hangingbyathread Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 my ex fiancé broke it off with me around 2 weeks ago... it wasn't the first time.. she had broken up with me probably over 500 times in almost 2 years... the relationship has been turbulent and in short toxic... a lot of things she has put me through has been traumatic.... i was and still am completely inlove with her but wish i wasn't. .. so i struggle to not respond to her txts... she breaks up with me and demands i do not contact her so i don't. .. but she always finds reasons to txt me... i ignore it but she continues and will start provoking me with saying harsh things...i end up responding. .. its hard because apart of me still wants us... so can't let go... she keeps playing mind games with me.. pretends to want to be with me...talks to me like she wants to be with me.. like we are together but then starts fights over rediculous things and then severs the ties with me in malicious ways...leaving each break up or convo dramatically.. she purposely trys to make me jealous and insecure which she has admitted to numerous times..yet verbally abuses me if i do have these emotions.. she keeps pointing her finger at me and blaming me for everything.. every issue we had and even tells lies to her friends and family about me which irritates me so badly...i hate anything unjust...i have been through so much in these two years... she has emotionally cheated on me twice, emotionally abused me for thr most of the relationship...telling me that i am hard to love and would compare me to her ex partners every day of my life telling me how amazing they are amd how crap i am in every way... when she was mad or insecure she would physically hurt me by biting me hard, pinching, headbutting and slapping but would pretend she was being playful...yet would only do it when she was mad and even admitting numerous times she just wanted to hurt me... she has broken up with me on almost every special occasion or days.. anniversaies...xmas..death anniversaries etc.. she has constantly verbally attacked me...told me to kill myself on one occasion. .. even went as far as to tell me that she did not believe i was raped when i was younger and then proceeded to make out like i deserve it....even told me to get over it.... i struggle to understand how and why she is so cruel to me... and why she continues to play these stupid games with me where she tells me she loves and misses me and wants to be with me yet aagin... and then starts with the games of trying to make me jealous on purpose.. i react and then she turns around and insults me and tortures me with her words and tells me not to contact her again...... i am so fed up but i don't know how to cope .. i have been so distressed about her and all thr other stress in my life that my negative thoughts are getting bad... i think about ways to give my self amnesia just so i can forget about her...us... i have been trying to distract myself with different activities and even try self hypnosis... nothing is helping... please help!! I can not take any more of this!! Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) She had broken up with me probably over 500 times in almost 2 years... the relationship has been turbulent and in short toxic... i struggle to understand how and why she is so cruel to me.Hanging, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, physical abuse, impulsive, lack of empathy, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, NPD (Narcissistic PD). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of folks having strong traits of BPD. Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your Ex. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD and NPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. I suspect you will find most of those signs to sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Hanging. Edited January 19, 2015 by Downtown 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 You can only fully move on when you want to move on. The longer you cling on and think about "us" the longer you're going to be tortured. So for your own sake just cut the cord and start a new life without her. You don't want this to go on for years and years then look back in the future thinking how much time you have wasted on her when you could have spent it with someone who treats you like a human being. Someone who loves you and wants to be with you will not treat you like this. So ask yourself: Do you want to be with someone who treats you like a pest or human being? If the former, you just carry on doing what you're doing, let her back in and expect more of the same. If the latter then, you need to cut her off, completely disappear from her life. Block and delete her from your phone and social media. Don't pick up no anonymous phone numbers and don't accept any random friends request. If you see her, walk past her. If she turns up at your door, leave her out in the cold and ignore her. Say nothing, you do not need to explain anything. You need to be brutal with these ones. BLOCK . DELETE . IGNORE Link to post Share on other sites
Author hangingbyathread Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Omg she has like almost all of those qualities!! i figured something was not right with her.. and had looked into it online a few times. ... i have tried to be there for her... i loved her for flaws and all.. but the constant abuse which mostly verbal has been horrible.. and the constant made up fights about nothing she broke up with me on xmas day because i turned off a light when she asked me to leave it on! ( she was falling in and out of sleep amd i was tired too so decided to turn it off just incase)..... Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) i think about ways to give my self amnesia just so i can forget about her...us... i have been trying to distract myself with different activities and even try self hypnosis... nothing is helping... please help!! I can not take any more of this!!Hanging, if your exGF has strong BPD traits, that feeling of utter confusion and stress is not unexpected. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. If you ever feel inclined to take her back, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. Edited January 19, 2015 by Downtown Link to post Share on other sites
