! In dark hole waiting for her to "figure things out."

[Namja78]

Never thought I would be here making a post on LS. One month ago my fiance of 1 yrs, dated 3 years total. Told me she was having doubts about marriage and engagement. And that she had these feelings for awhile 6+ months. This came as a total shock to me because she never express these feelings to me before. As far as I knew we had a loving relationship, I truly love her and I know she loves me too, despite our current situation. Which is that were on a "break."

 

Some of the issues is that Both of us are non confrontational and i think in past 3 yrs we fought maybe 2 times, which may have been a problem, because we never brought up any issues. She told me she needed a "break" to figure things out and try to works on these doubts. She is 27 yrs old and started a new career in another city, been doing long distance for 4 months and im afraid she got the GIGS (Grass is greener syndrome). She came clean and told me she is "talking" to another guy (who has a better career and makes more money then me), who is also in another city far from her, so they have never met in person, just face time.

 

She felt extremely guilty for hurting me and i had to find out about the guy bc her intentions was "maybe if i talk to him I can see get these doubts out of my head and come back to you." I completely understand where shes is coming from because im her first boyfriend, finance, and everything. She never experienced dating and I can see how she can be curious about getting attention from someone else.

 

When I found out about all this, which was a month ago, I literally could not sleep or eat for days. Past month has been the most difficult month of my life, everyday feels like im in a dark jail cell. We talked maybe 3 times in past month, every time we talked it was positive and finally talked about our issues. Every time we talk, i feel hopeful that she will come back once she spends time alone (or talking to the guy) and figures things out. I know I look pathetic waiting around for her to "figure things out," btw she has no definite time line. But I love her so much im willing to sacrifice and give her time. Ive been going NO CONTACT for past week, she texted me "I missed u ive been thinking about u all day." But I didnt respond as hard as it was, Im trying to stay strong w/ NO CONTACT.

 

From reading some of the forums, only way you chance of reconciliation is to stick w/ no contact. Ive been going strong for a week no responding to 3 of her texts. But not sure I can go much longer..I miss her dearly. I have no ill feelings toward her about going behind my back and talking to this guy. I sincerely believe she did it to help her make a decision if she really wants to go through w/ the engagement. Also I know she has abandonment issues bc her father left out of her life when she was young, so the thought of marriage terrifies her. Anyways Im thinking of calling her tomorrow night and just talk...not pressing or begging her to come back. Although ive been an emotional wreck past month, generally im pretty level headed. I know the rules of no contact but every situation is different .....NO???

[llleonidus]

It sure does sound like it gigs to me.

 

Let me tell you no contact is the most powerful tool you have right now.

 

By no responding you have gained some control back and i can guarantee you it has her thinking.

 

You will heal 100 times faster by sticking to it and it will will also serve to make her miss you but you healing is the most important thing for you right now.

 

Waiting around for her to contact you sucks right? i'm going through the same thing, so far ive ignored 2 texts from her.

 

If she wants you back she won't let a few ignored messages stop her and give up, she will move heaven and earth to let you know.

 

Give her time to figure her self out, nothing to can do will make her come around quicker.

 

YOU NEED TO DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH, NO SOCIAL MEDIA.

 

She will let you know when she is ready to talk until she makes that very clear ignore the breadcrumbs. they only serve to let her know you are waiting around for her.

 

Heard the saying if you chase something it will run? It's hard but you need to give her time.

 

YOU CAN DO IT BROTHER.

[Namja78]

Waiting around is the worst part...I kinda wish I knew YES or definite NO. Thought of losing her terrifies me.

 

Im not worried bout her figuring things out but more this guys who is a creep trying to creep into her heart.

 

how long have you guys been on NC?

 

I wanted to post bc not sure how much longer I can go???

[BC1980]

This is not going to end well for you. Trust me, you don't want someone like this in your life in the long run. You will never trust her again. It's not right to put you on hold until she figures herself out. How long will that take? You need to tell her that you don't agree to any break and that the engagement is off. Otherwise, she will string you along indefinitely.

[Namja78]

I sincerely believe she is giving it a good consideration. She did email me, "once I decide im gonna marry you next year." I mean so many issues, GIGS, Abandonment issues, fear of marriage. Shouldnt I give her some time to figure it out..for she is really giving it consideration? bc if she was done completely, just know her I dont think she would do such a hurtful thing to me..to just string me along. I sincerely believe she is confuse.....

[llleonidus]

I last spoke to her in person was on the 28th of dec.

 

She broke up with me after a short relationship but still sucked ass.

