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My brief encounter with non-monogamy and the aftermath of confusion


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TunaInTheBrine

I need some input. I called things off with a woman who probably was not on the same page as me, but I am hurting more than I thought I would and can't stop thinking about her. Not sure where to take this one now.

 

We met a couple of months ago from the internet. The connection wasn't initially strong, but we got along and agreed to meet again. We met a few weeks later after rescheduling a couple of times and the chemistry was good. She told me she was non-monogamous and had a boyfriend (who was married!). I told her I did not do non-monogamy, but this was fine for now since we were only dating, with the understanding at some point it might no longer fit.

 

Things heated up on Valentine's Day at her place when we started having sex. We unexpectedly spent the weekend together and had enormous fun. Same thing happened the following weekend where we unexpectedly spent it all together. We started to get to know each other better. The sex, my God, it was like sex I had never had before. She brings out the primal animal in me. She sang to me, told me pieces of her she doesn't share, said she felt really comfortable with me. She told me in bed she was starting to feel really attached to me. Nice.

 

BUT...she was going away now for a week to Europe. She did not say with who, but I think we both knew it was with this married guy. I honestly didn't feel jealous about her being with someone else because I knew she was really into me. I think she should have communicated with me more about the trip, but it's whatever at this point.

 

When she returned (last week), she was very emotionally distant. The sex was not as passionate, she was obviously sore from banging him all week, and she didn't seem to want me to sleep over. I gently tried bringing up the emotional distance with her, but she clearly wasn't interested in going there except to say that her trip “was intense”. Now this is when I started to feel jealous, and now I understand more why non-monogamy doesn't work for me. Here's the thing. It's not so much the idea of other sexual partners that bothers me as much as the inevitable dynamics of inclusion/exclusion that happen. He was on her mind when she was with me. Big time. What the ****! Just before she left, I felt we were getting close, and out of nowhere, I'm excluded now. I could already see this being an ongoing issue if I kept seeing her, and it was screwing with my head just imagining this hot/cold thing happening constantly. And I'm supposed to develop deeper feelings for her now?

 

She invited me to meet her friends a couple of nights later for drinks. I was flattered by the gesture, but backed out feeling like I was about to go deeper into a situation, so I texted her that I wouldn't be seeing her anymore because of our differences in monogamy and especially from the recent emotional distance (I didn't do it in person because I felt she might still be distant with me and I would just get more upset). She wrote back and said she was disappointed about it, but that she understood. That was it! I think I was secretly hoping that she would fight to have me back, maybe apologize for the emotional distance and want to talk it out. Nope. Just like that, it's over. I felt even more pissed, honestly.

 

And now, I can't stop thinking about her! I can't sleep at night, and when I do, I have dreams of her banging this other guy. I can't concentrate during the day. I keep hoping I run into her somewhere and that she will talk to me. I feel an intense anger over her sudden distance with me last time I saw her. I feel like a fool for letting myself develop feelings for her, but I couldn't help it after our last weekend together. I have had a lot of sex in my life, but this was something entirely different, and I have dated hundreds of women, but I felt a special connection with this one when it was there. And, probably an issue itself that sounds crazy, but I don't trust another man with her. She is psychologically fragile at times from her past and I don't believe anyone else but me could help her. Sick, yeah? But that's how I feel.

 

What am I supposed to do? Here was someone I felt a strong connection with who I honestly did not want to let go, but felt that I had to in my own best interest. Otherwise, I was basically agreeing to go on a roller coaster ride where any given week I might be not worth communicating for her. I think if I held out for a while, she might have left him for me, but would she still want an open relationship then? It was too much of a head game for me. I could do an occasional threesome or something, but not something ongoing with feelings for other people.

 

How do I handle this one? My buddy thinks she is going to try and reach out to me in a week or two somehow, but I don't see that happening based on her recent behavior. And if she does, then what? I doubt she is going to want to risk breaking off things with this married guy who she has been seeing for several months and jump into it with me. One thing is for sure, I am not contacting her first. This whole situation has really thrown me off because I am not usually this pissed over things not working out, but man, I can't shake it.

Edited by TunaInTheBrine
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I think you did the absolute right thing. You said it best by being on an emotional roller coaster for the rest of your relationship. You already admitted that you can't do the whole non monogamous thing and the fact that you are on different pages with that will not change.

 

I think you're focused on the what could have been with her. You guys had an amazing connection and you were starting to develop feelings. Imagine what would have happened if you let those feelings grow deeper and she continued seeing the married boyfriend? You'd be an absolute mess.

