How long will it hurt?

[Mif]

Hi guys,

 

My ex partner of 18 months left me suddenly at the very beginning of December. At first, I was in complete shock, having been the happiest I have ever been in my life with this man. I thought we were certainly heading towards marriage. It did not occur to me even once that we would break up. He doesn't seem to know why we broke up at all, and it seemed to be a spur of the moment decision for him. We had no fights, got along wonderfully, even while we were breaking up.

 

I tried very hard to convince him to recommence the relationship, and he gave me lots of breadcrumbs that told me that, well, we might. But one day he said to me 'I would never ever want to marry you' and at that point I realised it was over. He of course, wants to be friends, 'best friends' he says but only on his terms it seems. It's heart breaking for me. He has been away on holidays and I have not had contact with him now for 2 weeks. I am very afraid of him contacting me again when he returns.

 

My question is, how long will the pain last? I feel sick all the time. I have no motivation. I can't concentrate. My memory is poor now and I miss him so intensely that all just cry all the time when I am alone, and when I am with people I am unable to engage in social conversation. I am a slim person and I have lost about 6kgs. I can't motivate myself to eat and I certainly couldn't cook. I feel like I have lost a major part of myself and I am constantly aware of his absence.

 

I am seeing a counsellor and I have bad days and slightly better ones. But I feel like I am steadily getting worse, not better. My counsellor tells me I will find plenty of people in the future that would be happy to meet my needs, but I just cannot move on or even imagine doing so in the future.

[whichwayisup]

I tried very hard to convince him to recommence the relationship, and he gave me lots of breadcrumbs that told me that, well, we might. But one day he said to me 'I would never ever want to marry you' and at that point I realised it was over. He of course, wants to be friends, 'best friends' he says but only on his terms it seems. It's heart breaking for me. He has been away on holidays and I have not had contact with him now for 2 weeks. I am very afraid of him contacting me again when he returns.

 

Change your number, your email address and block him on facebook.

That's how you avoid hearing from him.

 

Bolded part. He can shove it up his arse!! He is full of ego and expects you to be 'best friends' on his terms? Screw that. No friendship, no nothing. He broke up with you, he LOSES you completely.

 

Sorry you're hurting. In time you'll see just how selfish and cruel he has been to you, right now it's hard because you miss and love him still, so it's harder for you to be objective and really see his flaws.

 

Get busy, be with your friends so they can help put a smile on your face, make you laugh and feel good. When he comes back, avoid. Ignore ignore ignore! Take control of your life and do not let him manipulate you into a friendship that you don't want.

[Mif]

Yeah that's what I think too, he can't choose which parts of me he wants, or to have all the benefits of my friendship without any commitment or responsibility. I already see how poorly he has treated me, but that doesn't stop me from missing him. I have already blocked him from facebook, but due to work I cannot change my number. I am hoping I can stay no contact when he contacts me, that I will be strong enough.

 

I feel like I am doing all the right things, I am meeting new people, keeping busy, I am almost never home, I am even spending nights treating myself, I just feel worse and worse emotionally. It's terrifying! Any suggestions?

[Light Breeze]

Yeah that's what I think too, he can't choose which parts of me he wants, or to have all the benefits of my friendship without any commitment or responsibility. I already see how poorly he has treated me, but that doesn't stop me from missing him. I have already blocked him from facebook, but due to work I cannot change my number. I am hoping I can stay no contact when he contacts me, that I will be strong enough.

 

I feel like I am doing all the right things, I am meeting new people, keeping busy, I am almost never home, I am even spending nights treating myself, I just feel worse and worse emotionally. It's terrifying! Any suggestions?

 

If you can't change your number, the alternative is to have his text and calls blocked from your phone, also include your email, that way you cut all lines of communication with your ex.

 

You're doing all the right things, you are even seeing a counsellor. Don't beat yourself up for what you feel now, you are still in the crisis phase, it's normal to feel real bad. Just continue and do your own things and let time do its magic.

