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Before The Heartbreaker...I was The Heartbreaker


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As many of us are currently doing, I am introspecting and having a bit of a mental and spiritual cleanse/re-ordering.

 

I got to thinking today about the end of my previous relationship to the guy I am currently getting over, and I thought I would share because it has actually given me some comfort about my current situation. I hope it does the same.

 

Prior to my ex, I was in a relationship for 7 years. This guy was not a good match for me. He wasn't very good at making an effort, he was moody, thought the world owed him something. He was lazy and churlish. When we met, all of my friends were in serious relationships and I think it just kind of dawdled along with me telling myself that no relationship was perfect and that I wasn't miserable, I just wasn't particularly fulfilled. I should also mention that we very rarely had sex, and I don't think we went further than a friendly kiss (no tongue) for the last 3 years.

 

I had known I should end it for at least 2 years. But we were living together and despite his flaws, I cared deeply about him. I was worried about how he would cope if I ended it. So I muddled on until one day this February, following a trip with my family, I realised I was 30 and if I wanted a chance to find my great love, I needed to go and what would be would be. I couldn't sacrifice my dreams because I was afraid to make a man cry.

 

Once I made the firm decision, I was gone within 24 hours. My stuff was out of the flat. Unfriended on all social media. All addresses on paperwork changed. I was a machine!!! The only time I answered calls from him was on the night I left. After that, I didn't respond to any texts or emails from him again.

 

Which kinda sounds familiar to everyone, right? he was probably thinking how it had all gone so horribly wrong and how could I be such a heartless bitch after we had been together so long and shared happy times. Something each of us in turn can admit to saying on these forums in recent times about our exes.

 

Well, some things that I was feeling as the dumper in that situation:

- I feigned being OK when we were together because what else can you do when you have tried to say you aren't happy but the other person wasn't listening? If you choose to stay for whatever reason, you don't want to run that person into the floor all the time, it's not fair

- I left quickly because I felt it was the fairest thing for both of us. Having my stuff hanging around would have been devastating for him

- I didn't respond to anything he sent because there was nothing I could say that would offer him comfort, and I didn't want to torture him by giving false hope. I had made my choice and I was happy with it. I had begun my moving on process way before I actually left

 

I then got to thinking about how he perceived this and then related it to my situation:

- He was happy enough, he loved me. But he failed to see just how much the things he did that upset or annoyed me impacted our relationship and me. I had tried and failed to get him to see that avoiding my family at all costs was a major issue. He just shouted about how it made him feel and in the end it was too contentious to discuss.

- In short, because he was happy with his lot, he assumed I must be equally happy too

 

 

So it's made me realise, for my current situation, that actually I need to remember how free I felt when I left my 7 year ex. Not because I didn't care about him. But because I had done the best thing for both of us - no relationship can work if one partner is unhappy. I know it was devastating for him, and I am not proud to have hurt someone I cared about. So for my current ex, I hope he feels the same freedom that I did. Because I care about him, so tonight I am in a place where I wish him happiness even if it no longer includes me. Think of it as the last gift I could give him. Yes, I would have loved him to stay, but that would have been selfish. It would have been for my benefit, not for his, not for ours. How can I say I love someone if I want to trap them in a life of unhappiness? I am disappointed for myself, but I feel a greater ability to let go of "us" because I would rather he be happy. I know I will be again too.

 

I think we all sit there and accuse our exes for being ungrateful for the way we loved them. But if we sit back can we honestly say we took enough time to be ourselves, not dependent on the other one, and also to make sure we were compassionate and listening to our other halves properly? I ask this not to encourage anyone to beat themselves up about what they might have done wrong, but instead to encourage reflection on what we might have missed so that we can learn from it and bring our best into the future.

 

When all is said and done, I never hated my 7 year ex. I didn't wish him badly and I genuinely wanted him to find happiness again. I cut him off because it was the kindest thing for him. So if you are questioning why your ex is not responding to you, maybe it is because they respected you and cared enough not to hurt you any more than they had to. Take peace in that and go find your new happy.

