What do I do...?

[inzithespikey]

Alright, so this is a loooong story. I'll try to keep it brief and to the point though, and I'm sure some details will be lost along the way, but it won't matter too much. If you have any questions I'll answer them.

 

So I started dating this girl 2 years ago, we met through mutual friends, I thought she was very pretty and super goofy just like me. I pursued her through Facebook after we had a few mutual friend hangouts and got her number and the rest is history. We started dating, things were awesome, we hung out all the time got along great, met the family. Then... a few months in I take her virginity and that's when it all started to spiral downward. Now mind you she was always a bit clingy from the start, but after I took her virginity she went into overdrive psycho mode. Call me 15 times if I didn't pick up, get angry if I didn't respond to text messages in 5 minutes, that type of stuff. She would want to hang out every day and I tried to explain to her we were both young and had to have time to focus on ourselves and our hobbies as well as be in a relationship. She just figured "If you truely loved the person you'd want to spend all your time with them" and threw that in my face. I tried to be patient with her during all this, but have had many nights of frustrations and have said things I really regret and wish I could take back. Anyway, the sex was pretty bad on top of this, I could never really get her to enjoy it, and I'm not sure if there was some sort of physical incompatibility(i'm above average in length and girth, shes very, very skinny) or if I was going about it the wrong way, probably the later. But still, I hung on because I loved this girl.*

 

She broke up with me about a year in because she thought I lied to her about going out(truth is I just didn't tell her I went out..) but immediately recanted the day after. I told her we should just take a break for a week and see how things lie. Which upset her of course and I pretty much took her back a couple days later, but felt annoyed. But you can pretty much see the pattern, the whole push and pull act that's going on. Anyway things calm down for a bit, and I take her up to Myrtle Beach for our 1year anniversary to visit my sister for the weekend and stay in a nice Condo. She seemed upset that we were spending time with my Sister on our Anniversary weekend and at the time I was just like "what's the problem? My sister is super cool!" and was kinda a jerk and being dismissive about it.*

 

After the weekend she came back to me and told me how she didn't think it was fair to share our anniversary with my Sister and at this point I just said " it, you're being crazy" and I broke up with her... that was my first huuuuuge mistake in the relationship. We were broken up for like two months but still talked everyday and hung out, I never slept with any other girls and still considered myself unavailable. But we just kinda eased our way back into things, but I still took her for granted and I wasnt able to get that "reset" I was looking for to just kinda start with a clean slate. We continue to date for another 5 months and things just kinda slowly spiraled down. I think the second HUGE mistake was when she was out drunk with her friends she was flirting with me in text telling me how she was gonna send me sexy pics and come over to my house and wake me up with a BJ. I told her "I'd believe it when I see it", and she comes over.... doesn't wake me up with a BJ and at this point it had been like 6 months since we had sex, so I kinda flipped out. That's when she told me she decided it was over. She broke up with me not long after that, and I'm starting to realize my mistakes and how much I actually care about this person. My friends think I'm crazy, but to me it's the chemistry we had, the rest can be worked on and fixed.*

 

I spend 4 months pining away for this woman, I told her I wanted to Marry her, I apologized for my mistakes. We remain in constant day-to-day contact via text messages to this day. I never did the NC thing, although in retrospect that probably would have won her back. I lost 20 pounds and get 4 hours asleep at night, I still turned down woman because I simply wasn't even interested. I have never been so hung up and I convinced myself it was because I was truely in love. We meet up occassionally, I took her on a date and she said she wanted to "take things slow for awhile" but always recanted a week later. I gave her 3 opportunities to get back with me and she always told me she needed more time to think, so I continued to wait. After 4 months she "accidently" sends me a bunch of text messages on a night we were supposed to meet up to "hang out and have a few beers" that basically detailed that I needed to stop texting her all the time and that her new boyfriend was going to kill her if she kept responding and that it was destroying their relationship. Now first, lemme say that SHE texted me first most of the time, and that she was wanting to talk to me. So I figure this was a legit accident, and that she just BS's to her friends to save face.