 

Heartbreak is akin to a withdrawal from drug addiction in a way that the elimination of the addictive substance triggers your brain to secrete hormones resulting in fired up cravings. Like withdrawal, you're heartache will pass when you distance yourself from all the stimuli associated with it. That's why No Contact is highly recommended for your healing as it removes these stimuli that triggers the addiction. In addition to NC, remove from your house anything that will trigger your memories for you ex. burn it or box it up. A lot of mental validation helps too e.g."I am strong and I can be happy without him". There plenty more of these that you can think about. Then pamper yourself, Love yourself, read self help books, vent here.

 

This ex of yours sounds very selfish so don't give him one more thought. There will be someone in the future who you can share your life and happiness with. Someone who will love and cherish you as you do him.

 

Stay strong

[bigtrouble]

Hi guys,

 

'I would never ever want to marry you' and at that point I realised it was over. He of course, wants to be friends, 'best friends' he says but only on his terms it seems.

 

 

He could not have made it more clearer. You deserve better... I know its painful, but you gotta pull through, Love yourself.

 

Hi guys,

 

My question is, how long will the pain last? I feel sick all the time. I have no motivation. I can't concentrate. My memory is poor now and I miss him so intensely that all just cry all the time when I am alone, and when I am with people I am unable to engage in social conversation. I am a slim person and I have lost about 6kgs. I can't motivate myself to eat and I certainly couldn't cook. I feel like I have lost a major part of myself and I am constantly aware of his absence.

 

 

It is painful, the first few weeks, loss of appetite, lack of sleep, missing him. Just keep telling yourself its not your fault, its all him, this man does not deserve you.

 

Its normal we all go through it, but hang in there, Go NC, and it will get better, do not try to contact him, you will only get pain. You need to pick up yourself, focus on you, love yourself, think of distractions.

 

Friends, music, movies talk let it all out. You need to grieve the lost relationship its only normal, and you will see that everyday the pain gets less and less.

 

Remove anything that would remind you of him even on social Media.

 

Remember you are not alone in this, we suffer the same. Read through the boards, find strength, find wisdom, find encouragement.

[ballycastle]

 

There will be someone in the future who you can share your life and happiness with. Someone who will love and cherish you as you do him.

 

Stay strong

 

How do you KNOW this???? Time and time again I read glib sentiments that the OP will love again. How do we know this? She may not want to hear something like that (and how awful the man is she is supposed to love)

 

 

If they were still together would you still call him selfish?

[ballycastle]

And length of time to get over?

 

 

Well I'm 7 months NC and 6 months breadcrumbs and I am still devastated, so there is no time limit. Perhaps a year you might start to not miss them so much.

[Light Breeze]

How do you KNOW this???? Time and time again I read glib sentiments that the OP will love again. How do we know this? She may not want to hear something like that (and how awful the man is she is supposed to love)

 

So what, tell her she will not love again?

 

 

If they were still together would you still call him selfish?

 

He of course, wants to be friends, 'best friends' he says but only on his terms it seems. It's heart breaking for me. He has been away on holidays and I have not had contact with him now for 2 weeks. I am very afraid of him contacting me again when he returns.

 

This is why I said he was selfish.

 

Because he wants to be bestfriends "Only on his terms". If you were still in love and got dumped would you really want to hear that? He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[Satu]

You are doing a lot right.

 

The more strict about no contact you are the better it works.

 

You HAVE to take care of your physical health, though.

 

Make an appointment with your doctor.

 

Here are a few tips that helped me:

 

 

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

 

 

[Ieris]

But one day he said to me 'I would never ever want to marry you' and at that point I realised it was over.

 

Whenever you think about him, remember the bold part. Hammer it into your head. It feels like taking a bullet but after the pain it will help you see what a waste of time dwelling on him is.