 

Philosophical rambling done. I look forward to hearing people's thoughts and views on this.

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towardthefuture

Is there anything your 7 year ex could've done to win you back, or did you experience any desire to go back afterward? Now that you're alone do you wonder if he has changed?

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That all is correct... if you are talking about normal people. If you believe that your ex is a sociopath... he just doesn't give a flying f@ck about any of that. Wish him happiness, unhappiness, prosperous life, death, anything in between. He doesn't care. It was never about you for him. It was aaaaaallllll about his grandiose self which will never ever be happy no matter what. That's the nature of the beast... pun intended.

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After 7 years I think you could have picked up the phone a few times, or answered a couple emails.

 

Yes yes.. I agree.. you probably better off being single, both of you, but 7 years isn't 7 months; breaking up was the right thing to do if you were unhappy, but I don't see it as kind to just totally cut him off.

 

I really think a couple words of comfort wouldn't have screwed with your agenda that much.

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At least you answered his calls that night. I was left with no explanation at all, just questions that left me thinking about things she said during the relationship that is playing over and over in my head. Things like you better not disappear(oh the irony), others like "just a warning, my mom may try to break us up, because shes done that in the past." When asked this question no response. I would have accepted the break if she didn't cut me out so coldly. I wasn't even worth five minutes of her time when I asked for it and the way she said it.

 

It was aaaaaallllll about his grandiose self which will never ever be happy no matter what.

 

Exactly, was always complaining about everything her mom, how life has treated her, how she wants to just start over, her living situation, her job, blah blah blah. I am seething with hatred for her.

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Is there anything your 7 year ex could've done to win you back, or did you experience any desire to go back afterward? Now that you're alone do you wonder if he has changed?

 

No I didn't. I had been wondering about our future for a number of years before leaving and I had tried everything I could to get him to see what was making me unhappy, and a chance to work with me to change things and improve our relationship. Eventually I reached my limit, I had fallen out of love with him and I felt I had tried to give us both every opportunity we could to make it right. He wasn't listening, no matter what I tried and how I tried it, so that was that.

 

That all is correct... if you are talking about normal people. If you believe that your ex is a sociopath... he just doesn't give a flying f@ck about any of that. Wish him happiness, unhappiness, prosperous life, death, anything in between. He doesn't care. It was never about you for him. It was aaaaaallllll about his grandiose self which will never ever be happy no matter what. That's the nature of the beast... pun intended.

 

Aaaah but see now, he is never going to know that I wish him happiness. It is better for MY well being that I let go of my resentment and disappointment, so who's laughing now :p Chances are he will never truly be happy anyway, but me wishing him misery won't actually change my situation in any way. It's weird, I hope I've explained it properly, and you're right that he probably feels as much as my kettle does boiling water. But for my own sense of being the better person, this has helped me.

 

After 7 years I think you could have picked up the phone a few times, or answered a couple emails.

 

Yes yes.. I agree.. you probably better off being single, both of you, but 7 years isn't 7 months; breaking up was the right thing to do if you were unhappy, but I don't see it as kind to just totally cut him off.

 

I really think a couple words of comfort wouldn't have screwed with your agenda that much.

 

I really didn't have an agenda to be screwed with but I do see your point. I accept that maybe it seems cold and unkind. But also think of all the people on here who, after months NC, suddenly get a casual text or an email and start asking "what does it mean???". Bang, sent back a couple of months in their progress. Not for all, but for some.

My ex was quite a bitter person so I doubt he would have just wanted to chew the fat, nor would he have appreciated that I was trying to be kind. He would have seen it as me taking the mick out of his feelings. I was with the guy for 7 years, I knew how he operated :D Please believe that I really, really, really tried to make it work. Unfortunately a one-sided effort is not sustainable for anyone.

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There's a difference between a dumper picking up a phone call right after a break up, and a dumper sending a "bait text" after a few months. Just think it would have been more decent is all.

