Dumped days after Tropical getaway. Just want him back

[Vam5086]

This is a long one so please bear with me! ---- I'm 25 years old, as is my ex, and we'd been together for a year and a half. Last night he told me that we should just break up in a text message. He said essentially that I encroaches on his personal needs and that he is unable to make me happy in our relation

 

For context, our fighting started 6 months ago when i found out he had cheated on me (engaged in 4-month-long conversations of a sexual nature with a girl, and he'd even met her for drinks while I'd been traveling). After uncovering this I tried to break up with him, but he was persistent like nothing i had ever seen. He offered me access to all his accounts, including his phone, told me he'd voluntarily ended this sexting relationship months ago, he even left his relationship status up on facebook with a photo of the two of us together as his default while i set my status to single.

 

For the months that followed he stood by me as I lashed out at him frequently and with little real provocation. Throughout this he helped me move apartments, aiding in my job search, stood by me through the death of a highschool friend, and during our time spent together he was the most loving and wonderful boyfriend a girl could dream to have, consistently. I remember him calling me an uber when my cab failed to come to take me to an interview, and he left his work meeting to ensure the driver made it to me. That uber driver told me to marry this guy, and that he seldom sees a guy who cares so much for girlfriend. This is just one example of who he was to me, consistently.

 

That said, my months of acting out wore thin, and in late october he was contacted about a promotion across the country. For the weeks that followed he told me he didn't know if we should stay together because it might be easier to figure out what he was going to do on his own, he also said he hoped he could put off the move for a few months to see if we would be in a better place to potentially move together. Then, November 1st he asked we take a month long break. After 2 weeks apart I reached out to him realizing his significance to me. He responded by suggesting we meet that friday night for dinner at my favorite restaurant, then that night he called me in tears saying he couldn't give me what i needed because id been so unhappy for the last 4 months and he had tried as hard as he possibly could. He also said that he needed to let me go on the phone because he would surely eat his words in person. After saying that he said he still wanted to get dinner and give this thing a proper ending. After dinner he started crying saying he didnt want this to be over. I told him I was very confused by his behavior and he clearly didn't know what he wanted. He insisted that this and me were what he wanted and I told him of course I wanted to be with him too.

 

From there we had basically a month and a half of smooth sailing. We booked 2 vacations - one for january one for february. He was even up for a different promotion locally and it appeared the muck had settled. When he didn't get the local promotion though, he sort of regressed into a person who was acting as unsure about me as before ( i understand the impact of life circumstances) He didn't se me over the holiday which was awful, and I broke up with him in a text in the heat of a fight. He pleaded for a while, then said ok and that the 2-day text fight we had over christmas reminded him vividly of the 4 months of fighting that had followed his cheating and that he didnt want to be with me because he couldnt make me happy.

 

Of course after that I wanted to eat my words, but he wouldnt let me, said things like we keep doing this and this time it needs to be done. But of course, the kicker, we had vacation plans for 9 days on a tropical island. Which we went on, and we exchanged stuff the night before the trip to allow for a clean break. That said, the whole trip he referred to me as his girlfriend, told me he wanted to be with me as my boyfriend, and that he was happy with me. He even said he wanted to start spending more time with me.

 

We got in late tuesday night and he had a 5am flight, this, Sunday morning for work. Since we've been back he has been very cold and distant. I know he is struggling with not only not being selected for a promotion but also finding out his current role was dissolved leading to a demotion. I tried to be supportive and give him the space he needs. But for 5 days he communicated 1/25 of our normal level of talkativeness. He spoke to me about other job opportunities for a year or two down the line at a family members start-up (also based across the country), he didn't want to take single off his facebook because he felt it would be too much back and forth, and vocalized needing space to spend the day by himself the saturday before he left for his work trip and also the friday he returns. This struck me as very odd behavior, because after a week with him and the things he said I felt he should want to be with me. He did see me Friday night when we went out for a friends bday and we had a blast. Then we left abruptly though when he ate something that didn't make him feel well, and he dropped me off and proceeded to go home.

 

The next morning he texted and I asked if he'd collected his car from my place yet which he said he had done. I then sent him half a dozen texts about not understanding why he wouldnt ask to say bye to me or get breakfast, and asking if this was going to be what it was going to be like when he got home.. To which he responded, "I think we should just break up." He sent me two more texts in response to mine (which I'll admit where abundant-- and continued long after his 2 short texts to me). Honestly, I was a pain in the ass. But, I felt slighted, and on the coat tails of things his distance felt strange to me.

