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Should I propose to my ex who I truly love?


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Long story, but basically 2.5 months ago my girlfriend of 5 years, just left me, took her stuff and moved to her mums. It was a total shock and I was too stupid to ever notice any of the signs something was wrong, even if I did spot ssomething wrong I wouldn't say anything , just plain ignore them just to save an argument.

Her reason for leaving was that she was no longer in love with me, hadn't been for a couple of months.

 

I am still completely torn apart over this, it is and has been continually on my mind the entire time, it's absolutely torturing me, I can't sleep at night, I'm not eating like I used to be able to and I struggle getting out of bed in the mornings, so much so that I am often late for work now when I was always on time.

 

I really loved her more than anything and I still do, however I know I never showed her this as much as I should have, never told her much and very rarely bought her gifts or spent as much time with her as I should, I know she's the type of girl who needs to feel loved and I just never bothered showing her much, but I am so annoyed at myself because I do love her more than anything else.

 

We definetly started drifting apart too, she'd go off for the day with her mum and I'd spend a lot of time with my family, but this was never on purpose as such , I'd often be back late and she would hate being stuck in the house alone not knowing when I'd be back, guess I was just selfish to an extent but I never really meant it honestly.

In the summer she came off the pill and I was hesitant at first, I even pulled out during a very intimate moment once and this upset her greatly, made her feel like she was forcing me into it , I don't even know why I did it to be honest.

 

However after a month or so, I was ok with the idea, but again suppose I never really said to her how I was looking forward to it. Then she had a huge promotion at work and she wanted to be safe for a while until she was guaranteed a job before having a child, so I definetly paid her less attention purely because I didn't want to ruin her chances by getting her pregnant, but she seems to think that I did not want children with her and this is why I stopped even when she was at times trying to spice things up between us by buying sexy underwear etc.

 

Around a week or 2 after we broken up she was already seeing someone else, they are still in a relationship now, however she said they are taking things slow. This hurts me a lot and her family can't believe how fast she moved on from a serious relationship. She told me it's over and there is basically no chance of trying again , and she stated if we did get back together I'd be thinking of her having been intimate with this guy in the back of my mind all the time , which I guess I would but at the end of the day worse things than this happen all the time in relationships and it can be forgiven eventually as she stated she absolutely didn't cheat on me just moved on very fast.

 

So although she says to me that I will find somebody else and she's with someone now and we need to move forward, she also stated that when my friend recently told her about my last gf that it did wind her up a little thinking of me with someone else, she'd be imagining if she was prettier or slimmer etc etc, so it seems deep in the back of her mind there must still be something there.

 

I really regret not having proposed a year or 2 ago, she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, I feel we are truly soulmates and she always told me how she'd love to marry me and how I know she'd definitely say yes. Around 2-3 weeks before she left me I'd been shopping for engagement rings with the view to taking her to Italy in spring and proposing , however it crushes me inside to know I've been that close to having secured it and I've totally ruined my chances now. I was just wondering whether I should really buy an engagement ring and just ask to see her and see what she says when i get down on one knee, I'm truly truly sorry for having been so stupid to have let her go and for every time I let her down, I never meant it once.

 

I'd assume she'd more than likely say no as like she says it's gone way too far now and her minds made up and on top of that she's been seeing someone else for over 2 months. But I can't lose this girl, I simply can't go on carrying this burden for the rest of my life having lost who I feel is truly 'the one'.

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Do NOT propose to her. You would be doing it for all the wrong reasons.

 

She told you she wasn't in love with you anymore; she even has a new boyfriend. She may not have cheated on you, but relationships don't form out of thin air. She was definitely talking to this guy, and assessing their potential together. And it all added up to the point where now she's with him.

 

You proposing to her will change none of the above. It will, however, humiliate you and crush you further when she rejects you.

 

If I were you, I would stop communicating with her completely.

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travelbug1996

I think you can give it a try (especially since you're the reason she dumped you) but if she says yes, you have to keep up the relationship. You can't let it fall by the wayside again.

 

If she says no just accept that and move on.

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I think you can give it a try (especially since you're the reason she dumped you) but if she says yes, you have to keep up the relationship. You can't let it fall by the wayside again.

 

If she says no just accept that and move on.

I really disagree with you. Like.. A lot. The OP should take a clue from your signature and not do it.

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travelbug1996
I really disagree with you. Like.. A lot. The OP should take a clue from your signature and not do it.

 

I can respect that you disagree but I think he will regret it forever if he doesn't try to make things right with her. He admits that he didn't treat her well and now sees the error of his ways.

 

I believe this other guy is just a rebound and he should give it a go. What's the worst that could happen? she will say no. Ok. Still wouldn't be the end of the world. Life goes on but you still gotta take chances.

 

People are so full of fear around here. He won't die if she says no.

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It's just that we truly were the perfect couple together, absolutely amazing together. I cannot forgive myself for letting her go, i really never meant it, but there is no way i can show her this. I was so looking forward to starting our little family we'd talked about for years. I don't think I could be crushed any further than I have been, I'm so so depressed over it. Maybe if I could just talk to her more in person instead somehow? I saw her last night for the first time in about a month and we spoke for over an hour.