 

It's all done now. It's not fair to bend backward for someone who doesn't make any effort, and I do understand that you were not happy.

 

Good luck to you!

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Thank you Elle1975. I do see what you were saying and I appreciate your honest input. Good luck to you too :)

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This guy was not a good match for me. He wasn't very good at making an effort, he was moody, thought the world owed him something. He was lazy and churlish.

 

Oh dear lord... Have I seen this one before? Isn't it funny how women always seem to discover this after 5+ years? :rolleyes:

 

I just love how you try to rationalize your childish behavior by claiming that you didn't answer his calls because you didn't want to hurt him. Let me ask you this: Did you ever tell him that you would break-up with him unless you worked hard on the relationship?

 

There are usually three reasons why you don't answer the phone after a breakup:

 

1) The caller is very aggressive

2) You're doubting your decision and are afraid that hearing his voice will make things even harder - for you

3) You're feeling really guilty

 

Without knowing you, I'm 99% sure that your reasons where a combination of 2) and 3). Please let me know if I'm wrong.

 

He wasn't very good at making an effort you say. I wonder how much of an effort you made after you checked out of the relationship years earlier.

 

And dating someone new within a month is disrespectful and a generally a bad idea. You may think he was lazy, but think about all the time he wasted on you while you were preparing yourself to pull the trigger. And it's no surprise that the new relationship didn't work out (they almost never do).

 

Sorry if I seem upset. At least you waited three weeks. My partner of 6.5 years (big surprise!), did the transition much faster. She bought new clothes, lost weight, made me fix her computer/printer, help her with her thesis and made sure that my replacement wanted her before pulling the trigger.

 

She gave me pretty much the same reasons as you did. I was a terrible boyfriend and she had been planning this for a year. And she didn't want to second-guess her decisions by keep talking to me, so she instantly removed me from all social media. Well, I guess I should be thankful that she haven't sent me any breadcrumbs.

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Let me ask you this: Did you ever tell him that you would break-up with him unless you worked hard on the relationship?

 

That sure didn't happen with me. All she said was I"m unhappy with you. Bye.

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It sucks though when you have somone who gave it their all in the relationship, just to find out down the road they leave you for an ex.

 

In your case though you tried and tried for 7 damn years, while he just didn't get it. It was a good move cause you said your going to be 30 coming up, and that's the time when kids start to come out lol. Poor guy though if only he would have listened to his gf and noticed how you starting acting different. He could have avoided this, but it's for the best.

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Sorry if I seem upset. At least you waited three weeks. My partner of 6.5 years (big surprise!), did the transition much faster. She bought new clothes, lost weight, made me fix her computer/printer, help her with her thesis and made sure that my replacement wanted her before pulling the trigger.

 

Hmm... they sure know how to time it perfectly don't they! Cutting the cord once they hit dry land. I just had to laugh when I read that part of your post because it happened to a friend of mine... the girl took the TV and all the expensive items while he was out at work, stole his secret stash of cash, maxed out all his credit cards and just disappeared. He thought he was robbed when he got home...

 

That sure didn't happen with me. All she said was I'm unhappy with you. Bye.

 

Ouch! That is quite brutal.. >_<

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i don't know, OP. i am not convinced that your method of departure was in anyway for your ex's benefit. it was easiest for you. and you never contacted him not because you didn't want to lead him on. (after all, with time we all eventually get with the current state of our lives.) but because it would be messy for you after you had made your clean getaway.

 

the same with the ex who recently left you. no need to wish him the greatest happiness on earth for leaving you. just feel the feelings of grief actually connected with being dumped so you can eventually get over it.

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Once all the words have been said, there are no more words to be said.

Edited by Satu
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Once all the words have been said, there are no more words to be said.

 

but who decides when that is?

 

often times it is not that only that dumpers don't have much more to say, but that they don't want to listen. it is hard to pay attention when there is no interest. that is fair enough. but no need to spin it as heroic altruism.

