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Dumped by a man with "commitment issues"?


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Hi everyone

 

I was seeing someone (a 30 yr old, smart, successful, guy) for 6 months. I am 25, but I have been told I am emotionally well beyond my years.

 

I am very emotionally open for people. Not in a creepy, pushy way, but I don't hold any reservations when it comes to dating, or ignoring when it should be the next "phase" of closeness in a relationship. I am genuinely there for the person i care about, and, to much of my own detriment, tend to put others before myself in my relationships.

 

I met this guy back July, and had little insight into his past: he has been with 4-5 people throughout his life, all the relationships lasting around a year each. (Red flag.) He gave excuses as to why they never worked out (one wasn't responsible/driven enough for him, etc).

 

We have had, overall, a good 6 months. Any of our arguing was really more "debating" at best, and we never yelled at each other, or said things we later regretted. Most of it was just coming-of-age issues you get with long term relationships: where are we? Where are we going? etc. Of course, there were a few bumpy moments.

 

The difference with me, from the other guys he's been with before is: he and I took an international trip together, which he's never done with someone he's dating, and he introduced me to his family, something else he has never done with someone he's dating. I am not super close with his brother, but we communicate on our own. I am also friendly with a couple of his friends: one in particular who gave me a brief history of his dating life since she's known him over the past 4-5 years.

 

The breakup came as a surprise to me. He has been very stressed with his new job, and his need to find a new apartment, finances, etc, have left us much less time for us to spend together/communicate the past month. I have been very supportive, caring, and loving during this past month. I have given him a lot of space, letting him do his own thing, and taken the opportunity to take him out on nice dinners / offer to help in any way i can. I have made as much of an effort (without over doing it) than anyone can.

 

But he still broke up with me. He sees that he's not giving me the attention I need/want (All I'm asking for is a little re-assurance he's still in this with me. The whole world has revolved around him and his job the past month, and i have been more or less an after-thought in his life). I asked him for a little bit more on his end, and hopeful that things would die down soon.

 

He has a history, according to his friend, of this before: running away from people when it becomes serious, he's caught off guard, etc, out of the blue, and lets his stress and job and things get in the way of loving someone, and being loved in return.

 

What should I do? I'm completely devestated. everything was going so well.

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What should I do? I'm completely devestated. everything was going so well.

 

What can you do? You need to let him go.

 

I've dated men like this guy. When the commitment starts to loom over their head, they walk away. Chances are even if you got back together again, the cycle will play out again.

 

Just because you went on a trip and he introduced you to his friends/family, it doesn't change his pattern. Guys like this one do well during the honeymoon period but when it's time to invest emotional maturity, commitment, effort -- they cannot reciprocate. It dies a premature death and they move on. And the excuses are textbook. Everything else becomes a priority, a burden -- to use as a reason to end it with you.

 

Listen to his friend. This isn't about you. It has no reflection on your worth or anything that you did wrong. This is just him repeating his internal pattern and dysfunction.

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What do you do? You accept the likely fact that for him, you're the issue... it isn't commitment, it's you.

 

And that's ok... not everybody works out, no matter how great you may be. I got accused of the same thing, many times, but when I met the right girl, I proved I had no problem with commitment.

 

Accepting this will make you feel better the day you hear he's getting married after having known her for only a little while. Blaming it on his ability to be with someone is an exercise in self-deception that will make you feel horrible when it is revealed to be untrue. Because then you'll wonder what is wrong with you, and that's not the way it works.

 

Spare yourself that agony. Just admit that you weren't the girl for him, which makes him not the guy for you.

 

Good luck.

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My last boyfriend broke up with me because of "commitment issues" too. I thought we were serious and happy and would last. He also took me on an international trip which I thought meant something important because he blew a lot of money and planned this really romantic week.

 

After our romantic trip, he confessed that he wasn't able to have a relationship with anyone right now. He hadn't been separated for too long and said he needed to focus on making sure his kids handled the separation ok instead of focusing on someone else. This of course made sense to me but I was still devastated. It did seem like a valid reason at the time. Within a month, he was in his next relationship with another woman - I'm assuming by the timeframe that he had already met her while dating me. So it wasn't his commitment issues, it was that he had issues committing to me but tried to be nice in explaining it.

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OP, I wanted to add and couldn't edit my post. It would help you to understand that what you've experienced isn't uncommon by just reading about the fear of intimacy. It doesn't guarantee you an answer as to why he has behaved this way towards you but seeing that he has never been able to sustain a long term relationship -- it may help you tie some loose ends that you are struggling with.

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What do you do? You accept the likely fact that for him, you're the issue... it isn't commitment, it's you.

 

And that's ok... not everybody works out, no matter how great you may be. I got accused of the same thing, many times, but when I met the right girl, I proved I had no problem with commitment.

 

I think that is harsh but it is most likely true.

SO often you hear of men who hum and haw over committing, keep women dangling for years sometimes. Eventually, the woman gets bored and breaks up or the guy finally gets the courage to break up, and within a few months he is engaged to someone else.

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