10 months of our relationship was sort of long distance but not really.. i flew to work for 3 weeks at a time and then off for 2 weeks. It was great. She never gave me one reason to question her or anything like that. Always professed her love to me, did things for me that she would have never done for one of her exs in the past.. It is just all so much. She never ever returned to an ex, except for me.. I dream about her, which I have heard is a sign that she is thinking about/wants me back.. Not sure if there is much merit to that theory but still.. I mean, I know she did me wrong, twice.. But I still can't help but think about her almost all day long. nearly %80 of my day is spent thinking about the "what ifs"... I know that she will try and come back again sometime soon, that is the kind of relationship we have.. we are both very much in love with each other and she professed her love to me even when she called me and told me she was confused and didnt know if she wanted a relationship... Do girls remember the guy that treated them great? Because I know I did, unfortunetly it looks like it was too little too late... not sure if I am right about that though thats the problem.. so many what ifs...

 

Dude, stop. She lied to you. She went out with another guy while professing her love for you. That my friend is not acceptable. Leave this with all your dignity and self respect while you still can because if you allow this to continue then let me tell you this your heart will be broken in so many pieces in so many ways you can't even begin to comprehend.

 

There are no point thinking of the what ifs in a broken relationship. What's done is done what was is in the past. The past no matter how hard we want it to will not change.

 

Take a time off, keep posting here, cry if you will, sulk like there's no tomorrow and go full on No Contact. Trust me you don't want to go down that road. it leads to Miseryville!

 

You may feel your ex and your relationship is something else and it could be worked out, maybe it can but really sorry to say this 99% chances are you may end be far more sad than you already are.

 

Remember You are not alone in this, we are with you. Welcome to the other side. Enjoy your stay (:

 

Also read this http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com it will help, A Lot.

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Eaglestar83

Forget her, they only come back to get their ego fix and then they leave again, and you are feeding into this behaviour by allowing it. She obviously left for a reason, and that same reason always creeps back up. So just move on, doesnt matter how well you treated her. At 22, she is too young and would never have settled for you. Sooner or later she would have left. Girls that age want to explore their options, see what else is out there for them, unless they are from conservative culture and are expected to settle down early/find a man to marry. You enjoyed your time with her and that's that

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+1 for your whole post, Eaglestar83. Girls in their early 20s are still 'girls' in that they have little to no real life experience yet. Plus, they are as emotionally stable as a two-legged table, since they haven't emotionally matured yet.

 

What brought you two together, matty2049? Why date someone so young when you're 29 and could date women closer to your own age? I think you should try to find someone closer to your own age to date. You won't have the same kinds of problems because a 29 year old woman has far more emotional maturity and life experience than a 22 year old girl does.

 

She's proven to you twice now, that she's immature and incapable of having an adult, romantic relationship with you. Twice.

 

The 'what ifs' trap is a common trap to fall into immediately following the breakup. It's the first stage you go through emotionally and intellectually, as your mind and heart battle to process why the relationship failed. Well, it's pretty easy to see why your relationship failed. You were dating a very, very immature girl.

 

The way out of the 'what if' trap is to be honest with yourself. Accept that the relationship is over.

 

The whole 'no contact' philosophy developed over time here, that is constantly referenced and discussed, is meant to benefit both people. In your case, you need to distance yourself from her or she will continue to manipulate you with her lies and her crocodile tears. She will throw tantrums at you, to break down your emotional barrier until you give in and surrender your sanity and your stable lifestyle to suit her whimsical behavior and self-centered needs.

 

Don't do it.

 

Delete her phone # from your cell. If you can't do that, at least block her calls. Delete her from your social media. Delete her email address. The less contact you have with her, the quicker you can move forward with your life and with healing.

 

 

 

thanks for your post, really set in when you put it like that.

we met on an online dating site.. the day we started talking, i was just on my way out to alberta for a month for work. we talked the whole time, texted, skyped, you name it. she would stay up til 3-4 am talking to me and we had an amazing start to the relationship. i thought things would continue but we both had small issues. i proved to her during our break up that I would be back to my old self and stay that way. always spending time with her, going on dates, spending every minute we could together. i mean she literally spent almost $1300 of her own money (which she doesnt make much) to change flights, make sure the other guy got his money back etc.

 

I have cut all contact. I have blocked her number, she deleted her facebook when she disappeared the first time when i caught her and she tried to hide it. so no worries on those fronts. only thing i am going to have a hard time doing is getting rid of her pictures but i know i am going to have to do that eventually...

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Dude, stop. She lied to you. She went out with another guy while professing her love for you. That my friend is not acceptable. Leave this with all your dignity and self respect while you still can because if you allow this to continue then let me tell you this your heart will be broken in so many pieces in so many ways you can't even begin to comprehend.

 

There are no point thinking of the what ifs in a broken relationship. What's done is done what was is in the past. The past no matter how hard we want it to will not change.

 

Take a time off, keep posting here, cry if you will, sulk like there's no tomorrow and go full on No Contact. Trust me you don't want to go down that road. it leads to Miseryville!

