Why would she say this ?

[Jord11]

I've been good friends with this girl waiting to see what happens she has a daughter so I like to help her out she got new couches so I helped her load the old ones in my truck I try to help her out anyway, Wednesday she told me she thinks I'm there because I don't want to be alone it hurt me when she said that because all the things I did to help her and she says that why would she say something so rude I don't mind being alone at my place all the nice things I've done for her and she tells me that

[Chi townD]

Probably low self esteem on her part. She probably thinks that there's a big stigma about dating women that have a kid already and guys don't want a pre-made family or a girl with baggage. So, there's got to be SOME reason you're sticking around.

 

 

So, it was a stupid off the cuff comment to protect herself and her kid. She doesn't want her kid to get attached to you and then have you dip out of their lives.

[Jord11]

Probably low self esteem on her part. She probably thinks that there's a big stigma about dating women that have a kid already and guys don't want a pre-made family or a girl with baggage. So, there's got to be SOME reason you're sticking around.

 

 

So, it was a stupid off the cuff comment to protect herself and her kid. She doesn't want her kid to get attached to you and then have you dip out of their lives.

 

I totally agree with you but to say something like that after all I did that doesn't make me want to go over and see her I've took it to heart and I've barely talked to her since it sucks but a comment like that it's just not something you say

[Jord11]

What the hell do I do now

[umirano]

Play it cool. In a quiet moment let her know how her comment made you feel, and that you'd appreciate it if she'd not jump to assumptions about your motives. Good things do happen, she just needs to accept them.

 

If she keeps questioning your motive there isn't much you can do to fix her self esteem problem or whatever else the cause may be. Don't feel bad about moving on. You're looking for a partner, not a patient.

[Ronni_W]

From how you expressed it in your original post, it DOES sound like you are there because you don't want to be alone, Jord.

Maybe she was asking you to look at why you are there? Maybe she was asking you to look within yourself to find out REALLY why are you there? Deeper than just, "oh, I'm so nice and I like helping her out."

 

On the other side, if you truly don't mind being alone at your place, then just stay there. And, if you cannot comfortably do that, or the thought of actually doing that brings up all sorts of 'weird' thoughts and feelings...then she STILL was on to something that is going on deeper within you, yes?

[Jord11]

From how you expressed it in your original post, it DOES sound like you are there because you don't want to be alone, Jord.

Maybe she was asking you to look at why you are there? Maybe she was asking you to look within yourself to find out REALLY why are you there? Deeper than just, "oh, I'm so nice and I like helping her out."

 

On the other side, if you truly don't mind being alone at your place, then just stay there. And, if you cannot comfortably do that, or the thought of actually doing that brings up all sorts of 'weird' thoughts and feelings...then she STILL was on to something that is going on deeper within you, yes?

 

I'm there because I care for both of them and want to help out and make things easier for her and I have but that comment was not needed you know how ****ty that made me feel that she would even think that or tell me

[Ronni_W]

I'm there because I care for both of them and want to help out and make things easier for her and I have but that comment was not needed you know how ****ty that made me feel that she would even think that or tell me

Yes...I get that. But, I think...maybe her point was that you've somehow made it your "mission" to make things easier for her. And, maybe, she doesn't want to be the beneficiary of that. Maybe, even, she would like you to be around for different reasons.

 

Best, really, is to just ask her if she was trying to tell you something "deeper" or was asking you to look at something "deeper". You could make it humorous...along the lines of, "You know, mostly I'm dense about such matters...but...what was it you were REALLY trying to convey when you said 'blah-blah-blah'?"

 

It doesn't really feel like she was trying to be "rude" or "hurtful" -- but you will, of course, know better than any of us if that is part of her nature. I think it did hurt you...but only because of some little bit of underlying 'truth of it' that...well, that is kinda not so "pretty" to have to look at.

BUT that is just my take. Please ignore and reject it, if it doesn't work or doesn't at all match with your own actual real life. I totally can be WAY off base. I've got only words on a screen, to go by.

[Jord11]

Yes...I get that. But, I think...maybe her point was that you've somehow made it your "mission" to make things easier for her. And, maybe, she doesn't want to be the beneficiary of that. Maybe, even, she would like you to be around for different reasons.

 

Best, really, is to just ask her if she was trying to tell you something "deeper" or was asking you to look at something "deeper". You could make it humorous...along the lines of, "You know, mostly I'm dense about such matters...but...what was it you were REALLY trying to convey when you said 'blah-blah-blah'?"

 

It doesn't really feel like she was trying to be "rude" or "hurtful" -- but you will, of course, know better than any of us if that is part of her nature. I think it did hurt you...but only because of some little bit of underlying 'truth of it' that...well, that is kinda not so "pretty" to have to look at.

BUT that is just my take. Please ignore and reject it, if it doesn't work or doesn't at all match with your own actual real life. I totally can be WAY off base. I've got only words on a screen, to go by.

 

I know I understand I don't even know what it really means if there is anything deeper I'm confused about it, I'm not asking her to hang out she has to ask me if she didn't then we don't hang out I'm not going to ask when she already said that to me right ?