Author hangingbyathread Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Thank you so much for your response...it has made me feel a little more sane for sure... and that is the truth she would always make me feel like i am crazy because of all the made up stuff she was convinced was true....but i think i may just try and see a professional... Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 She would always make me feel like i am crazy because of all the made up stuff she was convinced was true.Hanging, if you had been dating a woman having strong traits of narcissism or sociopathy, the outrageous allegations you heard would have been deliberate lies intended to manipulate or punish you. Yet, if she has strong BPD traits, she very likely believed most of the allegations coming out of her mouth. BPDers experience such intense feelings (due to their inability to regulate their own emotions) that the feelings distort their perceptions of a partner's motivations and intentions. To protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality, their subconscious minds project their painful feelings and bad thoughts onto their partners. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, BPDers generally are truly convinced -- at a conscious level -- that it is the truth. And a week later -- when their feelings change 180 degrees -- they will be just as convinced that the opposite is true. This is why it is common, with BPDers, for them to make such outrageous allegations that you will simply marvel that an adult is able to say such things while keeping a straight face. And this is why BPDers tend to be very persuasive when the police show up and ask them their side of the story. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer, you are fortunate you were not falsely arrested on a bogus charge of "abusing her." That's what happened to me and I was in jail for three days before I could go before a judge in arraignment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hangingbyathread Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 After I had researched all of what you mentioned i tried hard to understand her...and why she does what she does... we talked a bit and somehow ended up giving her another chance which i regret... we were back together for one day before she broke up with me again because I wanted to eat breakfast with her...( I had asked her if she wanted me to heat up some food and she said yes, i passed her, her phone and then heated the food up and came into bed and sat with her with the food, she told me she would be a few mins on her phone and i said ok, she told me to eat but i said nah babe i will wait so we can eat together) then dumped.....went off her head saying i was being controlling...she goes around behind my back making up ridiculous things like the reason i waited to eat with her was so i could make her feel guilty and she would get off her phone ahhh drained. I deleted her number .... i have copped so much abuse from her this past week... I am sorry your ex put you through that @downtown. it doesn't suprise me that she had convinced them of such things... my ex is very manipulative and twisted in her own thoughts...its sad really... i think thats why i keep taking her back is because i am convinced that she deserved to be loved regardless but it is destroying me....I just can't keep doing it... I am going to try and book into a psychologist next week and sort some of my thoughts out... she has completely destroyed me... the way i think about myself and has made me feel like i am not even a person anymore.... sigh.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I am going to try and book into a psychologist next week and sort some of my thoughts out.Hanging, I'm glad to hear you are finally breaking free of this toxic relationship. For caregivers like you and me, walking away from a sick loved one -- especially one who is absolutely WONDERFUL on her good days -- is extremely difficult. It therefore is important to hold onto your anger and nurse it, using it as a crutch to help you walk away. Then, a year or so later -- when you are safely removed and not tempted to return -- you can kick that crutch aside. Used properly, righteous anger can go a long ways to protect you. I'm also glad to hear you'll be seeing a psychologist to help clear your mind. A psychiatrist likely would be just as good (also having a PhD in psych) but the fee would be about double because you would also be paying for an MD degree in medicine in addition to the PhD. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hangingbyathread Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Thanks Downtown... back at day 2 atm... day 1 with absolutely no contact though...its hard..very hard specially when my youngest child was and still is so attached to her and constantly requests to see her... I know caring for people like we do is a good quality to have... but also a hard quality to have..gets us hurt way too much...we put up with a lot more than the average person would i guess because we have to much faith in the people we love... Where I am the therapy will be free which is awesome.. its just organizing the kids so i can go that is the issue.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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