Do I have an on-going case of GIGS?

[Cassandra_xx]

I've been fond of several men in the past, but I've only been in two real relationships. Prior to my first real relationship, I merely used to speak to several guys hoping to find one of my caliber. I really enjoyed the 'getting to know' phase with these guys because it was exciting, and there was a lot flirting. But as soon as any of these guys would show increased interest in me or want me to pursue an exclusive relationship...I would cut off all contact with the guy, and indulge in the 'getting to know' phase with someone else.

 

However, that stopped shortly after I got into my first real relationship. At first I found my bf at the time to be very attractive, and I finally felt like I was in love because I was loyal and really enjoying the relationship. A year into the relationship, however, my boyfriend suddenly seemed less attractive, and the relationship less exciting.

 

I started flirting with other guys while staying with my bf at the time - but again seemed to have the same problem...I would enjoy getting to KNOW and FLIRTING with all these guys, but felt repulsed as soon as any of them wanted more than just the flirty friendship. I kept jumping back and forth from these guys to my ex. Until one day I fell for a guy who suddenly seemed of my caliber again. This time I not only enjoyed the getting to know and flirty phase, but I really wanted to pursue a relationship with him. In order to do that, I had to break it off with my ex - which I did.

I broke up with my ex, and immediately got into a relationship with my current boyfriend (the second of my two 'real' relationships).

 

Again with my current boyfriend, at first I was intense, and passionate about making this relationship work and remaining loyal no matter what. No thoughts of other men occupied my mind and I was fully convinced that I was finally in love and mature enough to commit. Things got really serious and after 2 years of being with him he proposed to me - and our engagement party is scheduled for next month.

 

 

 

However, recently I've been feeling less attracted to my soon to be fiancé. He seems mediocre, and I find myself wondering why I thought he was attractive and perfect in the first place. I've started speaking to other guys again, and all the feelings of excitement are back. For some reason, I've always felt hesitant about telling other men that I'm committed, as if I'll be losing an opportunity to find something better?

 

 

 

All that said, I know I'm at a serious stage at my life in that I'll be getting engaged and I cannot continue this behavior any longer. I'm just trying to figure out what my problem is, and how to go about solving it if I do really have GIGS (based on the threads I've been reading on here) ?

[PegNosePete]

GIGS is not a "disease". You do not "have" GIGS, like you have the flu or a peanut allergy or depression. It is an acronym to explain a certain pattern of behaviour which you are exhibiting.

 

The only way to stop behaving like this, is to simply STOP it. You are in control of your own actions. You are flirting and chatting up other men while in a committed relationship and in fact engaged! That is not acceptable behaviour in most civilized society.

 

You can't simply blame it on some "syndrome" that you read about and think you have. Sorry but you don't get off the hook that easy. You have to accept responsibility for your actions here. You are cheating on your fiance. You should either break it off with him to pursue other men, or stop pursuing other men. The choice is yours.

[sabd]

Behaving like this is a choice. You can decide not to.

 

When the cocaine-like rush of "in love" starts wearing off (2 years is a typical time frame) then its time to transition into mature love, where loving someone is a decision and requires action. That action is important as it generates emotion. I'll say that again: action generates emotion. So if you want those "in love" feelings back, make a decision to commit and then DO.

 

What you're doing to your fiancé-to-be right now is disrespectful and unfair on him. Either stop flirting with other guys or end it with him.

[mightycpa]

I know I'm at a serious stage at my life in that I'll be getting engaged and I cannot continue this behavior any longer. I'm just trying to figure out what my problem is, and how to go about solving it if I do really have GIGS (based on the threads I've been reading on here) ?

I'm not sure that you have a "problem" other than you're getting engaged without being 100% enthusiastic about it. What you describe is perfectly normal, except for the part that you're staying with your BF for the wrong reasons. Look, if most guys don't engender feelings of lasting attraction, well, then they don't. That a couple did, and then after a year or two they don't anymore, well, this forum is filled with those stories. That doesn't mean you've done something wrong, other than to stay with them for the wrong reasons, and oh yeah, to get engaged with that mindset. No, no, no.

 

That you flee at the moment things start to heat up with somebody is strange, and if you want a good LTR, then it is downright destructive. You've only been in two real RS, and you'd be damn lucky to find your match in such a small sample size.

 

What you'll find is that both love and attraction will wax and wane over time. Someone has to be really committed to somebody else under those circumstances, and you'll know when you've found it. The way you write about it, I'd say you aren't there yet.

 

Do both you and BF#2 a favor... start working your way to the end of this. Don't blindside him, that's just the worst. Talk to him about this lack of attraction.. let him in on your thinking while you talk both of you out of this. He deserves better and so do you. Just don't burn him on the way out, and you'll both be fine.

[veggirl]

How old are you? Why would you accept his proposal when you are acting like this? You sound very immature, I pity your bf....I'm sure you haven't been honest with him about your feelings and "friendships". Poor guy.

[writergal]

It sounds like you exhibit the behavior of a true commitment-phobe. You love the chase...you love being chased too. Also, commitment-phobes avoid true attachment at all costs. They aren't reliable relationship partners, because every promise they make to their partner gets broken. They want intimacy like everyone else, but act promiscuous instead of emotionally intimate. Also, commitment-phobes are unpredictable. You never know where you stand with them, even if you define the relationship and they agree to the boundaries. Eventually they flee from you because they can't be tied down, as that's not in their nature to be monogamous.