 

I remember one guy I dated many years ago said, "Don't come to my house or I will call the police". I got over him in a week, someone who could say something like that to me isn't worth my tears. Make a promise to yourself that you'll never let anyone treat you like you're nothing x

[ballycastle]

So what, tell her she will not love again?

 

 

 

No, but not make promises that she will. She might, or she might not. She might fall in love with herself and realise that she doesn't want another relationship ever again.

 

 

It's really exhausting when you are in pain and to constantly read that 'you WILL find love again.'

 

 

YES you might not. It is like telling someone who is infertile that they WILL have a child. Chances are they might not.

 

 

It's given them a false hope RATHER than concentrating on getting over an unexpected hurt.

[ballycastle]

You are doing a lot right.

 

The more strict about no contact you are the better it works.

 

You HAVE to take care of your physical health, though.

 

Make an appointment with your doctor.

 

Here are a few tips that helped me:

 

 

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

 

 

 

 

Thank you. This is much better advice than, 'you'll love again.'

[kendahke]

I am so very sorry this happened to you. To just up and change one's mind with no warning that it was coming is upsetting to everything you knew was true in your life. It's even scarier to think that he'd been contemplating this for some time, but keeping it from you. To go from talking marriage to saying he'd never ever want to marry you is beyond cruel--I mean, did he really need to take it there?

 

If someone said that to me, there is no way I'd be friends, let alone best friends with them. Your friends don't cut you to the quick like that. They weather out the rough times that all friendships go through.

 

I agree with the posters above who advocate setting him completely adrift. Block phones, social media, email--everything. You will never be able to move on if there is any glimmer of what I call "psychotic hope" trying to keep you mired in what can now never be.

 

I think your counselor can do a better job than giving you platitudes about the future. We're living in the now, not the future and right now, you are 10 feet underwater, emotionally, with a stone tied to your foot. You need tools to cut that rope so you can surface and swim to shore; and that's what you're paying them to teach you.

 

Break ups are never pleasant. I doubt we need to learn lessons so harshly in life sometimes, but there they are. Satu's list is on point with things you can attend to right now. Take it to heart. I wished I'd known about it when I was going through my break up earlier this year.

 

There are apps in either the Google Play store or iPhone store for blocking phone calls and texts if your phone doesn't have that feature built in. I use one called Privacy Star and it does a really good job.

 

Hugs to you. It's a bloody business now and I'm so sorry you're in pain.

[Light Breeze]

No, but not make promises that she will. She might, or she might not. She might fall in love with herself and realise that she doesn't want another relationship ever again.

 

 

It's really exhausting when you are in pain and to constantly read that 'you WILL find love again.'

 

 

YES you might not. It is like telling someone who is infertile that they WILL have a child. Chances are they might not.

 

 

It's given them a false hope RATHER than concentrating on getting over an unexpected hurt.

 

 

I'm sorry if you feel that way. Personally, iI found this heartening when my breakup was fresh.

 

A lot of people on this site, including me, tell this to others who are experiencing heart breaks. Curiously you are the only one who had such violent reaction to it.

 

Personally, I'm not going stop saying this until such time that the OP tells me to.

 

Thank you for your opinion though.

[Light Breeze]

Thank you. This is much better advice than, 'you'll love again.'

 

Please see number 5 on that list that you quoted.

[ballycastle]

I'm sorry if you feel that way. Personally, iI found this heartening when my breakup was fresh.

 

A lot of people on this site, including me, tell this to others who are experiencing heart breaks. Curiously you are the only one who had such violent reaction to it.

 

Personally, I'm not going stop saying this until such time that the OP tells me to.

 

Thank you for your opinion though.

 

 

I don't think its curious and I don't think I am. I am sure you can't have read what everyone has every written on this site.

 

 

Put it another way. You spend 9 months growing a baby. You fall in love with could be, a life together. You go through highs and lows, the agony of giving birth only to find that it dies.

 

 

You are in the midst of absolute turmoil at a HUGE LOSS. And then someone says, 'Don't worry, you'll have another baby.'

