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BF moved today- kids come home Sun- Help a hurting mom


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I did it. 4yr old BF kicked to the curb. I left my H for this a.h who turned out to be verbally abusive and financially unstable. I allowed him to break my spirit with his contstant criticising, and put downs. He humiliated and degraded me so that I had nothing left. I allowed him to do it to my children which is worse. Well this week was the last straw. He yelled at me in front of my 6yr and 13yr old to get the f*ck out. I told him I'll stay in our rental home and he has to leave. Today he did. We havent spoken since Monday (even in the same bed)

After he moved out a few things in the a.m. and hadnt returned or called me - I had the locks changed. He arrived back at the house to discover what I had done and blew a gasket.

Called me a snake - and that he was going to try and work it out with me (while separated) but now that I had done THAT - it is OVER! hello? who asked who to leave?

My common sense tells me this is the thought process of an abuser, but it hurts just the same the name calling and how ugly it became. I was hoping that we could have a sad or tearful goodbye- we gave it all we could. And he just made me feel terrible. He laughed as he drove off that I was the one crying. What a sick individual. That he has to degrade me to feel good about himself. His ex-wife even phone me to ask if I was ok? she could relate.

and offered to be with me if I needed her (a saint)

My children return tommorrow from their dad's and I am in so much pain and I have to put on a brave face. This too is hurting really bad. I didn't experience this pain when I divorced as I do now. Hurting.

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If there was ever a time that you needed to be strong and go against what your heart may be telling you, it's now.

 

This "Gem" you've been hooked up with for the past 4 years is an abuser period. IF you ever had any thoughts that maybe he was going to change, I would suggest calling his Ex Wife back and let her tell you how long she had thoughts that maybe he would change.

 

Seek out outside support from family and friends.. don't be ashamed to ask for help. You've taken the first step in getting him out of your house, now do the right thing in getting him out of your life. Your little people look to you for what is okay and what isn't.. please don't allow them to grow up thinking that anyone has the right to speak to them in this manner.. abuse isn't okay.

 

Take care of yourself and your babies.

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YOu MUST stay away from this man, at least for the childrens sake, I am sure when you tell your children that the relationship has ended they will be releived. I would get a restraing order, if he is on the lease he can acess your home or even sit in your driveway all night!

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as much as it may hurt you need to remember that the actions of your bf is very abusive towards you and your children but not only that more importantly your babies if left in that type of environment will grow up to think that is a healthy r/s or become abusive themselves. You are a brave woman and I admire you for standing up just remember that not only are you saving yourself future abuse but it has no happy ending. As much as we want to believe they will change they don't unless they have years and years of therapy and then I still sometimes wonder . It is real easy for someone looking in to judge us and say I would never tolerate such behavior but nobody knows what they will endure unless they are put in the situation. I married my first love (never hit me or verbally abused me during the 3 years of dating) but hit me for the first time on our honeymoon. They always cry, plead, beg, etc and promise to change but it doesn't ever get better only worse. Unfortunately I felt as if I shoud stay in this horrible marriage b/c I was ashamed to admit my marriage had failed. Didn't share my pain with anyone but hid the abuse, finally one night I realized that I had to leave before he killed me. I hate to admit this now b/c I am not the same person I was back then, but I stayed and did not get out until I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified of living with this man but to bring up a child with this man terrified me even more. I knew that he would eventually beat my child and so the day I found out I was pregnant I decided that I would leave. I knew I would have to sneak away and planned on leaving the next morning as if I was going to work and leave, I regret that I didn't leave earlier on b/c that night he found my suitcase and so he grabbed me by the hair and slammed my face into our bathroom mirror, I protected my face with my hands and still have scars on my hands from that night. I remember the mirror smashing around my face. I later came to laying on my couch with my mom and my husbands voices in the background. Apparently I had blacked out and my mom said he had called her b/c he had found me on the floor when he came home. I was still really dazed and confused but ask my mom to take me to the ER of course he came along with us. That was the last night I spent in that house I left for work the next morning with nothing but the clothes on my back and I never went back. I suffered a miscarriage that night and I will never forgive him for that. It wasn't a planned pregnancy but I still have regrets for not leaving sooner. Sorry just felt like sharing that story just wanted you to know that you are on the right path for your self and your children and I am so proud of you. There is no excuse for verbal or physical abuse and we do not want to teach our children that this behavior is acceptable. Be proud of yourself for being such a fantastic role model for your children. You are their biggest teacher. God bless and keep you safe. Kat

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I keep re-living this day and the past 4 years. I had eaten nothing today and slept 3 hours.

I am happy to hear your support and encouragement. My mind keeps going back to WHO WAS I? to get involved in this in the first place. I think he wooed me silly until I fell hard into his grips. Bit by bit he revealed who he was. By then, the shame of ending my marriage for this guy, made me WORK HARDER at making THIS work so I wouldn't have another failure.

Although in therapy the whole time, she let me discover on my own until I could face the truth. I remember therapist said, Sue "I don't knoe how your going to deal with his anger?"

We had couples therapy so she knew him. He manipulated me from the get-go. he created and required PROOF that I loved him by insisting I do certain things. Leave your husband, Tell him to take the kids this wweekend, Jeez the first weekend I moved in with hime he insisted we go to Rosarito and I left my 3 kids with his niece (who they never met before)

How could I have done that to my children?

 

He would tell my kid's "Get Out" of our room- so he could be alone with me. He would want to have sex with the door unlocked, in the daytime when the probability of the kid's walking in was great- and did- and he laughed.