 

She felt terrible about it and begged me to let her call after work, so I said... okay. She calls and before she really can get out a word, I just say "Hey listen, I've just started talking to someone too, you break things off with your boy i'll break things off with my girl and we can work on us" She says give her til monday, so I give her til monday.... and it's a no go. That was this monday, however just Wednesday she found out I went on a date on a place I took her for her boyfriend and she flipped out. She was hanging out with a mutual friend of ours at the time and he was laying down the hammer on her (from no influence from me mind you), telling her she needed to stop talking to me yada yada.*

 

We start getting into it via text messages, she accused me of moving on so fast, and I was like... you've been dating a guy for like a month now and I've been on one date... Obviously just showing signs of jealousy now that I'm not on the sidelines waiting around anymore. She said I was gonna be in love and on the track towards marriage and I was just like... I've been on one date... lol. Anyway she calls me up after, tells me I need to stop talking to my friends about everything going on because she's being painted as the bad guy. I told her I didn't paint her out as a bad guy and that it's unfair for her to expect me not to talk to my friend about what's going on in my life. We kinda went through the emotions, and she broke down and said that this wasn't fair for us or the people we were seeing. She described how she wasn't really invested in her new relationship and that she just has this connection with me that she had a lot of trouble describing to her mom. But at the same time her new boyfriend treats her very good and wants to hang out a lot. I asked if she wanted my fair unbiased advice, and she paused and said sure. I told her that you can find someone that treats you perfect and does everything you could ever want, but if you didn't have that connection there'd be something missing. I told her that the rest can be worked on, over time, it can all be fixed, but you can't force yourself to have a connection with anyone. She told me it was something to sleep on and I told her there was pretty much three options we could go with and I was okay with either one of them (Friends, Work on us, or NC). Anyway, we texted ALL day yesterday and it got me in a good mood. But I made the mistake of drinking and told her I loved her so much it hurt and she just said "no no no no don't hurt" and I was like gun against my head.

 

Anyway we are supposed to meet up next week.. to talk about things for the billionth time. How should I handle this and what are my chances?

[seminoles84]

How old are you guys?

[inzithespikey]

I'm 24 she's 22

[Ieris]

You're both still young, date around and live a little to figure out what you really want in a person. What you want in your 20s and 30s may completely change, so don't go rushing in declaring she's the one because it's going to hit you like a train if things come crashing down in the future.

 

Someone who calls 15 times and goes off on one if you don't respond in 5 minute just sounds crazy, insecure and obsessive. I went out to buy some milk one time, leaving my phone at home to charge and when I got in I got 49 missed calls!! He thought I died or something, some people are just insane. Imagine having to deal with that everyday... Not cool!

[dyna85]

This sounds like a freakin' soap opera, lol. It sounds like the reverse of what happened earlier in the relationship is now coming to pass. Like, she was all in and you were half out and now it's gone the other way. It seems like she's non committal at this point, but then again, you were in the beginning at times.

 

You may just be incompatible, given the constant drama in the relationship, in which case love may not be enough. Sometimes love is not enough, despite the best of our efforts. If it's torturous being with the person and causing you constant distress, is it worth it? Even if you care so much. Is it really worth it? Only you can decide.

 

I know my first relationship (in college) was very much on and off. Yet, we cared so much for each other and had a very deep connection. That's probably why we fought so hard to make it work. Yet, it was my first lesson in love not being enough. When we parted, though it was one of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life, it was truly for the best.

 

My brother and his wife have been together for several years and are so drama free it's not funny. When I asked him how long they've ever spent apart and/or not talking, his response was 'not that long' and 'we don't really fight that much.' I think there's something to be said for stability when it comes to relationships. And my brother does consider his wife to be his soul mate, so there's obviously the connection, but they are also clearly compatible in many respects.

 

I know finding that special connection is so rare, and when you come across it you cling to it for dear life. However, if it's causing you loads of pain, sometimes it's best to let it go, so as to open yourself to the possibility of a strong connection and compatibility.

 

There are after all, millions of people out there. As hard as it is to fathom right now in your current state, I bet there is at least one other woman who you will love and the whole dynamic will not feel like torture and be laden with intense drama.

 

Just my thoughts.

Edited January 10, 2015 by dyna85