 

She has contacted me on new years eve and again last wednesday as well as snap chats etc, which i have not opened or responded to.

 

As for that guy, there is nothing you can do, except grow some balls get mad (really f**king mad) and realize you're to good to be treated like this.

 

It's not a alpha male thing to do, wait and around and she who she wants, ARE YOU AN ALPHA MALE?

 

Easier said than done i know iv'e been there my self a few times.

 

As long as she knows you're hurting and waiting around for her she's not going to be in any hurry and will probably wait to see if things pan out with this dude, all the while knowing you the back up guy is there.

 

She can play the whole 'figuring things out' card all she want's, but it at your expense.

 

One thing im sure about is you might not feel like it now but before long you'll think what the hell am i doing and you'll tell her to f**k off. every one has a breaking point.

 

In the mean time continue posting here, it sure helps.

[Namja78]

thank you for your responses. I just recently stumbled onto this site...so informative and so many people going through similar situations.

 

OH ok I read your post on the new years eve text, and girl and mother deal.

sounds like your staying stronger than me.

 

Like I said above, knowing her..i know she is giving it good consideration, I know she is 50/50 torn about it. I dont think she would just have me hanging around..she is too nice of a girl.

 

IS no contact the only way? is every situation different?

[Namja78]

ohhh man Im an idiot!!!! I texted her..through chat app, where u can see if person saw the message. She saw the message but didnt respond. Wow.

 

im a fool! loser!!

[Satu]

ohhh man Im an idiot!!!! I texted her..through chat app, where u can see if person saw the message. She saw the message but didnt respond. Wow.

 

im a fool! loser!!

 

You're not a fool or a loser, but you weren't acting in your own best interests.

 

Reality check:

 

Its over between you and her and you will never get married.

 

She has you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with the other guy.

 

Never allow yourself to be somebody's Plan B.

[Itspointless]

fiance of 1 yrs [...] doubts about marriage and engagement [...] for awhile 6+ months [...] Both of us are non confrontational [...] She is 27 yrs old and started a new career in another city, been doing long distance for 4 months [...] and im afraid she got the GIGS (Grass is greener syndrome). She came clean and told me she is "talking" to another guy [...] im her first boyfriend, finance, and everything. [...] Im trying to stay strong w/ NO CONTACT [...] Also I know she has abandonment issues bc her father left out of her life when she was young, so the thought of marriage terrifies her.

What can I say, woman around the age of 27 are often talked about on this forum as they often fly away, especially when having experienced everything with their first.

 

But than you wrote about her abandonment issues. So I get she already is a bit avoidant and when you get engaged, she started doubting the whole thing. Than she suddenly moves away (takes distance) because of a career opportunity (really?) and starts talking to another dude. So I have some doubts about the GIGS thing. It does sound to me like abandoning you before you can abandon her. Also no contact here probably is a bit paradoxical as if you talk to her it probably only pushes her away with wanting her back, while not talking only confirms her suspicions that you indeed abandoned her. You should do NC for yourself though.

 

You talked with her and you both talked about your issues, I have a bit trouble placing that. Unless she said something along the lines 'I have these problems and need to do this alone, I have to find the solution and than we can see.'

 

Perhaps you recognize some things in this thread by GreenPolicy: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/253770-my-fiancee-left-me-out-blue

[Namja78]

hi itspointless,

 

she didnt suddenly move away, she had obligation to move to new city. Not by choice but bc of the line of work she is in.

 

yes paradoxical....bc every time we talked x 3 times in past month, conversation looked on bright side and gave so much more understanding of another. For we didnt reveal our deep issues. After we talked 2nd time she said, "this is first time i felt like you would not cheat on me." which is ridiculous bc i never ever gave her any doubts that i would cheat on her. 3rd time we talked she texted me "I been thinking bout u all day, I miss you." But i decided to listen to the forums and stick w/ no contact. Thats why im torn....maybe no contact is not for certain situations?

[Namja78]

"Unless she said something along the lines 'I have these problems and need to do this alone, I have to find the solution and than we can see."

 

that is pretty much what she said, and i want to respect her time..just so difficult.

[Satu]

Waiting around is the worst part...I kinda wish I knew YES or definite NO. Thought of losing her terrifies me.

 

Im not worried bout her figuring things out but more this guys who is a creep trying to creep into her heart.

 

how long have you guys been on NC?

 

I wanted to post bc not sure how much longer I can go???

 

Read this and consider whether it fits your situation or not.

 

It could be that her limerent timer just tripped.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you can justify her sudden withdrawl any way you want. Abandonment, GIGS, etc, etc.