 

i have been a dumper and a dumpee. i called off an engagement. but over time, i sent birthday wishes, asked about family members, etc. i would never treat an ex with less courtesy than one gives a neighbor or the cashier at neighborhood grocery. and then to narrate that as doing the ex a favor?!?!?

Edited by newlyborn
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but who decides when that is?

 

often times it is not that only that dumpers don't have much more to say, but that they don't want to listen. it is hard to pay attention when there is no interest. that is fair enough. but no need to spin it as heroic altruism.

 

i have been a dumper and a dumpee. i called off an engagement. but over time, i sent birthday wishes, asked about family members, etc. i would never treat an ex with less courtesy than one gives a neighbor or the cashier at neighborhood grocery. and then to narrate that as doing the ex a favor?!?!?

 

Each individual gets to choose when that is.

 

It's got nothing to do with altruism or the lack of it.

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Each individual gets to choose when that is.

 

It's got nothing to do with altruism or the lack of it.

 

yes, agreed. which is why i was questioning OP's casting her NC as altruistic -- i.e., on behalf of the dumpee and not simply what she preferred.

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Oh dear lord... Have I seen this one before? Isn't it funny how women always seem to discover this after 5+ years? :rolleyes:

 

I just love how you try to rationalize your childish behavior by claiming that you didn't answer his calls because you didn't want to hurt him. Let me ask you this: Did you ever tell him that you would break-up with him unless you worked hard on the relationship?

 

There are usually three reasons why you don't answer the phone after a breakup:

 

1) The caller is very aggressive

2) You're doubting your decision and are afraid that hearing his voice will make things even harder - for you

3) You're feeling really guilty

 

Without knowing you, I'm 99% sure that your reasons where a combination of 2) and 3). Please let me know if I'm wrong.

 

He wasn't very good at making an effort you say. I wonder how much of an effort you made after you checked out of the relationship years earlier.

 

And dating someone new within a month is disrespectful and a generally a bad idea. You may think he was lazy, but think about all the time he wasted on you while you were preparing yourself to pull the trigger. And it's no surprise that the new relationship didn't work out (they almost never do).

 

Sorry if I seem upset. At least you waited three weeks. My partner of 6.5 years (big surprise!), did the transition much faster. She bought new clothes, lost weight, made me fix her computer/printer, help her with her thesis and made sure that my replacement wanted her before pulling the trigger.

 

She gave me pretty much the same reasons as you did. I was a terrible boyfriend and she had been planning this for a year. And she didn't want to second-guess her decisions by keep talking to me, so she instantly removed me from all social media. Well, I guess I should be thankful that she haven't sent me any breadcrumbs.

 

Hi Kevin, no need to apologise for seeming upset, or for your take on this. It is a very emotive subject and everybody will respond differently. There were actually several times over the course of the relationship where I very frankly said "Baby I love you, but I'm really not happy with how things are between us. We both need to make some changes or I am not sure that I am going to be able to carry on like this". Several times. He accused me of "watching too many romance films", which I didn't by the way. I wasn't pinning all the blame on him, but eventually putting in all the effort, even on day to day things, became too much.

 

With regard to moving onto another relationship, I had no idea that was going to happen. I certainly did not have anyone else waiting in the wings. I met my most recent ex by chance, but until then my plan was to go it alone and just be me. Fate intervened and I rolled with it, but there was nothing planned about it. Yes, with hindsight, maybe I should have been more cautious or perhaps refused the opportunity. But it is what it is and it certainly was not done intentionally or to hurt anyone. I didn't put anything on social media or blare it from the rooftops either.

 

Hmm... they sure know how to time it perfectly don't they! Cutting the cord once they hit dry land. I just had to laugh when I read that part of your post because it happened to a friend of mine... the girl took the TV and all the expensive items while he was out at work, stole his secret stash of cash, maxed out all his credit cards and just disappeared. He thought he was robbed when he got home...