 

I think he is really gone, but i am having great difficulty accepting that. We both were faced with such significant life challenges right as the anger i felt from him disrespecting our relationship was evaporating. The thing is, we seldom fight when we are physically together and really enjoy each others personalities and so much. We had a blissful year before all of this and a blissful month and a half before life interjected. I don't think now is the right time for us, but we have both unquestionably grown as people, and friends, and I feel so grateful for him it is very hard to imagine just letting it disappear. Our relationship and him were unlike anything I have ever know, and I truly never want imagine my life with someone else. I also can't imagine not having a chance to say goodbye. To make matters more complicated, we have a vacation booked in february, and unlike our last trip this one is linked to my account, so I wonder if I just cancel it or reach out in a few weeks to see if he wanted to go---I'm not sure what is right.

 

How do I handle this situation? What do you guys think

[kenmore]

Wow, that is difficult.

 

On one hand, you two are not doing very well with the on again off again thing, and the angry texts and the difficult life situation, but on the other, you both seem to want it to work and have both made some real attempts to make it work.

 

I'm not a big fan of trial separations, but it seems to me that some time apart may suit you both. You could both figure out your feelings, maybe he can get his career going etc. Ultimately, if he has to move across the country, would you move with him? Could you?

 

All relationships have arguments and times of difficulty. I am particularly concerned with your second paragraph. If he was really happy with you, why did he feel the need to start talking to and seeing someone else? Even if they never slept together, that's a HUGE red flag.

 

You two are very young, and early relationships often don't work out. I'm not trying to diminish what you feel or had, but it's true. A lot of the reason is just what you're talking about: His career is not settled, and he may have to move. That happens a lot in relationships concerning twenty-somethings.

 

I know it hurts, and also it seems you have been an over-communicator. I'm going to suggest the opposite, just stop and leave it alone for awhile. Let both of you think, feel and figure out what you want. Just remember that red flag though. I ignored the one I saw when I asked my wife to marry me. We were both in our late 40's and she had been single almost all of her life. That's a red flag and I should have seen it right in front of my face. In fact, I did see it and acknowledged it, but swept it aside because I was in love and wanted it to work between us. Well, it did work..just long enough for me to fall so madly in love with her that when she decided she wanted to be single again, I could be devastated.

 

If he was cheating on you now, he may (and probably will) do it again. Please don't wave your red flag aside as easily as I did. Best of luck to you!

 

Ken

[Vam5086]

Oh, I most certainly would not move with him given the situation. Could I? Yes, I could probably make it work. Would I? Absolutely not. A few months ago yes, but today there is absolutely just no way. Moreover, I also do not believe he would even contimplate asking me.

 

It is tough. I know we are young, but we have been through a lot, and i don't think i accurately describe the extent of what I put him through after discovering of the sexting. It was early in our relationship and ended several months before I caught on. I met the girl prior to my confronting him and she substanciated that fact. She even told me that he had informed her towards the end that he had a girlfriend and for the last month or so the context of their communication changed and he was very vocal about what he had going with me. She said it was something he talked about at length when they'd met in person and shd found that to be very offputting, and wasn't surprised when he totally stopped contacting her shortly thereafter. Not at excuse for his behavior by any means, but in the coming months I tried furiously to shake him and I can truly say that I felt that anyone who would put themselves through that to keep me was not going to risk doing that again. Maybe a naive notion given that he has now walked away from me so easily, and for the first time in our year and a half history he has not responded to my texts (sent yesterday throughout the course of the night after he broke up with me).

 

I understand he needs to figure out himself right now. He doesn't know where he will be working or living, and a lot is variable in my life at this junction too. It is a predicament I never saw us in. Not to say I ever saw him as my future husband, because I recognize we are too young to think like that. But, we grew up in the same small town, went to the same highschool (barely knew one and other), and re-discovered eachother a few years out from college, living in the same city, with our parents and families still living only a mile apart in the same small town. He went to college locally where as I had moved away for school, and later I had moved away temporarily for work. He had been so vocal about loving this city and not wanting to leave I honestly felt the wind had been knocked out of me when that was introduced in October. It is something he does not want to do for reasons that were far more extensive than me or us, but I think he feels compelled to if oppertunity strikes, he's very career driven.

 

Anyway, thank you for your advise. Do you think in a few weeks, if I still want him back I should contact him? I am grappling with that given his recent treatment of me. If he ignored my existance for weeks I do not see how I could reachout to him or what benifit it would have. He knows where I am and could contact me if he wanted to, and I have far too much self respect to allow this guy to think I'm going to chase him or allow him to treat me like this. That said, I do love him. Its an awful predicament