 

It doesn't change the bottom line: she's choosing to explore different guys.

 

This would be all I needed to know that she isn't the one.

[Itspointless]

hi itspointless,

 

she didnt suddenly move away, she had obligation to move to new city. Not by choice but bc of the line of work she is in.

OK, I understand. Still would be interesting to think how she took that move.

"Unless she said something along the lines 'I have these problems and need to do this alone, I have to find the solution and than we can see."

 

that is pretty much what she said, and i want to respect her time..just so difficult.

That are elements in that sentence someone with dismissive-avoidance would say. This video made by a psychotherapist is brilliant, it helped me accept and place some things that were said to me:

[Namja78]

wow I think you hit it on the head. She def has "dismissive-avoidance," behaviors.

 

Even when she talks about her dad her and her mom laughs about it..but I know they have some deep rooted pain that both of them have not fully resolved. She told me when she had these feelings of doubt she was hoping it just goes away and that she didnt want to tell me bc she didnt want me to get upset and leave.

 

what should I do? her wanting time alone is dismissive-avoidance..try to throw it under the rug so she dont have deal w/ it?

[Satu]

what should I do? her wanting time alone is dismissive-avoidance..try to throw it under the rug so she dont have deal w/ it?

 

You should make your own wellbeing your sole focus.

 

That's what she's doing, thinking about her own wellbeing.

 

At the moment she's thinking about herself, and you're thinking about her too.

 

Who is thinking about you?

[Namja78]

You should make your own wellbeing your sole focus.

 

That's what she's doing, thinking about her own wellbeing.

 

At the moment she's thinking about herself, and you're thinking about her too.

 

Who is thinking about you?

 

sigh ....i see your point. just heartbreaking bc like i said we never got to talk about our issues or even get a chance to work them out. Our first dump in our relationship and ITS OVER? !!! completely not fair..

[Satu]

sigh ....i see your point. just heartbreaking bc like i said we never got to talk about our issues or even get a chance to work them out. Our first dump in our relationship and ITS OVER? !!! completely not fair..

 

You're right, it's not fair.

 

The best think you can do is to apply strict No Contact as if your life depends on it.

 

It's hard, but it works if it's done properly.

 

Whilst completely excluding her from your thinking for a moment, ask yourself this question:

 

"What do I need right now?"

[hurts2death]

as long as you dont respect no contact the hole your in will suck you even deeper.i v been there. i respected nc. i got clean and my gigs ex begging kinda through every possible communication way 2 years later. emai.chat.text.call. lol.

 

just respect the nc

[BC1980]

The sad thing is that these breaks "to think about it" are usually an exit strategy. People use them to try out the single life before totally jumping. It's really cruel IMO. I had the same thing happen to me. LTR and guy wanted to split but still wanted time to think about it. Strung me along while he was "confused." He ended up getting engaged to a woman he worked with 5 months after we stopped talking. You do the math on that one.

 

I hate to say the exact same thing is happening to you, and my heart truly goes out to you. It's an awful thing to go through, but you must go NC and be done with this. I can guarantee she will not pick you, for lack of a better term.

[Itspointless]

wow I think you hit it on the head. She def has "dismissive-avoidance," behaviors.

 

Even when she talks about her dad her and her mom laughs about it..but I know they have some deep rooted pain that both of them have not fully resolved. She told me when she had these feelings of doubt she was hoping it just goes away and that she didnt want to tell me bc she didnt want me to get upset and leave.

 

what should I do? her wanting time alone is dismissive-avoidance..try to throw it under the rug so she dont have deal w/ it?

I am sorry that it speaks to you. I always hope that I am wrong when I suggest it. If she is like described in that video there is little you can do. We can't change people who clearly show these traits, or if lucky you might get a relation with a push-pull dynamic. That means you have to give her the control and accept that you sometimes will be abandoned for periods of time guessing what will happen next. In other words, emotionally you will be alone. Usually these people do not want to search for help and if they do it might take years or be stopped after a short time. But given the fact she already distanced I think she already is moving on suppressing her feelings as they scare her. Nothing you say will change that. That is the picture if she indeed is dismissive-avoidant and clearly showing the signs in that quadrant.

 

So you ideally should do no contact for you and try to move on.

[No Limit]

She's cheated/cheating and is trying to see if she can land a better catch than you.

If you hope to someday be married to someone who loves you, you'll dumb her before she ever gets to call you or messages you "ok done we can marry now". She's halfway out the door already.

[Satu]

She needs time to think about which of the men she is interested in will be the one she decides to chase.

 

She's gone.

 

Poof.