I tried to hug her a couple of times just to feel that once more, but she would only very loosely hug me and when I left she didn't want me to and she kinda jokingly went for a handshake instead.

We had it all together , a beautiful house, her family loved me and mine loved her, amazing relationship and it has gone now in an instant and I've lost everything, I'm now living in a little bedroom in my parents house and I'm a mess.

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People are so full of fear around here. He won't die if she says no.

Believe me, I'm the first one to believe in second chances and redemption.

 

But proposing to someone who left you, told you she's not in love with you anymore and is in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship IS NOT the way to "win" someone back.

 

As usual when someone comes up with a plan like that, life is not a movie. It's not about the fear of rejection. It has nothing to do with it.

 

It's just that we truly were the perfect couple together, absolutely amazing together.

If that was the case, you would still be together. Sorry to break it to you like that.

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People are so full of fear around here. He won't die if she says no.

 

No.. but he might if she says yes...

 

You do realize that you don't ask someone to marry you because they broke up with you for ignoring them and treating them in a way that would make them break up with you..

 

If she said yes the future would most likely be a repeat of what made them break up..

 

At least that is how I read it..

 

You also don't ask someone to marry you to get them back..

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I understand its probably like the worst time to ever propose, and she'd almost definitely say no but part of me thinks even if there was a 1% chance she'd say yes then it will be worth it. The biggest problem with the relationship was me and total lack of communication at times, I guess I just foolishly assumed we'd never split up, so it never mattered much. I cannot simply cannot go on having lost my true love.

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He admits that he didn't treat her well and now sees the error of his ways.

 

Every dumpee does so. That is why it is called bargaining when you would accept

all responsibility for relationship failing.

 

It takes two to tango, two to make or break relationship.

 

Clarity on this matter that complete blame is not yours is detrimental to

moving on.

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absolutely no. you're distraught and not thinking clearly. everyone goes through this. if you truly love her and believe you were meant to be then just give her her space. I know its hard. when my ex left me I wanted to go to her door and pour my heart out. it will only make it worse.

 

the only way proposing would even have a 1% chance is if the only reason she left you is because you didn't propose to her. this will not work my friend.

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I understand its probably like the worst time to ever propose, and she'd almost definitely say no but part of me thinks even if there was a 1% chance she'd say yes then it will be worth it. The biggest problem with the relationship was me and total lack of communication at times, I guess I just foolishly assumed we'd never split up, so it never mattered much. I cannot simply cannot go on having lost my true love.

 

 

Dude, the reasons for which she broke up with you didn't go away, in these past two weeks. They are still there. You are still the same person. You're just in panic mode now. And you will be in panic mode even if she somehow returned to you.

 

Healing and self-improvement do not happen instantly, they take time, patience, and lots of work. Judging by how quickly she moved on into this second (potentially rebound) relationship, what makes you think that - even if she hypothetically (really unlikely) said yes, that she would wait around for all those things to change?

 

Right now, the only thing you're thinking about is getting her back. Once you have her back, all the other things that you're neglecting to see, right now, will come into play, like: her falling out of love with you, her jumping into a second relationship, the details of that relationship, the fact that she left you.

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part of me thinks even if there was a 1% chance she'd say yes then it will be worth it.

 

She is with another guy..

 

If she was not dating and at home each night waiting for you to call and sending you text messages how much she missed you then you might stand some sort of chance that she might say yes...

 

Sorry.. it seems like moving on and NC are the healthiest things to do...

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It just seems that 2.5 months later I really shouldn't feel as bad as I am. I even tried the whole dating thing and just can't do it, it's not me, never been the type of person to look for someone just to sleep with anyway.

I thought she may possibly say yes because she desperately wanted to get married from perhaps 6 months after we met to well I guess just before she was having doubts, she said last night why didn't I propose earlier so that she knew I was at least deadly serious about wanting to be with her, as she didn't think I was as was paying less attention to her in the bedroom and used to go on the computer late at night etc so she thought it possible I was cheating.

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She dumped you, she made a decision, no matter how hard that was for her and she left.

She said she didn't love you, so why on earth would she want to marry you?

She has now moved on, and you should leave her be.

 

Anything you now promise will be looked at as coming out of desperation and loneliness and not anything that is about real commitment to her.

 

You had your chance, women contrary to common belief are not difficult.

She wanted you to show commitment, to have a family with you and to show her you loved her, but you scuppered that, you even rejected heradvances to you in sexy underwear, so deep was your fear of pregnancy.

She doesn't want a man like that.

 

Leave her alone.

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, as she didn't think I was as was paying less attention to her in the bedroom and used to go on the computer late at night etc so she thought it possible I was cheating.

 

 

I call BS on her "excuses".

 

She didn't think I was....

 

so she thought it possible I was cheating.

 

 

Seems that if she really cared as much as she would like you to believe, she would have done more communicating instead of thinking. Are you supposed to be a mindreader Eagle50956?

 

 

Funny how she "thought" you were cheating when in all likelyhood she was having an emotional affair or worse with her now new boyfriend.