 

If she truly felt a connection and wants to continue with you, she will break up with the married boy and then get in contact. I think it's best if you don't contact her so you can get over her.

 

If it is meant to be, it will find a way.

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TunaInTheBrine
I think you did the absolute right thing. You said it best by being on an emotional roller coaster for the rest of your relationship. You already admitted that you can't do the whole non monogamous thing and the fact that you are on different pages with that will not change.

 

I think you're focused on the what could have been with her. You guys had an amazing connection and you were starting to develop feelings. Imagine what would have happened if you let those feelings grow deeper and she continued seeing the married boyfriend? You'd be an absolute mess.

 

If she truly felt a connection and wants to continue with you, she will break up with the married boy and then get in contact. I think it's best if you don't contact her so you can get over her.

 

If it is meant to be, it will find a way.

 

Thanks, darkbloom. Even though I already 'knew' some of this, there is a difference between knowing and feeling, and it's nice to feel understood and hear someone else reaffirm what my gut was telling me, so thank you for the response.

 

Based on what I know about this woman's personality, I highly doubt she will contact me and want to try something exclusive. I would love it if she would, but I doubt it. She has A LOT of emotional damage that influences her sexual relationships and I think she needs to sort herself out before she could be ready for someone like me (and by then, I'll probably be married).

 

I definitely will not be contacting her. I already read the No Contact rules and fully endorse them. She will need to contact me and even then I would not accept anything less than a very sincere discussion/commitment, which I just can't imagine her doing out of her own defensiveness against her guilt for how things went down. I sure do hope she surprises me, but I highly doubt it.

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Thanks, darkbloom. Even though I already 'knew' some of this, there is a difference between knowing and feeling, and it's nice to feel understood and hear someone else reaffirm what my gut was telling me, so thank you for the response.

 

Based on what I know about this woman's personality, I highly doubt she will contact me and want to try something exclusive. I would love it if she would, but I doubt it. She has A LOT of emotional damage that influences her sexual relationships and I think she needs to sort herself out before she could be ready for someone like me (and by then, I'll probably be married).

 

I definitely will not be contacting her. I already read the No Contact rules and fully endorse them. She will need to contact me and even then I would not accept anything less than a very sincere discussion/commitment, which I just can't imagine her doing out of her own defensiveness against her guilt for how things went down. I sure do hope she surprises me, but I highly doubt it.

 

The good thing about this website is that the people on here give great advice. Some of us are just not good at recognizing it in our own situation or following it. We are always trying to reaffirm our gut feeling. Your gut is always right. Never doubt it.

 

It sounds like you may have dodged an emotional bullet. If she has emotional damage she has not dealt with then that would likely become a bigger issue as your relationship progressed. I can understand her not wanting monogamy. It isn't for everyone. The perplexing thing is her choosing to do so with a married man. I'm not an expert in relationships or anything but it sounds like she is attempting to protect herself from emotional damage by pursuing an already married man. There is a certain kind of (sick) comfort in knowing that your boyfriend has already committed to another woman and therefore is already emotionally/physically unavailable. She can have a boyfriend and not open herself up to being emotionally vulnerable.

 

You sound like you have your head on right and you will find a girl who wants monogamy.

 

Side note, you're probably the only dude on here that has expressed that it doesn't bother you to think about her with the other guy. If you read through all the forums on here, that's what pisses guys off the most. Interesting.

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AdamantyumKrystal

you had an affair with a married woman and u thought u will just gonna get away with it? :) say hello to karma! ;)

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Find out why you want to "fix" her and why you don't see that you deserve better ... that's the real issue at hand, in my opinion. We can't fix/save others. It's kinda silly when you think about it. To think that we "know what's best" for someone else or that they need saving and we're gonna be that savior Ugh! I struggled with this as well and I promise it doesn't end like the movies... Get out now, stay out and work on finding out why you want to save someone rather then have a mutual relationship with respect and monogamy (which is what you wanted from the get go... Next time, if someone tells you something, like they aren't monogamous, LISTEN to them because they are being honest and there is NOTHING you can do to save those kind of people)

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TunaInTheBrine
you had an affair with a married woman and u thought u will just gonna get away with it? :) say hello to karma! ;)

 

I don't think you read my post correctly. She is not married (but her 'boyfriend' is, who comes from an open marriage). Everyone was aware of what was going on. There was no deception or "getting away with" things. Stop being so judgmental, anyway :)

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TunaInTheBrine

Side note, you're probably the only dude on here that has expressed that it doesn't bother you to think about her with the other guy. If you read through all the forums on here, that's what pisses guys off the most. Interesting.

