marieanna177 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 me and this guy met in November. We were going on dates, and we had sex. he got out of a 7 year relationship a month before. In the beginning he even said "but I'd like to be with you aside from the sex is what you fail to realize" He texted me every day, told me he likes me a lot and I'm not just sex. We would hang out without having sex. He talked about meeting parents and maybe taking me to his best friend's wedding in May. one day he was acting distant and I went crazy texting him 50 times. he told me he was done. we went a week without talking and then we grabbed lunch 2 weeks ago. he paid, and we didnt have sex.* he then told me he's not looking for a relationship. I asked him if there were feelings and he said "I did have feelings" and he said "Idk what I want and I dont want to lead you on." Then I asked if this was my fault and he said "it definitely isnt you" then this past thurs we had sex and got lunch after. A week ago I asked him if he wanted to have sex. he said "can't have class" then I said "when can you" he said "idk shay in class can't talk" then I asked if he still wanted to have sex in general, and he didn't answer. Hours later I apologized for asking and he said "it's ok babe." It's been a week havent heard from him. 1. Did he ever have any feelings for me? Or was he just using me for sex? 2. Does he not wanna be with me because I messed up or was he never looking for a relationship to begin with? 3. If I messed up with the 50 texts, why did he hang out with me after? 4. What is your proof if he was or was not just using me for sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adele0908 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) What this is REALLY about, is that you're AFRAID that a man won't like you for more than sex. You could analyze this situation for days and months, analyzing his every word, make a pie chart or bar graph and document your perceived level of caring. You could have a 100 people tell you that this man is just using you, and of course, part of you wants to hear that, so you can run away from yourself. You could tell yourself he's just "using" you, because then you would have an excuse to run away from the situation, instead of getting to the root of the issue. You could run a million things through your mind, but as a woman who has lived, I can tell you, that the root of everything in your life starts with you, and this includes relationships. It would benefit you to love yourself more. The better you feel about yourself, the less likely you will suspect a man is "using" you. I've had people feed me that B.S. about being "used" before, and I can tell you, it's a load of crap. I remember a guy who liked me, who found out I was seeing another guy. He screamed at me one day that this other guy was "using me"...back then I didn't even think..."Well if I'm so low-value, then why are you trying so hard to be with me?" I have stories for days. Too long to post here. I'm still learning self-love, so I'm not trying to lecture you. I'm just speaking woman to woman. Edited January 21, 2015 by Adele0908 3 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 1. Did he ever have any feelings for me? Or was he just using me for sex? 2. Does he not wanna be with me because I messed up or was he never looking for a relationship to begin with? 3. If I messed up with the 50 texts, why did he hang out with me after? 4. What is your proof if he was or was not just using me for sex? These are impossible questions to answer accurately, simply because we weren't there, and we're not inside this guy's head. What's done is past. If I were you, I wouldn't get hung up on whether the 50 texts you sent sank the ship (why did you blow his phone up like that, by the way?). I would though, believe him when he says he's not looking for a relationship right now, and that it's got nothing to do with you. If you stick around waiting for him to change his mind, it's going to be a long wait. Whether or not he was using you for sex is less relevant than whether you're going to get into this kind of situation again. Why are you hanging onto him? I would stop sleeping with him, even casually. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Him being one month out of a 7 year relationship is going to take some time to process. More than a month most likely. He's right that he doesnt know what he wants, because he's still dealing with a recent long term breakup. I wouldnt say he doesnt care or just used you for sex. He probably has a void to fill and you were it. He obviously likes your company, so just back off quite a bit. He may fade away or he may want more, but give him time to get over his breakup. He most likely doesn't even realize he needs to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 OP, Think really hard about this. He spent 7 years with someone. S-e-v-e-n...y-e-a-r-s. Do you really, really, in all honesty think that someone who was only a measley little 4 weeks out of a 7 year relationship was at all emotionally available, flat footed, had their head on straight, etc.? He was looking for a distraction and escape from his pain. He probably projected all of his feelings for his ex onto you and then as he started to further process the relationship he just ended, truthful feelings started to surface. I don't know what he was using you for sex, exactly...more like using you as a pain reliever. Still, how did you manage to take the guy serious given the circumstances? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bellaisa Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Nobody can answer this for you because nobody knows how he feels. It could have been just for sex, but its more likely he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. Most likely he doesn't want a needy person in his life, which it sounds like you are being. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 This guy just got out of a 7 yr RL...I think you're the rebound girl. I agree with him, stop throwing sex at him in hopes to keep him comin' around. I think you should cut your losses and walk away from this one...he's not ready for a RL, a.d even "if" he was, someone who was in a 7 yr RL w/o it reaching into marriage (unless the 7 years includes teenager time), is someone who probably isn't the commiting type...oh, and your 50 calls/text stunt probably also tainted the situation. Just walk away, learn from this situation and meet someone new and start fresh.... Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 We don't know what his feelings are.BUT.......Texting him 50 times (!!!) was way over the top, then contacting him to ask if he wants to have sex.........wow........that's really desperate.Not hearing anything from him recently is rather telling. You should back off, and meet/date other people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Halcyon Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 He's still in love with his ex. Sorry, he is just looking for something to fill the void. Don't waste your time on him if you are looking for a relationship he is not emotionally available and probably never will be to you. This has nothing to do with you and it's to do with his state of mind. He realised what he doing was selfish and broke it off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 The guy was only one month out of a 7 year relationship. He wasn't emotionally available in any capacity, therefore there wasn't anything for you to mess up because there was no realistic opportunity for you in the first place. Is this a normal pattern for you and that is why you are saying you always mess everything up? Link to post Share on other sites