 

You may feel your ex and your relationship is something else and it could be worked out, maybe it can but really sorry to say this 99% chances are you may end be far more sad than you already are.

 

Remember You are not alone in this, we are with you. Welcome to the other side. Enjoy your stay (:

 

Also read this http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com it will help, A Lot.

 

thanks man! trust me, i have looked at all the "how to get over someone" guides and everything in between. they all tell me the same thing and i know i have to adhere to a lot of what is said. i am going to be going back to the gym, changing my life around, going to try and focus on myself. the hardest part is losing my appetite. i havent really been able to eat a lot lately. she really had a good hold on me, but i see that i deserve much better then i was getting. someday, down the road, it will really set in about what she lost.

 

she had been talking promise rings, what we would dance to at our wedding etc. just last week, and now gone. thats whats hard, all these long term goals of hers for us just vanished ... strange to me.

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thanks for your post, really set in when you put it like that.

we met on an online dating site.. the day we started talking, i was just on my way out to alberta for a month for work. we talked the whole time, texted, skyped, you name it. she would stay up til 3-4 am talking to me and we had an amazing start to the relationship. i thought things would continue but we both had small issues. i proved to her during our break up that I would be back to my old self and stay that way. always spending time with her, going on dates, spending every minute we could together. i mean she literally spent almost $1300 of her own money (which she doesnt make much) to change flights, make sure the other guy got his money back etc.

 

I have cut all contact. I have blocked her number, she deleted her facebook when she disappeared the first time when i caught her and she tried to hide it. so no worries on those fronts. only thing i am going to have a hard time doing is getting rid of her pictures but i know i am going to have to do that eventually...

 

I know it's hard to let go of a relationship after you've invested so much of yourself and had such high expectations. But that's the roll of the dice, isn't it? Not every relationship we have, has a happy ending.

 

You are doing all the right things to take care of yourself by cutting her out of your social media. You'll experience a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows -- that's to be expected because it's normal -- just don't give in to her demands if she finds a way to contact you. And she probably will from the sounds of it. Right now, your focus should be on taking care of yourself.

 

Online dating is such a numbers game isn't it? You connect online with someone and have great 'virtual' chemistry. But then reality kicks in, and it doesn't always reflect that 'virtual' chemistry offline, when you're face to face.

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I was also left by my ex twice, both times she wanted pursue relationships with new guys. I know how you feel about how hard it is to believe. My ex and I actually had promise rings, and I was sure this was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and then she decided she wanted out. again. She recently offered me to be her friend while she figures out what she wants, but it's just too painful. NC is all we can do really. Whether they come back again or not is out of our control. They seem to always come back when we are doing great without them.

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I know it's hard to let go of a relationship after you've invested so much of yourself and had such high expectations. But that's the roll of the dice, isn't it? Not every relationship we have, has a happy ending.

 

You are doing all the right things to take care of yourself by cutting her out of your social media. You'll experience a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows -- that's to be expected because it's normal -- just don't give in to her demands if she finds a way to contact you. And she probably will from the sounds of it. Right now, your focus should be on taking care of yourself.

 

Online dating is such a numbers game isn't it? You connect online with someone and have great 'virtual' chemistry. But then reality kicks in, and it doesn't always reflect that 'virtual' chemistry offline, when you're face to face.

 

 

you're right writergal!

i know it will be a while before i am going to be ok with everything, but i have had all ranges of emotions, from feeling suicidal, to telling myself "forget about it, you'll be fine" it especially really kicks in when i go to bed and when i wake up and she isnt there. ive had dreams about her quite a few times. all the things i DONT want to feel, i do. no matter how much i read sites about how to get over them, the "forget about her" method really doesnt work. it is going to take time and i realize this.

 

only problem is, that if she wants to get a hold of me all she has to do is block her number, and trust me, thats exactly what she does. just when i think its going to be over for good, she calls me from that dreaded blocked number, but i also have a couple friends who have blocked numbers so its going to be so hard to tell if its her or not..

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I was also left by my ex twice, both times she wanted pursue relationships with new guys. I know how you feel about how hard it is to believe. My ex and I actually had promise rings, and I was sure this was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and then she decided she wanted out. again. She recently offered me to be her friend while she figures out what she wants, but it's just too painful. NC is all we can do really. Whether they come back again or not is out of our control. They seem to always come back when we are doing great without them.

 

you're right man.. she told me "im happy now matt, and i just cant give you another chance"... then the night after, sure enough my phone rang and it was her crying for me to come see her.. its amazing how the cards play out sometimes.. the one day i started to finally let it set in and get my closure, she wanted to come back. thats why i say its only a matter of time before she blocks her number and calls me crying again or whatever. i couldnt be friends with her, no way. we had such and incredible sexual chemistry that i wouldnt be able to just hang out with nothing happening, and she knows that too. you're story sounds errily like mine, but when she left this time, it wasnt for that guy. he knows that she was messing around with both of us and was pissed off at her. if they are together, i give it about 3 weeks before it falls apart when they both realize there is no trust. she is in cuba right now with her family, basically going to "think" she told me, which she really needs to do a lot of.