 

 

No? You wouldn't say that to someone losing a child/someone they loved & cherished?

 

 

Then that is why it hurts when to be told, 'You'll replace your loss.'

 

 

Let someone just MOURN please, is all. I react so violently because it is too simple to quote over the complexities of breaking up with someone you love and that you didn't expect in your wildest dreams would LEAVE YOU.

[ballycastle]

Please see number 5 on that list that you quoted.

 

 

 

Yes, can and will love again does not mean another MAN. It might mean love art, TV, female friends, your job. Not a MAN. It might mean HERSELF.

[ZiggyZoo]

How long will it hurt? Well, with the caveat that everyone is different, of course, I'll be happy to share my own recovery timelines with you...

 

 

With my ex-husband, who left me for another woman after eight years of marriage, it took about a full year before I would say I was "over" him. This meant that I was no longer angry at the thought or sight of him, and didn't miss him anymore. I started to feel noticeably better, not crying everyday and actually seeing that there would be a life after him at about six months. This was with the help of my wonderful therapist and some anti-depressants too, so good job on already taking that step. I'd say that I was pretty wrecked, where I couldn't sleep or really eat for about three months and that slowly got better. Now this was all without being able to cut the jerk out of my life entirely, due to our girls. On the other hand...

 

THIS breakup, from my boyfriend of seven months (friends for about a year before that) has gone much smoother because I went total NC. Its been seven weeks since I last had any communication with him, but he had completely ignored me for a month before that. But I guess we weren't "officially" broken up until seven weeks ago. So count it any way you like. But, like I said, going NC has helped enormously. I'm finally to the point where I'm not beating myself up and wishing for a second chance. I can see that there were problems all along, and that I deserve much better than how I was treated. I still cry, but not every day. And I still miss him, but am getting ok with the fact that the relationship is over. I'd say I'm 75% where I want to be.

 

Hang in there, and don't worry if you slip up with the NC, we all do. It'll set your recovery back, but just come on here and we'll help!

[HowMightI-live]

I really, really promise you will be okay. I was with my ex fr almost 4 years and when she first left me i felt quite similar to the way you're feeling now. I was a total wreck, just as you were. Though our situation is somewhat different (she left after i ignored her warnings and refused to work on myself) it still ripped me to pieces nonetheless. I understand that knowing, feeling like you finally found the one and being in utter shock and despair once you realise you were wrong. I wish i could tell you that by tomorrow or in a month or two you' ll be fine but this just isn't the case. I can tell you however that one day you will be. But first you're gong to have to feel this.. all of it. Its a part of the grieving process. You won't heal any other way, the good part about this is though if you see this through you'll come out of it a stronger person and a happier one. This is the time to focus on yourself and your health. This is not about him, its about you. Use your time alone to figure yourself out and your worth and wants and needs. Use this time to become the person that you would want to date and love. You miss him? You love him? You need him? Fine, then miss him, but dont call him. You love him? Fine, love him but accept that its over. Accept this deeply. Know that there's someone out there better, waiting for you to grow until your fullest potential just as hes growing until his. That's your soul mate, your mMrright. It wasn't that other guy. He was just a chapter in your love story, your life story. Know that deeply. All will be well, you will be well, you will be happy.

[Light Breeze]

I don't think its curious and I don't think I am. I am sure you can't have read what everyone has every written on this site.

 

 

Put it another way. You spend 9 months growing a baby. You fall in love with could be, a life together. You go through highs and lows, the agony of giving birth only to find that it dies.

 

 

You are in the midst of absolute turmoil at a HUGE LOSS. And then someone says, 'Don't worry, you'll have another baby.'

 

 

No? You wouldn't say that to someone losing a child/someone they loved & cherished?

 

 

Then that is why it hurts when to be told, 'You'll replace your loss.'