bigtrouble Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 He is not ready, he is fresh from BU. He has a lot of emotional issues to settle first. Don't blame yourself. And don't get caught up in his emotional struggle. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 1. Did he ever have any feelings for me? Or was he just using me for sex? 2. Does he not wanna be with me because I messed up or was he never looking for a relationship to begin with? Do yourself a favor and stop analyzing everything coming out of his mouth. It will get you nowhere. Here is the reality: you involved yourself with a person just out of a 7-year relationship. They're doing a LOT of processing. They're feeling a lot of things they haven't felt in a while. You were foolish to think you could wrest some kind of meaningful relationship out of this. Where can this go? If you chill out, put your emotions in check, he may contact you some more for sex and hanging out. That's it. Dispense with any notions of a drawn out romance or relationship. Ain't happening. In the future, if you want a serious boyfriend, find a guy who is not fresh out of a serious relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
rbrock2323 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Nobody likes to be texted 50 times over absolutely nothing. Sex, sex, sex...is that all anybody thinks about these days? Maybe I'm just a prude.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Him being one month out of a 7 year relationship is going to take some time to process. More than a month most likely. He's right that he doesnt know what he wants, because he's still dealing with a recent long term breakup. I wouldnt say he doesnt care or just used you for sex. He probably has a void to fill and you were it. He obviously likes your company, so just back off quite a bit. He may fade away or he may want more, but give him time to get over his breakup. He most likely doesn't even realize he needs to. You're the rebound...and I pretty much said what DivorcedDad is saying tooo...in my response to your similar thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 All your concern and asking for reassurance that he's not just wanting to have sex was not a good idea, who would want to be on the receiving end of that, plus the 50 texts or whatever when he was distant?? I agree that he is probably really not in the place for a relationship but if you meet someone you like and you're scared they just want sex, if that is not ok with you then hold off on having sex! Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 why have you posted this 3 times? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 why have you posted this 3 times? Maybe she's working up to 50 threads? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 You were probably his rebound. He was using you to fill a void that went missing when he broke up with his ex. i.e sex. Don't let him do that to you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovexocoach Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 You were the "rebound girl" after his relationship ended. And he used you for sex and comfort. Believe him when he says he doesn't want a relationship. Your "relationship" is not going to get any better. He needs to get his emotions sorted out before he's ready for dating and a relationship again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) Wow, I feel bad for you because you can't seem to see what is clearly written on the wall. It is possible that at a certain point he felt something and maybe thought you had something special but then he changed his mind. I think it is very likely that he actually always just wanted sex from the beginning but was simply leaving the door open to possibilities. I think that when guys want a Fwb with you, they usually have this mindset of "You seem like a nice girl to chill with and sleep with but if you turn out to be the girl of my dreams, amazing". But what are the chances that you will turn out to be that girl. Love just happens. No one can explain why or how it happens and no one can control it. You can't make him fall in love with you and I honestly would not advise you to try. All I'm trying to say is that it seems clear to me that this man doesn't want you. It sounds harsh but it's the truth. On top of it, you're throwing yourself at him and making yourself look easy. Please walk away from him and retain whatever shred of dignity you have left. Oh and PS. he is a douche. A big one. Edited January 21, 2015 by LoverOfDance 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bigtrouble Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 He just he got out of a 7 year relationship a month before. 1. Did he ever have any feelings for me? Or was he just using me for sex? 2. Does he not wanna be with me because I messed up or was he never looking for a relationship to begin with? He is not over his Ex, its only a month after BU, he is still confused and does not know what he wants... He needs to sort out some emotional issues. Above post is right you may be rebound... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Men don't generally want to date a woman seriously that has no self-respect, and on top it...he never wanted anything serious with you in the first place, this is just a back pedaling process, he can't develop the kind of feelings and interest for you that you can. This unfortunately is just all in your head, and you just seem like the desperate/clingy type who just settles for crumbs and then wonders why you never get a full meal. You just never get yourself the chance, you don't know what you're worth. Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 When a guy says he isn't looking for a relationship, it's the harsh, horrible truth, and you can save yourself a boatload of pain by believing him. Even if he acts warm... which can be so confusing, especially if it draws you in, and ignites your feelings... That phrase is a huge red flag, for future reference. Also, I'm not the oldschool, no sex before you're married type, but I do think there is immense merit you defining how you want to be treated BEFORE you have sex, naming your price or stating your boundaries, so to speak. Biologically, it's much harder for women to have sex with no strings attached, emotions are almost always going to get in the way--I think that fact is an important part of older courtship concepts. Oxytocin bonding is a powerful thing, and if you bond strongly enough to a guy who isn't going to be there for you, it equals getting your heart smashed in the worst way possible. I learned this myself the hard way. The guy in your situation definitely needs a LOT of time to process coming out of a seven year relationship. I would stay NC to bolster your self esteem and healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 You can be sure that his thinking is almost completely centred around the person he has just broken up with, rather than you. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Everyone is correct. I'm seeing a new girl and was clear from jump, that I am NOT currently looking for a relationship. We are having our third date tonight at her place. Link to post Share on other sites
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