 

Yeah, I know it is brutal. But I didn't take anything that wasn't mine when I moved in, and anything we bought jointly including a very expensive bed/mattress, washer/dryer, and other items of furniture, I left. I had just bought a new Smart TV, which I would have been in my rights to take actually, but I didn't. I even left a load of my kitchen stuff (not cheap) so that he would still be able to cook and feed himself. I left all of the money in our joint account. I had no interest in screwing him over, I didn't hate him. I had just become exhausted being the only one trying.

 

i don't know, OP. i am not convinced that your method of departure was in anyway for your ex's benefit. it was easiest for you. and you never contacted him not because you didn't want to lead him on. (after all, with time we all eventually get with the current state of our lives.) but because it would be messy for you after you had made your clean getaway.

 

Actually, it was for his benefit. If I thought I could have sat down and explained how things were for me then I absolutely would have done it, so that he could have understood it and gotten proper closure. It would have been nicer to have parted after all that time on reasonable terms. But I had been trying to talk about it all for years already. He didn't want to listen then so it would not have been any different at the end. Plus he would have been feeling rejected anyway so how was me saying "you don't put effort in, you are downright rude to my family and I am too young to be with someone who never wants sex with me". That would have made him feel a whole lot better for sure. There is very rarely a good way to end a relationship. Sometimes its about making the best of a bad situation.

 

Once all the words have been said, there are no more words to be said.

 

So many words had been said. They weren't going to sound different at the end.

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towardthefuture
Hi Kevin, no need to apologise for seeming upset, or for your take on this. It is a very emotive subject and everybody will respond differently. There were actually several times over the course of the relationship where I very frankly said "Baby I love you, but I'm really not happy with how things are between us. We both need to make some changes or I am not sure that I am going to be able to carry on like this". Several times. He accused me of "watching too many romance films", which I didn't by the way. I wasn't pinning all the blame on him, but eventually putting in all the effort, even on day to day things, became too much.

 

With regard to moving onto another relationship, I had no idea that was going to happen. I certainly did not have anyone else waiting in the wings. I met my most recent ex by chance, but until then my plan was to go it alone and just be me. Fate intervened and I rolled with it, but there was nothing planned about it. Yes, with hindsight, maybe I should have been more cautious or perhaps refused the opportunity. But it is what it is and it certainly was not done intentionally or to hurt anyone. I didn't put anything on social media or blare it from the rooftops either.

 

 

 

Yeah, I know it is brutal. But I didn't take anything that wasn't mine when I moved in, and anything we bought jointly including a very expensive bed/mattress, washer/dryer, and other items of furniture, I left. I had just bought a new Smart TV, which I would have been in my rights to take actually, but I didn't. I even left a load of my kitchen stuff (not cheap) so that he would still be able to cook and feed himself. I left all of the money in our joint account. I had no interest in screwing him over, I didn't hate him. I had just become exhausted being the only one trying.

 

 

 

Actually, it was for his benefit. If I thought I could have sat down and explained how things were for me then I absolutely would have done it, so that he could have understood it and gotten proper closure. It would have been nicer to have parted after all that time on reasonable terms. But I had been trying to talk about it all for years already. He didn't want to listen then so it would not have been any different at the end. Plus he would have been feeling rejected anyway so how was me saying "you don't put effort in, you are downright rude to my family and I am too young to be with someone who never wants sex with me". That would have made him feel a whole lot better for sure. There is very rarely a good way to end a relationship. Sometimes its about making the best of a bad situation.

 

 

 

So many words had been said. They weren't going to sound different at the end.

 

So many of these things ring true to my situation, except I'm on the other end. My girlfriend never said anything with the directness you say you presented it, and I think she did have someone else waiting in the wings. But in the paragraphs after that -- she also left coldly, went strict NC and left anything jointly owned to me. "You don't put the effort in, you don't try with my family and you never try to have sex with me" pretty much sums up her reasons she gave for leaving. But to me this was a huge wakeup call -- since then I've done everything I can to fix these problems. Except for the family thing, which I didn't realize was such a problem, these were mostly caused only in the last two years by depression and lack of energy resulting from being diagnosed with a disease in late 2012. Did he pursue you after? Did he go NC?