 

I think I would be fine with an occasional threesome or swinging, but as far as developing ongoing and emotional relationships with other people, I can't do it. It's too much of a head game. That's why I say it's not so much the idea of physically being with other people. It's the emotional piece that drives me nuts because then you never know if your partner is 'present' with you or not. Having said that, I still prefer sexual monogamy as well.

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I think you got out in the nick of time!

Monogamy is a major boundary in a relationship and you two are completely incompatible in this area.

Can you imagine how destroyed you would have been had this continued and you'd become emotionally invested in her?

She's obviously got issues but you can't fix her, obviously.

You deserve a woman who's going to treat you like a priority.

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TunaInTheBrine
I think you got out in the nick of time!

Monogamy is a major boundary in a relationship and you two are completely incompatible in this area.

Can you imagine how destroyed you would have been had this continued and you'd become emotionally invested in her?

She's obviously got issues but you can't fix her, obviously.

You deserve a woman who's going to treat you like a priority.

 

I think the whole 'fixing' her wish is because I'm a very understanding person and also a psychotherapist. I normally do not pursue a relationship in this way of wanting to fix someone, but yeah, I wanted to with her. I really did dig her, she's cute, and the connection was there when it was there...but you're all right - she has some serious issues, and it (on top of our relationship differences) would have never worked. I think I got out in the nick of time too! Trust me, I wanted to stay, but my gut said "you've got to get the **** out of here now, dude!"

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TunaInTheBrine
you're monogamous, she isn't.

 

case closed.

 

She does enter in monogamous relationships occasionally, and I think that was my wish for what it would become. Maybe it would have, maybe it wouldn't. But I got out when I did because of the head games around the emotional division stuff with her other guy.

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She does enter in monogamous relationships occasionally, and I think that was my wish for what it would become. Maybe it would have, maybe it wouldn't. But I got out when I did because of the head games around the emotional division stuff with her other guy.

 

you two never even had a chance, in reality.

things between monogamous & poly partners rarely work out... amost never. simply because you have very different opinions & views on two most important things - love and relationships.

 

trust me, those kind of differences cannot be solved.

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AdamantyumKrystal

you may not like what i say but i hope you don't get this girl! for your own good! she will bring you suffering and pain down the road... think about this: she cheats her boyfliend , let's say she leaves him for you , what will stop her from doing the same to you? ... if u go for this gurl u'll gonna get biten the hard way :)

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  • 1 month later...
AdamantyumKrystal
I don't think you read my post correctly. She is not married (but her 'boyfriend' is, who comes from an open marriage). Everyone was aware of what was going on. There was no deception or "getting away with" things. Stop being so judgmental, anyway :)

 

CAN't help it man , i just feel a very strong feeling of repulsion towards cheaters. Open marriage,open relationship... SAME SH*T , relations like this are doomed to fail.And if you seriously think that a woman who shares herself with other man except her boyfriend is girlfriend material or is "loving" someone then ... i'm sorry to say this but u will get burned,BIG TIME!

 

I now i'm harsh but this is the truth.Believe me you do not want a woman like that... you do not want it... Unless you like depression,if u-re a big depression fan then it's ok! :D

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I think the whole 'fixing' her wish is because I'm a very understanding person and also a psychotherapist.

Holy ****! Welcome to the couch!

 

As a psychotherapist, you know what this is all about. The details don't matter, and it has little to do with monogamy or polyamory or whatever. What you're dealing with is about nothing more than accepting that you can't have everything you want.

 

I think you got your fingers burnt on the doorknob, and rightly decided not to enter the burning building. Good for you.

 

You both did the right thing for each of you, and now you're left holding the emotional baggage. As I'm sure you well know, there's no magic formula, there's no pill, there is no technique that will "cure" you of your desire.

 

You've simply got to find a way to not want it anymore. Second best is that you can live with not having it, and your desire lessens, but is not quenched. I think those are called "the ones that got away."

 

Good luck, Doc.

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\.. think about this: she cheats her boyfliend , let's say she leaves him for you ,

She didn't say anything like this. Are you confusing this with another post?

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She will need to contact me and even then I would not accept anything less than a very sincere discussion/commitment,

 

No no no. You KNOW this woman has serious issues. You are a psychoanalyst, you can probably even clarify what PD she has.

Stay well away from her, period.

 

And I get the need to fix, and you can do that through your work, but relationships are not the place to do this, as you probably are well aware!

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