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She fell out of love and she has somebody else.

 

But proposing to her is not the best thing, since she is into a new relationship. There is a chance you will push her away.

 

The feelings connection for you have gone, you need to build a new bridge towards her if you really want her back.

 

As painful as it may seem you need to sit this one out, give her time, its painful, I know but you will need the perfect chance to go back to her life.

 

For you its not over and you continue were you left off, thus you want to propose to her, but for her its a new slate.

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Funny how she "thought" you were cheating when in all likelyhood she was having an emotional affair or worse with her now new boyfriend.

 

...but she seems to think that I did not want children with her and this is why I stopped even when she was at times trying to spice things up between us by buying sexy underwear etc.

 

Wait a minute, HE rejected her advances even in her sexy underwear, (seriously embarrassing for her), and spent his time on the computer late at night and now SHE is the one you think was cheating and SHE was being unreasonable...

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I am very sorry you are hurting. Please do not propose to her. As painful as this is, take this as a lesson that when you love someone you do not sideline them and expect them to stick around. It sounds like you recognize this now and will not repeat this behavior in the future. It is time to move on.

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It just seems that 2.5 months later I really shouldn't feel as bad as I am. I even tried the whole dating thing and just can't do it, it's not me, never been the type of person to look for someone just to sleep with anyway.

 

 

A FIVE year relationship and you think 2.5 months later...uh, 10 weeks? And you're not going to still be suffering immense loss? What you're feeling is NORMAL. Shoot son, it look me a good 4 months or so to start feeling better after a year long RS.

 

The first 3..3.5 months were spent doing what you are doing now; blaming myself, being mad at myself, bargaining, fantasizing that something I could do would reach his heart and be enough, etc. etc. etc. It wasn't until around the 4 month mark when I could quit assigning this person sainthood.

 

Also, dating will make you feel worse, not better. You will compare every new person to the one you're still hung up on and then feel like "oh, I'll never love again, no one compares!"

 

I thought she may possibly say yes because she desperately wanted to get married from perhaps 6 months after we met to well I guess just before she was having doubts, she said last night why didn't I propose earlier so that she knew I was at least deadly serious about wanting to be with her, as she didn't think I was as was paying less attention to her in the bedroom and used to go on the computer late at night etc so she thought it possible I was cheating.

 

So, did you tell her then that you had been preparing to propose or something?

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It wasn't until around the 4 month mark when I could quit assigning this person sainthood.

 

That is such an awesome quote. . . . and so true.

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girlfriend of 5 years, just left me, took her stuff and moved to her mums. It was a total shock and I was too stupid to ever notice any of the signs something was wrong

 

Her reason for leaving was that she was no longer in love with me, hadn't been for a couple of months.

 

 

Around a week or 2 after we broken up she was already seeing someone else, they are still in a relationship now, however she said they are taking things slow.

 

 

Do I think she was cheating? I don't know whether she cheated physically but I do believe she was having an emotional affair.

 

I mean come on, together for 5 years, and in a span of a couple of months fell out of love? And just like that she blindsides him with a break up and immediately moves out and won't talk to him?

 

She thought this... She thought that... Seems that she if she had some real cocerns about the relationship she would have done something more than just thinking....maybe trying communicating?

 

I might trying to say the OP never made any mistakes. We all make mistakes sometimes in relationships. Were these mistakes deal breakers for the ex? Maybe they were but I say it is too bad she didn't communicate her supposedly unhappiness. Instead her reasons are she thought this and she thought that.

 

Maybe it's just me but when I truely love someone and or at least care enough about someone or the relationship I communicate about things that cocern me. I don't just think about things. Most people I know do the same. I just don't buy her excuses. She can't prove that she thoughts those things because she never bothered to communicate them.

 

Let's be honest, she fell out of love in a couple of months because she met someone else, abandoned the OP, and a week or two later is in a relationship with said guy.

 

There once was a time, when I was naive, I would have believed her. Now having been on the receiving end of this and having read this over and over on LS, I know better.

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Wait a minute, HE rejected her advances even in her sexy underwear, (seriously embarrassing for her), and spent his time on the computer late at night and now SHE is the one you think was cheating and SHE was being unreasonable...

 

I would have never cheated ever, that is just not who I am. Although I can see why she thought this, but genuinely I'd be on the computer late at night because I just wouldn't be tired, so just be browsing the web really.

I am so hurt by this whole thing I feel I'm having a mental breakdown over it. Though yes she should have had a proper talk to me before doing anything major, we are both to blame for the downfall, but I am the bigger part to blame by not having showed her what she means to me and let her down on many occasions, but never with intent. I love this girl, she always said 'you know I'd say yes if you asked me to marry you right' but I'd always brush it away jokingly, I just wish I'd asked her earlier. We were truly amazing together and absolutely meant for each other but I let her down way too much and she decided that I must not love her, so I assume started deciding to look elsewhere. I'm not even sure where she'd have met this guy, she never went out at all really, all the people at her work are female. I'd just assume it's someone she's know for a while and started texting out of the blue one day when she was feeling lonely.

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