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you're right writergal!

i know it will be a while before i am going to be ok with everything, but i have had all ranges of emotions, from feeling suicidal, to telling myself "forget about it, you'll be fine" it especially really kicks in when i go to bed and when i wake up and she isnt there. ive had dreams about her quite a few times. all the things i DONT want to feel, i do. no matter how much i read sites about how to get over them, the "forget about her" method really doesnt work. it is going to take time and i realize this.

 

only problem is, that if she wants to get a hold of me all she has to do is block her number, and trust me, thats exactly what she does. just when i think its going to be over for good, she calls me from that dreaded blocked number, but i also have a couple friends who have blocked numbers so its going to be so hard to tell if its her or not..

 

If you can, try to see a individual counselor for a while, to help you process the emotional rollercoaster of feelings that you're experiencing right now. The benefit of seeing a counselor is that they are an objective voice. They don't know you, but they are experts at relationship issues and will provide a framework (like cognitive therapy) for you to use, to help yourself get over this failed relationship.

 

You are right. Healing takes time. You can't put a deadline on healing. You will heal on your own timeline. What you need to think about is setting up a support system around yourself right now, whether it's friends and family, a therapist.

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If you can, try to see a individual counselor for a while, to help you process the emotional rollercoaster of feelings that you're experiencing right now. The benefit of seeing a counselor is that they are an objective voice. They don't know you, but they are experts at relationship issues and will provide a framework (like cognitive therapy) for you to use, to help yourself get over this failed relationship.

 

You are right. Healing takes time. You can't put a deadline on healing. You will heal on your own timeline. What you need to think about is setting up a support system around yourself right now, whether it's friends and family, a therapist.

 

well the great thing is that i have good friends that are willing to talk when i need it, and currently i am staying at my mothers place because there is a parking ban because of snow removal, and i dont have a driveway at my place haha.. but i have two friends i have known for years who are councellors/therapists and they have listened to me (for free lol) and have offered me the advice. they all say that for now, i need to make myself look like i am alright, that i dont need her. maintain no contact with her, it will drive her crazy if she tries calling you. they said if she REALLY loves you, she will come back, but dont invite her with open arms, you must make her work for you back, and if she doesnt come back, then i have to get over it.. but they said in the meantime to just start working on myself and dont ever text or call her no matter how bad the pain is.

 

you guys have actually been more supportive then i expected!

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well the great thing is that i have good friends that are willing to talk when i need it, and currently i am staying at my mothers place because there is a parking ban because of snow removal, and i dont have a driveway at my place haha.. but i have two friends i have known for years who are councellors/therapists and they have listened to me (for free lol) and have offered me the advice. they all say that for now, i need to make myself look like i am alright, that i dont need her. maintain no contact with her, it will drive her crazy if she tries calling you. they said if she REALLY loves you, she will come back, but dont invite her with open arms, you must make her work for you back, and if she doesnt come back, then i have to get over it.. but they said in the meantime to just start working on myself and dont ever text or call her no matter how bad the pain is.

 

you guys have actually been more supportive then i expected!

 

I'm happy to hear that you're at home, and have your counselor friends advice on free retainer. :D Your friends gave you great advice! You'll be alright. It just takes time to recover from a breakup. It always takes time.

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OneBigIdgit

great Matty2049, that the 2 therapists buddies are helping you along. It appears that they are giving you the company line advice given so often here. Work on yourself, make it appear you are doing great and DO NOT CONTACT. That's all we can do until either we heal or we hear from the ex.

 

 

I find it comforting that they also said those important words, If she loves you, she will come back

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great Matty2049, that the 2 therapists buddies are helping you along. It appears that they are giving you the company line advice given so often here. Work on yourself, make it appear you are doing great and DO NOT CONTACT. That's all we can do until either we heal or we hear from the ex.

 

 

I find it comforting that they also said those important words, If she loves you, she will come back

 

 

well it really makes sense.. i mean God has a way of mapping our lives out for us, and if she is in the cards, i will know eventually.

 

i am hoping i dont need to seek help outside of my friends, but if i have to eventually then i will. i just want to be better and moved on from all of this crap.. i know right now that she is laying on a beach in cuba thinking about me.. thats the way she is, she doesnt like "new" and she knows i was great to her in the last couple weeks. it comforts me knowing that ill be on her mind because I am supposed to be there.

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It's very hard to know anything about her because one minute you know one thing, and the next minute everything is different. She just changes her mind every second. I believe that when she starts talking, in the end of the same sentence she already changed her mind. :)

 

I had a few like her. I'm probably attracted to fickle girls. I can tell you what was the pattern in my cases:

- Every time i kept my self respect and turned them down after they wanted me back - I was happy.

- Every time i took them back - I regretted it.

 

You should only be sorry for taking her back the first time. You should have turned her down or at least tell her that you want to take things slowly. She may grow up someday, and may not.

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BlackbirdSong
Leave this with all your dignity and self respect while you still can because if you allow this to continue then let me tell you this your heart will be broken in so many pieces in so many ways you can't even begin to comprehend.

 

I don't know why, but I laughed hysterically after reading this sentence. Then I cried. I think I'm really starting to go mad. :o

 

Carry on..

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