 

Because your situation is similar to mine, I'm hoping you can reach back in your mind and give me a roadmap on how to get through to my ex and show her that I can change. I still love her. I want her to be happy. I didn't know how she was feeling. It seems you still have the same mental image of the person you left -- I'm worried she will as well, even though I spend every day on self improvement over the last month. This is why I want to know what your ex could have done after the breakup or down the line to be worth another shot. Hypothetically -- anything?

 

edit: Would it have done anything if he was working on improvement and kept mutual friends up to date with his life?

Edited by towardthefuture
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Actually, it was for his benefit. If I thought I could have sat down and explained how things were for me then I absolutely would have done it, so that he could have understood it and gotten proper closure. It would have been nicer to have parted after all that time on reasonable terms. But I had been trying to talk about it all for years already. He didn't want to listen then so it would not have been any different at the end. Plus he would have been feeling rejected anyway so how was me saying "you don't put effort in, you are downright rude to my family and I am too young to be with someone who never wants sex with me". That would have made him feel a whole lot better for sure. There is very rarely a good way to end a relationship. Sometimes its about making the best of a bad situation.

 

telling the truth of why you are leaving benefits the dumpee by offering clarity and information about how the person might grow in their next relationship.

 

like i said, i ended an engagement. and this man is now my friend. one can't go wrong by treating others with honesty and respect, not condescension while making a clean getaway.

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Hey towardthefuture. I don't know your ex so I don't know what might help you in your situation. And I would say that if you feel you have been working on improving yourself then you should be doing that for you primarily, not because you think it would impress her.

 

With regard to my ex, he definitely knew how sad it made me that he refused to get to know my family. We talked about it, fought about it, I cried about it. Not once did he say "OK I see this is important to you, I will make an effort". He only came to one official event with me in the whole time we were together, a family wedding. I was overjoyed because I thought finally he was going to try. I wasn't expecting him to be their best pal, but this was hopeful for me. No. He spent the entire night sat in a corner, getting up only once to go to the loo. My folks had paid for us to stay in the hotel but he didn't even say thank you to them. Anyone that tried to talk to him had a one word answer from him. I was mortified. I had made considerable effort to get to know his family, going for lunch with his mum and going to visit his extended family regularly. I thought that by showing I was making the effort he might have reciprocated but he didn't.

 

So I don't know what you were like in terms of her family but that is what I was up against.

 

The sex was also a topic that was brought up often and more often than not it resulted in a fight or awkwardness. I always tried to bring it up gently because I didn't want to make him feel crap. But on the other hand my self-esteem was through the floor because in my head, clearly I was not desirable or sexy.

 

After the break up, he sent some texts and an email over the course of a fortnight. After that he went strict NC. I haven't heard from him since.

 

I think in my situation, things had been going on for so long and I had exhausted myself trying to get him to listen and understand where things were headed if we didn't pull together. I can't speak for him as to why he just ignored it all those years. Maybe he thought I was just giving empty threats to "try and get my own way". because I never actually left I think he just got complacent that he could do or not do what he liked and I would still be there. It had all gone on so long that by the time it ended, no, there would have been nothing he could have done or said to change how I felt about him. Had I done this years earlier, I don't know if there would have been hope for reconciliation. But I think 7 years was long enough opportunity for us both to make it work.

 

I hope you find your happiness one way or the other dude. Try not to make all your self-improvement all about her either. Do it for yourself.

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telling the truth of why you are leaving benefits the dumpee by offering clarity and information about how the person might grow in their next relationship.

 

like i said, i ended an engagement. and this man is now my friend. one can't go wrong by treating others with honesty and respect, not condescension while making a clean getaway.