 

When we visited my mother- he left the bedroom door open one morning, climbed on top of me, and then said, I think your mother saw us f*cking and got a kick out of it.

 

When my baby was 2 and sleeping in our bed, he f*cked me.

 

I felt sic. I thought he likes the thrill of getting caught. We would lay together watching TV in front of my older daughter and he would put a hand on my boob. My daughter and I would getmad. He knew no limits. It was wrong- and he always denied doing anything worng.

 

It was me- I am confessing all of this because of the great shame I feel for not being able to control it. I am purging myself of this, because I was too ashamed to even tell my therapist.

I felt ugly for cooperating but manipulated and controlled.

 

I need to forgive myself, and I know I have the opportunity. Most important I wanted to show my children that it is NOT OK to accept this treatment.

 

But I feel so bad for having put them through this and I am disgusted with myself.

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You shouldn't be ashamed to tell your theripist anything, If you don't feel comfortable telling your theripist things maby you should find a new one, why spend all the time and money on therapy if it isn't going to work 100%.

 

This man seems awaful, and I hope he never has children :mad: I think you need to spend as much quality time as possible with your children and when they are at their dads spend some quality time with YOURSELF.

 

In the future be verry careful about the men you bring around you kids and don't ever let a man in your life that wont respect you and your children and your mother for gods sake, or won't be a positive role modle in your childs life, find a man that you want your son to look up to and model his behavior ( although the kids have a father they still need to see their mother be treated with respect, loved and adored)

 

I was a single mother for a verry long time and dated several men untill I found a good one, I choose my current relationship because I would want my son to grow up and be a respectful, kind and caring man like the one I found and you can settle for nothing less than that. I am sure when your children are adults you want healthy relationships for them, and you need to model this for them. Kids do what they are taught, so if your daughter see's a man treating you like SH** chances are she will find a man that does the same, Take this as a lesson learned and look foward to your future with you and your children without this man :)

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I sympathize greatly with your pain, and I understand how bad you are beating yourself up now. Well, I think you have suffered enough. Yes, letting this horrible man into your life was very wrong, but I am sure that at the time you were making the best decisions that you could. Getting him out of your life has been painful, but maybe you can cheer up just a little bit thinking about how much more peaceful it is going to be around your place with him gone. I am sure the kids will be happy to learn the news. Time to forgive yourself, and working on making sure that you will never allow this to happen again.

 

Single mothers do need to be HYPERvigilant about any possible men in their lives. New men should be kept strictly away from the children until you know them well.

 

I'm not sure you have to pretend to your kids you are not in pain. They will figure it out anyhow. Just let them know that bf is gone for good, and you're basically happy about it, but that his leaving was unpleasant and has made you upset. They will understand that...it's better than saying nothing and letting them guess. Time to get busy with holiday crafts, visiting relatives, etc.

 

Good luck, you did the right thing and tehre are better days ahead.

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Do you beleive it? I have never experienced a pain like this. I cry in the store, while driving. I do try to let it out in sobs, hoping that it will be cathartic. I am washing my sheets and bedspread in hopes that I will wash the scent away.

 

There are things I need a man around to help with , like moving furniture. MY GF offered her beau, but its 12 and I haven't heard from them and I'm sure my weeping sobbing face aint pretty. I know I will get it done. I know I am feeling sorry for myself.

 

I am making myself sick and I have to wake up. It just hurts in the worst way.

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Originally posted by lifestyle1

.

There are things I need a man around to help with , like moving furniture.

 

You don't need a man for SH**!! get some of those moverbuddie things you can slide furniture across the room and a "man with batteries" if you know what I mean, some choclate, and a good girlfriend to cry to, a bottle of wine and poof there you have it somethings better than a man for less than $50.00 :love::laugh::laugh:

 

Just trying to make you laugh :laugh::laugh:;)

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The EX boyfriend left behind a fresh super pack of Duracell batteries!! and I'm not even in the mood to use those...hmmmmmpf.

 

It's been a few hours and I have'nt cried. It's day 1. I went out and replaced the washer and dryer he is taking tommorrow and a dresser- SO THERE- I did it.

 

When I drove home - I saw his car parked at his X's house where his children and workshop are. Before it didn't bother me, but now I hate knowing that he is there and so close.

 

I know I shouldn't care, but I bet his ex-wife who he never formally divoced (papers were signed and notarized but never mailed) is going to take him right back,, and it makes me sick - he has it so easy. Well there you go. the 2 women in his life that allowed this type if twisted relationship to continue. She made it ok to continue to work at her house/workshop.

 

I made it ok to live with me (although I asked him to finalize, threatened etc)

 

I don't know why I feel like the loser?

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Hey there!

 

I'd just like to start off by saying good for you for not tolerating his B.S. Ya know, if he is going to criticize you in front of your children then obviously this guy has no respect for you or your them. I know it's hard to get over him but your children should come first in your life. After all, your kids have a longer guarantee than this loser. Guys that will treat you like dirt will come a dime a dozen, it's the guys that will treat you like gold that seem hard to find. If you wanna talk, I will listen. I've been there.

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YOu shouldn't feel like a loser your NOT you are WONDERFUL for finally realizing that you we're in a bad realtionship and got out. and it seems like your a great mother so loser not typical.

 

I know it's only been a couple days, but don't let this man take your self- esteem if you do he has won and you are better than that, there will be some adjustments to be made and you will feel lonley but this feeling will fade and you soon will be strong again. Go look in the mirror tell your self how beautiful, strong and independant you are!! ( that helps me feel better)

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