Letting go of a relationship / friend, too painful

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hey there, I am quite surprised and perplexed by this, that I should only just realise after a year how much this male friend of mine had been hurting me and I've only realised after one year that I need to let him go and move on and it puzzles me that I am grieving, I was just talking about it with a friend and she pointed out that really there was nothing there, just an obsession and guess that she's right, it was all an illusion and a fantasy of a relationship

 

The only time he really kept in frequent constant contact was right at the beginning for the first few months when I guess he was pursuing me and I was oblivious, I thought he was just a friend but with hindsight he actually seemed pretty keen. We met for a drink and continued to be friends a while then we met for another drink, he stepped things up a little, kissed me on both cheeks, bought some drinks and we became closer, then he really hurt me by acting nasty for no reason the next time we met. He also told me about another woman he was obsessed with which hurt my feelings

 

Then we didn't speak for five months, he reappeared and started flirting and complimenting me but at the same time, punishing me, for example if I didn't return a phone call right away told me about another woman he had a crush on, took four days to respond to text messages sometimes, promised to phone and didn't, all these things hurt me and looking back I wonder why I continued to be obsessed with him

 

We then had one lovely evening out which went really well and after that he became evasive, contacting me sporadically, avoiding me, keeping me at arm's length so he created a distance between us. I then initiated contact foolishly after he cut contact off again and we met again and he was huffy because I didn't ask to go for coffee however he hadn't asked and I had to initiate a hug with him. I then sent another text and he texted back four days later on Christmas eve and I wished him a happy Christmas on Christmas day.

 

Then he appears again all nice in the new year and says it's his new year's resolution for us to go ice skating together, asks me out, goes into a huff because I'm drinking red wine and he only wants coffee, was incredibly rude to me all evening ( yet at the end of the evening says good to see you and gave me a hug ). I actually forgave him again for this as I thought it must have been because I was speaking about somebody else who liked me, a male work colleague, I guess I was trying to make him see that there ARE some guys who want me out there, I had become insecure...so I forgave him and it was all nice again, he hugged me tightly and said good to see you and speak to you soon

 

And he never did speak to me soon as usual, this is eight days later and I've decided to let go of it, I don't want this uncertainty and pain and hurt anymore in my life, I've only just realised how hurt I felt, I feel very sad but I haven't made contact. I don't know why I'm grieving so much for this, I am seeing a therapist who says I was attracted to him because he was a lot like my dad, unpredictable and inconsistent

 

Now I feel like I'm grieving and on top of it I feel foolish for grieving, I don't know why I tolerated being hurt over and over again, I guess I will be happier though if I distance myself and cut off contact, luckily the obsession has died down a lot, I've been phoning at least one friend every day to move forward and get over it, but I hope I will feel better soon

 

I am posting here for strength I guess, I can do no contact, but today I just wanted to stay in bed all day...! And I don't know why I should feel this overwhelming attraction to somebody who hurt me all the time...the good news is I feel like I'm getting back my self respect by not weakening and making contact, this time was the last straw, I actually forgave him because I cared about him the last time that he hurt me and now he has instantly just hurt me again...this has gotta stop

 

Thanks for reading, even if I don't get any replies I'll be glad I posted here because a part of me feels so ashamed to share this stuff for some reason...

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi Echo65 thanks so much for replying, you cheered me up and helped me feel brighter, every day I'm getting more strength

 

It's been a process. First came the high after seeing him and one hug, then came the compulsion to contact him when I realised he wasn't telling the truth when he said " speak to you soon ". I waited it out til the compulsion had gone away, then came grief, sadness and pain, then a bit of anger but more the sadness, more compulsion and now after eleven days no contact I'm feeling much better and seeing more clearly that it was harmful to me

 

I could actually see him this Friday at a support group I go to but I've decided not to go, I don't want to see him as I don't want any more broken promises and any more pain

 

There was certainly more pain than good times in this relationship, hardly any good times really, a phone call here and then, a few hugs, a couple of smiles...the rest of the time I was just suffering for a year. I've learnt a lot, therapist says it's because my dad was similar, unavailable and cruel at times but sometimes really nice...

 

Hugs to you too! I really appreciate that you saw I'd had no responses to my first post and you answered for me, god bless you, so kind...DLD X