[Light Breeze]

L

I've been good friends with this girl waiting to see what happens she has a daughter so I like to help her out she got new couches so I helped her load the old ones in my truck I try to help her out anyway, Wednesday she told me she thinks I'm there because I don't want to be alone it hurt me when she said that because all the things I did to help her and she says that why would she say something so rude I don't mind being alone at my place all the nice things I've done for her and she tells me that

 

Women don't like White Knights. I say give her space, and just be with her/them for fun and dates. The more you help her the more she feels smothered because she'll be thinking your doing that for a price and she needs to reciprocate, in this case her companionship.

[Ronni_W]

I'm not going to ask when she already said that to me right ?

That's up to you, of course. You said that it was "rude" of her...so I'm taking from that, that you believe she was being deliberately rude...and maybe also was trying to be deliberately hurtful(?) -- don't know, guessing based on what/how you're expressing here.

 

So, if that's how you feel, then you'd be less likely to want to ask her about it.

But, if you feel that perhaps just maybe YOU are reading to much into it and/or misinterpreting it, and you want to know HER truth about it, then why would you not ask her about her actual intentions and message?

 

It depends on the interpretation that you are going to choose, is the bottom line.

[Jord11]

That's up to you, of course. You said that it was "rude" of her...so I'm taking from that, that you believe she was being deliberately rude...and maybe also was trying to be deliberately hurtful(?) -- don't know, guessing based on what/how you're expressing here.

 

So, if that's how you feel, then you'd be less likely to want to ask her about it.

But, if you feel that perhaps just maybe YOU are reading to much into it and/or misinterpreting it, and you want to know HER truth about it, then why would you not ask her about her actual intentions and message?

 

It depends on the interpretation that you are going to choose, is the bottom line.

 

I talked to her about it last night she told me she was just stressed and confused but that's no excuse to say something like that too me

[Ronni_W]

I talked to her about it last night she told me she was just stressed and confused but that's no excuse to say something like that too me

Fair enough, and keeping in mind that what you get is also dependent on your own approach/attitude, Jord.

For example. If, yesterday, you went in with an open heart and mind, and just asked in a neutral tone, "What did you really mean?"...then you can take what you got back as being more towards her honest and open response, and what was really going on for her last week.

 

If that's how it was, then you get to decide if you still want to be this close with someone who gets rude and hurtful when she is "stressed and confused". If you choose that for yourself, then don't be too surprised the next time she does that to you...build your expectations on what you already know about her, not on how you'd like her to be. Is really my only caution or "counsel"...whatever we want to call what I'm doing here

[Jord11]

Fair enough, and keeping in mind that what you get is also dependent on your own approach/attitude, Jord.

For example. If, yesterday, you went in with an open heart and mind, and just asked in a neutral tone, "What did you really mean?"...then you can take what you got back as being more towards her honest and open response, and what was really going on for her last week.

 

If that's how it was, then you get to decide if you still want to be this close with someone who gets rude and hurtful when she is "stressed and confused". If you choose that for yourself, then don't be too surprised the next time she does that to you...build your expectations on what you already know about her, not on how you'd like her to be. Is really my only caution or "counsel"...whatever we want to call what I'm doing here

 

Absolutely was that just a thing to get rid of me ? Who knows but I'm not going to try my best for it if she's just going to be like that

[Jord11]

Absolutely was that just a thing to get rid of me ? Who knows but I'm not going to try my best for it if she's just going to be like that

 

For what I've done to help her out there is no reason I should be told that

[Ronni_W]

For what I've done to help her out there is no reason I should be told that

You're making the one thing dependent on the other thing. But it is not that way, in reality -- she gets to tell you whatever she wants, if you do nothing for her, or if you do everything for her.

 

I know that you've connected them in your mind...but...

[Jord11]

Fair enough, and keeping in mind that what you get is also dependent on your own approach/attitude, Jord.

For example. If, yesterday, you went in with an open heart and mind, and just asked in a neutral tone, "What did you really mean?"...then you can take what you got back as being more towards her honest and open response, and what was really going on for her last week.

 

If that's how it was, then you get to decide if you still want to be this close with someone who gets rude and hurtful when she is "stressed and confused". If you choose that for yourself, then don't be too surprised the next time she does that to you...build your expectations on what you already know about her, not on how you'd like her to be. Is really my only caution or "counsel"...whatever we want to call what I'm doing here

 

Should I just leave everything and walk away I want her to appreciate my help her saying that I don't think she appreciates ****

[Ronni_W]

Should I just leave everything and walk away I want her to appreciate my help her saying that I don't think she appreciates ****

See my post above your this one (#16 in the thread, I think). What you want is NOT connected to what she gets to choose and decide to do.

 

If you do stuff just for, or ALSO for, the recognition of it...then THAT is exactly what she was asking you to look at (from where I'm sitting, over here.)

 

Is it for the recognition and appreciation OR so that you can help? They are, at the end of the day, different motivations.

[NopeNah]

Should I just leave everything and walk away I want her to appreciate my help her saying that I don't think she appreciates ****

I'm curious actually as to what you'd be leaving? Are you in an intimate relationship with her? Her asking that question,to me, sounds like she's wondering why you make so much time for her,while she has no romantic interest in you.