 

Does any of this apply to you, OP?

 

There was a gal in my drum circle who would act the way you describe, with all the men in the drum group. And, it didn't matter if they were married or in a relationship. She would drape herself all over them, openly flirt in front of their wives or girlfriends, and she even successfully broke up the 10 year relationship between our drum circle instructor and his live-in girlfriend, by seducing our drum circle instructor on a drum retreat. We all heard them. The girlfriend wasn't on the retreat. Made for a very awkward drum retreat and our drum circle disbanded shortly afterward. Word on the street is, she's still doing that with men in her social circle. Even the man she lives with puts up with it, poor guy. She uses men and throws them away like kleenex. And when confronted, she denies her behavior and tries to deflect it back to the person as though they are the ones with the problem.

 

If you want to change your behavior, you will. But that's your call.

[Leigh 87]

It sounds like you exhibit the behavior of a true commitment-phobe. You love the chase...you love being chased too. Also, commitment-phobes avoid true attachment at all costs. They aren't reliable relationship partners, because every promise they make to their partner gets broken. They want intimacy like everyone else, but act promiscuous instead of emotionally intimate. Also, commitment-phobes are unpredictable. You never know where you stand with them, even if you define the relationship and they agree to the boundaries. Eventually they flee from you because they can't be tied down, as that's not in their nature to be monogamous.

 

Does any of this apply to you, OP?

 

There was a gal in my drum circle who would act the way you describe, with all the men in the drum group. And, it didn't matter if they were married or in a relationship. She would drape herself all over them, openly flirt in front of their wives or girlfriends, and she even successfully broke up the 10 year relationship between our drum circle instructor and his live-in girlfriend, by seducing our drum circle instructor on a drum retreat. We all heard them. The girlfriend wasn't on the retreat. Made for a very awkward drum retreat and our drum circle disbanded shortly afterward. Word on the street is, she's still doing that with men in her social circle. Even the man she lives with puts up with it, poor guy. She uses men and throws them away like kleenex. And when confronted, she denies her behavior and tries to deflect it back to the person as though they are the ones with the problem.

 

If you want to change your behavior, you will. But that's your call.

 

What a piece of work.

[writergal]

What a piece of work.

 

Oh she was a nightmare to deal with Leigh. A real nightmare. She is a pathological liar, and can't be trusted because she plays people against each other as if they were chess pieces in a game, her game. I feel sorry for her boyfriend.

 

OP, if you want to change your behavior, you need to see a therapist. But if not, then you need to do some serious soul searching because your behavior is destructive...to yourself and to the well being of the men you get involved with.

[JS84]

You're not marriage material and I don't mean that as an insult. You're just not someone who is suited to conventional or exclusive relationships. It's not a crime. Just don't hurt others in the process. You should end things with your fiance so he can live his life with someone he can be happy with, and you can live your life in a way that you can be happy.

[ManyDissapoint]

I've been fond of several men in the past, but I've only been in two real relationships. Prior to my first real relationship, I merely used to speak to several guys hoping to find one of my caliber. I really enjoyed the 'getting to know' phase with these guys because it was exciting, and there was a lot flirting. But as soon as any of these guys would show increased interest in me or want me to pursue an exclusive relationship...I would cut off all contact with the guy, and indulge in the 'getting to know' phase with someone else.

 

However, that stopped shortly after I got into my first real relationship. At first I found my bf at the time to be very attractive, and I finally felt like I was in love because I was loyal and really enjoying the relationship. A year into the relationship, however, my boyfriend suddenly seemed less attractive, and the relationship less exciting.

 

I started flirting with other guys while staying with my bf at the time - but again seemed to have the same problem...I would enjoy getting to KNOW and FLIRTING with all these guys, but felt repulsed as soon as any of them wanted more than just the flirty friendship. I kept jumping back and forth from these guys to my ex. Until one day I fell for a guy who suddenly seemed of my caliber again. This time I not only enjoyed the getting to know and flirty phase, but I really wanted to pursue a relationship with him. In order to do that, I had to break it off with my ex - which I did.

I broke up with my ex, and immediately got into a relationship with my current boyfriend (the second of my two 'real' relationships).

 

Again with my current boyfriend, at first I was intense, and passionate about making this relationship work and remaining loyal no matter what. No thoughts of other men occupied my mind and I was fully convinced that I was finally in love and mature enough to commit. Things got really serious and after 2 years of being with him he proposed to me - and our engagement party is scheduled for next month.

 

 

 

However, recently I've been feeling less attracted to my soon to be fiancé. He seems mediocre, and I find myself wondering why I thought he was attractive and perfect in the first place. I've started speaking to other guys again, and all the feelings of excitement are back. For some reason, I've always felt hesitant about telling other men that I'm committed, as if I'll be losing an opportunity to find something better?

 

 

 

All that said, I know I'm at a serious stage at my life in that I'll be getting engaged and I cannot continue this behavior any longer. I'm just trying to figure out what my problem is, and how to go about solving it if I do really have GIGS (based on the threads I've been reading on here) ?

 

This right here is the stuff of nightmares for an honest, straight-forward and trusting person like me. You should not be in any relationships that are ostensibly committed, as you're just leaving a wake of destruction.