 

I hear that, and whether you believe me or not, I truly would have preferred that option. I just felt that my reasons for leaving were things I had tried to bring up and work on so many times. He had them already and didn't try to learn and grow when it might have saved his relationship, so I guess I didn't think he would appreciate hearing them again. None of it would have been a surprise to him, there was nothing new I could offer. It would have been to no benefit for either of us, in reality.

 

From my perspective there was no condescension, but I understand how that could be derived from a forum thread.

 

Thank you for your input - time brings funny things and perhaps there will be opportunity for me and him to sit and talk in the future, as you were able to do. Just out of interest, what were your reasons for ending your engagement and how did your ex take it? I suppose I am curious to know how you formed your friendship afterwards.

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towardthefuture
Hey towardthefuture. I don't know your ex so I don't know what might help you in your situation. And I would say that if you feel you have been working on improving yourself then you should be doing that for you primarily, not because you think it would impress her.

 

With regard to my ex, he definitely knew how sad it made me that he refused to get to know my family. We talked about it, fought about it, I cried about it. Not once did he say "OK I see this is important to you, I will make an effort". He only came to one official event with me in the whole time we were together, a family wedding. I was overjoyed because I thought finally he was going to try. I wasn't expecting him to be their best pal, but this was hopeful for me. No. He spent the entire night sat in a corner, getting up only once to go to the loo. My folks had paid for us to stay in the hotel but he didn't even say thank you to them. Anyone that tried to talk to him had a one word answer from him. I was mortified. I had made considerable effort to get to know his family, going for lunch with his mum and going to visit his extended family regularly. I thought that by showing I was making the effort he might have reciprocated but he didn't.

 

So I don't know what you were like in terms of her family but that is what I was up against.

 

The sex was also a topic that was brought up often and more often than not it resulted in a fight or awkwardness. I always tried to bring it up gently because I didn't want to make him feel crap. But on the other hand my self-esteem was through the floor because in my head, clearly I was not desirable or sexy.

 

After the break up, he sent some texts and an email over the course of a fortnight. After that he went strict NC. I haven't heard from him since.

 

I think in my situation, things had been going on for so long and I had exhausted myself trying to get him to listen and understand where things were headed if we didn't pull together. I can't speak for him as to why he just ignored it all those years. Maybe he thought I was just giving empty threats to "try and get my own way". because I never actually left I think he just got complacent that he could do or not do what he liked and I would still be there. It had all gone on so long that by the time it ended, no, there would have been nothing he could have done or said to change how I felt about him. Had I done this years earlier, I don't know if there would have been hope for reconciliation. But I think 7 years was long enough opportunity for us both to make it work.

 

I hope you find your happiness one way or the other dude. Try not to make all your self-improvement all about her either. Do it for yourself.

 

It's not about her. The breakup was just this huge wakeup call that my life was falling apart. I'm not necessarily fixing the things she would want me to fix, I'm just getting my **** together and hopefully having faith that it's better. And now that I'm out of the fog it leaves me with the hope that she might see the new me and be impressed. In other words, I'm not doing it to impress her -------- but I do hope that she would be impressed by it.

 

As far as family, I'm sure I was as bad as that. I was sick and unemployed and so I was always afraid to go to events with her, one time we went to the fair with her family and I got frustrated with trying to connect with her dad and just kind of bailed. I did go to one wedding and it went really well, but I skipped almost every event.

 

I think she feels the same as you feel 'After 8 years, I'm done' basically. 'Too little too late'. And that's probably the harsh reality of it.

 

Did you ever reach back out to him, as dumpers sometimes do? Sounds like not.

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i realize, OP, that telling yourself that the way you left was to benefit your ex helps you to feel about better about your more recent ex's departure. and i don't need to take that away from you if that helps you at this stage of your recovery.

 

in the end, though, people leave relationships for many reasons, but always because that is what they understand to be best for them. and that's okay in the end. it does not have to be noble or perceived as noble; people always have a right to do what is best for them. you did. and your most recent ex did.

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