 

 

Let someone just MOURN please, is all. I react so violently because it is too simple to quote over the complexities of breaking up with someone you love and that you didn't expect in your wildest dreams would LEAVE YOU.

 

Again, you're preaching to someone who knows that pain. Personally, I found it heartening and it seems others too. So unless the OPs say specifically they don't want yo hear that, I won't stop to give that helpful encouragement.

 

That's the last time I'm going to reply, we thread jacked enough

 

Thanks..

[Itspointless]

Thank you. This is much better advice than, 'you'll love again.'

If you have lost the ability to walk and someone who is revalidating from the same is telling you that you CAN walk again, than that is meant as a motivation. The other knows how much it hurts and what an enormous amount of work it takes, even though we all are different and have to struggle on on our own to get there.

 

Lots of strength to you Mif, it CAN get better.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Itspointless

[Mif]

All these replies have been amazing, thank you so much. I really appreciate hearing that it will get better, and that there will be someone awaesome for me in the future, as right now all i can feel is pain, i feel like im stuck and that everyone else in the world found someone but i for some reason will miss out. Im 33 and i also worry that maybe ill never get to have children now.

 

My therapist is a little strange. I told her i wanted to be strong enough to have no contact and she told me 'it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world of you did talk to him, maybe met him a few times'. She wants to know what i would do if he wanted to come back to me. I have no idea why she is asking me this, i think he made himself abundantly clear when he said he wouldn't marry me. She had also encouraged me multiple times to go on some casual dates. It feels wrong but she said it would be a useful distraction. This is the second therapist ive tried, as the first told me to 'keep an open mind, you never know what he's thinking' and that i should just 'not be too attached to the outcome'.

 

I've really thrown myself into self help books and I've read 3, one of which has been really helpful in helpinh me put boundaries in place, building assertiveness and assessing the relationship without my rose coloured glasses. But unfortunately i cant talk with the author so im so happy that im gettinv messages of support from all you guys.

[Lokin4AReason]

it ll take a bit to recover ( over 2 mths, but everyone handles it differently ) ....

 

 

but there will be stage(s) you ll be going through ... in the beginning it ll hurt a bit ( a lot ) but in the end your ll be a different person ( stronger one )

 

 

you just need to be around a positive atmosphere and support .... it will make the stage(s) go a little easier

 

 

plus if you need US, WE are here for you

[Itspointless]

My therapist is a little strange. I told her i wanted to be strong enough to have no contact and she told me 'it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world of you did talk to him, maybe met him a few times'. She wants to know what i would do if he wanted to come back to me. I have no idea why she is asking me this, i think he made himself abundantly clear when he said he wouldn't marry me. She had also encouraged me multiple times to go on some casual dates. It feels wrong but she said it would be a useful distraction. This is the second therapist ive tried, as the first told me to 'keep an open mind, you never know what he's thinking' and that i should just 'not be too attached to the outcome'.

Well therapists are there to make us look to things in the world and ourselves in a different way so that we can break out of our boxed views and fixed (dysfunctional) pattern. So perhaps she saw some things with you that made her say that. Hard to say from the outside.

 

What your therapist says about dating is something I say to myself at the moment. I never have liked dating, it always felt forced to me. So it is kind of hard for me to switch the button to do it now. Almost all of my friends are settled and with kids, which does make the chances of meeting new people/friends harder and harder. It is just about the fun as only sitting at home does not make you feel better. And apparently she does want a life without me, or more exact only when it suits her, so this is my reality.

 

There have been multiple moments in my life that I have thought that I would never be happy again, but I always have been wrong. You will also get there.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, most likely he met someone else. This is the usual cause of blindsiding.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. In a way, it's for the best. He has shown his true colors. As other posters have pointed out, he's a very selfish person.

 

It's tough but try to remember that this sudden rupture reflects on him, not on you. There's nothing wrong with you. You did nothing wrong.

 

Stay NC. Post on LS. Keep people who care about you close. You'll pull through. Going on 10+ months NC here!